Cow Island

'So have we passed then?' asked Captain Bill. Admiral Cholmondley Waldegrave St Clair looked slowly down the list that he was holding. There were a surprising number of ticks. 'Hmmm, he said,'your ship is without doubt the strangest vessel I've ever been on!' 'Ta!' said Captain Bill. 'Not a complement!' replied the Admiral. 'Oh!' said Captain Bill. 'Still,' continued the Admiral,'by and large, with just a couple of exceptions, the crew did rather well!' 'It's firm leadership that does it,' suggested Captain Bill. And Norma looked up to the sky. 'So,' said the Admiral,'at the end of the day, rather reluctantly, I have to say...' But at that moment the lieutenant nudged the Admiral and handed him a 2nd piece of paper. 'Ah yes!' said the Admiral,'almost forgot! The theory test!' 'Theory test?' asked Captain Bill. 'Just one question,' repl...

The Pickled Heifer lurched, jumped, bounced and weaved its way towards the entrance of Cow Island's harbour. Up on the aft deck a small group of concerned individuals waited to find out what the outcome would be. 'It's no good,'said Horace,'I can't open my eyes!' 'Oh! Pull yourself together man!' mooed Bertha,'he'll almost certainly make a mess off it.' And the ship moved closer. 'Well at least Geraldine got him standing on this side of the wheel,'said Norma,'so he can see where the ship's going.' 'Did they notice her?' asked Horace. 'No, I don't think so' replied Norma,'there was still quite a bit of tree for her to hide under,' and Norma gave Geraldine a pat on the head as a thank you. And the ship moved closer. 'Where are the others?' asked Norma,'they should be here to show support for Captain Bill.' 'Cyril's making himself a 17th breakfast,' repl...

'Right,' said Captain Bill,'I've had a quick chat with Norma about parking...' 'Docking!' corrected Admiral Cholmondley Waldegrave St Clair. 'Docking,' agreed Captain Bill,'docking the Pickled Heifer and the good news is she's raring to go!' The Admiral looked at Captain Bill. 'I don't think this is a job for Norma,' he said. 'OK!' replied Captain Bill,'I can see where you're going on this, possibly time to give Horace a go. I've been considering that myself.' 'Or Horace!' said the Admiral. 'Bertha?' asked Captain Bill,'it would mean changing people around a bit, never good for a crew that sort of thing.' 'Or Bertha!' said the Admiral. 'Cyril? Annie? Actually I think Geraldine's done it before!' mooed Captain Bill. 'You're the Captain,' replied the Admiral,'you're supposed to be able to do anything the crew can do....you can st...

'And so,'began Captain Bill,'as you can see, following on from my tip top command captainy decision the ship has executed an almost perfect figure of eighty three and a half!' 'Eighty three and a half?' questioned Admiral Cholmondley Waldgrave St Clair. 'Yes,' replied captain Bill and here he leaned towards to the Admiral and slightly lowered his voice. 'To tell you the truth the half was a bit of a mistake, only young Geraldine thought we'd finished and decided to do a little dance without realising that Norma was still following her flag signals. Still,' he continued raising his voice back to it's normal level,'no harm done, ship still on the correct side of the watery bit! So is that it then? All finished? Time to go home?' 'Almost,' replied the Admiral. 'Almost?' said Captain Bill. 'Well,' said the Admiral,'the original complaint was about damaging a harbour wall. So now you've fini...

