Cow Island

'...which was why it proved trickier than I imagined,' concluded Captain Bill. 'Right!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'And so to sum up,' continued Captain Bill, 'it clearly wasn't my fault.' 'OK!'  said Queen Phoebe. 'And it's also why,' pursued Captain Bill, 'in my opinion, all harbours would be better off having at least two exits...or maybe three...or four.' 'Perhaps I'll have a word with someone when I get back?' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Excellent idea!' said Captain Bill, 'and err.....the stones?' 'Keep them,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Most generous!' said Captain Bill. 'Not sure we've got much use for them though...perhaps Bertha could sculpt something with them? Incidentally it goes without saying that if Bertha had been doing her job as I asked her to none of this would have happened.' 'I HEARD THAT!' mooed Bertha. 'Although the main res...

'Port!' mooed Captain Bill, 'Port! Port! PORT!' 'But that is port!' shouted Horace. 'Is it?' asked Captain Bill. 'What month is it?' 'Does that make any difference?' asked Horace. 'Of course it does!' replied Captain Bill. 'Or does it? Where's Norma?' 'I think she's with Queen Phoebe?' 'Typical!' replied Captain Bill. 'Now.....slightly starboilarboilboard...bit more...bit more....noooowwwww steady.....steady....port! Port man! PORT! LEFT! RIGHT! UP! DOWN! LEFT!' 'But I don't think I can make it go up and down,' said Horace, 'not with the twirly whirly.' 'It's called a wheel!' mooed Captain Bill. 'I don't think I care,' replied Horace, 'I still can't make the ship go up...or down for that matter.' 'Always excuses!' called out Captain Bill. 'Ah! Wait! Wait! Port...no starboiliarboli...no port...no...no.....

Good morning everyone!  Now it's been a very long time since we had a chat but that's no excuse for allowing bad posture to creep in, so do sit up straight! How are you? Unlike some people I really am interested. Have you managed to do any studying? A course or two perhaps? Push the boundaries and never be afraid to fail! Now I'm reading the book on sculpture first, if I try knitting while my lovely captain is getting us underway I'll drop too many stitches. You might notice a few changes, I think the plants soften things up a little and the hat keeps the sun off as there's no shade at all up here. As for leaving the harbour, for those of you familiar with our escapades you might expect me to report that we've been going around in circles for the last few hours but interestingly I can report that we've also achieved several ovals, a square and a rhomboid! We've not actually hit anything as long as you don't include glancing blows and Ann...

'I've just popped down for a moment,' said Bertha, 'it's not as if we're even moving yet!' 'Well you shouldn't have!' replied Captain Bill, 'you're required to be at a constant state of high alert. What have you got with you anyway?' 'It's just a couple of books and some knitting,' explained Bertha. 'Fine!' replied Captain Bill, 'so when we're being boarded by hostile forces and I'm wondering why nobody saw them coming at least I'll know that it was in part because my lookout was trawling through the last couple of chapters of some cheap romance!' 'One's on the theory of sculpture and the other is on indexing problems in libraries,' said Bertha. 'Wonderful!' replied Captain Bill, 'well I shall be able to draw some small measure of comfort when pierced through with cutlasses that you weren't completely wasting your time...and the knitting?' 'Noth...

'The thing is,' said Captain Bill, 'it's a very tricky job and quite different from Queening. I mean there's hardly any waving involved...and there's maps, lots of maps and charts and bits of paper and you wouldn't believe the decisions you have to make, it's constant, you'd be bored by it, it's tiresome and...' 'But One wants to be Captain,' interrupted Queen Phoebe, 'One's even 'ad an 'at run up especially like.' 'If it were only as easy as putting a hat on,' replied Captain Bill, 'and there's years of study, exams, further exams, resitting exams...more resitting, pleading with the examiners...and don't forget the bare minimum requirement is that you need to be able to tell your port from your starboliarboliboard.' 'But I've got you to do that for me,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'HA!' called out Bertha from the cows nest. 'See!' mooed Captain Bill, '...

