Cow Island

'There are reports of shoals of trifles off the coast again.' 'I myself have missed this as I have been spending too much time at the gymnasium,' replied Cyril. 'I did ask her if we could dispense with the passwords,' said Bertha. 'I saw a picture of a gym once,' replied Cyril. 'Never again!' 'So what news?' asked Bertha. 'The giraffe is in!' replied Cyril. 'Should I ask how?' asked Bertha. 'Didn't take much,' replied Cyril. 'A couple of 2nd hand carpets and a secret hoof shake.' 'Captain Bill's cabin is carpeted I believe,' said Bertha. 'Was!' replied Cyril. 'And Norma and I are a tad concerned about where you're getting the crowns from?' 'Got to look the part!' replied Cyril. 'A dealer in crowns has got to have crowns otherwise people would question things.' 'Still!' said Bertha. 'I'll give them back aft...

'No!' pleaded Norma. 'Do try to focus. Remember we've spoken about this before. The real world doesn't have any armchair trees.' 'My real world does!' mooed Annie. 'Possibly!' conceded Norma. 'But we're talking about the real real world.' 'Are you sure?' asked Annie. 'Positve!' replied Norma. 'Nor does it have any tartan patterned clouds or upside down hills.' Annie put her brush down and herded very close to Norma. 'It sounds very boring this real real world of yours.' 'Perhaps it is?' said Norma. 'But that's how most people see it.' 'I much prefer my version.' replied Annie. 'And you can,' said Norma, 'it's just that we need these paintings to look like the real real world or they won't work.' 'Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?' mused Annie. 'Please?' asked Norma. 'As you like!' said Annie and she went ...

'Ah ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Me hearties! Ha! Ha! Keel haul the lot of them! Then make sail for the Governor's palace!..........................................No, sorry, I still can't get into it.' said Flossie. 'I just thought it might help?' replied Lefty. 'Appreciate the idea,' replied Flossie. 'You know me, always happy to run it up the mizzen mast and see how it flutters.' 'So do you feel it's going to be just a passing thing or more of a long term problem?'  'Not sure really?' replied Flossie. 'Have you considered counselling?' 'Not really me,' replied Flossie. 'Now moving on, this would be the...er...'you know what'?' 'That's right,' said Lefty. 'Shall we unwrap it?' asked Flossie. 'Up to you?' replied Lefty. 'But it would invalidate the insurance.' 'Insurance?' bleated Flossie. 'Insurance,' repeated Lefty. 'But it...

'As you well know you could have told me there was nothing in it!' said Captain Bill. 'I thought you would have worked it out by the weight?' replied Bertha. 'It was obviously empty.' 'Yes...only it wasn't completely empty was it!' continued Captain Bill. 'There was a note inside saying, "Dear Cyril, Captain Bill has eaten all the cake".' 'I've simply no idea how it got there,' replied Bertha. 'He can't half move if he wants to,' said Captain Bill. 'Shh!' said Norma. 'Look over there!' 'Where?' asked Captain Bill and Bertha. 'Over there!' repeated Norma and she pointed with her tail. 'That's them!' 'Are you sure?' asked Bertha. 'Positive!' replied Norma. 'Why...why is that little bush moving along with them?' asked Captain Bill. 'That's Geraldine!' mooed Norma. 'See, she's just given us a wave....

'We could!' bleated Flossie. 'Shouldn't really though,' replied Lefty. 'Nobodies looking!' added Flossie. 'And we need to get on.' 'It's your call,' replied Lefty. So Flossie gave the signal and the flock picked up the pace. 'It's not really running anyway,' continued Flossie. 'More of a slight jog.' 'Still covered in the rules though,' replied Lefty. Flossie slowed to a halt. 'You know,' he began, 'I'm tempted to get out of the whole pirate game.' 'Never!' said Lefty. 'Well, it's just no fun anymore,' replied Flossie. 'It used to be. It's all got just...too regulated.' 'But, but what you do?' asked Lefty. 'I dunno,' replied Flossie, 'maybe just get my head stuck through a fence for a while, give myself time to think things through.' 'You'd miss it though,' said Lefty. 'The camaraderie, the s...