Hello everyone, one of these days we'll get a chance to have a chat when I'm not trying to do 6 others things at the same time. Now the good news is that so far we've managed to get the ship moving and everything is going well. Bertha says there are no other ships around and Horace and Cyril are doing a great job with the sails. Geraldine and I are also making a great team, she's really a very clever little penguin. I also think that Captain Bill did a grand job yesterday. Sometimes I think he knows more about sailing than he thinks he does. Right best get on, we've worked out a bit of a course that we can follow to impress the inspectors, so lets hope it's works! Hugs to you all! Norma

'Well look thanks for coming,' said Captain Bill,'and do feel free to drop in again any time you're passing.' Admiral Cholmondley Waldegrave St Clair looked at Captain Bill. 'For the last time,' he said,'we've not finished yet!' 'Right,' replied Captain Bill,'what'll it be then? Another slice of cake, a little more tea? I think there's still a drop left in the pot.' The Admiral stepped towards Captain Bill and poked with a pokey finger. 'We've been here forever,' he began,' we've actually been aboard for over a week! We've had tea and cake and been treated to a display such as I've never seen in all my days AND WE'VE STILL NOT ACTUALLY SEEN THE SHIP MOVE!' 'OK!' squeaked Captain Bill,'no need to get upset. I'm not sure why we've not gone anywhere yet. I don't like to criticise Norma but...' 'IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH NORMA! THE WOMAN...

'And then Captain Eyepatch shouted at me!' mooed Annie,'but I don't see how it can be my fault if they put the sea that close to Mr Pickled Heifer.' 'Would you like me to sit on him?' enquired Cyril,'I'd be quite happy to!' 'Oh no!' replied Annie,'I was more worried about him, because sometimes when people shout too loudly their heads fall off!' 'Is that so?' said Cyril. 'I think so,' replied Annie,'although it is possible that was just something that happened in a dream. ' 'Most of my dreams seem to be about food,' said Cyril. 'They're the best ones,' said Annie,'I may have to get you to lend me some.' 'And talking about such things,' said Cyril,'more tea?' 'Is there cake as well?' asked Annie. 'Indeed,' replied Cyril,'there's still a bit of very late 13th breakfast sponge or a brand new quite early morning light fruit cake....

'There!' mooed Captain Bill,'there did you see that?' 'Not really!' replied Admiral Cholmondley Waldegrave St Clair. 'Well hang on then,' said Captain Bill,'I'll get Norma to throw her back in. You don't get to see a rescue like that every day! Well at least YOU don't' 'Throw her back in again?' exclaimed the Admiral. 'She won't mind,' said Captain Bill,'honestly, she's used to it!' 'But why does she keep falling in?' asked the Admiral who had moved to the side of Captain Bill to get a better look at Annie being hauled up the side of the ship. 'Search me!' replied Captain Bill,'let's be honest, between you and me, there's one in every crew. Although a quick look through my lot and I can't help feeling that there's a couple of captains out there who've got away with having none at all! 'But can't you do something about her?' said the Admiral. 'To be...

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo* It's me! There are lots of people onboard wearing hats....I like a hat, you can keep things in it. Most people keep their heads in one but you could use it to store other things like your ironing or a big statue. Now you'll notice that I'm de-cotton wooled. Norma (my best friend) said that I if I did then I could spend some time just laying in my hammock and knitting..I like knitting as well. Maybe I should knit another hat? Anyway Norma said I can stay here for as long as I like while the hat people are here....and there was something else..what was it? Oh yes! I should try not to fall overboard. I was to try to make a real effort not to fall overboard...by staying in my hammock and not going near the edge of the ship...'nowhere near the edge of Mr Ship' she said because Captain Eyepatch wouldn't be very happy if I fell overboard. So I'm just laying here........oooooooooooooh! That's a bit odd! How did I get that close...

Afternoon all, sorry this is a bit later than usual but it's been all hooves to the....whatever those things are? The fact is these Navy people have been going over the ship with a fine horn comb. The good news is it seems to going well! There's been a couple of times when the Admiral has said that he's never seen anything like it in all his life! And he had to sit down once! If it goes on like this I'm sure we'll pass with flying colours. Of course this is very much as I expected. Right, better get back....enjoy what's left of the weekend. Captain Bill

