Cow Island

'Please Miss!' said Captain Bill, 'Cyril just threw a snowball at me!' 'Now look here,' replied Norma, 'just be quiet for a minute! This is a live broadcast!' So everyone went quiet for a minute. 'Right,' said Norma. 'Hello everyone, we're going to be off to King Otto's Grand Christmas Fancy Dress Party in a minute. But before we go we just wanted to say a great big Happy Christmas to all of you. Thanks to everyone who takes the time and trouble to come and read about our little adventures, without you we would be wandering about all on our own! We hope you all have a lovely time over the next few days, stay safe and don't eat and drink too much! With any luck we'll be back with you on Monday the 4th of January. Until then.............' And by then the minute was up...and everyone went Christmas crazy!

'I am not,' said Captain Bill, 'going to a party with someone dressed like that!' 'You're just picking on me because I've got wonky horns!' mooed Annie. 'No,' replied Captain Bill, 'I'm picking on you because you've got a Christmas tree balanced on your head!' 'Well I think it's a very commendable effort,' said Bertha, much to everyone's surprise. 'But it could fall on someone!' said Captain Bill, 'I can see the headline now, 'King killed by bizarre Christmas tree hat, see pages 2-573'. Just think what Queen Phoebe would have to say about that!' 'Oh, that's not going to happen!' said Norma, '...Annie can't move fast enough for it to fall over...and the presents we've sown onto her costume will help to weigh her down!' 'So you'll have to reserve the slow dance for her,' added Bertha. 'If you think....!' said Captain Bill. But he didn't bothe...

'I feel ridiculous!'said Captain Bill. 'Look,' replied Bertha,'as Cyril already has a Santa costume it makes sense for all of us to go as his Elves!' 'Well I just find the whole thing humiliating!' mooed Captain Bill. 'But it's a fancy dress party!' said Norma, 'you're supposed to go as something that you're not.' 'You could always go as a brave sea captain!' called out Cyril, but everybody ignored him. 'It's a nice costume anyway,' added Bertha, 'perhaps a little tight, but we can let them out a bit.' 'Then you'll look alllllll Christmassy!' said Norma with a big smile. Captain Bill looked at Norma. 'Have you been drinking?' he asked. 'I may have had a small clover brandy,' replied Norma,'just to keep the cold out!' Captain Bill sighed heavily. 'OK,' he said let's get on with it!' And with that he turned to walk away and immedi...

'Well I think it's all turned out rather nicely!' said Norma. 'Hmm!' said Captain Bill. 'Of course there's still time for a last minute bargain or two at the fair,' added Bertha. 'Actually, I've done all my shopping,' replied Captain Bill. 'All I want now is a nice gentle move towards Christmas itself without any more hustle and bustle....or excitement....or parties......especially not loud parties...there's going to be a party isn't there!' 'It's King Otto's Grand Christmas Party!' said Norma,'we have to go!' 'Queen Phoebe said it was up to each person to decide for themselves if they wanted to go...or would prefer to sit in a dungeon instead!' said Bertha. And for a brief moment Captain Bill considered which one he would prefer. 'OK!' he said at last, 'party time it is...I suppose I'll have to just put up with it...just as long as it's not fancy dress!' 'It's fa...

CHRISTMAS So I took a walk On a winter's night Through the snow That fell all around But I felt no cold For I wrapped myself In the warmth Of your sweet smile And I passed many places With families inside And their laughter I dimly recall But I felt not alone For I walked at the side Of the love That I felt for you Christmas can be a very sad thing As many a person shall know But I'll be not alone All the time that I know That I've you and your love In my heart Thank you Horace

'Ooooooh! I hate it when he does that!' moaned Captain Bill. 'I think it's rather sweet,' replied Norma. 'If he thinks he can do what he likes during the rest of the year and then make up for it by buying up loads of presents and giving them out to small children....!' '....then he's a very good judge of my character at least!' said Norma. So for a while Captain Bill and Norma stood and watched as Santa Cyril gave out presents to anyone who wanted them. 'Are we sure it's not just a tax dodge?' asked Captain Bill. 'Positive!' replied Norma,'Cyril doesn't dodge tax, he stampedes straight through it. He's only used the money that Annie and Geraldine made from their busking and I've got a very strong feeling that both of them knew exactly what they were doing!' 'Makes a change!' said Captain Bill. 'And Queen Phoebe's happy because she thinks that she can get the press to run a little article and...

