Cow Island

'Flock reporting for pre-disembarkation pep talk and any other matters arising,' advised Lefty. 'Is this really everyone?' asked Flossie. 'As can be spared,' replied Lefty. 'Not many?'  'There is still essential steering work to be done,' replied Lefty, 'and Mum's feeling a bit tired.' 'It's that time of day,' agreed Flossie. 'Wouldn't mind a nap myself. Still, on with the talk, basic plan, arrive at island, pop inland, create havoc, looting, raiding, etc, etc. Then double back, find a more suitable ship and push forward with the general pirating.' The flock bleated in agreement. 'And just to confirm,' asked Lefty, 'because I have been asked to enquire, we'll be doing all of this together, as a flock?' 'Indeed!' replied Flossie. 'I see no reason to split us up.' And once more the flock bleated in agreement (only more heartily because they'd been genu...

'I see we've almost caught them!' trumpeted Norman. 'Indeed,' replied Norma. 'I think we've done very well.' 'Mmm,' said Norman, 'and I have to say I've enjoyed the thrill of the chase. It's not something I get to experience very often.' 'Really?' asked Norma. 'Well normally I tend to catch people up quite quickly,' said Norman and he waved a large leg in the air. 'I suppose you would,' replied Norma. 'I'd never really thought about it before. Now Bertha and Geraldine and myself have been having a little chat about what might happen when we actually get alongside of the Pickled Heifer. The consensus seems to be that we think there's a good chance they could try to throw things at us.' 'Not pleasant,' said Norman. 'No!' replied Norma. 'But I suppose that's despicable pirate sheep for you. So if they do throw things at us we may have to throw them back...

'Now, don't want to seem ungrateful,' said Flossie, 'but have to be honest...feel silly.' 'Safe though,' replied Lefty. True, true,' said Flossie. 'Still, sometimes, just thinking out loud here, think we carry it all too far.' 'It's only while you're up there.' 'Good! Happy for the reassurance,' replied Flossie. 'Could I ask though, do we really have to have the cone?' 'It's only a little one.' 'Never the less?' 'Know you're not happy about it,' said Lefty, 'but the nails in the harness do constitute a trip hazard.' 'OK!' replied Flossie. 'Question asked, answer given. Moving forward, what news of our chasing steam powered adversaries?' 'Getting ever closer,' bleated Lefty. 'Taking your word for it,' replied Flossie. 'Partly because I implicitly trust you and partly because I can't turn around.' 'On the...

'It's.............it's huge!!!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'It's not bad,' replied Cyril. 'It must run the entire length of the ship!' 'Errrrrr, possibly,' said Cyril. 'Can't say I've ever measured it.' 'But I've only got a tiny room!' mooed Captain Bill. 'It's all you need really,' replied Cyril. 'This place is a burden.' 'I've just worked it out!' continued Captain Bill. 'We must be in the hold! 'Might be,' replied Cyril. 'Well it certainly explains why we can never carry much cargo...and you've taken all the ballast out.' 'I'm down here most of the time,' replied Cyril. 'It's pretty much the same thing.' 'Is that a jacuzzi?' asked Horace. 'Where?' said Captain Bill. 'Next to the billiards table,' replied Horace, 'behind that large marble sculpture.' 'Hardly ever use it,...

'So, reporting steam driven vessel approaching, quite quickly as it happens, off the Port bow,' bleated Lefty. 'Hmm,' said Flossie, 'not good news. What to do? What to do?...........How about we blow them out of the water! Har! Har! Har!' 'Love to!' replied Lefty. 'Slight problem in carrying that out on the grounds that there doesn't seem to be any cannon aboard.' 'Oh!' said Flossie. 'Or cannon balls.' 'Right,' said Flossie. '..............................Disappointed!' 'We're swinging from the same boarding rope on that one,' replied Lefty. 'Also, can confirm, having had time for a thorough search, no muskets, swords, pointy or otherwise, pistols, daggers or indeed any sort of weapon that your average ship might be expected to carry.' 'Odd!' said Flossie. '....................Other options?' 'Could throw that tree at them?' suggested Lefty. ...