'But, but poor little.....?' 'NORMA!' called out Norma. 'Poor little Norma can't possible see where we're going!' said Admiral Cholmondley Waldegrave St Clair. 'Sorry were you talking to me?' asked Captain Bill. 'Well of course I was talking to you!' replied the Admiral. 'Oh, she'll be OK!' said Captain Bill,'I've arranged for the installation of a temporary remote navigation aid.' 'But that's just the Penguin with a couple of flags!' exclaimed the Admiral. 'She's very good with them,' mooed Captain Bill,'she's done it before! Anyway, we've done the tour, I imagine you've seen enough, shall we go back ashore?' 'We've only been aboard for half an hour!' replied the Admiral. 'And if I might point out,' said Captain Bill with a flourish,'we've not sunk once!' 'Perhaps,' suggested the Admiral 'that's because we're not going ...

Hello all, do make yourselves comfortable. I just thought you might like a little time away from everything that's going on on deck. So welcome to my new home. I'm sure we'll get it looking a bit better when time allows, but for the moment, rough and ready is the order of the day! Although I have added a couple of pots of spring flowers to brighten the place up a bit and they save me having to pop back down for a snack! As you'll also see I've taken the top out of the mast. That's more for safety reasons as I couldn't see anything! Which sort of defeated the object of being up here! Anyway, I hope that things are good where you are. Do remember to sit up straight when you're working and at some point during the day make a little time for yourself! Bye Bertha

Admiral Cholmondley Waldegrave St Clair stood open mouthed. For quite a while! 'But,' he said at last,'but the mast appears to be just some sort of tree!' 'Of course it is!' replied Captain Bill,'I mean think of the advantages!' 'It's very good for the environment!' said Norma. 'And if the crews hungry and let's face it with Cyril on board that's always going to be true, well then there's something to nibble,' replied Captain Bill. 'And if you're sailing at Christmas, throw up a few lights and ta da!' added Norma with a smile. 'And the sail,' continued the Admiral,'....it's a knitted jumper!' Annie herded forward until she was just in front of the Admiral. 'The Shrimps made it!' she mooed and then herded back to where she had been standing before. 'So if you want a bit more sail you just put out an arm,' said Norma. 'Very useful if you're turning!' added Captain B...

'Well don't mind if I do!' muttered Admiral Cholmondley Waldegrave St Clair. 'In or out? asked Cyril. 'In for me!' replied the Admiral and Cyril checked with everyone in turn and made them either 'in' or 'out' depending on what the person asked for. 'Well I must say,' added the Admiral,'very civilised, very civilised indeed and you actually have a whole day devoted to it. A very pleasant surprise!' 'You can say that again! said Captain Bill. So for a while everybody stood happily drinking. 'Another?' asked Cyril and everybody said they would. 'Excellent!' mooed Captain Bill. 'And then afterwards we really must get around to seeing your ship,' said the Admiral. And Captain Bill asked Cyril if he had a pint glass.

Hello everyone...sorry I'm in a rush again....I thought you'd like an update on how things are going! The new mast is up...it's OK'ish, but then we realised that the sails had shrunk as well! The good thing is that Annie thinks she can get something sorted out by way of a replacement...it probably won't be ideal but needs must! So I've left Bertha doing things on the ship and I've asked Cyril to go and take over from Horace and keep the Inspectors occupied....I've said it's alright for him to do whatever he thinks is best........they may not have been the brightest of ideas either! Hey ho! Right, better keep things moving....did you all have nice weekends? Norma

'Wonderful, wonderful!' said Captain Bill,'I have to say that bit about being on the High Sea really made me feel like I...was....on......the High Sea.....anyway perhaps we should hear it again...just to be sure?' 'But we've already listened to it twice!' replied Admiral Cholmondley Waldegrave St Clair,'I mean it's alright if you like that sort of thing...preferred the Penguin myself but there you go, can't be helped!' 'Perhaps a different poem?' suggested Captain Bill. 'But why?' asked the Admiral with a puzzled look on his face. 'Oh,' replied Captain Bill,'I don't think you can underestimate the role of poetry in a modern navy. I've lost count of the number of times we've been in a tricky situation and if it hadn't been for a good emergency poem and of course it's a great comfort to the crew if they've sunk....which of course has never happened...well not recently.' The Admiral drew a ...

