Cow Island

'You'll have to be quick!' mooed Bertha, 'we can't hold her much longer!' 'She's seen the presents!' called out Cyril. 'OK!' said Norma. 'Now am I doing this or are you?' 'Erm?' said Captain Bill. 'I will then,' said Norma, 'we'd just like to say thank you for sticking with us for yet another twelve months and we'd like to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.' 'I would have said something almost exactly the same,' added Captain Bill. 'Right,' said Norma, 'release the Annie!' 'PRESENTS!!!' screamed Annie, 'CHRISTMAS! MINCE PIES! MORE PRESENTS!' And she stampeded past everyone and ran straight into the tree. 'So have we got time for my poem?' asked Horace. 'Sorry,' said Norma. (We'll be back on the 3rd of January) (It's not our fault you understand...it's the Great Pencil...for some reason he thinks he deserv...

'When did it start?' asked Bertha. 'Early this morning,' replied Norma. 'The Christmas excitement alarm went off just after 3.30.' 'She's done very well this year.' Norma nodded. 'Remember that year when she started in October and we had to tie her up in duvets and chain her down?' 'And she still vibrated clear across the island,' added Bertha. 'Just so long as she doesn't actually see any of her presents we should be fine,' continued Norma. 'We could stick her in front of Captain Bill,' suggested Bertha, 'there's no chance of her seeing any there.' 'Hmm, I'm not so sure,' replied Norma, 'I spoke to him this morning and he seemed very smug all of a sudden.' 'I'm not sure I approve of that!' mooed Bertha. 'It was a bit unsettling,' replied Norma, 'still for the moment I'm more concerned about Annie, she's heading towards the cliffs again.' 'I...

'But where on earth?' 'Early gift from Annie,' replied Cyril. 'And you're going to keep it on?' asked Captain Bill. 'Worn,' replied Cyril, 'with pride! Although I feel a smidge of mistletoe would increase my irresistibleness.' 'But you look ridiculous!' 'Ridiculous, but with presents,' corrected Cyril. 'It is perfectly possible to do Christmas without presents,' said Captain Bill. 'But it's not recommended,' replied Cyril. 'I take it you've still...?' 'Yes!' mooed Captain Bill, '........what am I going to do?' 'Emigrate?' suggested Cyril. 'I tried that this morning,' replied Captain Bill. 'Had a bit of a problem with the Pickled Heifer...and Not North seems to have moved again!' 'So what you're looking for is a miracle?' suggested Cyril. 'What you're looking for is someone who can stampede in at the last moment and save your very l...

'Well I'm just saying that it's kind of you,' said Norma. 'It is a heavy sack,' replied Horace. 'I just like buying presents.' said Norma. 'Do you think they'll be alright under the tree?' 'I think so,' replied Norma, 'even Cyril can be good at this time of year...if he puts a bit of effort in!' 'And...and I thought we might go skating afterwards?' 'Oh that would be nice,' replied Norma, 'and we could ask Bertha and Annie along.' 'Well...if you want to...I don't mind.' 'And Geraldine, we can't leave her out, not after her triumph at the skiing.' 'No I don't suppose so.' 'It'll be fun if there's lots of us...we could organise some games.' 'Perhaps,' replied Horace, who was starting to find the sack very heavy indeed.

Captain Bill was late. 'Have I missed much?' he asked. 'Geraldine's set a blistering pace,' replied Norma. 'Yes,' said Captain Bill, 'I can't help but feel that she has a bit of an advantage at these sort of things.' 'She went down on one ski,' replied Norma. Hmm,' said Captain Bill, 'still?' 'And she's offered to go backwards on the 2nd run.' 'Makes you feel a bit...inadequate.' 'Nonsense!' 'And I see there's no time for Cyril.' 'Disqualified!' replied Norma. 'The usual?' asked Captain Bill. Norma nodded her head. 'He was trying to eat the course.'