'But...but where? Where, how, you, where, were, what????' stammered Captain Bill. 'You need to stay calm,' replied Cyril. 'I keep telling you.' 'But I thought...I thought you'd gone ashore?' 'Not really my sort of scene,' replied Cyril. 'It all looked...too active.' 'So...so you've been here the whole time?' 'Everyone has to be somewhere,' replied Cyril. 'But we've been held prisoner in this tiny room for days!' 'I know,' replied Cyril. 'They made us take exercise,' mooed Horace. 'I heard the screams,' replied Cyril. 'But you could have rescued us!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'You could have rescued us at any point!' 'Not at any point,' replied Cyril. 'I had to plan. You can't just rush into these sorts of things. There's lots to be considered. Timing, escape route, how many guards, what wine to serve?' 'WHAT WI...

'And that...that was supposed to be good for us?' gasped Captain Bill. 'I......................I...I can't feel my horns!' mooed Horace. Captain Bill glanced at Horace. 'They're still there.' 'Thanks!' said Horace. 'Fifty billion million times he made me run around that deck,' continued Captain Bill. 'Actually it was only once,' replied Horace, 'and then you fainted...again!' 'Well it felt like fifty billion million times,' insisted Captain Bill. 'I don't think I've got more than half a hoof left and me hat's not on straight, I can sense it.' 'He made me lift things,' said Horace. 'That's easier than running,' replied Captain Bill. 'Why is it?' asked Horace. 'Stands to reason,' replied Captain Bill. 'Your average person is used to lifting things. Cups of tea, cake.....biscuits. You're lifting things all the time.' 'I...

'It turns out that the knitted logs burn very well indeed,' explained Norma. 'We've noticed the increase in speed,' replied Bertha. 'We're catching them up!' 'So Annie wants to try embroidering some coal,' continued Norma. 'Clever!' mooed Bertha. 'But she's run out of wool,' said Norma, 'so I was wondering?' 'I thought that might be why you were here,' replied Bertha. 'Well, if needs must!'  And without taking her eyes off the Pickled Heifer she lent over so that Norma could pull the balls of wool off of her horn. 'Thanks,' said Norma. 'We can always shop for more once this is all over.' 'I think we should combine it with a hat buying trip,' replied Bertha. 'It would seem a shame not to,' replied Norma. 'How's Captain Geraldine getting on?' Geraldine turned towards Norma, waved her wings around, opened her beak and pointed at her stomac...

'OVERWEIGHT!' mooed Horace. 'You both are,' replied Lefty. 'We're going to have to work on it.' 'But!' said Horace. 'We can start with jogging,' continued Lefty, 'and then work up to using some weights.' 'Weights!' said Horace and Captain Bill. 'Mmm,' replied Lefty. 'Have to improvise a bit though. You've not really got the right right equipment.' 'Perhaps we could skip it all together then?' suggested Captain Bill. 'Can't,' replied Lefty. 'You see, as you're our prisoners, we're responsible for your welfare. If we don't get you fit you could sue us.' 'Maybe we could sign some sort of waiver?' said Horace. 'No, sorry,' replied Lefty. 'Now are you familiar with circuit training?' 'I did some biscuit training once,' said Horace. 'Does it involve laying down?' asked Captain Bill. 'Can't say it do...

'Which makes 17 across?' 'Rope!' sighed Horace. 'It is!' mooed Captain Bill. 'This is brilliant! I don't know why I didn't think of this before. It's sooooo much better than noughts and crosses.' 'But all the answers are the same.' 'So far!' replied Captain Bill. 'But we're only halfway through.' 'But it's your crossword,' said Horace. 'It's your crossword, in your magazine. You compiled it! You must know all the answers.' 'It was a while ago,' replied Captain Bill. 'There might be a surprise or two along the way. Now, 21 down...' 'It's rope!' said Horace. 'I've not even read the clue out yet!' exclaimed Captain Bill. '4 letters?' 'Rope!' muttered Horace. 'Rhymes with dope but with one of the letters replaced by an 'r'.' 'Rope!' said Horace. '..........................................

'I'm just not sure you can knit logs,' said Norma. 'That just shows your lack of commitment and imagination,' mooed Annie. 'If my memory serves me correctly you said the same thing about crocheted trains.' 'I concede you surprised me on that occasion,' replied Norma. 'Anyhoweverables,' continued Annie, 'if I don't succeed I shall turn it into something else...a hat or a chimney or some such.' 'Another log?' asked Norman. 'Many thanks!' replied Norma. And at that moment Captain Geraldine appeared, waved her wings around, looked at the boiler, counted the remaining logs, jumped up and down and then scampered back toward the bow. 'I get the feeling we're still not travelling fast enough for her,' said Norma. 'We're keeping pace with them,' called back Bertha, who was steering, 'but we need to catch up!' 'Another log?' asked Norman. 'Good idea!' re...

