Cow Island

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (I found a spare box of 'o's in my cabin, sometimes life has these little surprises!) Annie person here....we seem to be doing the sailing thing again...ho hum! Now Norma (my best friend) has asked me to look after Mr Norman, so you join us halfway through a game of deck 'Shove Geraldine'....this is a spin off from my earlier game of deck 'Shove Mr Norman' which failed to take off for what Captain Eyepatch has described as 'very obvious reasons'. I am currently describing Captain Eyepatch as 'bitten on the tail'. I'm quite pleased with the way this second game is going and might consider some sort of offer for a global franchise deal...possibly in exchange for some trifle or a nice set of hoof mittens as it seems to be getting cold. Right, must go, it's my turn.......have fun whatever you're doing...what are you doing by the way? I suppose you can't be that busy because you have time to read this! ...

'All clear ahead!' called down Bertha. 'Hard a Starboliarboliboard!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Are you sure you don't mean Port?' asked Norma. 'Whatever!' replied Captain Bill. 'Has anybody seen my pencil? said Horace. 'I think Annie's got it!' said Norma. 'Sheepy Pirate Ship in sight!' called down Bertha. 'AAARRRGGGGHHHH!' screamed Captain Bill. 'Just joking!' added Bertha. 'I do wish she wouldn't keep doing that!' said Captain Bill. 'Anyone for 9th breakfast?' asked Cyril. 'Annie won't give it back!' said Horace. 'Annie!' called out Norma. 'Steer Not North!' mooed Captain Bill. 'So shall I eat it?' asked Cyril. 'Actually,' said Captain Bill. 'Too late!' said Cyril. 'She's broken the tip off!' moaned Horace. 'Annie!' called out Norma. 'Is it going to be like this for the whole voyage?' asked Norman. 'Very possibl...

'It's just that I thought he should be aiming a little lower than that!' said Captain Bill. 'Oh, now he wants to be involved!' mooed Bertha. 'I'm just making a suggestion!' replied Captain Bill. Captain Bill, Bertha, Norma....actually all of the Cows, were gathered together on the deck of the Pickled Heifer, looking down at where Norman was standing in the water. Norman was equipped with, what Bertha had described as, a Mark IV Thumper. 'Bertha and I are very sure about where the ship needs to be hit,' said Norma, 'we did measure it all out......twice.' 'Hmmmmmmm?' replied Captain Bill. 'AND WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?' bellowed Bertha. But before Captain Bill could reply Norman decided to take matters into his own trunk* and gave the Pickled Heifer a very large thump. The ship jolted, shuddered and then with a bit of a scrapping noise, slid of the rocks and back into the sea. Where is listed rather heavily to one si...

Morning everyone! Oh look, it seems as if Norma and myself have been left to sort things out! Who'd have thought that that would happen? Still, step forward the ladies who launch! Now I realise that it looks as if all I'm doing is collecting a very large sack of grass....possibly because that's what I am doing...but all will become clear! Both to you and to our lovely Captain...how do we manage without him?* Right, on with the day! Do try to sit up straight if you're working at a desk. Bertha *Yes, that's what I thought as well!

Morning all, Captain Bill here, fully in command and knitted compass at the ready. I'm pleased to report that little Annie's included a free upgrade and has added an extra 'Not North' onto the back of it just for emergencies! Well I think it's only right for me to say that things have turned out pretty much as I expected. Norman has been found and it only remains for us to get the Pickled Heifer off the rocks and then we can set sail. Now it would be very easy for me to stampede in with a solution to that problem but part of being a first class Captain is allowing the crew to find their own solutions....so I'm leaving it to them! I believe Bertha and Norma have already put their horns together, so lets see what they come up with! Right, duty calls! Captain Bill

Morning everyone, Norma here, how are you all today? Now I must start by thanking all of you who were so concerned about Captain Bill. As you can see he's safely tucked up for a rest at the moment. We got him back down to the bottom of the very tall thing yesterday afternoon and decided there wasn't a moment to loose! Annie, Geraldine and myself set to work and in a difficult 4 hour operation we managed to repair the knitted compass. It was touch and go for a while I can tell you! Annie did most of the work, I helped and Geraldine stood by with a small bag of herring. I have to say, Annie did a wonderful job and you can hardly see the stitches! Having got that far and with the patient showing little sign of distress, I made a quick decision and we went for broke and put his hat back on as well! I'm sure you can imagine how tired we all were by the end of it all. Well that's all for the moment. I do hope you have a nice day, is the sun out? Norma

'And then Cyril did exactly what I asked him to do!' said Captain Bill with a flourish. 'Well I think you all did ever so well!' replied Norma, 'I would have been soooooo worried if it had been me! You really have been through a bit of a scrape.' 'I suppose,' said Captain Bill, 'but how to panic properly is one of the things they teach you at Captain School and on reflection it was a small price to pay.' 'I'm sure they do,' said Norma, 'and I'm not without hope that we can fix it once we've got you back down to the ground.' 'Are you sure?' asked Captain Bill with a weak smile. 'Oh yes!' replied Norma,'I'll ask Annie what she thinks, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if we can get it as good as new!' 'Only a I don't think I'd feel like I was a proper Captain without a knitted compass!' said Captain Bill. But Norma assured Captain Bill that of all the things that might l...

