Cow Island

'Ah!' Captain Bill said. 'The problem, if you don't mind me saying, is that when I said turn left you turned right.' 'But you said hard a starboard,' Horace replied. 'Precisely!' Captain Bill mooed. 'Now, I'm not blaming you, although it was your fault, but it's these kind of elementary errors that lead to us getting lost.' 'But..' Horace began. 'The thing is,' Captain Bill continued, 'how do we find out where we now are?' 'But..' Horace began. 'This way!' Captain Bill interrupted. 'Follow me!' and he herded off to the side of the ship. 'The wheel?' Horace said. 'No need to bring it with you,' Captain Bill replied. 'Leave it there.' So Horace abandoned the wheel and joined Captain Bill. 'Now,' Captain Bill said, 'strictly speaking I shouldn't be telling you this, bit of a Captain's secret, but it won't hurt, so what w...

'Sorry to keep you waiting,' Flossie bleated. 'They didn't have any more pain au chocolat so I got you a cinnamon whirl,' Lefty replied. 'Oh, that's fine!' Flossie said. 'Positive meeting?' Lefty asked. 'Thought so,' Flossie replied. 'Appreciate you asking. Missed your input.' 'Gave me a chance to sort out some paperwork,' Lefty explained. 'True!' Flossie bleated. 'Sure it needs doing. Leave it with you.' 'We're all unloaded,' Lefty added. 'So, next thing to do is scout out locations, work out camera angles, that sort of thing.' 'Great!' Flossie replied. 'Although always bearing in mind, we're not actually making a film.' 'Absolutely,' Lefty nodded. 'It's just to help us with the cover story. Gets us access to the right places.' 'Top pirating!' Flossie replied. 'In passing, not pushing you, any progress with the m...

'And we've never met before?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'Quite certain,' Flossie bleated. 'Sure?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'Sure!' Flossie bleated. Queen Phoebe took a long hard look at Flossie. '................................On we go then!'  'Tis very generous of you to let us be here,' Flossie said. 'The whole film crew feel very honoured.' 'Well,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'when one got your request One chatted it over with One's hubby, I do love him so, and he was right up for it.' 'Considerate of you both.' Flossie added. 'Phoebekins, he said,' Queen Phoebe continued, 'if this don't get us a couple of pages in the colour supplements I'll eat me crown and the readies will come in handy as well.' 'Most astute!' Flossie replied. 'He's like that,' Queen Phoebe said, 'but do the tabloids bother to mention it? Years of astuteness and they do...

'Har! Har! Har! And other introductory Monday morning type noises. Tis good to be back on dry land!' Flossie bleated. 'Very quick voyage,' Lefty observed. 'Not surprised,' Flossie replied, 'not surprised! Always had faith in the crew...and of course the Great Pencil in the Sky gets to save on some paper.' 'True!' Lefty agreed. 'So, Flossie continued, 'ship to be unloaded, unpacking to be done, etc, etc?' 'All on the schedule,' Lefty replied, 'and the flock are all aware that, from now on, we're nothing more than a genuine film crew here to shoot a sure fire blockbuster and not just pretending to be so that we can carry out a diabolically fiendish pirate type robbery.' 'Brilliant!' Flossie bleated, 'and if I might say, a handy piece of exposition for anyone who's just turning up.' 'Thought I'd take the opportunity,' Lefty said. 'Can't fault you,' Flossie...

'Thought that went pretty well,' Captain Bill mooed. 'HA!' Bertha shouted. 'Ignore her,' Captain Bill continued, 'she's just jealous.' 'I've nothing to steer with now!' Horace informed Captain Bill. 'Hmm,' Captain Bill replied. 'Quick tip. It's very important in any situation to find the positives.' '........................I can't think of any,' Horace said. 'We're out of the harbour,' Captain Bill observed, 'and we didn't sink.' 'But we're drifting!' 'Happens in life,' Captain Bill mused. 'What's it all about really? Do any of us really know? You do what you can to remain focused. A project here, a new rope museum visitors centre extension there but is it worth it? Wouldn't it just be easier to let it all go?' 'I mean the ship's drifting.' 'Oh!' Captain Bill replied. 'Well, we've got time. It...

