Cow Island

'Really, I ask you, 'ow could they 'ave written such a scene?' Camille mooed. 'Oooooooooooooooh!' Captain Bill moaned. 'I 'ave a mind to completely withdraw ma support for the entire film,' Camille continued. 'Oooooooooooooooh!' Captain Bill moaned. 'But you understand that it would be depriving ma little students of a once in a lifetime educational opportunity that also 'appens to pay quite astonishing amounts of cash.' 'Oooooooooooooooh!' Captain Bill moaned. 'Also, there is always the chance that if it makes money they might well commission a series of sequels and I am thinking that sixteen weeks of exotic on location filming each year for say five years is not to be sniffed at.' 'Ooooooooooooooh!' Captain Bill moaned. 'And of course we know that it was only pretend because in real life the brave Capitaine Bile would 'ave no problem defeating a giant squid. I 'ave made this...

'The bill's correct,' Lefty whispered. 'It wasn't a mistake.' 'But who can eat that many trifles?' Flossie asked. 'Perhaps they've got a problem?' Lefty suggested. 'You know, like an addiction.' 'Possible I suppose,' Flossie bleated. 'But 315?' 'So, what now?' Lefty asked. Flossie thought for a while.  'Change of plan,' he eventually replied. 'We can't hang about. We'll just have to improvise.' And he walked back onto the set. 'Right,' he began, '...............................................Scene 237.' 'What 'appended to all the other scenes!!!' Queen Phoebe exclaimed. 'Ah!' Flossie replied. 'Tis one of those filming things. We don't always shoot scenes in sequence. Might seem strange if you're not used to it but it's perfectly normal. So, scene.....?' '237,' Lefty said. 'In which your majest...

'Lost for words,' Lefty bleated. 'I can't recall seeing anything more moving,' Flossie added and he dabbed a hanky to his eye patch. Lefty wrote 'Star material' on the form in front of him and thanked Geraldine for coming. Geraldine responded with a dignified curtsy and made her way from the stage. 'Next please!' Flossie called out and Camille took the stage accompanied by her pupils. 'Bonjour,' she began, 'I am 'appy to announce that ma little students, all of whom 'ave considerable acting experience, are now at your disposal.' 'Right...' Flossie began but before he could get any further he noticed Lefty trying to attract his attention. 'Not sure how we'd stand with health and safety,' Lefty explained, 'what with them being so young.' 'Ah!' Flossie replied. 'I think,' Lefty continued and here he quickly looked through a thick folder to find the relevant page, ...

'Testing, testing, one two, one two....no, no it's still not working,' Flossie bleated. 'Mum said she's done all she can,' Lefty replied. 'Don't doubt it for a moment,' Flossie said. 'Still, would have been nice. Refund?' 'Been trying to get in contact with the supplier but there's just a recorded message saying they're away.' 'Hmm,' Flossie said. 'Could use it as a prop?' Lefty suggested. 'Could do!' Flossie agreed. 'Thus turning a disappointment into a success. Now, what's to be done next?' 'Casting,' Lefty replied. 'Oooh! Sounds good to me,' Flossie said. 'I've been rather looking forward to it in an odd kind of way.' 'Me too!' Lefty replied. 'Makes me feel like we're making a proper film.' 'Brilliant!' Flossie bleated. 'Well, let's get on with it. Piece by piece the fiendishly diabolical jigsaw comes t...

Annie finished a most pretty dance and Norman flapped his ears in appreciation. 'And then,' Annie explained, 'I spent 3 months counting my legs.' 'How many did you have?' Norman asked. '214,' Annie replied. 'But it is possible I miscounted as I fell asleep a couple of times and had to start again.' 'Easily done,' Norman said. 'It is!' Annie mooed. 'I just close my eyes and................................' Norman was kind enough to wait for Annie to wake up. 'I had a dream about talking biscuits,' she said. 'I thought you might have,' Norman replied. 'You were nibbling the corner of my costume.' 'So,' Annie asked, 'how have you been occupafying yourself?' 'The usual,' Norman replied, 'cleaning windows, filling swimming pools, it's been mostly trunk based work if I'm honest. I did try hiring myself out as a fountain at weddings but it never re...

'So,' Captain Bill continued, ' if you look overboard now the colour is?' 'Orangie red?' Horace replied. 'No, no,' Captain Bill said, 'ignore that bit, look further on.' 'You mean passed what's left of the building?' 'That's it!' '..............Green, I suppose?' 'Which means we now know that we must be on?' 'Land?' Horace replied. 'Exactly!' Captain Bill said in triumph. 'That lady looks very angry,' Horace remarked. 'Well, they shouldn't build so close to the sea,' Captain Bill replied. 'We clearly had right of way. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if this used to be sea at one point.' 'It's quite a way from it now,' Horace said. 'It'll save us from using the anchor,' Captain Bill replied. 'They get rusty if you leave them in water and there's less chance of sinking now we're on a hill.' At...

