Cow Island

'I have a feeling that eventually the spring will just give out,' mooed Norma. 'In ten years or so,' replied Captain Bill. 'Well, you know Annie,' said Norma. 'She'll get bored with it in a month or so.' 'And Camille is actually proposing to run a prison?' 'It's going to be a sort of prison, school, vineyard combo,' replied Norma. 'So what next?' 'Going home time, I guess? And I'm afraid we have to take a break.' 'I thought we might.' 'I suspect The Great Pencil in the Sky needs to go off and earn some money.' 'And how does he propose to do that?' 'I'm not sure really.......through intelligence, wit and artistic ability?' Captain Bill stopped and looked at Norma. 'He's doomed!' 'Possibly,' agreed Norma. And they all walked on for a while. 'Soooooooooo,' asked Captain Bill, 'what happened to Bertha?' ...

'Are you sure you're sure?' asked Norma. 'But of course!' replied Camille. 'Myself and ma little students are as one in this matter, although clearly their parents must never find out.' 'I'm still not convinced that running a school is any sort of preparation for running a prison.' 'Oh! You'd be surprised,' replied Camille. 'But they're a flock of hardened criminals with a long history of nefarious activities,' added Norma. 'And I am but a teacher with a plastic ruler and a deeply rooted hostility towards a society that I feel 'as failed to provide me with a better lot in life,' replied Camille. 'You have a point,' conceded Norma, 'and it would save us from having to take them all the way back to King Otto's.' 'And I get the cheap labour that is vital to ma vineyard,' replied Camille. '...........Not that this thought 'as 'ad any influence over me...........

Could....................................could you just move your hoof a bit?' asked Flossie. 'Which one?' replied Lefty. 'Back right...........thanks! That's better. Now, I know it's a long shot, but, asking anyway, does anyone still have a pointy sword about them?' There were a couple of dejected bleats from the flock. '..................Pointy dagger?' asked Flossie. But there were just more dejected bleats. 'Pointy spoon?.....................Pointy hoof file?...........Pointy anything?' 'I think we've been cleared out,' observed Lefty. 'Hmm,' said Flossie. 'What about Hookey? He must still have something.' But where there would normally have been a response of an enthusiastic, rasping, tap...there as just the muffled sound of a fleece against soft grass. 'Curses!' muttered Flossie. 'Might try to bite our way out?' suggested Lefty. 'Undignified,' replied Flossi...

'I don't know why,' trumpeted Norman, 'I just got it into my head that it was a cherry tree.' 'I'll give you some stuff that you can take it off with after this is all over,' replied Bertha. 'But right now I think we have more important things to worry about.' 'I'm worried about this branch,' said Norman. 'I'm sure it will hold,' replied Bertha. 'Still,' said Norman, 'I'd be happier if you weren't underneath me.' 'I can take care of myself.' 'So, what's happening?' 'They're heading this way! Very quickly!' 'I thought they might be. I can't really see them from here.' 'They've flocked tightly together.' 'That's panicked sheep for you.' 'Get ready,' mooed Bertha.'.....................Stand by...............................Throw!' And Bertha and Norman threw the old fishing net far out from t...

'Over there!' said Lefty. 'Where?' 'There!' 'I can't hear it,' bleated Flossie. 'I'm sure it was.' 'Getting nearer?' 'Difficult to tell.' 'Going further away?' 'Not sure.' 'But the same noise as before?' 'Yes!....Maybe?.......I don't know!' 'Oh!' groaned Flossie. 'This is madness! It's a cow on a giant spring, that's all!' 'Got our prisoner though,' replied Lefty. 'And it's not something we've ever trained for.' 'Well, who would have?' asked Flossie. 'I'll happily concede that when considering possible crew procedures, the possibility of being attacked by a mad cow on a giant spring never figured very highly.' 'It's quiet now.' said Lefty. 'Perhaps it's gone?' replied Flossie. 'Perhaps it has?' agreed Lefty. 'FLUFFIES!!!!!' mooed Annie as she b...

'You were supposed to catch him!' mooed Norma. 'The rain got in my eyes,' replied Cyril. 'It isn't raining!!!!' 'No, not rain. It was something else.' 'All you had to do was catch him! It was a very simple plan. Annie grabs him, throws him to you and you catch him. It should have been easy!' 'It was a piece of cake!' 'But you failed!!!' 'No, it was a piece of cake that got in my eyes. I was probably trying to eat too slowly. It's never a good idea.' 'He's all squidged!' 'He'll be fine.' 'What's the point of rescuing somebody if they get all squidged?' 'He's a poet!.....................He'll love it!' 'Mwmmwmaphewmwmmmmm,' said Horace. 'See,' mooed Cyril, 'he admits it was his fault.' 'He could be saying anything,' replied Norma. 'I suppose you'll want a hoof to dig him out?' 'I...

'No!' said Flossie. 'I mean I've no objection to other people wearing one but I wouldn't.' 'It did look very obvious,' replied Lefty. 'What bothered me,' continued Flossie, 'was that she still quite clearly had a real nose.' 'I noticed that,' replied Lefty. 'Sort of defeated the point as far as I was concerned.' 'Mmm,' said Flossie. 'Did you hear that?' bleated Lefty. 'What?' asked Flossie. 'That noise.' 'What noise?' 'Well,' said Lefty, 'it was a kind of bouncing noise.....There it is again! It came from over there!' 'Where?' 'CRIKEY!' 'What?' 'Above those trees!' 'What?' 'Unless I'm sadly mistaken it was a cow in a silly hat tied to a giant spring!' 'Seems unlikely,' said Flossie. 'Perhaps I'm going mad?' suggested Lefty. But just at that moment, Annie b...

