Cow Island

'Well I'm sure she'll be along in a minute,' said Bertha. 'I have to say it's most unlike her to miss a meeting,' replied Captain Bill,'only I can't wait much longer you know, I'm a busy man.' So Captain Bill got started. 'I just wanted,' he began ,'to call you all here this morning, to announce that the huge tower of dangerously wobbly water has been dealt with and... 'Did you say dealt with?' asked Horace. 'Yes,' replied Captain Bill. 'I was supposed to be writing a poem about that!' 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'Well do you still want me to?' 'Erm,' said Captain Bill,'.....up to you really!' And Horace said he probably wouldn't. 'Anyway,'continued Captain Bill,'the... 'HUGE TOWER OF WOBBLY WATER!' mooed Annie in complete shock just before she fell over. 'It's OK,' she added,'I'm fine, carry on!' 'Anyone else?' asked Ca...

'Well almost finished!' said Norma cheerily. 'Yes, I suppose so,' replied Captain Bill. 'Tell me, have, have you noticed that it's getting a bit muddy?' 'I suppose it's bound to,' replied Norma,' it's had been rather wet for a while.' 'True,' replied Captain Bill. 'I mean,' said Norma,'first it was snow and then it was water, I suppose we should have expected it.' 'Hmmm,' replied Captain Bill,'I suppose so, still at least I've managed not to get any on me.' And Norma wondered what would be for the best and ended up saying nothing. 'Do you,' said Captain Bill,'do you think I should call a meeting and thank everybody for their help? Would it be a Captainy thing to do.' 'Oh yes!' replied Norma,'although Cyril only helped for a few minutes....and Annie didn't help because of being wrapped up in cotton wool....and I've not seen Horace for simply ages...but it w...

'No, no, no!' said Cyril,'and if you don't mind me saying, you've made this mistake before.' 'Really?' replied Captain Bill...who was clearly struggling. 'Oh yes!' said Cyril,'and besides, it's not just the size of the bucket that counts but also the number of trips that you make.' Captain Bill stopped and put down his buckets. 'I've been here since 10am yesterday,' he said,'I've only had 4 hours sleep. You turned up 5 MINUTES AGO!' 'There's no need to shout,' replied Cyril,'I had a dental appointment, very important things teeth, couldn't be missed.' 'But we don't have a dentist!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Well then it's no wonder I took so long,' replied Cyril,'having to go 'off island'. You should be thankful I got back a quickly as I did.' And with that he put down his buckets and started to walk away. 'Where do you think you're going?' ...

Morning all, your Captain speaking. No doubt you'll have worked out my little deception from yesterday. This time of year can be pretty depressing. Winter coming to an end, Spring yet to get going. Not much to do. So by stepping back and allowing the girls to carry a few buckets of water I've managed to ensure that fitness levels stay high and nobody has time to stand around getting bored. Of course this sort of top command decision doesn't just happen by accident. There's been years of careful study coupled with a natural sense of how to get the best from those beneath you. Bertha has been talking about getting everyone to help..but frankly, there's not much chance of that! Take care Captain Bill

'And,' said Captain Bill,'if there's one thing I cannot abide it's people jumping to conclusions!' 'I'll jump on something in a minute!' muttered Bertha. 'Look,' said Norma,' shall we all just agree that the pump is a bit broken?' 'Indeed!' replied Captain Bill,'I think we can all agree that the pump, for reasons that have yet to be...' 'IT'S THE SPOON!' '...that have yet to be fully established,'continued Captain Bill,'has become a bit damaged.' Bertha looked at Captain Bill who backed away ever so slightly. 'So I suppose we'll just have to finish clearing the water with buckets,' said Norma. 'Mmm,' said Captain Bill. 'Was that it then?' asked Bertha. 'Sorry?' said Captain Bill. 'I think,' said Norma,'that Bertha was hoping that you might say something a bit more encouraging, a bit more...Captainy.' So for a while Captain Bill stood and th...

Hellllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! It's me, Annie! Now as you may know...actually you may not know, but if you read down a couple of blogs all will be explained...I'll wait for a bit while you go and have a look. Tum de dum de dooooooooooo! Have you done? Right, now as you know, Norma (my best friend) has decided to take off the cotton wool that I'm wrapped up in. BUT! While I've been like this I have been able to have 17.4297 thinks. Most of them were about whether the stars are just very distant trifles, but I've also had a least 1 thunk about my present condition. And I like it....for several reasons! 1. I can't see that much and as someone who finds the real world a pretty frightening place this is a clear advantage. 2. It's nice and warm and you can fall asleep whenever you like...result! 3. If you fall over you don't hurt yourself...I try not to fall over but it happens! 4. Nobody expects you to do anything. So I've decided to stay wrap...

Hello everyone, Norma here. Well I have to say, Bertha's idea seems to be working! She's fixed up the pump and even as we speak the huge wobbly tower of highly dangerous water is being emptied into the sea. It'll take a while but I think it just goes to show how things can be done if we all just work together. Apart from that Captain Bill is having one last go at trying to find which fish took his spoon...I'm not sure it's worth it but it's up to him. Finally I think I shall be able to untie Annie and take the cotton wool off! So, all in all, it's as pretty near an ordinary day as one could wish for. Well I do hope you all have a jolly nice weekend. Have fun and perhaps go for a nice walk on Sunday morning. Bye Norma

A ROSE I sat and waited on the day I sat and watched it slip away It crushed this heavy heart of mine Once more I'm not your valentine A card, a simple word or look A rose left fading in a book Your love it would be so divine But I am not your valentine The loneliness it presses down Presses me flat against the ground And when at last I try to rise The marks of stones left in my hide So let another year roll by Twelve months more to wonder why And if you ask I'll say I'm fine A lie, I'm not your valentine Thank you Horace

'Is that the one?' asked Captain Bill. 'Well I don't know!' replied Norma. 'Hmm,' muttered Captain Bill,'I don't think it's orange enough. Have you searched it?' 'I've only just got it in the net!' replied Norma,'really all I want to do is get them out before Bertha starts pumping!' 'Still,' said Captain Bill,'it would seem like too good an opportunity to miss. I mean it must be one of them.' Norma flipped the fish out of the net and into the barrel and then looked at Captain Bill. 'Do you really think it's worth it?' she asked,'it was only a spoon!' 'Worth it?' mooed Captain Bill,'worth it!' he repeated. 'That's typical! You don't realise the impact it can have. I could easily have been traumatised!' 'By a fish?' asked Norma. 'It's possible!' replied Captain Bill,'now what about the one on the left, with the squint. A jailbird...fi...

Right, morning all, well I tried waiting for someone else to do the job. Failed! Honestly, even when you come up with a good idea, other people are useless at putting it into action. So I've slung together a makeshift pump. One end into the big wobbly tower of water and the other can point towards the sea. I've drawn up a rota for operating it, shouldn't take more than a few days. Then we can all get on with some proper jobs! Might even find time to fit in a bit of sculpture. Right, take care, have fun! Bertha

'Hopeless, absolutely hopeless!' said Bertha. 'Look for the last time,' replied Captain Bill,'it was NOT my fault!' Norma and Bertha both looked at Captain Bill. 'Well I tried to warn you!' he continued,'I said it had an aggressive look about it, but did anybody listen!' 'It was unexpectedly strong for a fish!' said Norma. 'Hopeless!' mooed Bertha. 'We do have other spoons,' said Norma,'perhaps you could try again?' 'Hmm,' replied Captain Bill,'I think if it's all the same to you I'll pass. I wouldn't be at all surprised if it didn't have whole canteens of cutlery stuffed away somewhere! Probably been building up a collection for years!' 'Right then!' said Bertha and with that she left the other two and herded off down towards the pier. 'If you want something doing!' she called back towards them as she went. 'Well you tried!' said Norma after she'd gone. ...