'So you just made a small one this year?' said Captain Bill. 'We didn't have much time left,' replied Norma. 'Looks very good though!' 'Thank you,' said Norma. 'And the slalom course?' 'Annie and Geraldine are just carrying out a final test.' 'Ski lift's a nice touch.' 'The hoist was broken anyway.' 'Well a job well done.' 'That's what we thought,' replied Norma. 'And it looks nice with all the snow around it.' 'Actually it's not snow,' replied Norma. 'We had half a batch left and Cyril shouted 'icing fight'....Bertha's still chiseling bits of it off Horace.' 'He needs to learn to move a bit quicker!' said Captain Bill. And Norma agreed that he did.

'Hose pressure holding steady,' mooed Norma. 'Geraldine reporting skiing conditions 'firm',' called out Annie. 'Well done everyone!' shouted Bertha. 'Horace and Captain Bill approaching with batch number 3,' continued Annie. 'Excellent,' replied Norma, 'this one is almost empty.' And indeed, as predicted, at that very moment the hose spluttered and the icing ran out. 'Just time for a quick break,' said Bertha and she herded forward for a closer look at the cake. 'You're getting a very even coating,' said Norma. 'Should I come down and have a look?' offered Cyril. But by uninanomous agreement Cyril was told to stay exactly where he was. At this rate we'll be done before dark,' said Norma. 'It's the new bigger tubs,' said Bertha, 'it makes it so much quicker.' 'We'd better get the hose off this one,' suggested Norma. So between them Norma and Bertha removed the hos...

'And I was just sooo impressed,' continued Captain Bill, 'I know that Norma means well but I really thought that you were doing something new and exciting with wrapping.' 'Mank moo!' replied Annie. 'Indeed!' said Captain Bill. 'The thing is people get used to doing things in one way and they stop looking for new ideas. It needs someone to come along and shake them up and I think you're the person to do it!' 'Mime mot more amout mat?' said Annie. 'No really!' replied Captain Bill. 'Which is when I found myself thinking that perhaps I could help you? Because after all, helping someone to wrap their presents is sort of like giving the presents yourself...in a way.' 'Mo mit mizn't!' mooed Annie. 'Well pretty close to it!' replied Captain Bill, 'although obviously you'd still get most of the credit but we could put my name on the tag....in the corner...'from Annie...and Captain B...

'It needs more mixed peel,' said Cyril. 'No it doesn't!' replied Bertha. 'I'll put in another couple of sacks anyway,' said Cyril. 'I knew this was a mistake!' mooed Bertha. Cyril looked hurt. 'There are people who would appreciate on the spot advice from a top cake expert.' 'Not when the advice consists purely of 'put some more in'!' replied Bertha. 'But it's not up to the top yet,' said Cyril. 'I'll put some more raisins in.' 'It doesn't need more raisins!' exclaimed Bertha. 'It needs mixing...for which I shall need a larger spoon.' 'So you don't need that spoon anymore?' asked Cyril. 'You're not going to lick it!' 'Clean it...I was going to clean it.' 'How?' '...by licking it.' 'Argghhhh!' screamed Bertha. 'Go away...go away and get Norma, but stay away!' Cyril licked the spoon. 'It needs more brandy.' ...

Hello everyone and welcome to 'Present Wrapping Made Easy' with Norma and Annie. Now I think I should say at the outset that Annie and myself do have slightly different approaches, but I hope that between us we can help to make your present wrapping just a bit easier. So to begin with you'll need wrapping paper. My recommendation is for one really nice roll of the highest quality...although Annie tends to favour 154 mixed rolls which can be applied in several layers. Of course wrapping can be made considerably easier if you can put your presents into a square presentation box, perhaps with some packing around it...or you could chose to wrap the present to yourself so you don't lose it...it's your choice. Finally, you'll want to finish off with a bit of ribbon tied into a bow and a well placed gift tag...I'm suggesting just using one... Well I hope that's helped...possibly! Take care Hugs Norma and Annie...and Geraldine as well because she...