'It's.......it's trickier than you think!' said Captain Bill, who was trying to keep very, very still. 'Hmm?' said Horace. 'I said,' repeated Captain Bill,'that it's trickier than you......you weren't listening!' 'Sorry,' said Horace,'I was just admiring the view.' 'Fine!' said Captain Bill. 'You can see all the way to the town!' added Horace. 'Excuse me for suggesting I'd be happier if you could see all the way to Cyril!' replied Captain Bill. 'Not yet!' said Horace, who glanced behind himself,'I'm sure he'll be back soon though. He seemed to have some sort of plan.' 'I'm sure he has!,' replied Captain Bill,'I'm just not certain it involves my rescue!' And so for a while neither Captain Bill or Horace said anything at all. 'Horace!' said Captain Bill after a while. 'Yes?' replied Horace. 'If.....if this doesn't work out.......

'Right!' said Captain Bill, 'right.............OK............well......right!' 'So what now?' asked Horace. 'Well,' said Captain Bill again, 'I suppose...we climb it! So Captain Bill and Horace and Cyril stood for a while and looked at the very tall thing. 'Perhaps,' said Horace after a while, 'we could work out some sort of route? Maybe we could use your compass thingy!' And so they all had a look at Captain Bill's compass thingy. Which didn't help one little bit! 'Of course,' said Captain Bill,'it is a knitted compass and I think I remember reading somewhere that a crocheted compass is better on dry land.' So they stopped looking at it. 'Well, you know,' said Captain Bill, 'I think we should just...well, sort of...get on with it. I mean the girls managed it...it can't be all that tricky can it?' And so they set off and in a gesture intended to inspire confidence, Captain Bill let Horace go...

Oh! Hello everybody.....I've not done this before but, as we appear to have got a bit of spare time, Norma suggested I might like to do a blog. My name is Norman. And I was wondering, if you don't mind me asking, whether there are any lady elephants out there reading this? I like all the usual things, foreign travel, buns, standing in rivers spraying water into the air and I don't mind a bit of tennis. I've done lots of different jobs but tend to lean towards the small business enterprise sort of thing. Only I've been on my own for a while now.... Anyway if you'd like to make contact, my chums will be dropping me off at King Otto's Island and I'll be around there for the foreseeable future...perhaps you could drop me a line? Many thanks for taking the time to read this. Norman : )

'Well Norma and Bertha should have checked if it was that close to the end of the season?' said Captain Bill,'and I never got my money back!' 'I'm sure Norma did her best!' said Horace. 'If you'd just let me....' suggested Cyril. 'No, no, no!' replied Captain Bill, 'for the last time you are not going to 'borrow' a boat..we're in enough trouble as it is.' Captain Bill, Horace and Cyril were concealed beneath a tree and behind a hedge and even, from time to time, behind each other. From this point of view they were watching some rather animated movements that were coming from the hotel. 'Somehow I suspect that it might be a while before we can stay there again!' said Captain Bill. 'Oh dear!' said Horace. 'Well people can get like that,' replied Captain Bill, 'particularly when you knock out a guest and then steal their cake...while dressed as a member of staff!' 'Very petty!' ...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzhellozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Annie here, Norma (my best friend) says I am to tell you that we're almost down the other side of the great big thing. Now it's like this, Bertha or Ms Bossy Hooves Bertha as I may start calling her, keeps on insisting that we get up early because that's what real climbing people do. Why would I want to be a real climbing people person??? I'm more than happy being a little cartoon cow person! I've warned Bertha that if I have to try to be two people persons there is more than a slight chance that I could become mildly confused. I have also pointed out that if you take Mr Early Morning and tuck him up in a duvet for a couple of hours, then when you take him out again he will have become Mr Almost Lunchtime, which is a far better time to be getting up! Thank you for your attention. Annie : (yawn) Going back to sleep nowzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