'Well they've not actually arrested them!' said Norma and Captain Bill just looked up into the sky. 'Free the oppressed!' mooed Annie. 'You are free!' replied Captain Bill. 'Oh! That was quick!' said Annie,'would you like a song?' But Captain Bill said he wouldn't. 'I think it's just that Queen Phoebe's not too keen on buskers,' continued Norma, 'she worries about how the press will respond!' 'We'd just got to the second verse of 'Good King Wensleydale' when the rozzers collared us!' said Annie,'...and they had pointy sticks!' she added. 'Of course it wasn't Annie and Geraldine's idea!' said Norma. 'CYRIL!' mooed Captain Bill. 'So I was just wondering if you could lend a hoof for 10 minute to try to help me find him?' asked Norma,'I've looked in most of the obvious places already!' And Captain Bill said he would, so he and Norma, closely follow...

Morning all, Bertha here! First of all are you wrapping up warm? Hats, scarves and hoof mittens, that's the order of the day! Now it's very easy to get carried away when you're doing your Christmas shopping, so it's vital that you make a list...and then stick to it! Some people (Norma) tend to start out being quite sensible about things and then get caught up in a veritable blizzard of buying! I write down all the names of the people that I have to buy for and then think of 3 presents for each person. 1 sensible present, 1 silly present and then a little extra prezzie because I like to do that sort of thing. But do remember not to go spending more than you can afford, that won't do at all! Of course the next thing to do is wrap them up. This needs to be done with good quality paper and little bits of ribbon. Make sure that you make sharp creases in your paper and don't skimp on the sticky tape. Then add a tag and you're done! Right, I've just got a few m...

'Yes,' said Norma,'but are you really sure you need one?' 'Everyone needs a cheese grater!' replied Annie,'I even got a miniature one for Geraldine.' 'Wonderful!' said Norma. 'And it's good quality one,' continued Annie,'it's even got a little hole in it so you don't lose your cheese once it's been grated! Our agent has said that we could offer to grate peoples Christmas cheeses for them and attract there attention by pinging the grating wires.' 'Right,' said Norma,'and your agent would be Cyril?' 'Mr Cyril!' corrected Annie,'he says if we're good at it he might arrange a world wide stadium grating tour for early next year, grating to crowds of up to 15 people at a time....this could be our ticket to fame and grated cheese.' 'Hmmm,' said Norma,'I've just got to nip off for a last couple of presents and then maybe I'll try to find Mr Cyril and have a qu...

'Hello!' said Norma. 'Oh, hello!' replied Captain Bill. 'Have you found anything yet?' asked Norma, who seemed to be carrying a VERY large satchel. 'Not really,' replied Captain Bill,'you know there isn't a single stall selling Christmas rope!' 'That's a shame,' said Norma, 'but I thought the idea was really about buying Christmas presents for the others. I've managed to pick up a couple of bits so far. I got little note book for Horace and some soap for Annie in the shape of a string quartet!' 'Excellent!' said Captain Bill. 'So have you got anything yet for Bertha?' asked Norma and Captain Bill looked particularly troubled. 'There was a chisel sharpening set a couple of stalls back,' he replied. 'That's not very feminine,' said Norma. 'Well she does sculpture!' replied Captain Bill,'they'd be useful! Anyway, what do you buy the woman who criticises everything?' ...