'GET ON WITH IT!' mooed Bertha. Captain Bill turned and herded towards where Bertha and Norma were standing. He got VERY close to Bertha. 'Madame!' he hissed,'would you please keep your voice down. I am going as fast as I dare!' 'Well you're taking forever!' replied Bertha,'we've been standing about for days.' 'That's because, as you very well know, this is a life or death operation that simply cannot be rushed! said Captain Bill,'and I still say we should have drawn straws!' 'We did,' said Norma,'...15 times!' 'Best of 16?' suggested Captain Bill. 'I don't think it'd make a lot of difference,' replied Norma,'you came last in the first 15.' 'Fair point,' said Captain Bill. 'So would you please stop messing around and get on with it!' mooed Bertha. 'I can't,' replied Captain Bill. 'Why not?' asked Norma. 'It's that fish,' replied...

'So that's it,'said Captain Bill,'that's the big idea?' 'Yes!' replied Bertha. 'A spoon!' said Captain Bill,'you want to dispose of a giant cube of wobbly water using a spoon!' 'I think it's quite a clever idea,' said Norma. 'It's just an experiment,' mooed Bertha, 'we need to be very careful how we go about this.' 'But it'll take forever!' replied Captain Bill. 'I suppose if it works we could have a spoon each?' suggested Norma and Bertha agreed that they could. 'But doesn't anyone else have a better idea?' asked Captain Bill. 'Erm!' said Horace,'I...I could write a poem about it...if you like?' 'Spoons it is then!' said Captain Bill. 'Right,' said Bertha,'now all we need is a volunteer!'

'I got to her just in time!' said Norma. 'Well done,' said Captain Bill. 'Luckily,' replied Norma,' Geraldine realised the danger and managed to distract her by miming the arias from several romantic, yet tragic, light operettas!' 'Top Penguin!' mooed Captain Bill. 'So most of this would be...?' 'Cotton wool,' replied Norma,'although there's a couple of thick blankets underneath as well and I've searched her for concealed trombones and the kettle drum tree won't blossom until the end of next month so we should be in the clear!' 'Excellent!' said Captain Bill,'although you made that last bit up didn't you?' And Norma confessed that she had. 'Right,'said Captain Bill,'so that's everything sorted then!' 'Well apart from the huge tower of dangerously unstable water that we're standing next to,' replied Norma. 'Oh yes!' said Captain Bill,'I'd forgot...

Hellllllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Annie here, how are you? Are you well? Now isn't strange what one can find in the middle of an empty field! I'd never really considered playing an organ before but this seems too good an opportunible to miss! Actually, before I start, I have to say that I've been giving some thought as to which note to play first and I'm a bit disappointed. It turns out that notes have names like A and B....what sort of limited imagination does that show! I mean if you were a note and you'd spent all that time waiting around to be played so that you could know what your name was and then it turns out to be A...I'd be asking for my money back and possibly expecting a big cream cake as compensation. Soooooooooooooo I've decided that the first note that I will play will be called Lionel... ...not sure what I'll call the second one...feel free to make suggestions. Right, on we go, wish me luck! Annie

'...a really sudden thaw!' said Captain Bill. 'That was sudden!' said Bertha. 'Very sudden,' agreed Norma. 'I don't think I've ever seen one more sudden?' added Bertha. 'Can I,' said Captain Bill, 'can I suggest that we all remain very, very still and talk very, very quietly?' 'I think you can!' replied Norma. So Norma, Bertha and Captain Bill remained very, very still and very, very quiet and looked at the huge tower of wobbly water that stood in front of them. 'So,' said Captain Bill,' that's us standing very still and being very quite then!' 'And Cyril's right down at the far end of the Pier,' said Bertha. 'So,' said Captain Bill,'that's the three of us standing very still and being very quiet and Cyril down at the far end of the Pier.' 'Horace is probably writing poetry,' whispered Norma,'that won't make much noise, he only uses a soft pencil.' So,...