'I see the fruit cakes have flown south early this winter,' whispered Bertha. 'Excellent!' replied Cyril, 'That can only help me with the strict diet that I have so recently embarked on.' 'You know I'm not convinced that we need these passwords!' mooed Bertha. 'They're certainly not accurate!' replied Cyril. 'I'll have to speak to Norma about them,' said Bertha. 'She does have a tendency to get carried away with these things.' 'So any news?' asked Cyril. 'Nothing so far,' replied Bertha. 'And you?' 'Sold a couple of nice rugs.' 'Where did you get them from?' 'He'll never miss them,' replied Cyril. 'Besides we've got to make contacts.' 'And have you?' 'Got talking to a giraffe,' replied Cyril. 'He applied for a post with Flossie a while back. Didn't get the job, he's got a bit of a grudge, could be use...

'And so I told him, there is more to an elephant than just a trunk you know! And then I picked him up and shook him.' 'With your trunk?' asked Norma. 'Erm? Didn't do myself any favours at that point.' replied Norman. 'Anyhow,' continued Norma. 'What news?' 'There are rumblings,' replied Norman. 'Sorry about that,' said Annie, 'I knew seventeen breakfasts wouldn't be enough.' 'No!' replied Norman. 'I mean rumblings of information.' 'Tell all!' mooed Norma. 'A pirate flock stopped for jogging slightly too quickly with a pointy sword. The self same flock warned about not wearing high vis jackets while walking rather fast towards the harbour. And finally the same flock again stopped and fined for not wearing enough eye patches! I not sure how the last one relates to anything to be honest but never discard a piece of information, that's what I say!' 'Sounds li...

'And you're sure it was her?' asked Lefty. Hooky tapped once. 'It couldn't be!' bleated Flossie. Hooky tapped four times. 'Well maybe it could be then!' conceded Flossie. 'How tall was she?' asked Lefty. Hooky tapped seven times. 'And how wide was she?' asked Lefty. Hooky tapped seven times. 'She could do with loosing a few pounds,' remarked Lefty. 'It's all the banquets,' said Flossie. 'Now,' asked Lefty, 'how regal was she?' Hooky tapped three hundred and thirty seven times. 'How regal?' exclaimed Flossie. And Hooky tapped three hundred and thirty seven times.....again. 'It must be her!' said Flossie. 'And she won't be alone,' added Lefty. 'Right ! ' said Flossie . ' T here's no time to lose. W e'll have to move quickly.' 'Not sure we can,' replied Lefty. 'Why not?' asked Flossie. And Lefty...

'But One was perfectly alright!' explained Queen Phoebe. 'Er?' replied Norma. 'One was disguised and everything.' 'It's just...' said Norma, 'we were worried about you, that's all.' 'Most kind I'm sure,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'but One don't spend years being a royal personage without learning how to look after One.' 'Possibly,' said Norma, 'but we do feel sort of responsible for you. 'No need!' 'And what would King Otto think if he knew you were wandering about a pirate jamboree?' 'He'd say, smile, smile my dear and be regal and if they get too close punch 'em on the nose!' 'Really?' asked Norma. 'Indeed!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'He's full of useful advice like that. It's why everyone loves 'im so.' 'Still,' said Norma, 'think of how it would look if it got in the press, 'Queenie brawls with pirat...

Could you please just stand still for a moment!' demanded Bertha. 'I'm trying! I'm trying!' said Horace. 'This isn't easy you know!' 'And it's not easy to see off into the distance if you're being wobbled about!' replied Bertha. 'I think we're all finding the circumstances a little tricky,' added Norma. 'Any sign of her?' asked Captain Bill. 'No!' said Bertha and Norma. 'Is that her over there?' mooed Annie. Slowly everyone turned to see. 'It's a giraffe!!!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'You can clearly see it's a giraffe! It's a giraffe!' 'I thought perhaps she'd put her hair up!' replied Annie. 'Hopeless!' said Captain Bill. 'Absolutely hopeless!' 'Perhaps we need to go on a bit further?' suggested Norma. 'I'm not sure I can,' replied Captain Bill. 'Nor me!' said Horace. 'Just a bit,' ...

