Cow Island

Captain Bill sat quietly by the river bank, the warm summer sun playing across his face, only his tail providing the gentlest of breezes. 'They've drawn it!' said Bertha as she rushed up to him. 'The semi final line up,' added Norma who was with her. 'And?' asked Captain Bill. 'We've been drawn against the 'Incredibly Fit Young Men's Rowing Club,' said Bertha. Captain Bill thought for a while. 'We'll have to do some research on them,' he said. 'Agreed,' replied Bertha. 'Of course,' added Norma. 'Best not to send Cyril again,' said Captain Bill, 'I'll go this time.' 'Yes...,' said Bertha. '....That's what we thought,' added Norma. '...At first,' continued Bertha, 'but then it occurred to us that, with them being so young, that they might feel intimidated by you.' And Captain Bill agreed that this might well be possible. 'So we thought, maybe we should g...

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (don't forget that fresh summer 'o's are now available in your local grocery store)! It's Annie here. I have to say that I'm really enjoying this regatta rowing up and down thing. As you may know, on Saturday we had a race against... somebody else, forget who? Well it went so well that the other team decided to stop for a swim half way through! I liked the idea of this but Norma (my best friend) said that I should stay in our boat so I did... and then we won!!! Frankly that's more excitment than most people could stand and I was a bit worried that my horns might fall off... but they didn't. Anyway we spent all of yesterday doing more rowing so that we get even better at it and so Bertha and Norma have decided that we can all have a day off. So Geraldine and I are going for a walk. Well I'm going for a walk and Geraldine is going for a carry. I think this is because she has short legs and big feet (bit of a design fault i...

'RIVER ANTELOPE?!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Freshwater river antelope,' corrected Cyril. 'Really?' said Captain Bill. 'Clear case,' replied Cyril, 'once you get an infestation of them in a boat anything can happen.' Captain Bill looked at Cyril and then herded a bit closer to him. 'And how exactly do they 'infest'?' he asked. 'They burrow,' replied a very straight faced Cyril. 'Burrow!' said Captain Bill, 'burrow!' 'Yep,' replied Cyril. Captain Bill moved a bit closer. 'And you're seriously suggesting that that's why the opposition's boat snapped clean in two halfway through the race?' 'Obvious,' replied Cyril. Captain Bill was now very close to Cyril. 'I could see the saw marks from here,' he hissed. 'Evolution,' replied Cyril. 'EVOLUTION!!' shouted Captain Bill. 'Mmm,' replied Cyril, 'what with the harsh reality of a daily struggle of lif...

'Well I did eat quite a few nibbles,' said Cyril , 'but only so that I blended in.' 'So you were successful?' asked Captain Bill. 'I'd like to think so,' replied Cyril, 'I managed 3 platters before I'd even got a drink. You see, young Cyril doesn't like to let his chums down.' And here Norma and Captain Bill looked at Cyril in a very direct way. 'So how long were you with them?' asked Norma. 'About 8 hours,' replied Cyril, 'I'm not sure that I might not keep up the membership, they did a very nice line in cocktails.' 'And you got to talk to them?' asked Captain Bill. 'Oh, we never stopped, ' replied Cyril. 'So what were they talking about?' asked Norma. 'You know,' replied Cyril, '...I've not the slightest idea!' 'Not the slightest idea?!?' mooed Captain Bill. 'Mmmm,' said Cyril, 'it seemed to make sense at the time but now I think back on it.....

It's Thursday! He's here! ...and he's blending in nicely with his new friends... Iiiiiitttttt'ssssssssssssss CYRILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! (A chink of glasses, a whiff of cigar smoke and a well polished medal or two.) Morning Chums, Pip, pip, wizard prang, roger charlie tango 4, canapes above and behind you, I'm turning now, tally ho, tally ho! ...beating them by a canvas, opened it up to 36 a minute, won easily! ...Binky Whithershanks, tiny fella, used to be something huge in the city ...a bridge I think or something like that. Stay close to me red leader... Breakfast! ...Breakfast gone!? ...poor, poor breakfast. Squadron Leader Sir Cyril Plumpton Comfy VAT and Nibbles

'Who?' asked Captain Bill. 'The Frightfully Decent Old Boys Rowing Club,' replied Norma. 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'Norma and I have already done some research on them,' said Bertha. 'And?' asked Captain Bill. 'They're frightfully decent,' replied Norma. 'And they're old boys,' added Bertha. 'Interesting,' said Captain Bill, 'I think I can see a pattern emerging.' "Norma and I still don't think that's enough though,' continued Bertha, 'we think we should try to find out some more about them.' 'Agreed,' agreed Captain Bill, 'so what you're suggesting is that I disguise myself and slip into the enemy ranks to try to discover any weaknesses.' 'Well actually,' said Norma, 'we still see you in more of a managerial role... so we've asked someone else to check them out for us.' 'Someone with a bit more experience at that sort of thing,' add...