'We really should have kept a closer eye on where we were clearing the snow to!' said Bertha. 'Yes,' replied Captain Bill,'yes, fair play, I can see what you mean!' 'I think we just got a bit carried away with the whole clearing aspect of the problem,' said Norma. 'Whilst rather neglecting to appreciate the consequences of where we were putting it!' added Bertha. 'Well 10 out of 10 for the critical self assessment!' said Captain Bill. 'But as soon as we realised what we'd done we took immediate action,' mooed Norma. 'In what way?' asked Captain Bill. 'We've moved Cyril down to the end of the Pier,' replied Bertha. 'To act as a counter weight,' said Norma,'only we were a bit worried about the Island tipping over!' 'Good move!' agreed Captain Bill.'Anyway, there's not too much to worry about...it should be perfectly OK....I mean there's not much that could happen....it'...

'Is this really necessary?' asked Captain Bill. 'We though it was time for a meeting,' said Bertha. 'So we could let you know how things are progressing!' added Norma. 'Seeing as how you're not actually helping anymore!' said Bertha. Captain Bill looked at Bertha. 'I have given myself a break,' he said,' because, as you very well know, I have suffered a traumatic experience!' 'Would you like another?' asked Bertha, but Norma quickly hurried the conversation along. 'We've done very well,' she said. 'We've completely cleared the pier and the surrounding fields.' 'Excellent!' replied Captain Bill. 'And a lot of the meadows are done as well!' Norma continued. 'So I can see!' said Captain Bill,'so it's all good news then?' 'Well,' said Norma,'it's more good news....and bad news!' Captain Bill slowly nodded his head and took a deep breath. 'So what...

You've missed him...but he's been working hard...and now he's back! Iiiitttttttt'ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss CYRILLLLLLLLLLL! Morning chumlettes! I was only trying to help! Get rid of the snow they said! So seeing as they've taken my broom away, I thought it was time to approach the problem the Cyril way! FOR SALE: Individually wrapped snowballs! I know, I know, how did you live without them? But here they are, hoof picked and packed and ready to be posted. Only the very best snow has been used with each individual flake checked by our highly trained staff* So buy now...while it's still a bit chilly! Thank you Take care Dr Cyril Snow *It's Annie, you have been warned!

'Of course it was deliberate!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Oh, I'm not sure,' replied Norma, 'I think this time I'm willing to give Cyril the benefit of the doubt.' 'But he swept whacking great big piles of snow straight on top of me!' said Captain Bill,'.........17 times!' 'Well he was just being thorough,' replied Norma,'you can't criticize him for not helping and then criticize him when he does.' 'And he jumped up and down on it when he finished!' added Captain Bill,'I'm sure I could hear him laughing.' 'Well you were the one who took his shovel away and insisted that he swept up.' replied Norma,'besides we found you in the end.' 'Only thanks to Geraldine!' said Captain Bill,'if you ask me it's come to something when the most reliable member of me crew's a penguin!' And with that Captain Bill turned and herded off into the distance. 'Thanks for helping!...

'Well he should be here!' mooed Bertha, who was clearly not very happy. 'I know,' replied Norma,'but I can't seem to find him anywhere!' 'Typical!' said Bertha,'he wants to be in charge and then, as soon as there's a bit of work to do, he goes and hides himself away!' 'Hmmm,' said Norma,'but he had been helping. He was here one minute and then he wasn't.' 'But he can't expect all of us to clear the snow for him!' said Bertha. 'Oh, quite right,' replied Norma,'although I am a bit worried that he might not be feeling very well.' 'Why's that?' asked Bertha. 'Well,' replied Norma,'I was talking to Cyril and he said, the last time he saw him, he looked a bit under the weather!' And with that Norma and Bertha got back to work.

Morning all, Captain Bill here...still busy! Snow to be cleared! As you will no doubt have noticed, I've taken full control of the this difficult situation. As Bertha once said 'We can rely on you to make it into a crisis!' I think we all know what she meant!. So I'm digging myself a very deep hole! And as I'm sure you'll all be glad to hear, I didn't fall for Cyril's rather childish 'Big shovel' argument. I've ordered Norma to tell Bertha to get him doing something else! Once again the vital lessons learnt at Captain School are being used for the benefit of all! Right, lots of work to be done...and it's already getting dark! Captain Bill