No!' mooed Captain Bill, 'No! No! No! No! No!' 'Is that to going to the pirate jamboree or to Queen Phoebe coming with us?' asked Norma. 'All of it!' replied Captain Bill. 'But we've already talked to you about going to the pirate jamboree and you agreed that we could!' 'I've changed my mind,' replied Captain Bill, 'it would be wrong of me, as your captain, to let you place your lives...and mine...in danger.' 'But we all want to go,' pointed out Norma, 'and we've all said so...and we've taken a vote...and signed a form...and then taken a 2nd vote.' 'But as it clearly needs pointing out,' replied Captain Bill, 'this is not a democracy! We have a leader and so these decisions are mine and mine alone.' 'But you voted to go as well,' said Norma. '..........................................................................................I misunderstood the questi...

'And so,' said Norma, 'as we always expected,' and here Norma crossed her hooves, 'Annie's idea has yielded the vital information that we were searching for.' 'One is most relieved to hear it!' replied Queen Phoebe. ''Which means we can  move confidently, 'and here Norma crossed another couple of hooves, 'into what we're calling 'phase finally getting on with it'.' 'About bloomin' time!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Indeed!' said Norma, 'and even as we speak a crack team, 'and here Norma tried to cross yet more hooves and came perilously close to falling over, 'are preparing the good ship Pickled Heifer for an intense period of voyaging to hostile shores to recover your Queeninesses's crown.' 'Yipp,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Now how long is it likely to take?' 'Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllll,' said Norma, 'I've...

'It's not actually addressed to anyone,' pointed out Captain Bill, 'it just says 'to whom it may concern'.' 'But the post haddock clearly gave it to you,' said Bertha. 'I was just closest,' replied Captain Bill. 'So are you going to open it?' asked Norma. 'I see no need to rush at it,' replied Captain Bill. 'You're always like this with letters,' continued Norma. 'If by that you mean that I take my time to consider things...then I'd happily agree,' replied Captain Bill. 'Well someone needs to open it!' mooed Bertha. So everyone stood and looked at the envelope. 'Well then?' asked Norma. 'It's not actually addressed to anyone,' repeated Captain Bill. 'Oh, give it here!' said Bertha and with the flick of her horn the envelope was open. From inside she drew out a single thick neatly typed piece of card. 'What does it say?' asked Norm...

'It is NOT a pirate costume!' continued Captain Bill. 'It is simply proper bathing attire.' 'That just happens to make you look like a pirate,' replied Bertha. 'It does a bit,' agreed Norma. 'I suspect it creates an air of sophistication that you two would find difficult to comprehend!' replied Captain Bill. 'Still makes you look like a pirate,' said Bertha. 'I shall ignore you,' replied Captain Bill. And he did. 'Sorry,' said Bertha after a while. 'Accepted,' replied Captain Bill. 'So...' continued Bertha, 'if I asked really nicely....would you....would you say 'yo ho ho'?' Captain Bill turned to Norma. 'Could you,' he asked, 'kindly inform your friend that I am one step away from abandoning this whole affair and that her contribution is not helping.' 'I will,' replied Norma, '.....................................although if you are...

'But it's a higher tariff,' explained Bertha, 'because it's quite a tricky dive.' 'Is this going to go on for much longer?' asked Captain Bill. 'Oh don't be such a spoil sport!' replied Norma. So Geraldine did her dive and everyone applauded. 'I have to say she looks very at home in the water,' added Norma. 'She's a penguin!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Of course she's going to look at home in the water! She's a penguin, it's where they live!' 'Just saying,' replied Norma. 'This is ridiculous!' continued Captain Bill. 'We've only been here for half an hour,' said Bertha. 'And for how long are we required to remain?' asked Captain Bill, 'or didn't Ms Nutter specify?' 'You're only saying that...' called out Annie but the rest of her words were drowned out by Geraldine taking another dive. 'It's almost as if she were ...

