Cow Island

'The thing is,' said Norman, 'I still need a ladder to be able to do the windows on the top floor and we didn't have one. Well we did have 37 but I broke them all.......................so we decided to come back here.' 'I think this is far more important,' mooed Bertha. 'Your talents are wasted washing windows!' 'And I get to wear a natty hat and coat when I'm working undercover,' added Norman.  'It's a very effective image,' replied Bertha. 'Classic but with modern tailoring,' said Norma. 'Ta!' replied Norman. 'Although I'm not sure many secret agents get asked to help with doing knitting?' 'Which simply adds to your undercoverness,' suggested Bertha.  'I hadn't looked at it that way,' replied Norman. And so for a while Norman helped Bertha and everything remained nice and calm and not worth writing about. Until............................................ ...

'Well that's got it down onto the floor,' said Captain Bill. 'It was easier than I thought,' mooed Horace. 'We had a plan,' replied Captain Bill. 'It's a part of good captaining. Stay calm, think things through. You've got a little soil on the rug but apart from that it went very much as I expected.' 'So how do we get it out of the room?' Pfffffffffffffff?' replied Captain Bill. 'Actually I think we might just leave it there. I can get Norma or Bertha to move it later on. I really should get myself ready to meet Queen Phoebe. 'I don't suppose it's good form to keep her waiting?' said Horace. 'No,' replied Captain Bill. 'Probably not. Best if I put on the full dress uniform I suppose. Knitted compass, possibly two? A few medals!' 'Do you have any?'  'One doesn't like to boast,' replied Captain Bill. 'And I should make sure that my hat's on straight,...

'Lefty!' called out Flossie. '......................Lefty!' 'Yes?' 'Where are you?' 'Over here!' 'Right!.....................................Where's that?' 'Errrrrrrrrrrrr...now you ask?' 'Can you see me?' 'Where are you?' 'I'm here!' '........................................................................................No!' 'OK!' bleated Flossie. 'On paper it was a good idea, I approved it, my responsibility, but, got to be honest, it's not panned out.' 'I should have done a full feasibility study,' replied Lefty, 'and a proper risk assessment.' 'Never enough time,' said Flossie. 'Now being practical...hang on! Did you hear that?' 'What?' 'That splash!' 'Was it a splash?' 'I thought it was a splash?' 'Mum!..............................Mum?' 'Stay calm,...

'Well I think it's a bit of a liberty!' trumpeted Norman. Annie ran anticlockwise around Norman for 3 minutes and then gave him a huge hug. 'I shall still love you,' she mooed. 'Thanks,' replied Norman, 'and I'd like to make it quite clear that if anything happens while I'm away I won't be blamed.' 'I shall stand by you,' said Annie, 'or on you or under you or within a 5 mile radius of you.' 'Very kind,' said Norman. 'Pleasure,' replied Annie and she hugged Norman again. 'Thanks again,' said Norman. 'Now, I think that's done, no smears as far as I can see?' 'Shall we take a bun break?' 'I was hoping you might suggest that,' said Norman, 'it's been at least half an hour.' 'My chum, Lord Sir Lord Cyril of Nommingshire recommends never going more than 10 minutes without food,' replied Annie, '...not including snacks.' ...

'But!' mooed Captain Bill. 'But what's....what's...why....I mean why what why???' 'Sorry?' said Horace. 'There's a tree!' continued Captain Bill. 'There's a tree, there, there in my cabin! There's a tree!' 'So there is!' replied Horace. 'Well, what's it doing there?' 'I don't know,' replied Horace. 'Where did you want it?' 'What?' 'Well if you didn't want it there, where did you want it to be?' 'I...I don't want it anywhere!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Then, if you don't mind me asking, why did you have it put in your cabin in the first place?' Captain Bill stared at Horace and then herded very, very close to him. 'Look,' he began, 'just because dear old Wonky Horns isn't here doesn't mean that you need to make a valiant effort to deputise for her. I didn't put the tree in my cabin. I didn't a...

'So did Horace get you anything?' asked Bertha. 'No!' said Norma.