'Is it open yet?' asked Annie. 'Not quite,' said Norma. 'Now?' asked Annie. 'Nearly,' said Norma. 'Now?' asked Annie. And Norma was just about to reply when Queen Phoebe got to her feet and spoke. 'Right, are we all 'ere?' she asked. And everyone who was there said they were. 'Jolly good!' said Queen Phoebe with a smile. 'Now we are 'ere so my hubbie, King Otto, this is 'im, aint he lovely, retorical question...so my hubbie can open up the KING OTTO, just needed to emphasis that point, Grand Christmas Handmade Don't Forget To Leave Him A Prezzie Type Fair. You are of course, free to have a shufti and part yourselves from the folding and if anyone asks what you think of it, say nice things because you never know if it's the press what you're talking to and they'll take any opportunity to tuck us up like a kipper, right get on with it!' And without waiting for King Otto to cut the ribbon, Queen Ph...

You've missed him! (no you have), He's back with a Yo Ho Ho! Iiittttttttttt'ssssssssss CYRILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!! Morning my little chumlettes, Tis the season to be full of Christmas Pud! Have you missed me? Silly question! You'll note I've notched up on the handsomeness...and it's all just for you! Now, as you're no doubt aware, even a most succesful product can sometimes do with a bit of rebranding. So I'd like to be the first to invite you to 'Cyril's Christmas Fair'! Come along, buy, sell, just leave some money or a cake, you're all welcome! To save confusion, best to deal with yours truly only. You'll find me around the back of the castle and possibly down the sides at the same time, I tend to get around a bit...actually I tend to get a bit rounder with every passing day! Take care and remember, if you can't get here you can always put a prezzie in the post, there's still time! Your Pal Cyril

Morning all, your Captain speaking. I think it's reasonable to suggest that I'm not quite my usual sunny, positive self. I like a traditional Christmas. At home! You know the sort of thing, waking up early, snow on the ground, presents around the tree, a log fire, a glass of vintage grass port......trying to find half a mince pie that Cyril hasn't eaten! Arguing with Bertha..... Trying to get Annie out the tree.... More arguing with Bertha... Fighting to get the bottle back off of Norma... Bertha etc, etc........ Horace's Christmas Poem (actually quite good) Ber...Oh, you've got the picture.... Maybe Christmas at King Otto's isn't such a bad idea! It was far too late to get the veggies on anyway! Captain Bill

Right here we are, testing, testing, Queen Phoebe with you! Now I am talking down to you today because my hubbie, King Otto, don't you just love him! He's decided to put his name to a totally spiffing Grand Christmas Fair (all proceeds straight into his sky, it's only right). But, it's come to my attention that there's still a few pitches left and we need 'em filled. Sooooooo, at the suggestion of my new and very temporary business partner, Count Cyril of Offshorebankingltd, I am putting out this carefully worded but slightly threatening message, to say get yourselves down here pronto! It'll all be very nice, you'll sell lots of stuff (I'd prefer it if it was pretty jewelry and such like, but frankly it can be mashed frogs as long as you ante up with the folding). So it starts on Friday, grand opening and all that....see you there... Thank you Queen Phoebe (a smile, a crown and a dungeon)

'Well it's too late now anyway,' said Bertha,'I've said we will!' 'But you had no right to do that!' mooed Captain Bill,'....you know I like to be at home at Christmas!' 'Oh, I don't think it'll hurt for 1 year,' said Norma,'and I do think that Queen Phoebe was feeling a bit guilty about all the trouble that she put us to.' Captain Bill stared at Norma. 'Well as close as she gets to feeling guilty!' added Norma. 'And it'll be nice to be around some other people who actually enjoy Christmas,' said Bertha. 'I enjoy it!' replied Captain Bill,'perhaps not in an outward showy way, but I'm happy on the inside!' And Bertha and Norma said nothing. 'Anyway,' continued Captain Bill,'I can't see that it'll be any different being here!' 'But there's going to be a party!' said Norma. 'And before that there's a Christmas fair opening at the weekend!'...