Right, 'ello, Queen Phoebe here doing a special Royal blog, so do stand up when you're being spoken down to! Now to start with, my hubby, King Otto - that's 'im over there, aint he lovely, who could resist 'im? - he is the best King there's ever been and you're jolly lucky to have 'im! Next, people with prezzies can leave them with a flunky; people without prezzies can go with one of the pointy spear chappies to a place where they can buy some - and DO wrap them up, only His Little Crownness loves a bit of crinkly paper and a bow. Finally, we is 'ere to do the draw for the first round of the 'King Otto Grand Challenge Rowing Regatta... thing. Anyway, it's something like that and it's practically a charity so the press can jolly well write something nice for a change. You're quick enough to get it on the front page when it all goes a bit pear shaped, so you can flipping well make the effort now! Right 'ere we go, eyes down for a fu...

Morning all, Norma here. Just my little Saturday blog to bring you up to date on all of our efforts. I'm sure you'll be pleased to hear that things are much better now that we've got Geraldine acting as our cox. We've managed to stay on the water AND out of trees! All we have to concentrate on now is getting a bit fitter and learning how to work together. Now the really exciting news is that on Monday, King Otto is going to be making the draw for the first round matches and we hope to be able to bring you a live blog as it actually happens! Right I'd better get on, Captain Bill is insisting that we go up and down the river another 3 times before 4th breakfast. Take care, have jolly nice weekends. Norma

THE ROWERS And so the Comrades Blades held firm Do tense their bodies Await their trial And by their efforts Give their all Till muscles beg For sweet relief But more they pull Through sweated pain All time now lost And still they pull Until at last Their victory Thank you, Horace (Horace would like it known that he is still open to approaches from publishers.)

'But,' said Captain Bill, 'but... she's... well, she's a Penguin!' 'We know,' replied Bertha. Captain Bill, Bertha and Norma were standing together by the river bank looking at Geraldine... who was helpfully waving a small flag. 'So you're honestly telling me you would rather have her than me?' asked Captain Bill. 'Well you've already got an important job,' replied Norma, 'and we have to have a cox, otherwise we'll just keep steering off course.' 'And she's perfectly suited to it,' added Bertha, 'she's small and doesn't weigh much.' But how are you going to communicate?' said Captain Bill. 'Well Annie can do that,' replied Bertha, 'she speaks rather good Penguin.' Captain Bill thought for a while... 'You're quite sure she knows what's going on?' he asked. 'Oh yes,' replied Norma, 'now I've had another talk with her about what a Regatta actu...

'Hopeless,' said Captain Bill, 'absolutely hopeless!' 'It wasn't our fault!' shouted back Bertha. 'Well you're not blaming me!' replied Captain Bill, 'I've got enough problems as it is. It's alright for you lot, out there in your boat, rowing away nineteen to the dozen....I have to run along the river bank and look at you at the same time.....4 trees and an equerry I've run into so far this morning.' 'Was he alright?' asked Norma. 'Difficult to tell,' replied Captain Bill, 'all I could see was his little arms thrashing away in the water...his hat floating off downstream in the dawn's early light, the sun glinting off the gold braid. Anyway, if he couldn't swim he shouldn't have been standing so close to the edge. But the point is,' he continued, 'this isn't my fault. I distinctly called out 'turn to port' and you lot veered off to the left!' 'THAT IS PORT!' mooed ...

Morning all, Captain Bill here. Now as you know, I've been placed into the critical role of team manager in our effort to win back the Pickled Heifer and so I thought I'd just share one or two pearls of wisdom that you may be able to use in your daily lives. Of course my own background is in a different area but there are many lessons that I can recall from Captain school that can still be applied. As you will see from my plan the course is pretty straight and it's probably going to be best to follow that as closely as possible. So begin by walking the course and making a careful note of any obsti... obsticicic... things that might divert the crew. I've already arranged for two ice cream vans and a beer tent to be moved back a bit and screened off. Also check to see where 'Not North' is as the crew will have a natural tendency to steer in that direction. Next take the temperature of the water. If the thermometer shows a warm reading then you can have a paddle wh...

Hellllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (friday close 15.372 'o's to the 'e' a 4 year high). Annie here and I'm officially very excited! In fact on my excitorometer, I'm showing 9.977! There are 2 reasons for this. The first is that my chum, Mr Sir Cyril of Largeness and Casual Boat Hire, has given me a pair of his sun glasses (see piccie). The second is that Norma (my best friend) has told me that not only am I going to be helping out with some rowing, I'm going to be in a Regatta as well! Now I'd be the first to admit that I don't know a lot about cooking... apart from eating cake and trifle... actually now I think about it, that may be all there is! But still I'm very excited! I think they must have put me down for a very important job. I mean look at the size of the stirring stick they've given me!! Going to have a nap now... Annie

Morning all, Norma here, just my little Saturday blog. Well things went quite well yesterday. Bertha and I have worked out some gentle exercises that we can do to help us get fit and we've just been for an early morning stampede around the castle. The grass is nice and soft at the moment so we don't make much noise. Next week we should be able to get a boat to practise in. I am a bit worried about Annie's blade which seems to be rather larger than most! I know Captain Bill moans about her but there's no doubting that she throws herself into everything that we do. Yesterday she threw herself into the river 15 times! Well I think that's all from me. I do hope that you all have good weekends. Try to do something nice but also take time to relax and have at least one cake. Norma

'Right!,' said Captain Bill, 'are we ready? Beeeeeeeegin! Hup, down, hup, down, hup, down, hup, down, stretch those horn muscles, hup, down, hup, down, feel the pain, hup, down, hup, down, hup, down, hup, down.' 'Are we supposed to be doing something?' asked Annie. 'Are you supposed to be doing something!' replied Captain Bill, 'of course you're supposed to be doing something. You've got to get fit. If we're going to win back the Pickled Heifer you've got to become the perfect crew. That means constant exercise. From now on your body must become a temple. Every aspect of your lives must be bent towards eventual victory. And from now on,' he added, 'I want to make it quite clear that you're all limited to 7 breakfasts a day!' 'Right,' he continued, 'hup, down, hup, down, hup, down, hup, down...' 'Oh do give it a rest!' said Bertha. 'We should start with something gentle,' added Norma, ...

It's Thursday! ...He's here... and he's doing what he does best. Ittttttttttt'sssssssssssssssssssssss Cyrillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll! (Polite applause, a bottle of plonk, and a cucumber sandwich.) Morning chums, are we well? Of course we are! As I'm sure you will know, due to a small error of judgement on my part, we are now in a life or death struggle to recover our mighty ship, the 'Pickled Heifer'. But fear not: a top team has been assembled and is even now lying in bed waiting for a cup of tea. Now you will ask (no you will, Cyril can detect these things), am I completely behind my team? And without hesitation I can answer, yes! To be honest (no I will be, Cyril can manage these things from time to time), when you get to my size, you can be behind your team, at the side of it and still have a bit left to be out in front. So I'm backing my pals to the hilt... and so can you! Yes, a first class rowing team doesn't come cheap. So by p...

'Well it shouldn't be beyond us,' said Norma, 'all we need to do is pull together, get fit and try our very, very best.' Captain Bill herded across until he was just in front of Norma. 'You do it deliberately don't you?' he said but Norma just looked back at him. 'Anyway,' he continued, 'we can hardly pull together when two of us aren't here in the first place!' The 'place' was a pretty river bank on King Otto's Island. Captain Bill, Norma, Bertha, Annie and Geraldine were enjoying a tasty picnic in the late afternoon sunshine but of Horace and Cyril there was no sign. 'Well,' said Norma,'Horace has gone to get some proper poetry paper and should be back shortly, and Bertha and I have already decided that Cyril isn't on the team.' 'Why not?' mooed Captain Bill, 'don't tell me he's getting away with doing nothing again!' 'Well I'm afraid,' replied Bertha, 'that we ...

'But the Pickled Heifer is our ship!' insisted Captain Bill. 'Hmmmmmmmmmmmm,' replied Queen Phoebe thoughtfully, 'I think you'll find that it was your ship, only now it's ours and we've got a receipt and a big dungeon to prove it.' Captain Bill and Norma and Bertha all looked very upset. 'But it wasn't supposed to be sold,' said Norma, 'it was a bit of a misunderstanding and we really would like to have it back.' 'That's as may be,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'but One can't go announcing prizes for competitions on a Monday and then withdrawing them on a Tuesday. It's that sort of thing that allows the papers to tuck you up a right treat. One hates to think what sort of trouble it would cause for His Little Crownness... and I do so love 'im so.' Captain Bill and Norma and Betha all agreed that nobody could love anybody more than Queen Phoebe loved King Otto and that they wouldn't want to cause either ...