'Do you have anything closer to a teal?' asked Norma. 'Well I don't know!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'One don't do this sort of thing on a regular basis.' 'So is the real stall holder around?' asked Bertha. 'Don't ask me!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'One just asked One's guards to make arrangements so One could keep a low profile. I don't know what's actually involved with running the place. One's normally busy doing more queenly things, like waving and closing down homes for poor people.' 'I think you mean opening up?' suggested Norma. 'Whatever,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'The point is that, at the moment, One is fully occupied by the need to recapture escaped pirate sheep...and to keep it out of the papers.' 'I think we'd be happy to put ourselves at your disposal,' mooed Bertha. 'Appreciated,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Above all we have to protect the reputa...

'On reflection,' bleated Flossie, 'it would have been more advantageous to have had Dave at the top.' 'He was very insistent,' replied Lefty, 'and there's no way the flock would have accepted the idea of you being at the bottom.' 'Kind,' said Flossie, 'but the whole stability thing is feeling distinctly suspect.' 'I could come down and swap with him,' suggested Lefty. 'Nice thought,' replied Flossie, 'but I think we're already committed. Another time perhaps.' 'If you're sure?' asked Lefty. 'Best if we just press on,' said Flossie. 'Hooky, what's out there?' Hooky tapped several times. 'I thought as much,' replied Flossie, 'and the guards?' Hooky tapped several times more. 'Curses!' said Flossie. 'Curses and several other mild expressions of frustration. They must have realised we've escaped.' 'We could rush th...

'Hello Norman!' said Norma. 'I'm afraid I can't answer that Ma'am,' replied Norman. 'Why not?' asked Norma. 'I'm afraid I can't tell you that Ma'am,' said Norman. 'Why not?' asked Norma. 'I'm afraid I can't tell that either Ma'am,' said Norman. 'Well what can you tell us?' asked Bertha. 'Oh! hang on!' replied Norman, 'I've got it written down. I can tell you the time, how to get stones out of horses hooves and the way to the bus station.' 'I didn't think there was a bus station?' said Norma. 'That's what I'm allowed to tell you,' replied Norman. 'Look Norman,' said Bertha, 'you know us. Norma would put up with this sort of thing for hours...I won't. So what's actually going on? There do seem to be an awful lot of guards.' 'I really can't tell you,' replied Norman. 'And I certainly ca...

'Idiot!' shouted Captain Bill. 'I clearly indicated that we were turning to starboliarboliboard!' 'We turned to port,' mooed Norma. 'Did we?' said Captain Bill. 'Well anyway, they should have been looking where they were going. We clearly had right of way.' 'Perhaps we could turn back and help them?' suggested Norma. 'You must be joking!' replied Captain Bill. 'Besides the water's not very deep by the look of it. I doubt they'll sink....very far.' 'HARBOUR APPROACHING!' called out Bertha. 'Right,' said Captain Bill, 'do you think I should take control of the twirly thing?' 'Geraldine does seem to be coping,' replied Norma. 'Hmm,' you're probably right,' said Captain Bill. 'I shouldn't get myself lost in the minor details. A captain needs to maintain a wider view.' 'I think that would be wise,' replied Norma. 'But if anyt...

'I don't think for a moment that they've actually eaten all the breakfasts,' said Norma. 'Hmm, but it would be more trouble than it's worth to prove it,' replied Bertha, 'and nobody will really mind calling in at King Otto's.' 'That's why I didn't bother checking with you,' said Norma. 'I thought you'd be happy to.' 'They used to have a very good wool stall on the market by the harbour,' replied Bertha, 'and I could do with some double knit.' 'What are you working on at the moment?' 'I'm not actually sure,' replied Bertha. 'I want to try to combine knitting with sculpture so this is more of a conceptual piece. I'm really just seeing where the needles take me. I've got some spare ones if you'd like to join in?' 'Another time,' said Norma. 'I don't like to be away too long.' 'How are things on deck?' asked Bertha. 'I...

