Cow Island

'Really, I ask you, 'ow could they 'ave written such a scene?' Camille mooed. 'Oooooooooooooooh!' Captain Bill moaned. 'I 'ave a mind to completely withdraw ma support for the entire film,' Camille continued. 'Oooooooooooooooh!' Captain Bill moaned. 'But you understand that it would be depriving ma little students of a once in a lifetime educational opportunity that also 'appens to pay quite astonishing amounts of cash.' 'Oooooooooooooooh!' Captain Bill moaned. 'Also, there is always the chance that if it makes money they might well commission a series of sequels and I am thinking that sixteen weeks of exotic on location filming each year for say five years is not to be sniffed at.' 'Ooooooooooooooh!' Captain Bill moaned. 'And of course we know that it was only pretend because in real life the brave Capitaine Bile would 'ave no problem defeating a giant squid. I 'ave made this...

'You should eat a chocolate biscuit or two,' Cyril said. 'Always cheers me up.' 'I can't,' Horace replied. 'There aren't any left.' 'Really?' Cyril said. '...................................That's depressing.' 'I could do a happy dance if it would help?' Annie mooed. And Cyril said it would help a great deal, so Annie climbed onto the table and did a very happy dance. 'Tired now!' she said and promptly fell asleep. '.....................................Could have done with a choccie biccie,' Cyril continued and he nibbled the corner of Annie's hat. 'Needs more sugar,' he mused and he smiled toward a waitress who came straight over. 'A bowl of sugar if you please,' he said and then, just to be on the safe side, he ordered 23 more bowls of sugar, several family sized cakes, a swimming pool of ice cream and a flock of pancakes. 'It'll do to tide me over unti...

'Another!' Flossie exclaimed. 'This one is for 700 packets of chocolate biscuits,' Lefty explained. 'Curses!' Flossie cried. 'Who will rid me of these turbulent catering bills?' 'Could ask Mum?' Lefty suggested. 'No,' Flossie bleated, 'let her rest........So, the big fight scene.' 'GRRRRR!' Norman trumpeted. 'Actually, could we try GRRRRRR again?' Flossie said. 'My mistake. Now, the fight, giant squid versus her majesty's champion.' 'I'm still not happy about the casting,' Queen Phoebe called out. 'Noted!' Flossie said. ''E is an 'ero!' Camille mooed. 'Quiet on set!' Lefty bleated. 'If I may?' Flossie said. 'They circle each other, sizing each other up.' 'Norman is bigger!' Queen Phoebe noted. 'Excellent observation,' Flossie replied. 'Glad you're here.' 'For Capitaine Bile a giant ...

'GRRRR!' Norman trumpeted and he waved his tentacles about. 'Oh, very good!' Flossie bleated. 'The script does only call for GRRR,' Lefty said. 'True,' Flossie agreed, 'but I thought that was more dramatic. For me it added a layer of tension that had been missing. It helps us to understand just why her majesty is pushed toward taking such a drastic course of action.' 'It is only Norman,' Queen Phoebe pointed out. 'And what exactly is this drastic course of action One is hearing spoken about?' 'We shall come to that your majesty,' Flossie replied. 'But for now the kingdom is under attack.' 'Hmmm!' Queen Phoebe said. 'In a cinematic context only,' Flossie hastily added, 'and with a guarantee of no journalistic repercussions.' 'Hmmm!' Queen Phoebe said. 'A giant squid threatens the kingdom,' Flossie continued. 'GRRRRR!' Norman trumpeted and he wave...

'I'm a giant squid,' Norman trumpeted. 'Lovely!' Norma replied. '....................What happened to you being a castle?' 'I'm not entirely sure,' Norman said. 'I just got called to the costume department and an hour later....I guess it's all part of the whirlwind life of a film actor.' 'Well, at least you're not in danger of being typecast,' Bertha mooed. 'That's what I said to myself,' Norman replied, 'and although it is more of a trunk based role I feel there's more to play with as a giant squid AND I get to speak.' 'How exciting!' Norma said. 'What do you say?' 'I say GRRR,' Norman replied, 'and I wave my tentacles about.' 'So you'll be a proper actor?' Bertha asked. Norman nodded. 'It's a lot to take on at short notice though,' he explained. 'For instance I'm not sure whether to say GRRR or GRRRR?' 'GR...

'The bill's correct,' Lefty whispered. 'It wasn't a mistake.' 'But who can eat that many trifles?' Flossie asked. 'Perhaps they've got a problem?' Lefty suggested. 'You know, like an addiction.' 'Possible I suppose,' Flossie bleated. 'But 315?' 'So, what now?' Lefty asked. Flossie thought for a while.  'Change of plan,' he eventually replied. 'We can't hang about. We'll just have to improvise.' And he walked back onto the set. 'Right,' he began, '...............................................Scene 237.' 'What 'appended to all the other scenes!!!' Queen Phoebe exclaimed. 'Ah!' Flossie replied. 'Tis one of those filming things. We don't always shoot scenes in sequence. Might seem strange if you're not used to it but it's perfectly normal. So, scene.....?' '237,' Lefty said. 'In which your majest...