'Woohoo!' mooed Norma. 'Reporting, Camille and Geraldine successful!'  'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'The fluffies are heading towards Annie and Cyril.' '.................Fine.' 'Now, are you ready?' 'Mmm?' 'Are you ready?' 'Yes.' 'You don't look ready?' 'I'm ready.' 'Could you try to look more ready?' 'How?' 'Well, just more enthusiastic.' 'I'm ready.' 'And you know what you're doing?' 'I walk down the hill........' 'You run down. You need to run down or the kite won't fly. We have to signal Cyril with the kite or he won't know when to signal Annie........So you have to run. That's why I got you to take your hat off.' 'I don't think I needed it on anymore anyway.' 'Right,' said Norma. 'Ready?........................Standby......................RUN!..........

'Have to be honest,' bleated Flossie, 'slightly lost for words.' 'Bonjour,' said Camille. Flossie and Lefty looked at each other and then at Camille. '........................................Afternoon,' replied Flossie. 'You are, I am suspecting, strangers to these parts?' said Camille. '........................Might be,' replied Flossie. 'We come in peace,' added Lefty. 'Although it is a heavily armed, pointy sword version.' 'You are not running with them, I 'ope?' asked Camille. And Lefty assured her that they were not. 'And your reason for being here?' asked Flossie. 'I am stood, standing 'ere, at this spot for no particular reason,' replied Camille. 'Why do you ask?' 'Just seems a bit...odd!' said Flossie. 'Perhaps to you' replied Camille. 'But it is the custom of ma people to stand around in isolated places waiting to assist passin...

'I knew you'd find her,' said Norma. 'Pleasure,' replied Cyril. 'So,' asked Norma, 'be honest, what do you think of my plan?' Annie bounced around for a while so that she good could have a really good think AND a thunk. 'What was the question again?' she asked. 'The plan,' replied Norma. 'What do you think of my plan to catch the pirate sheep?' 'There are pirate sheep!?!' mooed Annie. 'Yes!' replied Norma. 'Please concentrate.' Annie stopped bouncing and lent over on the spring until she was just in front of Norma. 'It's splendiferous!' she said and she kissed Norma on the nose. 'It is rather too sensible in places and it doesn't seem to involve knitting but we can work on it.' Norma smiled. 'And you've completely mastered directionableness? I have rather been relying on the fact that you would have.' Annie did a back flip and forward flip an...

'It's generally thought of as being characterised by unusual simile or metaphor,' explained Flossie, 'combined with simple verse forms. It just doesn't work for me.' 'I must read some,' Lefty replied. 'I've got some somewhere in a general anthology,' bleated Flossie. 'I'll dig it out and lend it to you.' 'We could always ask the prisoner if he's written any?' 'Hmm,' said Flossie. 'In my experience it's better not to fraternise with prisoners, not poet ones anyway. You can end up feeling terribly depressed.' 'Still,' replied Lefty, 'good to have a prisoner.' 'Oh, yes!' said Flossie. 'Guns, pointy swords, gunpowder and now a prisoner. You must be feeling pleased?' 'Of course,' replied Flossie. 'Although in leadership terms it does bring its own problems.' 'How so?' 'Well,' said Flossie, 'it's widely accepte...

'Your little students are just the right size for bouncy castle inflating,' said Norma. 'Indeed!' mooed Camille. 'And I can pass it off as some sort of progressive sports and well being activity.' 'Once it's finished we should get it into place.' 'Yesss,' replied Camille. 'Now, my good and rather put upon friend, Norma, if you do not mind me making the observation, your plan does strike me as being, 'ow you say, slightly daft?' 'I know,' sighed Norma, 'and it worries me. It worries me greatly. Our plans are normally, ridiculously, absurdly bonkers. The problem is I've come to rely too much on Annie in these sort of situations. I do wish I could talk to her about it.' 'There is still no sign of her?' 'Cyril and Norman are out looking for her. Cyril will find her.' 'You think she will 'ave a better plan?' Norma thought hard. 'I'm not sure that better is th...

Norma herded nervously up and down, worrying a small hole in the grass, as she waited for Camille and Captain Bill to arrive. 'Camille!' she called and waved her tail hat, and in return Camille got Captain Bill to stop, put down the heavy sack that he was carrying and doff his hat. 'At last,' she mooed, as they drew closer. 'Norma, ma efficient and perpetually well organised chum, what news?' asked Camille. Norma's bottom lip wibbled. 'I'm afraid it's not looking so good,' she said. 'I am guessing some sort of unexpected but strangely predictable, at this stage in the plot, type incident has occurred? replied Camille. 'I fear so,' said Norma. 'We think Horace may have had a misfortune.' 'Captured????' 'Bertha is trying to find out.' 'Sacre whatsit and other phrases!' 'I was hoping that you might be bringing good news?' 'Non!' replied Camille. 'I wish i...