'Let me start,' began  Captain Bill, 'by pointing out that I already know the answer to this and am only asking so as to achieve maximum sarcastic impact, but just how much time have we spent on this 'think' business?' '.............................................a while,' replied Norma. 'Exactly?' asked Captain Bill. '.........................Not sure when we started really,' replied Norma. 'Hmmm,' said Captain Bill, 'and at the end of it, at the end of this long, long awful drawn out process...what are we left with?' 'She did risk her life for this,' pointed out Norma. 'I'm tempted to wonder if we got the right result?' mused Captain Bill. 'That's not nice,' mooed Norma, 'you're still her captain. You should be supportive even if it's not quite turned out as we expected.' 'Some people,' replied Captain Bill, 'are easier to support than others...

INSIDE ANNIE'S HEAD And in the space between those horns A universe of thought Ideas tumble piled, packed dense In dusty corners edge turned and tattered Brief notes on breakfast scraps Lay dormant Waiting Waiting And as time passes Further lost Beneath thunks fresh formed Cake thoughts, neatly knitted, iced And still more Crammed unsorted Lightly penguined Dancing Napping Never stopping Thunk on think On think on thunk And one around Yon elephant's trunk The mind on Annie Imagines

'But you're sure?' asked Norma. 'I mean really sure...completely sure, I mean really completely sure?' 'Yep!' replied Annie and she did a little dance. '.............................................You're sure?' asked Norma. Annie nodded her head so much that her bandage waved about in the most alarming fashion. '..................So you're...' YEP!' interrupted Annie and she did a slightly longer dance and Geraldine joined in. 'I've even examined it under a kaleidoscope.' 'You mean a microscope,' corrected Norma. 'No a kaleidoscope,' replied Annie, 'it is an idea after all!' Norma and Bertha exchanged nervous glances. 'People aren't going to like it,' said Bertha. 'I was a bit surprised myself,' replied Annie and here she did a very pretty dance and everyone joined in. 'Which may help to account for why it was such a difficult think to have.'...

'And this, this is what One's pinned One's 'opes on is it?' asked Queen Phoebe. Without taking her eyes off of the beakers passing in front of her Annie gently nodded her head. 'If this ever comes out in the press!' cried Queen Phoebe. 'Will they want a picture of me? asked Annie. 'Several I shouldn't wonder!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Concentrate!' mooed Bertha as she hurried past carrying a sealed flask. 'Should One ask what was in that?' enquired Queen Phoebe. 'An idea for turning clouds into bars of chocolate for just a fraction of the present cost,' replied Annie, 'apparently Norma and Bertha have decided that it's too dangerous to allow out into the world so they're going to bury it.' Queen Phoebe thought for a while. 'Would you be at all offended if I described you as the most bizarre person I've ever met?' she asked. 'I think it might be the nicest thing anyon...

'So it's vital we preserve the clean field environment,' added Norma, 'we can't risk contaminating things with even a single original thought.' 'Would you like me to leave then?' asked Captain Bill. 'No you're fine!' replied Norma. 'And how are things looking?' 'We're getting there,' replied Norma, 'of course I blame myself, in retrospect it was easy to anticipate what was going to happen. We were after one 'think' but Annie's head turned out to be full of them.' 'How many so far?' asked Captain Bill. 'Over three and a half thousand,' replied Norma. 'Which is why we've had to set up an initial assessment centre. As you'd expect most of them are about cake but there are some incredibly complex ideas in there as well.' 'Really?' said Captain Bill. 'There's one that we found early on that involves sea horses and elastic bands that could rev...

'I expect,' said Annie, 'they may be even wonkier from now on?' 'Nobody'll notice,' replied Cyril, 'and we can always hammer them back to where they were.' ''I wouldn't want them straight!' mooed Annie. 'I'm very proud of my wonky horns.' 'And so you should be,' replied Cyril. 'Is that your opinion as a fully qualified medical type person?' asked Annie. 'I think it must be!' replied Cyril. 'I'm very lucky having such a good chum who's a lawyer, financial adviser AND a top notch doctor,' mused Annie. 'It's all you deserve,' said Cyril. Annie thought for a while. 'Do you have certificates of medicalwellness?' she asked. 'Er? Must have!' replied Cyril, 'and if I don't I will have by tomorrow morning.' 'Only I could always draw some for you,' offered Annie, 'if you let me have my crayons and pencils.' ...