'So how was Her Maj?' Flossie asked. 'Hmm,' Lefty replied, 'not sure. I think it'll be OK. I have explained that he's not really her champion and we can put a disclaimer in the credits if she likes.' 'Good idea!' Flossie said. 'Quick thinking as always.' 'Anyway,' Lefty continued, 'we may have bigger things to worry about.' And he passed Flossie a long thin piece of paper. 'HOW MUCH!!!!!!' Flossie bleated. 'That's what I said,' Lefty replied. 'It's outrageous! It can't be right?' 'I've asked them to check. It's well beyond what I've budgeted for.' 'I'm not surprised,' Flossie replied as he scanned the bill. 'There's one entry here alone for 315 trifles!' 'Must be a typo,' Lefty said. 'Needs to be,' Flossie replied. 'We can't afford that! Of all the things that could go wrong....' 'We co...

'It's just if you're any lower you'll be in shot,' Lefty bleated. 'Really, it's fine,' Flossie replied. 'Now, Scene 3, it is the afternoon.' 'What time exactly?' Queen Phoebe asked. Flossie looked at Lefty, Lefty shrugged. 'The precise time appears to be unimportant,' Flossie explained. 'Well it may not be to you,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'but His Kingshipfulness takes a nap around 1.30 and I wouldn't want him disturbed.' 'Then we shall make it 3 o'clock if that suits?' Flossie said. 'Fine with me,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'Pray continue.' 'Glad to be of service,' Flossie said. 'It is 3 o'clock, your majesty is inside the castle.' 'But One is outside!' Queen Phoebe observed. 'The castle will be added in later,' Lefty bleated. 'It's what we call a special effect.' 'Well I never!' Queen Phoebe replied. '...

Flossie sighed, 'You know when you've seen something special.' 'A natural performer,' Lefty bleated. 'To be able to say so much and yet it seemed so little.' 'If only we'd actually been filming,' Flossie said. 'Well,' Lefty replied, 'truth be told, we were.' 'Really?' Flossie gasped. 'I thought it best,' Lefty replied. 'In case anyone checked on us.' 'So we can watch it again?' 'Whenever you want.' 'Always be grateful,' Flossie said. 'It's a moment I'll never forget. If you'd told me before all this began that I'd get to see such wonderful acting. It kind of took me off to another world.' 'I know,' Lefty agreed. And everyone gave Geraldine a very prolonged round of applause. 'Next scene?' Lefty asked. 'Perhaps take a break?' Flossie suggested. 'I think we could all do with 10 minutes.' 'I know th...

'MUM!' Lefty screamed. 'It is turned on isn't it?' Flossie asked. 'Yes,' Lefty replied. 'Hmm,' Flossie said. 'Volume?' 'Maximum,' Lefty replied. 'Hmm,' Flossie said. 'MUM!!' Lefty screamed. 'Perhaps if you put her hearing aids in as well?' Flossie suggested. 'They're in,' Lefty bleated. 'I've checked.' 'Hmm,' Flossie said. 'Maybe if I could get the megaphone working?' Lefty mused. 'Hmm,' Flossie said. ' MUM!!! ' Lefty screamed. 'Ah!' Flossie said. 'What?' 'I thought she moved?' 'Really?' Lefty asked. 'Just for a moment,' Flossie replied. '..................She is awake isn't she?' 'Difficult to tell these days,' Lefty said. 'Perhaps,' Flossie bleated, 'and I don't wish for one moment to suggest she's not up to doing it but perhaps we mig...

'O..M..G! That hat is sooooooo you! It like totes makes the whole journey here worthwhile!' 'Are you planning to talk like that all the time?' Bertha asked. 'Only, I like to give Captain Bill an exclusive on violence but this could force me to make an exception.' 'Probably won't then,' Norma replied. '...............But it is a very nice hat.' 'I know!' Bertha mooed. 'And they had an almost matching tail hat!' 'I love the colour as well,' Norma added. 'It's what I would have chosen if I'd had a choice,' Bertha replied. 'And the lady in the costume department said there was a chance I could get to keep it.' Norma said she had been given the same advice so perhaps they could ask at the same time. 'Did anyone say anymore about the filming?' she asked. 'Not really,' Bertha replied. 'But I'll be perfectly happy just standing in the background...in my hat!...