'Ah!' Captain Bill said. 'The problem, if you don't mind me saying, is that when I said turn left you turned right.' 'But you said hard a starboard,' Horace replied. 'Precisely!' Captain Bill mooed. 'Now, I'm not blaming you, although it was your fault, but it's these kind of elementary errors that lead to us getting lost.' 'But..' Horace began. 'The thing is,' Captain Bill continued, 'how do we find out where we now are?' 'But..' Horace began. 'This way!' Captain Bill interrupted. 'Follow me!' and he herded off to the side of the ship. 'The wheel?' Horace said. 'No need to bring it with you,' Captain Bill replied. 'Leave it there.' So Horace abandoned the wheel and joined Captain Bill. 'Now,' Captain Bill said, 'strictly speaking I shouldn't be telling you this, bit of a Captain's secret, but it won't hurt, so what w...

'And we've never met before?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'Quite certain,' Flossie bleated. 'Sure?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'Sure!' Flossie bleated. Queen Phoebe took a long hard look at Flossie. '................................On we go then!'  'Tis very generous of you to let us be here,' Flossie said. 'The whole film crew feel very honoured.' 'Well,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'when one got your request One chatted it over with One's hubby, I do love him so, and he was right up for it.' 'Considerate of you both.' Flossie added. 'Phoebekins, he said,' Queen Phoebe continued, 'if this don't get us a couple of pages in the colour supplements I'll eat me crown and the readies will come in handy as well.' 'Most astute!' Flossie replied. 'He's like that,' Queen Phoebe said, 'but do the tabloids bother to mention it? Years of astuteness and they do...

'Hopeless! Absolutely hopeless!' Captain Bill exclaimed. 'Well, why did you do it?' Norma asked. 'You know she's not supposed to go near the edges!' 'I didn't think she'd take me seriously!' Captain Bill replied. 'Hmm,' Norma said, 'and it just slows us down. Anyway, Cyril's looking after her..........Is that brown tape by the way?' 'I couldn't reach it,' Captain Bill explained. 'I could....' 'Just leave it!' A few minutes of awful silence decided that now was it's time. 'Well,' Norma said eventually, 'while I'm here, perhaps we could do the ship's diary?' '.......................Suppose,' Captain Bill replied. 'Is there anything you'd like me to put in beyond all the normal things?' Captain Bill scratched his horns and had a look through his telescope. 'We should, he suggested, 'make a note of that island over the...

Captain Bill allowed the salt spray to waft gently around his hat. He took a moment to feel the roll of the ship beneath his hooves. This, he knew, was where he was supposed to be. This was where he was master. 'Hard a Portboard!' he called out. Horace glanced nervously toward Norma. 'I don't think there is such a direction,' Norma whispered. 'Are you sure?' Captain Bill asked. 'Pretty confident,' Norma replied. 'Hmmmmmmmm,' Captain Bill said and he took a long look at his knitted compass. 'It doesn't seem to be on there. I was almost certain it used to be.' 'Things change,' Norma replied. 'Why?' Captain Bill asked. 'Why? Why do things have to change? It was a perfectly good direction. I remember at Captain School we did a whole day on it...that and ironing sails.' 'You wouldn't want creases,' Norma suggested. 'They marked you down for that,' Captain Bill replied. ...

'Har! Har! Har! Lights! Camera! Action!..........Me dolly grip hearties!' 'Oh, that's very good!' Lefty said. 'Really?' Flossie asked. 'I wasn't sure. I was aiming for film director but still with a touch of pirate thrown in for good measure.' 'Worked for me,' Lefty replied. 'Wonderful!' Flossie bleated. 'Though, perhaps if you have time, we could workshop it a bit more later on? I want to sound convincingly cinematic but without losing sight of the whole underlying fiendishly clever despicable plan aspect of it all.' 'I'll have to check my schedule,' Lefty said. 'There is rather a lot to do.' 'Understand! Understand!' Flossie replied. 'Don't let me get in your way. Sure you must have a lot to do. Must be a million things to organise.' 'There's a lot of health and safety issues,' Lefty pointed out. 'Don't doubt it,' Flossie said. 'Althou...

'Extras wanted! Could you be the film star of tomorrow?' Bertha was reading from the leaflet that Norma was holding in her mouth. 'Apply today and change your life!' 'The mest mit is mext,' Norma mumbled. 'Free costumes, including hats,' Bertha read out. 'Mell?' Norma asked. 'Hmm?' Bertha replied. Norma's tail drifted around to the front of the flyer until it was underlining the words 'including hats'. 'That,' Bertha responded, 'is nothing short of blatant manipulation.' Norma looked as innocent as she could manage, which was VERY innocent indeed. 'That's still not innocent enough to fool me,' Bertha said. Norma put the leaflet down and gave a long sigh. 'Stop it!' Bertha exclaimed. Norma stopped it. There was silence. 'Hats!' Norma whispered. Bertha looked at Norma. Norma looked at Bertha. 'I'm sure it would be fun,' Norma added. '....