'Really?' said Captain Bill,'how interesting!' 'And then the man who was asleep woke up...although as it turned out he wasn't a publisher!' added Horace. 'Still, good experience!' replied Captain Bill. Captain Bill, Horace and Cyril had left the Hotel and made their way down through the town to the small harbour that was nestling in the cove below. To keep them entertained Horace had been giving them a very detailed report on his poetry reading. 'But then he left anyway,' continued Horace, 'actually they all left after the first hour, so I did the last 27 poems on my own although....' 'Yes, yes, fine!' interupted Captain Bill, 'maybe hear the rest later on? For at that moment they arrived at the point along the harbour wall where a man was standing. '3 please!' said Captain Bill. 'Hmm?' said the man. '3!' repeated Captain Bill, '3 tickets...for the boat around the island, you know,toot, toot, al...

'I never been so embarrassed in my life!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Really?' said Cyril. 'That's a rather sheltered life if you don't mind me saying so!' 'That poor woman,' continued Captain Bill,'must have given her the fright of her life! There she is sitting nibbling on a slice on fruit cake, next thing she knows there's a deformed elephant standing next to her saying "are you going to finish that?"....No wonder she screamed!' 'Well she wasn't going to finish it!' replied Cyril. 'You never gave her a chance!' said Captain Bill, 'she went to lift it to her mouth, you lunged forward, the sprinkler on my trunk hit her on the head and down she went! She'll be in therapy for years! And when those people gave chase! I thought we'd never shake them off...and all for a slice of cake!' 'So do you want a bit?' said Cyril. 'Is there icing on it?' asked Captain Bill. '..................

Hello everyone, Norma here. Just giving you a little progress report. Well I'm sure you'll all be glad to hear that everything is going very nicely. We're certainly making much quicker progress going back with Norman helping us, although in return, I am contractually required to point out that there is much more to an elephant than just a trunk. We've decided that we're going to stop now for a little rest as we've found a pleasant picnic area... although Bertha is referring to it as Camp 3 at the base of the southern col! There are days when everybody seems to have an opinion! Anyway we should be back to the Pickled Heifer in next to no time. I do hope the chaps are having fun as well. I'm sure they'll be OK as long as they all make the effort to get along with one another. Right, nibbles time! Bye Norma

'Hopeless!' said Captain Bill, 'absolutely hopeless!' 'It'll do,' said Cyril. 'It's a hose pipe!' mooed Captain Bill, 'you could at least have taken the sprinkler off the end!' 'Didn't quite have the time for that,' replied Cyril. 'Why not?' asked Captain Bill. 'No reason,' replied Cyril. 'IT'S STOLEN!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Borrowed,' corrected Cyril. 'Oh udders!' said Captain Bill. 'You worry too much,' said Cyril. 'Well of course I worry!' replied Captain Bill, 'I can see it now, "sorry m'lud, only we stole the hose pipe because we needed to impersonate an elephant."' 'I'm feeling peckish,' said Cyril, who felt that the conversation should be moved along. 'And that's news is it?' asked Captain Bill. 'Hmmm?' 'What? 'There's a lady over there!' said Cyril. 'What about her?' asked Captain Bil...

'Well we'll just have to get a move on!' said Bertha, who was a tad annoyed. 'But it didn't cause much of a delay,' replied Norma, 'I only stayed for the first 3 poems. I just thought he aught to have a little bit of support that's all!' 'Hmmm!' was all Bertha said in reply. 'Was it going well? asked Norman, who was keen to keep eveyone happy. 'The man who was asleep woke up!' replied Norma. 'Oh, that's a good sign!' said Norman. 'But that's not the point!' mooed Bertha,' the whole idea of the poetry reading was to give us time to get away unseen!' 'In which case,' said Norma, 'if you don't mind me asking, couldn't we have just gone out of the gap marked 'exit?' 'You know,' replied Bertha,'sometimes you have absolutely no sense of occasion....and anyway who would have thought Geraldine would have been that good with a saw?!' And on that point everyone agr...

'But you said there would be publishers!' said Horace. 'Well, I said I thought there might be, I never actually promised,' replied Norma, who was finding it hard to look at Horace. 'But there are only 3 people out there,' continued Horace, 'and of those, one's asleep, another's facing the wrong way and the last one's the hotel gardner!' 'Oh, I'm sorry,' mooed Norma,'I didn't realise that it would be so quiet. I didn't know it was so close to the end of the holiday season..maybe a few more will turn up and you never know, if only 1 of them is a publisher it could be the breakthrough you need and anyway I need you to do this so we can get Norman out the back without anyone seeing him!' 'Well I don't think there's much risk of that!' replied Horace. 'But you said you would!' said Norma and she very shyly glanced up at Horace. 'If you were else I'd say no!' replied Horace. And Norma...