'Perhaps I should have a quick look?' suggested Captain Bill. 'Just leave it alone!' mooed Bertha. 'That wire...' 'Is fine!' 'But?' 'Don't touch it!' 'Ahem!' said Norma. 'If we could have a bit of hush? It is my great pleasure to welcome you all here and to introduce our special guest...ladies and gentlemen...Ms Geraldine!' Everyone gave Geraldine a round of applause. And in response she waved her wings about a bit, cheeped, squawked, did a very pretty dance and then jumped onto the large red button that was in front of her. The lights on the Christmas tree came on. 'Told you!' said Bertha. 'Wonderful!' said Norma. 'She's a pengiming,' added Annie. 'Is that one flickering?' asked Captain Bill. 'Look,' said Bertha, 'if you go anywhere near them I can promise you somebodies lights WILL go out!'

'So is she planning to stay up there for the whole of Christmas?' asked Captain Bill. 'Oh no!' replied Norma. 'She just wanted to do it for a day or two.' 'And,' asked Captain Bill, '...and is that a haddock on a stick?' 'It's not a real one,' replied Norma. 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'Anyway, I've asked her to turn on the lights so she'll have to come down for that.' 'Fine!' said Captain Bill. 'Actually I was going to suggest, you know, maybe this year, we might do things a bit differently.' 'Really?' 'Mmm,' 'You've still not bought any Christmas presents have you?' 'I've made a start!' 'I know,' said Norma, 'Horace showed me...I looked possessed.' 'Radiant!' 'Possessed!' 'Radiant!' And so it went on.

'No!' said Bertha. 'There is simply no tradition at all of having a penguin at the top of a Christmas tree!' 'Is!' mooed Annie. 'Perhaps if we gave her a halo?' suggested Norma. 'A penguin with a halo!' said Bertha. 'St Geraldine!' said Norma and she giggled. 'She'd need a wand as well,' added Annie. 'Or a haddock on a stick,' said Bertha. And Norma giggled a lot more. 'Can we please try to be serious for a moment?' she asked. 'Baubles!' said Annie. And Norma laughed so much her hat fell off. 'Stop it!' she cried. 'I do believe she's got the giggles!' said Bertha. 'I hope her baubles don't fall off then,' said Annie. 'Can that happen?' asked Bertha. 'When it's this cold,' said Annie, 'if you giggle too much it can loosen the hinges...and then your baubles drop off.' And it was some time before Norma was able to do anything.

'But,' said Horace, 'what's it supposed to be?' 'What!' mooed Captain Bill. 'What?' asked Horace. 'It's Norma!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'You mean...'our' Norma?' 'Of course it's 'our' Norma!' 'But it doesn't look anything like her!' said Horace. 'You're probably standing too close,' replied Captain Bill. Horace stepped back a bit. 'I wrote about her eyes shining with a love that burns the soul.' 'Yes,' said Captain Bill, '...I couldn't find the right coloured pencil for that.' 'She looks...possessed!' 'It's probably just the light,' replied Captain Bill. 'I'll think I'll do Cyril next...might need a bigger piece of paper though.' 'No,' said Horace, 'no..I...I really don't want you doing any more.' 'Overshadows the poetry,' suggested Captain Bill, 'I can see where you're coming fr...

'A whole fruit cake,' said Cyril. 'A large slice of fruit cake,' replied Annie. 'Half a fruit cake,' said Cyril. '2 large slices of fruit cake,' replied Annie. '2 large slices and a bit of sponge,' said Cyril. 'OK!' mooed Annie and she cut 2 large slices of fruit cake and a slice of sponge and Cyril pulled the tree a bit further. 'It's very good cake,' said Cyril as he ate the 2nd slice. 'There's more available,' said Annie as she pushed the trolley along. 'How about another slice?' asked Cyril. 'When we get to the top of this rise,' replied Annie. 'Then it'll need to be 2 slices,' said Cyril. '1 slice and a hug,' replied Annie. 'I'd rather have 2 slices,' replied Cyril. And Annie ran across to Cyril and pulled his hat down over his head.

