Cow Island

'I must say it's a very well organised quarry,' said Annie. 'It is indeed!' replied Cyril. 'The way they've stacked all the stones one on top of each other,' continued Annie, 'it makes it SOOOOOOO much easier to choose which one you want.' 'True, true,' replied Cyril, '.....try to keep your voice down.' 'Why?' asked Annie. 'It's late,' replied Cyril, 'the quarry pixies will be trying to sleep.' 'I hadn't thought of that!' whispered Annie, 'It makes you wonder why they have late night opening if that's the case.' 'I suppose they need the business?' replied Cyril. 'The cut and thrust world of granite quarrying has to be seen to be believed!' observed Annie. 'True again!' said Cyril 'And I find the dress code rather odd,' replied Annie. 'Took me by surprise,' agreed Cyril. 'I have to say I hardly knew it was you ...

'Tears, a river filled and sorrow a thousand valleys deep in the landscape of despair, the end...the end must come.' And with that Horace silently closed the book and placed it on the grass. 'Could I just point out?' began Norma. 'I KNOW!' said Queen Phoebe, 'I asked for him! It's my own fault!' 'And he does take it very seriously,' added Norma. 'Accepted!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'But One has to wonder if it would hurt all that much to just slip in the occasional knock knock joke?' 'Perhaps you could commission him?' suggested Norma. 'Another time,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Would you like another?' asked Horace, 'I could read a serious one if you're in the mood?' Queen Phoebe closed her eyes and Norma took the opportunity to mouth the words, 'Not now, thank you,' to Horace. So how's the Great Crown Rescue plan coming along?' asked Queen Phoebe after a whil...

'Well I agree in principal,' agreed Norma, 'but I think we also have to be practical about these things.' 'The thing is if you take him away now he'll never learn,' replied Bertha. 'I suspect he'll be able to live with it,' said Norma, 'and Queen Phoebe is a difficult person to say no to.' 'The problem is they never see knitting as an essential life skill,' added Bertha. 'I don't understand that either,' replied Norma, 'I suppose it's a man thing? Now about these pillars.' 'They still need to go in further,' said Bertha, 'and then I'll get started on building the base platform.' 'I'll try to find time to help you with that,' replied Norma, 'has Annie agreed to the overall height?' 'I asked her and she said Geraldine had checked her calculations.' 'We're so lucky to have Geraldine,' replied Norma. 'There can't be many pe...

'I said 4 small holes!' mooed Bertha. 'That is what I'm trying to do!' replied Horace. 'And they need to be square.' 'That's what I was aiming for!' 'Perhaps,' continued Bertha, 'but you'll have to unpick it.' 'Again?' said Horace desperately. 'Again!' replied Bertha. 'It's got to be right.' 'But I can't get it right!' pleaded Horace. 'Rubbish!' replied Bertha. 'It's just a question of practise.' 'But it's the ninth time!' sobbed Horace. 'So?' asked Bertha. 'Besides, it's character building.' 'I already have a character!' replied Horace. 'Which I am aware of, which is why I'm going easy on you,' said Bertha. 'Going easy on me?????'  'Norma asked me to,' replied Bertha. 'But it has to be right, Annie's life may depend upon it.' 'Could I have a break firs...

'Where as if you look closely you'll see that number 3 is ever so slightly more twisty than number 2 which is in itself ever so, ever so slightly more twisty than number 1 which is why it's use aboard ship is restricted to only those jobs which require a very high degree of twistyness,' concluded Captain Bill, '...........you'll have to look closely,' he reminded. Queen Phoebe glanced at the sample in question. 'So,' she asked, 'do you have all of this written down on the back of the board then?' 'Certainly not!' mooed Captain Bill. 'So...so you've actually learnt all this?' 'Indeed!' replied Captain Bill proudly. 'Right,' said Queen Phoebe. 'You can borrow them if you want to?' said Captain Bill. 'Not sure I could cope?' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Well have them for a couple of days and then I could always bring you some more,' suggested Captain Bill. 'You...

'But you've helped me enough times in the past,' said Norma. 'That was just holding the wool though!' replied Horace. 'But you must have picked up the gist of it?' said Norma, 'it's not really very difficult.' 'Not for you it isn't!' replied Horace, 'you've been doing it for years now.' 'You'll be fine,' reassured Norma, 'I know you will be...and it's nothing too complex.' 'I just don't think it's for me,' said Horace. Norma put down her clipboard and turned towards Horace. 'Look!' she said. 'I'm sorry but I really can't spare the time for this. Everyone's playing their part and I need you to play yours.' 'So what's Captain Bill doing?' asked Horace. 'He's got his work assigned,' replied Norma. 'You let me worry about what everyone else is doing.' 'But...' began Horace. 'Oh really!' s...