'Honestly,' said Captain Bill, 'there's hardly any damage at all, just a couple of bits of stone, you wouldn't even notice.' 'Well,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'I just wish that for once you could get into the harbour without that sort of thing happening. His Little Crownness won't be at all 'appy about it!' All of the Cows and Queen Phoebe and Geraldine were standing around on the lawn outside of the castle which was placed very firmly on King Otto's Island. For that was where the Cows had finally landed. 'And how is King Otto?' asked Bertha. 'Oh,' replied Queen Phoebe, her face lighting up, 'he's such a dear sweet thing and I do so love him to bits. But to tell the truth, ' she added, 'just recently he's had the right hump!' The Cows all said how sorry they were to hear this. 'Well it's the press,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'One does years of charity work and it don't get a mention ...

'Are you sure?' asked Norma. 'Oh yes!' replied Bertha, who was peering into a very nice eyeglass. 'What's that?' called out Captain Bill from the other end of the Mootilus. 'I can see an Island!' replied Bertha. 'Ah yes,' said Captain Bill, who eased his way towards them, 'I thought so.' 'What do you mean by that?' asked Bertha. 'Well,' replied Captain Bill, 'it's not difficult really. I've been steering us Not North; the wind's been blowing from East and West; given the length of the boat and the weight distribution, average speed of around 20 Cyril's per hour, I thought we'd be home about now... it's all in the Captaincy you know!' Norma and Bertha looked at Captain Bill. 'I imagine you'll see the harbour soon?' he added. Bertha turned her attention back to the eyepiece. 'Yes,' she said, 'I can see that.' 'Excellent!' said Captain Bill. 'And the ...

'And now,' said Bertha, 'the marks from Cyril.' Cyril held up a number and Norma made a careful note of it. 'And now,' said Bertha again, 'the marks from Annie.' Annie held up several numbers and fell backwards into the sea. 'Which one of those are we counting?' asked Captain Bill. 'All of them,' replied Norma. 'All of them!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'We have to,' replied Bertha, 'it's in her contract.' 'I've got a long term contract,' said Annie as Cyril helped her back on board . 'And finally,' concluded Bertha, 'the marks from Horace.' Norma gave Horace a nudge and Horace held up a hat box lid with writing on it. 'What's that?' asked Bertha. 'It's a poem,' replied Horace, '...that is what you wanted wasn't it?' 'Hopeless!' muttered Captain Bill, 'absolutely hopeless!' Norma explained to Horace that he was supposed to be giving mar...

Hellllllllllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooo! Annie here. Now I don't usually do the blog thing on a... whatever day it is today??? Normally it's my chum, Mr Sir Cyril of Largeness but he's busy being written on... so I'm here instead. I think I should begin by saying that I'm getting a bit bored and a bit worried. It was quite good fun at first to hire this little boat but I can't help thinking that it's time for us to be getting back. I suspect that the man who shouts 'come in number 4, your time is up' has probably got a sore throat by now (actually I can't see what number we are but I like 4's because they have pointy corners). Also I think we should have got one of those peddly boats because then we could all have had a turn at peddledeling. Finally, I've not been able to count my legs for a least a week because I can't see them... How am I supposed to know how many I've got? Tired now. Annie

Morning all! Bertha here and I'm sure you'll all notice that I'm wearing a new hat. That's because it's become very sunny here and also because it looks nice. Now the first thing I must do is say a great big 'thank you' for all the entries into our 'name our boat' competition. Norma and I have been very impressed. If you haven't had a go yet, there is still time. Just send in your suggestion (without cake, ignore Cyril) and we'll add it to the others. A winner will be announced on Friday. Apart from that, I can't report much of interest. We did have a game of 'I spy' yesterday but after Captain Bill chose 'hat' for the 5th time running, we decided to do something else. Well that's all from me - have fun but do pay attention if somebody speaks to you... it's only polite! Bertha

'And still no sign of cake!' said Captain Bill. 'Actually it's only been just over a week,' replied Bertha. Captain Bill moved just a little bit closer. 'Are you sure?' he asked. 'Yes,' replied Bertha, 'Norma has been keeping a journal.' 'But,' said Captain Bill, 'I didn't think we had any paper? 'We don't,' said Norma, 'but I've borrowed a pencil off of Horace and I'm writing on the side of Cyril.' And here Norma pointed at Cyril who was covered in very neat lettering. 'Impressive!' said Captain Bill, 'and still enough room for a short novel.' 'We thought it was the least he could do,' said Bertha, 'seeing as this is ALL HIS FAULT!' But there was no reply from Cyril. 'Anyway,' continued Norma, 'Bertha and I think we ought to have a talk about our supplies.' 'What have we got?' asked Captain Bill. 'Well,' replied Bertha, 'I've g...