Right, morning all. It does seem a long time since we last spoke. I do hope you're wrapping up warm now the cold weather is here. Now I must say Annie has picked out a very fine tree! We should be able to lift it by the end of the day and then get it moved tomorrow. The baking on Sunday went well and I've booked a Cyril so shifting it shouldn't be too much of a problem. After that it'll be decorations time. This will probably involve Annie getting covered in tinsel. It doesn't seem to matter how careful we are, she only has to walk past the box and it self empties itself. Anyway, I'm sure we'll get there. Take care, nibble something hot and put on a scarf. Bertha

'I think we'll need a variety,' said Norma. 'He likes fruit best,' called out Annie. 'He likes them all best!' said Bertha. 'So I was thinking if we made them on Sunday?' added Norma. Having reached the top of the hill the girls slowed down to a walk and went on a little while without talking. 'I think you're probably right,' said Bertha after a while. 'If we start on the tree today and then take a break for baking tomorrow and finish the tree on Monday.' 'The problem is making sure he doesn't smell them,' said Norma. 'We'll need at least a five mile exclusion zone,' replied Bertha. 'I could challenge him to a helter skelter race,' suggested Annie. 'And we could take the Pickled Heifer out and bake onboard,' said Norma. 'A plan of evil genius,' giggled Bertha. And the girls walked on.

'Well I have to say you don't make it easy to find you,' said Captain Bill. 'I like it down here,' replied Horace. 'At the end of the pier?' questioned Captain Bill. 'In winter?' 'I find it very inspiring,' replied Horace. 'Right,' said Captain Bill, 'actually it was about the old poetry that I wanted to talk to you about. Cyril said that you've been running off a bucket load for Christmas presents.' Horace turned to look at Captain bill. 'I've spent considerable time crafting individual works for each of you, if that's what you mean?' 'Indeed!' mooed Captain bill, 'and I was thinking perhaps I could lend a hoof. Not with the words of course, although I dare say a bit of editing....anyway I thought I could do some pictures...illustrations...possibly?' 'Why?' asked Horace. 'To help you!' replied Captain Bill. 'Might even mean they get published. I think I remember...

'Oh, I think it's a lovely tree!' said Norma. And Annie did a little dance around the tree to show how pleased she was. 'And it doesn't mind being moved?' asked Norma. 'It's fine about it,' replied Annie, 'but it does want to be put back before New Year's Eve.' 'Hmm,' said Norma, 'it's probably some sort of ancient woodland lore that says it has to be back by then.' 'Actually it's going out on a hot date with a Spruce,' replied Annie. 'Is that really what it said?' asked Norma. 'That's what I heard in my head,' replied Annie. Norma considered that this still left the question largely unanswered but thought it best to push on. 'We'd better go and get the equipment,' she said. And so they began a leisurely walk back down the hill. 'Oh, there's one more thing,' said Annie as they went along, 'it wanted to know if we knew of a good landscape artist. 'Hmm,'...

'Which,' said Captain Bill, 'was when it struck me. We've all been so busy with travelling and things, none of us have had time to buy any Christmas presents!' 'Wine,' replied Cyril without looking up. 'Hmm?' said Captain Bill. 'I'm giving everybody wine, it's an '83, I've been holding it back.' 'Oh right!' said Captain Bill. 'Well that's OK for you but what about the rest of us?' 'The hat boxes,' said Cyril as he wrote another card. 'Hat boxes?' 'The girls got all their presents when we were with Camille. They smuggled them back in the hat boxes.' 'Oh!' said Captain Bill. 'Perhaps I should speak to Horace then. Maybe we could do something between us?' 'He's written poems for everyone,' said Cyril. 'He's been working on them all year.' Captain Bill thought about this for a bit. 'So it's just me then? Who hasn't got anything?' ...