'Hopeless! Absolutely hopeless!' Captain Bill exclaimed. 'Well, why did you do it?' Norma asked. 'You know she's not supposed to go near the edges!' 'I didn't think she'd take me seriously!' Captain Bill replied. 'Hmm,' Norma said, 'and it just slows us down. Anyway, Cyril's looking after her..........Is that brown tape by the way?' 'I couldn't reach it,' Captain Bill explained. 'I could....' 'Just leave it!' A few minutes of awful silence decided that now was it's time. 'Well,' Norma said eventually, 'while I'm here, perhaps we could do the ship's diary?' '.......................Suppose,' Captain Bill replied. 'Is there anything you'd like me to put in beyond all the normal things?' Captain Bill scratched his horns and had a look through his telescope. 'We should, he suggested, 'make a note of that island over the...

'Will you stop it!' Captain Bill mooed. 'Stop it!..............STOP....IT!!!' 'You're just shouting at me because I've got wonky horns,' Annie replied. 'I am shouting at you because you are being deeply, deeply annoying!' '...................................................................and because I've got wonky horns,' Annie whispered and she took just the tiniest step towards Captain Bill. 'GO AWAY!!!!' Captain Bill shouted. Annie took a tiny half hoof step away from Captain Bill...and then leaned back in toward him. 'Does it happen very often?' she asked. Captain Bill looked at her. 'Does what happen?' Annie mouthed the words, 'The head thing?' Captain Bill decided that the best course of action was to ignore her. 'I've got brown tape,' Annie added and she waved a large roll of it at Captain Bill. 'I wouldn't charge,' she continued. 'It could be...

'Har! Har! Har! Etc, etc,' Flossie bleated. 'Day 25 and only our 2nd appearance!....Slightly disappointed.' 'I could write to someone and complain?' Lefty suggested. 'No,' Flossie replied, 'you're busy enough. Wouldn't be fair to ask anymore of you. Right, on with the plot, such as it is.' 'Loading's finished,' Lefty continued. 'Took slightly longer than expected, Harriet's been having trouble finding a lamb sitter.' 'Not a problem,' Flossie replied, 'lambs should come first. Future of the flock after all.' 'Kind of you,' Lefty said, 'So, sail today, arrive Friday. I was hoping we'd have time for a little diabolical pirating on the way but I can't see how we can fit it in.' 'Would have been nice,' Flossie agreed, 'but eye on the prize. Let's carry out the fiendishly clever plan first and see if we can fit in some proper pirating on the way home....

'I thought we'd start with pancakes,' Cyril explained, 'and then move on to pancakes, followed by pancakes.' 'Cor!' Annie mooed. 'Unless you'd prefer pancakes?' Cyril asked. Annie thought about this for a long time.....and eventually fell asleep. When she woke up there were pancakes. 'Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh!' she said in surprise. There was also a handy grass syrup paddling pool. So, Cyril made pancakes and Annie dunked them and Geraldine very helpfully topped up the syrup. 'Might I enquire,' Norma asked, because her head had arrived via a porthole, 'if some of those will make their way to the rest of us?' Cyril put down the pancake that he was about to eat to assure Norma that there was absolutely no doubt that that had all along been their intention. 'Our only reason for making them,' he added, before eating the pancake. 'Hmm,' Norma replied. Cyril put down the pancake he was...

Captain Bill allowed the salt spray to waft gently around his hat. He took a moment to feel the roll of the ship beneath his hooves. This, he knew, was where he was supposed to be. This was where he was master. 'Hard a Portboard!' he called out. Horace glanced nervously toward Norma. 'I don't think there is such a direction,' Norma whispered. 'Are you sure?' Captain Bill asked. 'Pretty confident,' Norma replied. 'Hmmmmmmmm,' Captain Bill said and he took a long look at his knitted compass. 'It doesn't seem to be on there. I was almost certain it used to be.' 'Things change,' Norma replied. 'Why?' Captain Bill asked. 'Why? Why do things have to change? It was a perfectly good direction. I remember at Captain School we did a whole day on it...that and ironing sails.' 'You wouldn't want creases,' Norma suggested. 'They marked you down for that,' Captain Bill replied. ...

They met on the deck of the Pickled Heifer. ''You're coming then?' Captain Bill asked. 'Wouldn't miss it for the world,' Cyril replied. 'You could try,' Captain Bill suggested. Cyril thought a while. 'You'd get bored without me,' he replied. And at that point there was a mooing from the dockside and Annie arrived and ran up the gangplank...and fell off. She swam to the shore and hauled herself out and tried again...and fell off again. 'Third time lucky!' Cyril called out. 'Seventeenth time lucky!' he called out an hour later. 'I think my brown tape is coming loose!' Annie replied. And it was. 'Plenty to spare,' Cyril assured her. 'Oh goody!' Annie replied. 'I shall try again.' And she did. And she didn't fall off!  Instead she ran straight up the gangplank, across the deck and fell off the other side of the ship. 'I can see the fishes!' she mo...

