Tuesday, 6 May 2014
Surprising news on squirrels
'It's not a criticism,' said Captain Bill. 'It was never intended as a criticism. I was simply saying that it would have helped to have known at an earlier point in time.'
'So you are suggesting that what I should 'ave said was, 'Hello, Norma and Bertha, long time, no see! 'ow are you? Oh! And by the way, before I forget, there is an enormous cannon, pointy sword and gunpowder factory at the edge of town. So glad you're looking well!'.'
'It's us who should have mentioned the pirate sheep,' mooed Norma. 'I think we just got distracted with the excitement of seeing you.'
'Although some people were not as excited as I would 'ave 'oped!' Camille replied.
'As I have tried to explain,' said Captain Bill.
'You were busy fighting dragons?' suggested Camille. 'Which I think means you won't 'ave no trouble with a few sheeps!'
'They are notoriously aggressive sheeps,' replied Captain Bill. 'It is my considered opinion that...'
'We should stop at nothing to recapture them,' said Norma.
'Well, I am glad to 'ear it!' replied Camille. 'I will be expecting ma brave Capitaine to be nipping them in the bud. In my experience only swift action will do. Only last year, a neighbouring village reported the arrival of some slightly stroppy squirrels. Two months later, half the 'ouses were mysteriously removed and replaced with 'azel trees!'
'I like a squirrel,' mooed Norma, 'but that does seem a step too far.'
'Always, it starts with the little things,' replied Camille. 'And then the next thing you know, people are being forced to sleep in trees and wear big bushy tails.'
'What happened in the end?' asked Captain Bill.
'They compromised over the tails and then, when people realised that there was an upsurge in employment which was brought about by the increase in tourism, there was a general outbreak of goodwill and harmony which was concluded by acceptance of the new reality by both sides and the introduction of an annual 'Squirrel Day'.'
'Oh, that's nice!' said Norma. 'But I doubt that things will go so warmly with the pirate sheep.'
'I'm afraid, ma chum, Norma, I think you are telling it like it is!'
And they all hurried on.