'Now Annie says she only needs one but I think we should have a back up?' 'Agreed,' replied Bertha, 'there's little enough margin for error as it is!' 'It'll mean a lot more work though,' added Norma. 'And it might be tricky to source such a large quantity of needles,' replied Bertha. 'That's where Cyril comes in,' panted Norma. 'Thought it would be!' replied Bertha, 'and I suppose it'll be best not to ask where he'll get them from?' 'In this instance I wasn't going to,' said Norma. 'And the knitting rota?' 'Already drawn up,' replied Norma, 'but we'll need all hooves on deck to get it completed.' 'And does Annie want it to rotate clockwise or counter clockwise?' 'She says it's not important as long as the wind speed is below 10mph,' replied Norma, 'it's the vertical drop speed that's important.' Bertha ...

'Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,' said Annie, 'tricky!' 'But you'd be willing to give it a go?' asked Norma. 'It'd be a challenge,' replied Annie. 'You've done as much before,' said Norma. 'It's been a long time though,' replied Annie, 'the thing in my head that I have thinks with might have completely stopped working for all I know.' 'We'd all be willing to do what we could to help,' said Norma, 'well, when I say 'all' I mean most of us.' 'I'm thinking Captain Eyepatch might be otherwise engaged?' speculated Annie. 'You see!' smiled Norma. 'You're thinking already!' 'True!' agreed Annie. 'But that was just a very small thunk, it may not have come from inside my head at all, it could easily have been just a tail think thunk.' 'But it's a good sign,' suggested Norma. 'KEEP LEFT!' mooed Anni...

'....and that's when I told her it was a meeting of the highest level,' concluded Norma. 'And we can't be sued over that?' queried Captain Bill. 'I mean legally there's no actual definition of 'highest level'?' 'But it is!' replied Norma. 'There's the 3 of us and a penguin!' said Captain Bill. 'It's the quality that counts,' mooed Norma. 'There's the 3 of us and a penguin!' repeated Captain Bill. 'Are you saying I'm not high quality?' asked Bertha. 'Shall we move on?' suggested Norma. 'We still have to deal with the basic problem. How do we track down Flossie and his hoard of despicable pirate henchsheep?' Captain Bill looked nervous. 'Define hoard?' he asked. 'I don't know,' replied Norma. '50 perhaps?' '50!!!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Roughly speaking,' replied Norma. 'And I bet rough would...

'So let me assure you that after a rather unexpected pause we're now completely back on the case,' said Norma. 'Well, One should bloomin' well 'ope so!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'One isn't at all 'appy, let me tell you!' 'We are very sorry,' continued Norma. 'It's not so much the hiding in the woods that hurts,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'but One hasn't had a good knees up for what seems like forever!' 'It must be difficult,' agreed Norma. 'It is!' moaned Queen Phoebe, 'and of course One misses One's hubbie, he's lovely, everybody says so, even the ones what isn't paid to!' 'I do hope you've still been able to see him?' asked Norma. 'Briefly,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'it was 'im what made my little substitute crown. Made it with his own hands he did and a royal personage isn't used to that sort of thing.' 'It's lovely,...

'....Boarding ships, swinging on ropes, duelling to the death,' replied Cyril, 'at least that's what it says on the posters.' 'No mention of cake then?' asked Annie. 'Or ice creams,' replied Cyril. 'I shall probably not become one then,' said Annie. 'Smart move!' said Cyril. 'By the way, have you seen the other ice creams? They still don't seem to have arrived!' 'I haven't seen anything for a while.' replied Annie. 'So you haven't!' said Cyril. 'I suppose it must be because the days are getting shorter now?' 'Possibly a factor,' agreed Cyril. But then he reached over and removed what was left of the inflatable ring from Annie's head. 'Oooooooh!' mooed Annie. 'Morning already!' 'Must be time for breakfasts then,' suggested Cyril. 'How many?' asked Annie. 'To tell the truth,' replied Cyril, 'those ice creams ha...

'But as health and safety courses go it was really interesting,' continued Lefty. 'Well glad I sent you on it then!' replied Flossie, 'and the posters?' 'Mostly about running with swords. I'm afraid they've tightened things up again!' At this moment Hooky tapped several times on the grass. 'Well,' replied Lefty, 'it now covers swords, daggers, forks including cake forks and skewers.' 'Doesn't leave a lot!' said Flossie dispiritedly. 'I had a word with mum,' replied Lefty, 'she's got some long handled spoons in a draw somewhere.' 'Not the same though is it!' said Flossie. 'Boarding an enemy vessel, swinging across on a rope with a long handled spoon clenched between your gnashers.' 'Ah!' said Lefty. 'Glad you mentioned that. Rope's out!' 'Out!' bleated Flossie. 'Out!' confirmed Lefty. 'From now on boarding can only be car...

'And of course the best thing about them is that they're not covered by any major employment laws.' 'Really?' mooed Annie, 'I never realised that fish could be so interesting! Thanks for the ice creams by the way,' she added. 'Pleasure!' replied Cyril, 'I don't know where the little man has got to with the others? He should have been here by now!' 'I always think that an ice cream isn't a proper ice cream unless you eat a dozen of them at a time.' remarked Annie. Depends,' replied Cyril, 'I suppose if you were in a hurry and didn't have much time to spare then a dozen might suffice.' 'Norma says too much ice cream is bad for you.' 'I suspect Norma's information is faulty,' replied Cyril, 'it often is.' 'But she's very kind,' added Annie. 'Mmmmm,' said Cyril. 'So shall we start looking for Queen Phoebe's legs?' 'Crown,' c...