Hello.....sorry, can't stop....in a bit of a hurry...well, maybe for a moment! Hang on let me catch my breath! Right, I'm just nipping over to see how things are going with putting up the new mast. I've left Geraldine doing a demonstration of knot tying. Hopefully she can keep them entertained for a while. With a bit of luck they won't need to talk to Captain Bill but it's a risk I've got to take! And I've had an idea for something for tomorrow as well. OK, better get on, sorry it was so short. Hugs to all, Norma

'So,'continued Captain Bill,'Norma said to me, do you think we should call it off? But I said that it was essential that we moved ahead with the testing of the Mark VII Water Impact Survival Device, which was why we were pulling Annie out of the dockyard when you arrived!' Admiral Cholmondley Waldegrave St Clair drew in a very long breath. 'Yesssssssssssssssssssssss!' he said at last,'interesting...and the Penguin?' 'Geraldine,' said Norma. 'Top sailor,' added Captain Bill,'excellent in the water, good with fish, always handy that if you're a bit lost and in need of directions and of course if you sink...' But at that moment one of Norma's horns seemed to catch on Captain Bill's tail and he never completed the sentence. 'Hmmm,' said the Admiral and he indicated to the Lieutenant that a note should be made. Anyway,' he continued,'about our visit...' And Captain Bill turned a little pale.

'Ow!' said Horace,'Ow! Ow! Ow!' 'CYRIL!' mooed Bertha. And for a while the little group herded along in silence. Until finally they arrived at the group of very tall trees. 'What about that one?' suggested Cyril. 'Not tall enough,' replied Bertha,'but that one over there will do. I'll go first!' And Bertha took the axe from Cyril and tried a few swings. 'Erm!' coughed Cyril,'aren't you forgetting something?' 'I am NOT doing that!' replied Bertha. 'But you promised,' said Cyril very seriously. 'And we promised Annie that we'd make sure you kept your promise,' added Horace. Bertha sighed and then turned towards the tree. 'Dear Mr Tree,' she began,'do you mind if we chop you down and use you to help mend Mr Pickled Heifer? No? Right, on we go!' 'Hang on!' said Cyril and he turned towards Horace,'did you hear something? I thought I heard something!' 'I thi...

'Is this all there is then?' asked Captain Bill. 'I told you before,' replied Norma,'the others have gone to find a new mast.' 'Er?' said Captain Bill 'The tall stick thing that holds the sail up,' replied Norma. 'Right,' said Captain Bill,'....and we have to have one of those?' 'We can't sail the ship without it!' mooed Norma. 'OK,' said Captain Bill. And for a while they stood in silence and watched the two men who were rowing towards them. 'Still,' said Captain Bill at last,'it's not much of a welcoming committee. The Captain's School Handbook clearly states that senior officers are to be piped ashore by a qualified individual using a bosun's whistle... and what do we have? A truly bizarre person wrapped in cotton wool strumming a banjo! I wouldn't be surprised if they took off half a point before they even get out the boat!' 'I heard that!' said Annie, who then herded...

Morning all, as you can see we're still a few planks short of a happy ship, but we're getting there. Now the Inspectors should be here by Monday so it'll be all hooves to....the mendy fixy stuff over the weekend. I'm quite sure that we can give a good account of ourselves. My training programme has gradually moulded the crew into a first rate team and of course as far as myself is concerned...well I don't think I need to say anything there! Actually it wouldn't surprise me to find that they want to offer a promotion or two. Right I'd better be getting on, I'm sure I'll need to be on hoof to give the occasional encouraging word or several. Enjoy your weekends. Captain Bill