'Huge twenty ton block of granite in place?' 'Check!' mooed Norma. 'Wonky horned bovine in place?' 'Check!' mooed Norma. 'Penguin clutching a wall?' 'Check!' 'Wind speed below 5mph?' 'Check!' Ridiculousituationometer?' 'Off the scale!' agreed Norma. 'Ready to go then!' said Bertha. 'Just waiting for Cyril?' said Norma. 'Indeed!' replied Bertha. 'What's he doing now?' asked Norma. 'He's just fed Annie the last of the final trifle,' replied Bertha. 'Now he's licking the spoon...correction he's eaten the spoon!' 'Wouldn't have expected anything else,' said Norma. 'And now......aw! He does give a good hug when he wants to!'  'He's just a big softy really,' added Norma. 'He's clear!' said Bertha. 'We're green to go!' Norma and Bertha paused. 'Are we re...

'Another spoonful of trifle?' asked Norma. 'How many have I had so far?' 'Spoonfuls or trifles?' questioned Norma. 'Hmm,' said Annie, '...........trifles.' 'Thirty seven.' 'Probably enough,' replied Annie. 'I am slightly concerned that the extra weight could slow you down,' added Norma, 'and for obvious reasons you do need to be as nimble as possible.' 'True!' agreed Annie, 'but if I'm going to be splateriaterified I'd like the splat to look as pretty as possible.' Norma turned a little pale. 'Well hopefully it won't come to that.' she suggested. 'I'm going to try my best to aviod it,' replied Annie, 'and I feel a tad more confident now I've got my sticker on.' 'That's good,' said Norma. 'Now I've got to be off soon but Cyril's going to take over until the final moments and of course you still have Geraldine...

'Well I did say you'd be better off going 13, triple 17 and double top to finish,' said Queen Phoebe. 'You did!' replied Cyril. 'Why didn't I listen? I'm a fool to myself sometimes!'  'So that's me ahead 15 games to 3,' announced Queen Phoebe. 'I just never thought you'd be this good,' replied Cyril. 'It's what comes from 'aving so many archers,' explained Queen Phoebe, 'and  'is royal kingshipfulness, isn't he lovely, 'as always been partial to a game or two.' 'You live and learn,' replied Cyril. 'You do!' agreed Queen Phoebe. 'One never thought One would see the day when a castle wall would be half inched that's for sure.' 'If you don't nail it down!' replied Cyril. 'And people what is in bowler hats used to be so trustworthy,' continued Queen Phoebe. 'It's a lack of self discipline,' replied Cyril. 'If yo...

'Could be a coincidence,' mooed Norma. 'Have you actually read the article?' asked Captain Bill. 'Well......,' replied Norma. 'And in particular I'm referring to the 'twenty ton block of granite still missing' paragraph,' continued Captain Bill. 'I confess I hadn't got that far,' replied Norma. 'You possibly stopped at the 'very, very large person seen running from scene' section?' suggested Captain Bill. 'But the description!' replied Norma. 'Bowler hat!.....Moustache! That doesn't sound like Cyril and besides he's got a receipt for the block that he got us.' 'Writen in crayon!' said Captain Bill calmly, 'which also contains a drawing of Geraldine with the legend, 'I love pengimings' attached to it.' 'I'm sure Annie's innocent...ish,' replied Norma. 'When I get hold of him!' mooed Captain Bill. 'You'll what?'...

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (Summer 'o's are now ready to harvest and may be pickled for later use.) It's me! Annie! At least I think I'm Annie, I'm sure I've got it written down somewhere to confirm it. If I'm not I'm someone incredibly like her so let's just pretend that I am and get on with things. So how are you? I'm not really interested but Norma says it's polite to ask. According to the latest reports I'm about to be spattereriaterified. I was due to only be spatterified but I got a free upgrade and some extra cushions which my chum Geraldine is test snoozing. So how are you? I'm still not really interested but it's been a while since I asked. Cake or trifle? It's a difficult one! Anyhoweverables, should things go terribly wrong and all deadsville I would like to be remembered as someone who did things and wore some pretty spiffy stripey hoof mittens while she was...