'Ha! Ha! Ha!' Free at last! Ha! Ha! Etc, etc,' bleated Flossie. 'Oh, very good!' said Lefty. 'Really?' asked Flossie. 'Indeed,' replied Lefty. 'For me it conveyed relief at having escaped but with a touch of inevitable bloodcurdling revenge. Time and place to be arranged.' 'That's pretty much what I was after,' said Flossie, 'and it does feel genuinely good to be on the outside...with some slightly better quality grass.' 'And without the ball and chains as well,' added Lefty. 'Who would have thought that those self same oversized, rough edged, magazine staples that served us so well with the tunnelling would also make such excellent files?' 'True!' said Flossie. 'Somewhat surprised they never spotted the soil pile though.' 'Yes,' agreed Flossie, 'perhaps on reflection we did take the whole 'maximum security, escape completely impossible' billing a litt...

'And so by convincing everyone that we're out of breakfasts we're almost certain to put in at King Otto's, which means you'll get to see Norman,' explained Cyril. Annie vibrated so much she almost fell off her stool. 'He is an elephant you know,' she mooed. 'I luffs him!' 'Good for you!' said Cyril. 'Do you think he'll still have a trunk?' asked Annie. 'I'd expect him to,' replied Cyril. 'I've a known a few elephants in my time and they've always had trunks.' 'I wonder where they get them from?' asked Annie, who had by now fallen off and was laying sideways on the floor. 'I don't know,' replied Cyril. 'You could always ask him.' 'He might have forgotten.' 'I doubt it,' replied Cyril. 'Now are we prepared because these sausages are almost cooked.' 'I think so,' said Annie. 'Shall I get some more ready?' ...

'And with three different types of seaweed the weather forecasting should be even more accurate than ever,' explained Captain Bill. 'Lovely,' said Norma. 'I made the frame myself,' added Captain Bill. 'I thought you might have,' replied Norma. 'I like to think I can turn my hoof to most things.' 'Mmm,' said Norma, 'it's got a very...rustic quality.' 'I might add a bit of inlay to it if I can find the time and a brass handle to make it easier to carry.' Be careful not to overdo it,' said Norma. 'Now, moving on to other things, I can confirm that Annie's rendition of 'Where have all the breakfasts gone' was both surprisingly tuneful and correct.' Captain Bill sighed. 'So we're going to need to stop off somewhere and replenish.' 'We could try Sneegle and Fitch I suppose?' suggested Captain Bill. 'True,' replied Norma. 'That did occur to me...

'Well apart from disposing of the soil the tunnel's coming along just fine,' bleated Lefty. 'Is it proving to be a problem then?' asked Flossie. 'Afraid so,' replied Lefty. 'Still, top plan!' 'If you ask me it's a classic,' said Flossie. 'Straight out of the crows nest of despicable pirate escape ideas.' 'And now that we've been able to fashion those staples into very small but perfectly serviceable pick heads we should be through the comparatively soft but previously unmineable limestone substrata in next to no time,' replied Lefty. 'Although Hooky has expressed a preference to continue to use his...well...hook.' 'And who am I to stand in his way?' replied Flossie. 'A team effort is all about allowing for individuality while still maintaining a harmonious group focus. As long as each person feels that they're properly involved and that that involvement is genuinely valued then hal...

'So thinking out some sort of plan on where we're sailing to would seem like a good idea,' said Norma. 'Already on it!' mooed Captain Bill. 'By staring through a telescope at the deck of the Pickled Heifer?' queried Norma. 'Yesssssssssssssssssssss,' replied Captain Bill, '...........................it's not working!' 'Wrong piece of deck?' 'Possibly,' replied Captain Bill, 'but it was always a long shot.' 'TEA!' shouted Annie, who had arrived with a small trolley. 'Yes please,' said Norma and Captain Bill. 'And myself and Chef Cyril are now taking orders for breakfasts,' added Annie. 'Two for me please,' said Norma. 'I'll have three,' said Captain Bill, '...............or four.' 'Excellent,' mooed Annie. 'Allow me to take this opportunity to assure you that if we had any breakfasts then that is what I would now go and get you....