'But Cyril says he's not sure now who he sold it to so there's little chance of Captain Bill getting it back,' said Norma. 'It's only a piece of furniture,' replied Horace, 'it's not as if it were a poem or anything.' 'I thought you might say something like that,' said Norma. 'So...as we're now talking about poetry, how's it going?' 'It's OK,' replied Horace. 'And Queen Phoebe?' 'We argued for a while over finding something to rhyme with dead. She suggested brown bread but it really didn't fit the mood of the work.' 'Hmm,' replied Norma, 'I can see where you're coming from.' 'The problem is she's very used to getting her own way.' 'I suppose when you're a queen it must get like that?' 'In the end we decided that we'd produce two different versions.' 'Well compromise is best if you cam manage it,' replied N...

'I wondered where he'd got to!' said Norma. 'Is that, is that MY carriage clock?' asked Captain Bill. 'And that's your chest as well,' added Bertha. 'Actually I'd say from here that about 90% of what he's got has come out of your cabin.' 'Right!' mooed Captain Bill. And closely followed by everyone else he stampeded down towards Cyril. 'Morning!' said Cyril. 'That's....this is...you've...it's!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Are you feeling alright?' asked Cyril. 'You're looking a very strange colour.' 'IT'S ALL MY STUFF!' screamed Captain Bill. 'I know!' replied Cyril. 'But you can't just take it!' 'Can if I'm a pirate,' replied Cyril. 'Got to have something to tempt the punters in.' 'But!' said Captain Bill. 'I'll sell it back to you if you like?' offered Cyril. 'It'd look good....

'And so,' continued Norma, 'thanks to information received from Norman, ace spy and all around good egg...' 'He's not an egg!' called out Annie. 'He is an elephant!' 'I stand corrected,' replied Norma. 'All around good elephant. We now have it confirmed that Flossie and his terrible pirate flock are definitely on the island.' 'Just how did he find out?' asked Bertha. 'Detailed investigative work,' replied Norma, 'and apparently down in the harbour there was a large sign saying 'reserved for Flossie and his terrible pirate flock'.' 'I said we should have arrived via the harbour,' exclaimed Captain Bill, 'but did anybody listen!' 'Well?' asked Captain Bill. 'Sorry?' said Norma and Bertha. 'I said,' began Captain Bill, '..............Oh! Let's move on.' 'The problem as I see it,' said Bertha, 'is how do we get to make...

'It's been muddier in the past!' bleated Lefty. 'It has! It has!' replied Flossie. 'Everyone seemed to enjoy it though.' 'Indeed!' agreed Flossie. 'Thought we could have spread out a little more though.' 'The lads like to stick together.' replied Lefty. 'Your mum did herself proud!' 'She's always keen aren't you mum? Mum? MUM? 'Has she got the old trouble?' 'No, it's been quite good recently. Mum!.....MUM! You know I think she may have got a little mud in her ear. MUM!' 'No, no I don't think she's hearing you.' 'MUM!' Maybe take her down to the harbour, give her a quick dip.' 'Not sure she'd appreciate that,' replied Lefty, 'she's terribly independant. MUM!' Hooky tapped several times. 'Oh, I don't think we'd all want to go,' replied Flossie. 'Wouldn't take half an hour,' suggested Le...

'And you're quite sure that's what Norman said?' asked Norma. 'Oh yes!' replied Annie. 'I would have brought him here so he could tell you himself but he takes a long time to draw.' 'Anyway,' said Norma. 'Am I,' interrupted Captain Bill, 'am I the only one who finds the whole notion of an undercover elephant a bit difficult to comprehend?' Annie herded very close to Captain Bill. 'He's a master of disguise you know,' she said. 'He's an ever changing kaleidoscope of characters, a complex panoply of voices, gestures and slight of trunk costume changes. Forever on the move, never resting for a even a moment in his self inflicted quest for.........whatever it is we're all looking for.' 'Queen Phoebe's crown,' prompted Norma. 'That as well,' agreed Annie. 'One day Norman the pirate elephant, the next a pirate elephant named Norman. Sometimes in the forefront of h...