'I wasn't!' said Captain Bill. 'WAS!' replied Bertha. 'Perhaps if we could move on?' suggested Norma. 'He was!' continued Bertha. 'Wasn't!' replied Captain Bill. Please!' pleaded Norma. Bertha and Captain Bill glowered at each other. 'Queen Phoebe's crown?' said Norma. 'We have promised to get it back.' 'OK!' agreed Bertha. 'Fine!' said Captain Bill. 'Soooooooooo,' smiled Norma, 'the question facing us is how do we track down a flock of utterly ruthless pirate sheep? Any thoughts?' Horace waved his pencil to attract Norma's attention. 'Yes?' asked Norma. 'Actually I've already started on an idea.' 'Wonderful!' mooed Norma. 'What is it?' Horace held up a piece of paper. 'It's a poem!' he said. '.....................Erm!........Well done!' replied Norma. 'I thought if I wrote a poem ...

'Well I really do think you aught to be there,' said Norma. 'I'm sure you'll manage without me,' replied Captain Bill. 'But everyone else in coming,' continued Norma, 'even Cyril!' 'Whoppee!'  'He wants to know if you'd like to buy a fridge?' 'Not at the moment thank you.' 'Anyway, we do need to discuss what we're going to do about helping Queen Phoebe,' added Norma. 'We already had a meeting about that last year,' remarked Captain Bill. 'IS HE COMING?' called out Bertha. 'Does she have to shout?' said Captain Bill. 'It's just her way,' replied Norma......'You're stuck again aren't you?' 'I am not stuck again!' replied Captain Bill. 'IS HE STUCK AGAIN?' called out Bertha. 'Why did you lay down in a hedge anyway?' asked Norma. 'It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time,' replied Cap...

You've missed him! You've wanted him! You know you've got to have him! The one...the only...he's back at last! IIIIIIIIIIITTTTT'SSSSSSSSSSS CYRILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! (A fly past, a band and a swoon) Ladies! And let's be honest one or two of you might still be! It's me! The love of your life! How are you? Long time no see. What can I say? Your hair! Don't think I haven't noticed! And you're even prettier! How do you manage it? I know what you're thinking Where has he been? What's he been up to? Tell us all! If only I could. Needless to say, hearts mended, cake eaten, I can still lay my hoof on one if you're interested and it'll only be a crime if we're caught! But mostly I've been thinking of you. I won't say what I've been thinking but we giggled a lot and were both very tired when we'd finished. So I'm back in your life and you're back in mine and there's a road ful...

'I have to say I think it's wonderful!' said Norma. 'Well you know me,' replied Bertha, 'I wasn't going to just sit around and let the time drift by.' 'It's sort of him but not him,' continued Norma. 'It's as if you've managed to capture the essential inner angst of the poet through a partially abstracted deconstruction of his individual character while still giving us an everyman figure.' 'You can see his bum from around here!' added Annie. 'And it's not your usual material is it?' asked Norma. 'This isn't stone!' 'It's papier mache,' replied Bertha. 'Interesting choice,' remarked Norma. 'I used the rejection letters from his publisher,' replied Bertha. 'He's been having them forwarded here. If you look closely you can still read bits of some of them.' Norma looked closely. 'So you can! They've spelt his name incorrectly on th...

'And then I stood over there and then I walked over there and then I walked over there and then I walked over there and then I...' 'Sorry,' interrupted Norma, 'my fault! When I said it might be nice if you told people about what you did during the last year I didn't mean that you needed to tell them everything.' Annie herded very close to Norma. Are you sure?' she asked. 'I fear you may be underestimating my fan base.' 'Still,' replied Norma, 'I suspect they could manage with an edited version.' 'But I haven't told them yet about the three months I spent married to a tree!' 'Also,' continued Norma, 'and here I realise that I may be asking you to take a step too far, I thought it could be interesting if you might restrict yourself to telling people just about the things that really took place rather than including the things that only happened inside your head?' Annie stared blankly back ...

Captain Bill shuddered...then vibrated...then shuddered a bit more...then vibrated a bit more...and then...simply...exploded. 'BUT HE CAN'T! he screamed. 'Well I'm pretty sure that's what he intends to do,' replied Norma. 'Hopeless!' shouted Captain Bill. 'Utterly, utterly, utterly hopeless! He abandons us for a year, not a word, not a mention and then we're back, just like that! No introduction! No explanation!' Norma nodded. 'But it's ridiculous!' continued Captain Bill. 'What are we supposed to have been doing for the last twelve months? Standing around in a field?' 'I have!' mooed Annie. 'Shut up!' replied Captain Bill. 'I wasn't asking you! And we'll have lost the audience you know that don't you! They'll have been long gone.' 'They might come back,' suggested Norma. 'Not if they've got any sense!' replied Captain Bill. 'I haven...