'Just a couple of games?' suggested Captain Bill. 'No thanks,' replied Horace. 'You could be noughts this time,' continued Captain Bill, 'I wouldn't mind.' 'No really,' replied Horace, 'I'm fine.' 'Soooooooooooooooooo, what are you writing?' 'It's a poem,' replied Horace. 'It's the same one that I was writing 10 minutes ago...when you last asked me.' 'Not finished it yet then?' asked Captain Bill. 'No!' replied Horace. '..................................................................................................Need any help?' 'I'm fine!' 'Sure?' 'Yes!' '...........................................What's it about?' 'The futility of the individual's struggle against inevitable death,' replied Horace. 'Right,' mooed Captain Bill. '...................................You don't ...

'Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!' mooed Annie. 'Indeed!' said Norma. 'One 'ad it built for his Kingshipfulness,' explained Queen Phoebe. 'One was going to call it 'King Otto, don't you just love him, well you'd better or it's dungeon time for you mate!' but it wouldn't all fit down one side.' 'It's a fine looking ship,' said Bertha. 'It cost squillions!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Which is partly why we had to scrap all the others.' 'How fast does it go?' asked Norma. 'One don't know,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'One couldn't afford to actually use it.' 'But we can use it now?' asked Bertha. 'Needs must,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'It's was fitted with all the very best...whatever they were. One couldn't have One's hubby driving around in anything less. It's got twin this and overhead that and sprung something else.' ...

'Har! Har! Har! Tiring of it slightly but still,' continued Flossie, 'what are we up to?' '8 knots,' replied Lefty. 'Har! Ha...Oh I can't be bothered...Tis a fine ship and no mistake!' 'I was thinking we could rename her 'Mint Sauce II'? suggested Lefty. 'Perfect!' said Flossie. 'Now, to other matters. Have the prisoners been thrown into the brig?' 'Well,' replied Lefty, 'couldn't throw them in, might have hurt them but I can confirm that the prisoners have been confined in a space that still allows access to light, water, regular meals, with choice of menu including a vegan option, adequate turning room and an organised program of recreation and exercise. I've skipped the bit about visiting rights because they can't have any seeing as we're at sea.' 'Right,' said Flossie. 'Good! Now, Dave, he seems to have a spoon?' 'Correct,' replied Lefty. 'Ba...

'We're very sorry your Queenship!' panted Norma. 'But we do need to move very quickly,' added Bertha. 'Well One thinks it's a blooming liberty!' exclaimed Queen Phoebe. 'Being carried about like this isn't at all dignified. One normally has properly trained flunkies to do this sort of thing and you haven't even had the kindness to explain what's going on!' Bertha stopped and put Queen Phoebe down. 'Pirate sheep!' said Norma. 'And they've taken our ship!' continued Bertha. 'And they're heading that way,' Norma finished and she pointed with her tail at the fast disappearing Pickled Heifer. 'Well why didn't you say so earlier!' said Queen Phoebe. 'There haint no time to lose! Onward!' And so Bertha picked up Queen Phoebe and they all stampeded off in pursuit of Norman, Annie and Geraldine. 'We shall hunt them down!' cried Queen Phoebe. 'They shall have ...

'Har! Har! Har!' bleated Flossie. 'Har! Har! Har! And several other stereotypical pirate type expressions.' 'Shiver me timbers?' suggested Lefty. 'Throw it in,' replied Flossie. 'Never a favourite but it can't hurt, but basically, getting past that, this ship is now ours and I'll keel haul anyone who says otherwise.' Lefty spoke quietly to Flossie. 'You sure?' asked Flossie. Lefty nodded. 'OK!' continued Flossie, 'If you insist! Har! Har! Har! Etc, etc. This ship is now ours and I'll speak quite strongly to anyone who says otherwise but only after an initial verbal warning, a second written warning and a full and open grievance procedure has been explored, with a union representative of your choice, if you should so request.' 'Thanks!' said Lefty. 'Takes all the fun out of it!' replied Flossie. 'Still,' said Lefty, 'keeps it legal.' Captain Bill gave Horac...