'It'll be fun,' Norma said, 'and there's nothing that can possibly go wrong so we can all have a relaxing time.' 'I just don't see how poetry fits into it?' Horace replied. 'Well.......it doesn't really,' Norma conceded. 'Then why....?' 'Because for most people not everything revolves around poetry.' 'It does for me,' Horace said. 'Yes,' Norma replied, 'but, possibly, with a bit of effort, you could move beyond that?' Horace stared off into the distance. 'Look,' Norma continued, 'everyone else is going and we never seem to do anything as a herd these days.' 'There are reasons for that,' Horace replied. Norma decided to ignore the observation. 'I'm asking you to go,' she said. '........................................If I must?' Horace mooed. 'Thank you!' Norma replied. 'Now, we're sailing first thing tomorrow mo...

'Har! Har! Har! Lights! Camera! Action!..........Me dolly grip hearties!' 'Oh, that's very good!' Lefty said. 'Really?' Flossie asked. 'I wasn't sure. I was aiming for film director but still with a touch of pirate thrown in for good measure.' 'Worked for me,' Lefty replied. 'Wonderful!' Flossie bleated. 'Though, perhaps if you have time, we could workshop it a bit more later on? I want to sound convincingly cinematic but without losing sight of the whole underlying fiendishly clever despicable plan aspect of it all.' 'I'll have to check my schedule,' Lefty said. 'There is rather a lot to do.' 'Understand! Understand!' Flossie replied. 'Don't let me get in your way. Sure you must have a lot to do. Must be a million things to organise.' 'There's a lot of health and safety issues,' Lefty pointed out. 'Don't doubt it,' Flossie said. 'Althou...

'I've seen it,' Captain Bill said. 'I was just on my way to the museum when a staple whizzed past and a balloon landed on me hat!' Norma put the flyer down. 'There must be lots of people involved in making a film,' Norma replied. 'I'm sure there are,' Captain Bill said. 'Some of them might be interested in rope,' Norma added. 'They might even want to make a film about the museum?' '.........................................................True!' Captain Bill mooed. 'And that's the only reason that you're suggesting for wanting to go?' 'Well,' Norma said. 'The words, 'free costumes, including hats' wouldn't be influencing you?' Norma had always had a problem with certain types of fibs. 'Possibly,' she replied, 'but it would be so lovely to have an adventure.' 'In your opinion,' Captain Bill said. 'And obviously,' Norma contin...

'Extra what?' Annie asked. 'Well,' Norma thought about how to explain, 'it's a type of acting, only you just stand in the background and don't say anything.' 'Acting?' Annie asked. 'It's when you dress up and pretend to be someone else.' 'Like a tree?' 'Possibly,' Norma replied. 'I suppose that must happen.' 'Or a cloud or a halibut?' 'Again, possible,' Norma agreed, 'but more commonly it's another person...but it's only pretend.' 'Pretend?' Annie queried. 'Well, it's not reality.' 'Reality?' Annie asked. In her head Norma conceded to herself that the conversation was drifting off in a direction that she had been hoping to avoid.  'Well, for most people, there is a reasonably common set of truths that can be agree upon...that we call reality.' Annie looked confused and came dangerously close to toppling over. ...

'Extras wanted! Could you be the film star of tomorrow?' Bertha was reading from the leaflet that Norma was holding in her mouth. 'Apply today and change your life!' 'The mest mit is mext,' Norma mumbled. 'Free costumes, including hats,' Bertha read out. 'Mell?' Norma asked. 'Hmm?' Bertha replied. Norma's tail drifted around to the front of the flyer until it was underlining the words 'including hats'. 'That,' Bertha responded, 'is nothing short of blatant manipulation.' Norma looked as innocent as she could manage, which was VERY innocent indeed. 'That's still not innocent enough to fool me,' Bertha said. Norma put the leaflet down and gave a long sigh. 'Stop it!' Bertha exclaimed. Norma stopped it. There was silence. 'Hats!' Norma whispered. Bertha looked at Norma. Norma looked at Bertha. 'I'm sure it would be fun,' Norma added. '....