'It's really all very straight forward ,' mooed Norma, 'or at least it seemed so when Annie first explained it.' 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'And the principal is sound enough.' 'Really?' 'Well no, not really,' replied Norma, 'but as no one had had a better idea we went along with it.' 'So?' asked Captain Bill. 'So,' replied Norma, 'Annie has got an idea about how we can find the pirate sheep but that idea is buried so deeply in her subconscious that she can't access it.' 'OK!' 'So...we're going to scare it out of her.' 'By dropping...' '...A twenty ton block of granite on her head,' confirmed Norma. 'Well you've already managed to scare me,' replied Captain Bill. 'Of course it won't really happen...hopefully.' '.....Fine!' replied Captain Bill. 'But the danger has to be for real,' continued No...

'I just thought it would be nice if you could say a few words. People have put a lot of effort into this!' said Norma. 'Hmm,' replied Captain Bill, 'I suppose you're right. There comes a time when only a few well chosen observations from a natural leader will suffice.' 'Thank you,' said Norma, 'although I'm not sure where Cyril is and Horace asked to be excused because he's had an idea for a poem...and Annie's having a nap.' 'Just you and Ms Shouty then?' said Captain Bill. 'Actually Bertha's carrying out some final checks...but Geraldine's here.' 'So I'm making a speech to you and Geraldine?' 'I'll give you my undivided!' mooed Norma. 'Might as well do it now then!' replied Captain Bill, 'hardly seems worth building the whole thing up if it's just the three of us.' 'I just thought you might like a tour first?' suggested Norma. 'So...

'Mime moing mup!' said Annie 'Moam mi!' mooed Horace. 'We need more weight on rope 16!' called out Bertha. 'I'll use Geraldine!' replied Norma. Norma quickly signalled across to the other side of the Think Thunk machine and Geraldine ran across as quickly as her little penguin legs would allow. 'A mengiming! A mengiming!' shouted Annie. 'Situation stabilising!' reported Bertha. 'Is Cyril alright on his own without Geraldine?' asked Norma. 'Seems to be,' replied Bertha, 'he's just tying off now.' And the 'you know what' moved higher. 'Not far to go now,' observed Norma. 'Just checking the vertical line,' replied Bertha, 'and then it's one more to go.' 'OK!' said Bertha. 'Cyril!' called out Norma. 'Rope 17 please! Cyril! Cyril put down the trifle! CYRIL! CYRIL STEP AWAY FROM THE TRIFLE NOW!' 'Too late!' said ...

'So I thought it would be quite expensive but then Lord Sir Cyril of Cheapdisguiseshire explained that because there was a Q an X and a Z in the month we didn't have to pay anything!' 'Really!' said Norma. 'Erm....how lucky for you!'  'I suppose we were just fortunate that it was the last day of Juqxzly,' replied Annie. 'And would I be correct in guessing that they threw in free delivery as well?' asked Norma. 'I was going to ask them about that,' replied Annie, 'but my chum said that the quarry pixies needed their sleep and so it would be best not to disturb them.' Norma looked at Annie and then rolled her eyes skyward. '.......So moving on,' she continued, 'as you can see the Mark 1 Think Thunk making machine is almost finished.' 'It's almost not quite exactly how I imagined it,' said Annie. 'That's good to hear,' replied Norma, 'and we've carried out some tr...

'So correct me if I'm wrong, which clearly I can't be, but when you said 'just give me the needles, any fool can knit,' were you perhaps a tad overconfident?' 'I still maintain,' replied Captain Bill, 'if you had given me the pattern the right way up!' 'So it is my fault!' mooed Bertha. 'I'm not saying it was deliberate,' replied Captain Bill. 'If I were you I'd be very careful what I was saying,' said Bertha. 'It's just that as a result of your...............slight error,' replied Captain Bill, 'I clearly ended up with my port needle in my starboliarboliboard hoof.' 'I'd hate to think where it might eventually end up!' said Bertha. 'And so,' continued Captain Bill, 'there may be one or two minor deviations from the intended objective for which I clearly cannot be held responsible.' Hmm,' pondered Bertha, 'well that could make two of us who ...