'Any more?' asked Annie. 'Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,' replied Norman. 'Maybe!' So Annie gave Norman a couple of hugs. 'I've got a never ending supply,' added Annie. 'That's nice to know,' replied Norman. 'So watcha been up to?' said Annie. 'Well,' replied Norman, 'the usual sort of things, eating, sleeping, infiltrating pirate gangs in a desperate attempt to retrieve Queen Phoebe's stolen crown.' 'And the high points so far?' asked Annie. 'We did intercept a sloop full of buns a while back,' replied Norman. 'Did you eat all of them?' asked Annie. '.........................................Sort of,' replied Norman. Annie hugged Norman for a while. 'And do they make you work VERY hard?' she asked. 'It's mostly washing things,' replied Norman, 'or blowing on the sails when there's no wind.' 'Trunk work then!' said...

'You as well!' said Norma. 'At least I'm carrying a sword!' 'Onebody even suggested my horns might be too pointy!' replied Bertha. 'I'm certainly changing my mind about what it's like to be a pirate,' added Norma. 'Anyhow, you were saying?' 'Yes!'said Bertha, 'In the end he got went back and got one with a toasting fork attachment.' 'But he doesn't need one!' replied Norma. 'I know!' mooed Bertha. 'But he wouldn't listen and he took out the extended warranty!' 'That's where they get you every time!' replied Norma. 'Still I've managed to pick up one or two things myself,' continued Bertha. 'A book on pirate librarians and there's a stall doing knitting patterns.' 'We saw that,' replied Norma, 'I hoping to get back there later, which ones did you get?' 'Erm?' said Bertha. 'There's a hat in the shape of...

'No for once we're in agreement,' said Captain Bill. 'Really?' replied Bertha. 'I thought it would be all sword fights and ya ha ha me hearties, splice the main thingamy and where's me bottle of rum!' 'There's almost no sense of hostility,' replied Bertha. 'I suppose you could count the junior pirate pillow fight contest as hostile,' continued Captain Bill, 'but who's ever heard of a safety pillow!' 'And I got told off for running!' continued Bertha. 'Strange that?' said Captain Bill. 'You haven't even got a pointy sword!.....Do you think I should buy a hook?' 'Why?' 'I don't know,' replied Captain Bill. 'I just get this feeling that I aught to.' 'You don't need one.' added Bertha. 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill, 'I suppose I could nail it up in my cabin and hang my knitted compass on it when I wasn't using it.' Berth...

'And you'd need to make the slotty bits bigger for your molars!' mooed Annie. 'True!' replied Norma. 'Which would make the use of the word fine rather questionable,' continued Annie. 'Conceded,' replied Norma. 'And I'm not sure that teeth like to be combed,' added Annie. 'Mine have never expressed any desire to be.' 'You'd have had a lot of conversations with your teeth?' asked Norma. 'Quite a few over the years,' replied Annie.  'Still,' said Norma, 'as I have explained, as far as I know, there is no such thing.' 'That shouldn't stop us from examining the practical possibilities,' replied Annie. 'There could be a gap in the market!' 'But really I think we should be spending our time searching for clues,' said Norma. Annie ran around Norma several times. 'I don't have any!' said Norma. 'Just checking!' replied Annie. ...

'They'll undoubtedly have formed a plan for disposing of Queen Phoebe's crown,' said Bertha, 'and if Norma and my expectations are correct it'll be a plan of such detailed complexity that we'll have little chance of penetrating through its many fiendish layers.' 'But even so,' added Norma, 'we feel we still have to try.' 'Well there's nothing like talking us up!' replied Captain Bill. 'It's trying to understand the criminal mind that will be crucial,' added Bertha. 'And we still don't know where Cyril's gone to?' asked Captain Bill. 'For such a large bovine he's surprisingly adept at hiding in the shadows,' replied Norma. 'I think our best approach will be to start without him and to look around and see what we can see.' 'We'll have to go across the site with a fine tooth comb,' observed Bertha. Annie raised a hoof. 'Not a real one!' mooed C...