'If, if you could just hold it up a bit at your end?' asked Norma and so Horace held the plank a bit higher and Norma put the first couple of nails in. 'Thank you,' she added,'now you were saying?' 'Yes,' said Horace,'well I thought if I found out where they lived and then kidnapped them...' 'KIDNAPPED THEM!' exclaimed Norma. 'Nails please!' 'Well borrowed them then,' replied Horace,'just for a short while and then...' 'Look,' interrupted Norma,'I know you get frustrated with not being able to find a publisher for your poetry but I don't think you can go around kidnapping people! Could you pass another plank up?' So Horace passed another plank up. 'But I'm sure they never actually bother to read it,' he said,'I mean it stands to reason that they don't because if they did they'd publish it and I thought that if you did some of those little cakes and we made it a bit like a...

'And so,' said Bertha,'we place a warped twisty plank on the ramp like this and then Cyril rolls down the ramp thus flattening and straightening the plank and then collects his reward, of one little cake, when he gets to the bottom. I got the idea from when he was skiing.' 'Interesting!' said Captain Bill,'but surely you've placed the cake too close to the end of the ramp, Cyril forward momentum will simply result in him rolling over that as well!' 'Well now,' replied Bertha,'that's where it gets really interesting. By varying the distance and angle of the cake to the ramp we can dramatically increase the difficulty rating.' 'Ahem!' interrupted Cyril,'if I might enquire as to the icing?' Bertha consulted her record sheet. 'This will be number 37, so that makes it lemon and ginger,' she replied. 'And the wind speed?' asked Cyril. '7mph, East and West,' said Bertha. 'In which case,' sa...

Hello everyone, Norma here. Well everything is now in full swing for Operation Try Not To Make A Mess Of It....I do think we need to put a bit more effort into these plan names but at the moment there just isn't time. Bertha is taking all the warped planks of wood off the ship and Captain Bill is arranging them into a neat pile. Bertha has got an idea about how to get them straight again...which for some reason involves me making lots of little cakes!?! More of that tomorrow. Cyril has nipped off to do 'something' not sure what though and Horace and Annie are down on the list to help me. To be honest I am a bit worried about her ladyship. The cotton wool is not a bad idea but she ends up with not being able to see where she's going! Right, well that's enough for me, I need to go and place my hooves on a nice big hammer. If you're passing and could spare an hour you'd be most welcome to come and join in. Take care Norma

'CAPTAIN INSPECTORS!' mooed Captain Bill. 'I'm afraid so,' replied Norma. 'But there's no such people!' 'Well there are according to this letter,' added Norma. 'It says here, "Following on from a recent complaint by an undisclosed royal personage..."' 'HA!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Undisclosed royal personage,' continued Norma,'regarding damage to their harbour wall..."' 'LIES!' shouted Captain Bill,'and anyway we'll take the bits back next time we visit...we always do!' '"We have been requested to review your Captainy status. We shall be arriving shortly....probably next Monday, about 10am, please put the kettle on." and then it's signed at the bottom and there's a picture of a sailor dancing the hornpipe, it's quite well done, you can even see his little legs moving.' 'That,' said Captain Bill,'is of no importance. Anyway let'em come...

Captain Bill took a couple of very long deep breaths. 'It's not that bad,' he said,'just a couple of loose and twisted planks.' 'You're just picking on me because....' mooed Annie, but Norma stopped her and explained that Captain Bill was talking about the Pickled Heifer. 'We warned you about getting it all covered in snow!' said Bertha,'then it must have sat inside the huge tower of highly dangerous wobbly water. It's no wonder it's got too damp!' 'Hmmm,' replied Captain Bill,'could be worse though, I mean it's not actually sunk.' 'Only because you ran it aground when we arrived!' exclaimed Bertha. And for a while nobody said anything at all. 'Well,' said Norma eventually,'I suppose we'd better get started on fixing it. We can probably re-use most of the bits.' 'True,' replied Captain Bill,'although I can't help thinking we'll need to get a new one of those tall ...