'No,no,no,no,no!' exclaimed Queen Phoebe,'how many more times? His little Kingshipfulness won't tolerate a silver bauble next to red bauble!' 'Sorry!' said Norman. 'Honestly,' continued Queen Phoebe,'sometimes One thinks it would have been quicker to have shoved a small child up a ladder!. Only they h'aint never any good with the bit at the top, which is why 'is Regalness insists on you and your trunk!' And at that point Norman muttered something about elephants and trunks, but everybody ignored him. 'You know,' said Captain Bill who was standing a little way off, 'I think I may be losing the will to live!' 'Oh! That's not nice!' replied Norma. 'But,' said Captain Bill,'I was bounced down a cliff for this, bounced down a cliff, disguised as an elephant, embroiled in a cake theft and then dangled back over the same cliff by the thread of a knitted compass...and all so that they get to have their ...

'Of course,' puffed Captain Bill,'this is very much as I expected!' 'What,' replied Bertha,'that after less than 1 week at sea and with us being down to our last 178 fruit cakes, I would spot King Otto's Island and that as soon as we landed, we would be waved through customs and be given an armed escort through crowd lined fields to an audience with Queen Phoebe who is desperately awaiting our arrival and Norman's in particular?' 'Well perhaps not in that much detail,' conceded Captain Bill,'...but it was obvious that time was of the essence!' 'Is that why you decided to take such a direct route into the harbour?' asked Norma, who was just behind Captain Bill and Bertha. 'Errrrrrmmmmm, possibly?' replied Captain Bill,' I do think it would be best not to mention that to anyone though and I could have sworn that's where the entrance used to be!' And with that the Cows and Norman and Geraldine, who was bei...

'It's incredible!' said Captain Bill. 'SORRY?' said Norma. 'I SAID IT'S INCREDIBLE!' mooed Captain Bill,'YOU CAN HEAR IT RIGHT THROUGH THE SHIP!' 'YES!' replied Norma, 'BUT LUCKILY AT THE MOMENT IT COMes and goes.' 'Oh that's better!' said Captain Bill. 'Where is he anyway?' 'I've put him in the aft hold,' said Norma. 'But that's at the OTHER END!' said Captain. Bill. 'I KNOW!' replied Norma, 'I THINK THAT THE SHIPS TIMBERS HELP TO CArry the sound. I thought it might happen but I never dreamed it would be this bad.' 'And presumably it'll only get worse as time goes on?' asked Captain Bill. 'YeS!' said Norma, 'HE'S JUST NOT USED TO ONLY HAVING 37 MEALS A DAY! WE REALLY DO NEED TO FIND LAND VERY QUICKLY!' 'LAND AHOY!' called down Bertha. 'OH, I DO like it when that sort of things happens,' said Norma. So Captain Bill ordered t...

Morning everybody, Bertha here, have you brushed your horns yet today? Now as you may be aware our glorious leader is having a bit of a panic..so nothing new there then! Just because we might have to cut back on the nibbles for a day or two. By the way, the latest news from Norma is that we're going straight from 3rd dinner to 4th evening nibbles. Now I can't help feeling that if we were to combine all of this with a bit of jogging around the deck, we'd all be much the better for it. So Captain Bill has asked me to keep a lookout for any little islands where we might be able to get some supplies. Is that one over there? Hmmmm, no! I don't like the look of it...best sail on. And what about that one on the horizon? Maybe not...I just don't like the shape of it. Oh dear, this could take forever. Have fun! Bertha

'What,' asked Captain Bill,'is that?' 'It's a cake!' replied Norma. Captain Bill peered very closely at it. 'Wellllllllllll possibly!' he said,'who's it for?' 'It's yours,' replied Norma. 'Why?' asked Captain Bill. 'It's for your 11th mid morning, pre lunch snackette,' replied Norma,'I've had to make it a bit smaller than normal.' 'So I see!' said Captain Bill. 'It's because of Norman,' said Norma,'it's very nice having him aboard but he does seem to eat rather a lot.......and I've had to cancel 3rd afternoon tea as well.' Captain Bill looked at Norma. 'But that means there'll be nothing between 2nd afternoon tea and 1st pre dinner nibbles! That's a whole 45 minutes!' he exclaimed. 'Sorry,' replied Norma,'it's just I've already used up most of the baking supplies. Don't forget we've been at sea for 4 days now. I may ...