'Your attention please!' Flossie bleated. 'Are you filming yet?' Queen Phoebe inquired. 'Not yet your majesty,' Flossie replied. 'Only One aint got her crown on straight.' 'There'll be plenty of time to sort it out,' Lefty assured. 'May I continue?' Flossie asked. And Queen Phoebe said he could. 'Thank you!' Flossie said. '...............................Forgotten where I was now?' 'Opening scene,' Lefty prompted. 'Grateful!' Flossie replied. 'Opening scene, we see your majesty walking in the garden.' 'There won't be any peasants will there?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'No, no,' Flossie replied. 'You are walking in the garden, your mind at ease. All is well in the kingdom.' 'Well, it normally is,' Queen Phoebe said. 'His Kingshipfulness, I do love 'im so, he won't have unease. It affects his digestion.' 'Understood,...

'They still haven't got any pain au chocolat,' Lefty said. 'Oh well,' Flossie replied, 'never mind, worse things happen at sea.' 'They do if we're around!' Lefty observed. 'True! Flossie giggled. '...Did they have any cinnamon whirls?' 'No,' Lefty bleated. 'Actually, they were out of nearly everything. Someone was saying they've been really busy of late.' 'Hmm,' Flossie replied. Lefty consulted his clipboard. 'Well, that's all the casting done,' he said. 'Everything's ready!' 'Brilliant!' Flossie replied. 'Appreciate all the hard work you've put in.' 'If it's OK with you we'll set for the first scene?' 'Carry on!' Flossie said. 'Every confidence in you. Is there any sugar?' 'I didn't think you took any?' Lefty said. 'Don't normally,' Flossie replied, 'trying to keep the weight off...

'So, I told 'im all about the brave Capitaine Bile and 'e said you sounded perfect for the role.' 'Erm?' Captain Bill replied. 'After all,' Camille continued, 'who could be better at playing an 'ero than a real life one?' 'Well,' Captain Bill began. 'And ma little students are sooooo pleased!' 'Right,' Captain Bill said. 'Jean Claude 'as already written 'ome to tell 'is parents.' 'Really????' Captain Bill asked. 'Indeed!' Camille mooed, ''e included it at the bottom of a letter I got 'im to write asking 'is parents to send more money.' 'Right,' Captain Bill said. ''e as told them that many actors would be afraid of doing such dangerous stunts but not the famous Capitaine Bile.' 'STUNTS!!!' Captain Bill exclaimed. 'The film man assured me that all 'ealth and safety precautions would be taken but I said ...

Lefty yawned and scratched his fleece. It was only six o'clock in the morning but there was so much paperwork to be done. He'd already got A through to F sorted out and was about to take the next file from the shelf when there was the sound of approaching hooves from behind.' 'So, 'ere they are,' Camille called out and she presented Lefty with a number of forms. 'Hmm?' Lefty replied. 'There is, I 'ope, no problem?' Camille said. 'Well,' Lefty replied, 'I suppose I was expecting some sort of standard form.' 'Ah!' Camille mooed. 'In ma country it is customary for parents to write a consent form for their child to appear in a major blockbusting film on any old scrap of paper they can find.' 'Two of them are on tissues,' Lefty observed, 'and this one's on the back of a bar bill!' 'What can I say,' Camille replied, 'but still they are all genuine forms completed by th...

'Lost for words,' Lefty bleated. 'I can't recall seeing anything more moving,' Flossie added and he dabbed a hanky to his eye patch. Lefty wrote 'Star material' on the form in front of him and thanked Geraldine for coming. Geraldine responded with a dignified curtsy and made her way from the stage. 'Next please!' Flossie called out and Camille took the stage accompanied by her pupils. 'Bonjour,' she began, 'I am 'appy to announce that ma little students, all of whom 'ave considerable acting experience, are now at your disposal.' 'Right...' Flossie began but before he could get any further he noticed Lefty trying to attract his attention. 'Not sure how we'd stand with health and safety,' Lefty explained, 'what with them being so young.' 'Ah!' Flossie replied. 'I think,' Lefty continued and here he quickly looked through a thick folder to find the relevant page, ...

'One at a time please!' Flossie bleated. Annie stampeded toward Flossie and only managed to stop at the very last moment. 'We are,' she explained, 'a double act.' And she stampeded back to Cyril, forgot to stop and fell off the back of the stage. 'As you have witnessed,' Cyril cried, 'Miss Annie does all of her own stunts!' 'And I can eat trifle!' Annie called out as she climbed back onto the stage. 'What more could you ask?' Cyril asked. 'You could ask for cake,' Annie suggested. So, Cyril asked for cake but there wasn't any. 'If you could make a note of that please,' Cyril said. And Lefty made a note on a form. 'Any previous acting experience?' Flossie asked. 'Pardon?' Cyril replied. 'I'll speak up,' Flossie bleated. 'If you could please,' Cyril replied. 'There was supposed to be a megaphone,' Lefty added. 'Do you still need on...