Hello everyone! How are you all today? Now I know things got a little heated yesterday, but I really thought that Captain Bill and Cyril looked quite good. The rest of us had put a great deal of effort into making that disguise and Captain Bill could have tried to be a bit more supportive. As next week's going to be very hectic I thought I would just have a little 'me' time today. The Hotel has a nice formal garden area with statues and things, it's all very peaceful. I got Annie down by the way. There's a bit of tree still stuck to her but it'll soon come off. Well do have wonderful weekends. Are you going anywhere? Hugs to you all! Norma

'No honestly,' said Norma, 'the resemblance is uncanny!' 'Are you serious!!!' mooed an incredulous Captain Bill. 'Well maybe having Geraldine there helps a little bit,' conceded Norma. 'We don't even have a trunk!' said Captain Bill. 'Actually, there is more to an elephant than just a trunk!' called out Norman from the background. 'Norma!' called out Annie. 'In a moment!' replied Norma. 'But Cyril has assured us he can lay his hoof on a very life like trunk,' added Bertha. 'Consider it sorted!' said Cyril. 'Actually, there is more to an elephant than just a trunk!' called out Norman from the background. 'Norma!' called out Annie. 'In a moment!' replied Norma. 'We don't stand a chance!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Well try to keep in the background,' suggested Bertha, 'behind some trees or something.' 'But people are supposed to be able to see us!' sai...

Morning all, Bertha here, how are you? I've not had a chance to talk to you for a while now. I do hope that you've all been constructive and that you've remembered to sit up straight? Now as you can see, Operation Free the Norman One is now in full swing and I'm glad to say that everyone has a part to play. Annie is helping me to glue some things together and even little Geraldine (a most delightful young penguin) is providing a bit of ballast. If you are gluing something together you might like some of the following advice. 1. Always glue outside. This is because there is much more light so you can see what you're doing and because you can have a nibble on the grass at the same time. 2. Accept the fact that no matter how far away you put your Annie from the glue pot she will naturally drift towards it. 3. Try to hire a Penguin. Right, that's all from me, keep working! Bertha

'But it just seems to be a totally bizarre plan that'll involve the complete humiliation of several members of the group!' said Captain Bill. 'Nonsense!' replied Bertha. 'I will admit,' said Norma, 'that the juggling flamingos were a step too far, but we've got rid of them now.' 'Well go over it once more then,' said Captain Bill. So that's what Norma and Bertha did. 'Right,' began Norma, 'Bertha, Annie and myself, with Geraldine, will get Norman out of the rear exit and will then make our way back over the very tall thing to the Pickled Heifer. To help to distract the staff at the crucial moment Horace will give a poetry reading on the front lawn.' 'Norma thinks there's a very high chance that there'll be a conference of publishers staying in the hotel by then,' added Horace enthusiastically. 'Reeeeeaaaaaallllyyy?' said Captain Bill and just for a moment a glance was exchanged between himself a...

Huddled close together, Norma, Bertha and Captain Bill had been having a bit of a chat. So far, to nobodies great surprise, not much had been accomplished 'You're not really suggesting that we just go back without him are you?' asked Norma. 'Well he seems quite happy here,' replied Captain Bill, 'he's got a steady job after all. 'But what would we tell Queen Phoebe?' said Bertha. 'Hmm, good point' conceded Captain Bill, 'well we'd never be able to go home, we'd have to spend the rest of our lives sailing the wild oceans, hoping that we never bumped into her. That would take all the guile and cunning of a clever and resourceful, first class Captain.' And for a while nobody said anything. 'My legal advisor says I've got a very good case if I can just get the fees together,' trumpeted Norman after a couple of minutes. 'Would that be Cyril?' asked Norma. 'Judge Cyril, ' corrected Norman. 'I suppose ...

'It's somewhere around there,' said Norman and he pointed with his trunk at the entire document· Bertha held the contract a little closer and carefully examined it. 'Oh yes!' she said at last, 'I see what you mean, that is a very long contract!' and she pointed at the relevant part for Captain Bill and Norma to see. 'Two hundred and thirty seven years!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Mmmmm!' said Norman. 'But it does have a very good pension plan.' 'Of course it would!' replied Captain Bill. 'Paying in for that long...I wouldn't be surprised if you got to keep the whole island!' 'Oh that would be nice!' said Norman, but Norma explained that Captain Bill was being a bit sarcastic. 'But why didn't you read the small print before signing it?' asked Bertha. 'It's not easy reading the small print when you're this big,' replied Norman, 'actually it's not easy reading any print when you...