'There's another one!' Norma mooed. 'And another!' Bertha looked in the direction that Norma's tail was pointing. There were at least a dozen bright red balloons floating across Cow Island and there were more off in the distance. 'There's something hanging from them!' Bertha observed. 'So there is!' Norma agreed. Which was the correct reply because there was. 'Too high to tell what they are though,' she added. 'But,' Bertha replied, '......................Come and help.' So Norma did and she and Bertha swung the stapler around and tilted it skyward. 'It'll be good practice,' Bertha said, 'with a moving target.' The first couple of staples missed but the third clipped the edge of one of the balloons. There was a loud POP and the burst balloon fell toward the island.  Bertha switched to another target. 'Pop' went a second balloon. 'First time!' Bertha called out....

'Perhaps yours unscrews?' Annie suggested. 'Possibly?' Cyril replied. 'It certainly doesn't seem to pull off.' 'Should I have one last go?' Annie asked and Cyril said she should so Annie pulled and pulled on the rope but Cyril's head stayed firmly attached. 'Tired now!' Annie mooed. 'Shall I make tea?' Cyril asked. Annie nodded her head but very, very gently. So Cyril made tea and cut slices of extra large fruit drizzle sponge trifle biscuit cake. Then he pushed the slices back together and added four whole cakes and gave them all to Annie. 'Brown tape!' Annie exclaimed. 'I'm not sure it would do much for the flavour?' Cyril said. 'For my head!' Annie replied. 'I shall apply sticky brown tape.' 'Sounds prudent,' Cyril agreed. 'I thought it sounded like me?' Annie replied. 'If I'm going to do head nodding in the future I shall need to be more caref...

'I'm not sure what to say,' Norma said. 'I think my version looks more intelligent,' Bertha replied. 'No comment,' Norma commented. 'I should have made a better job of sewing his head on though.' 'It is a little disconcerting seeing them separately,' Norma replied. 'You realise this would make a better captain?' Bertha suggested. 'It doesn't pretend to think, never talks about rope and has just as good a grasp of how to sail a ship.' Norma thought that a little cruel. 'I'm just being honest!' Bertha mooed. 'To a fault,' Norma replied. 'Could you hold him for me while I sew him back together?' And Norma said she could. So Bertha rolled out a very impressive collection of needles and chose which one to use. 'And then you're going to fire staples at it?' Norma asked as Bertha sewed. 'For a while.'  Norma sighed a particularly long sigh. 'He s...

'That has got to be the biggest stapler I have ever seen!' Norma exclaimed. 'I had to have it made to order,' Bertha replied. 'I would have made it myself but my welding equipment's broken. Now, if you and Horace could stand by on the ropes until I say when.' So Norma and Horace stood ready until Bertha shouted 'Now!' and then they pulled with all their might, which in Horace's case wasn't an awful lot, and the stapler slid graciously out of the shipping container.  'Can I go now?' Horace asked. Norma's horns fell. 'I thought, she said, 'that we'd agreed to have lunch together?' 'It's just,' Horace replied, 'after you told me about Captain Bill's marquee, I thought I might go and stand in it for a while.' 'Why?' Norma asked. 'It sounds depressing,' Horace replied. 'But,' Norma began, but she could see that Horace had a point. '.............if y...

The sun shone down, butterflies fluttered by, the long green grass waved in an almost regal fashion. Norma paused for a moment to drink it all in. A particularly pretty butterfly landed on her nose and then slowly, inch by inch, made its way up her face. 'Hello!' Norma mooed. The butterfly lazily opened and closed its wings in reply. Norma and the butterfly were as one. Rabbits hopped by. Flowers stretched out toward the sun. Worms placed out tiny deckchairs so they could take advantage of the warmth. There was for all concerned a brief period of near perfect peace and tranquility. 'You're here then!'  It was Captain Bill's voice that broke the silence. The butterfly took flight and the tranquility, which knew a thing or two about life, decided to leave with it. 'Yes,' Norma sighed. 'Sorry I'm so late.' 'Never mind,' Captain Bill replied, 'you're still first.' 'I thought I might be,' Norma said...

'We really do need to hurry!' Norma called back. 'But what is 'appening?' Camille asked. 'We're not sure,' Norma replied. 'The bunnies have reported that there's a lot of commotion outside the casino and people are leaving the island.' 'But I thought nothing was supposed to 'appen until much later on?' 'I have a suspicion,' Norma explained, 'that Cyril may not have stuck to the script.' 'No surprise there then,' Bertha added. 'Perhaps,' Camille suggested, 'ma brave Captaine Bile has challenged everyone to a duel?' 'Well,' Norma replied, 'while it would be wrong to rule that out without knowing for sure...' 'I can see it all,' Camille continued, 'a slight was made to ma name, a rush of blood to 'is horns, he fights to defend ma honour.' 'Sometimes a worry about you,' Bertha mooed. 'You 'ave to 'ave 'ope,' C...