Cow Island

'It's just I've had a word with the lads and they'd rather not,' said Lefty. 'But it'd only be for a couple of hours!' replied Flossie. 'We'd all get to see so much more!' 'Still,' replied Lefty, 'the lads would prefer it if we all went around together...as a flock like.' Flossie sighed. 'We'll spend half our time queueing, you know that don't you!' 'Be more fun though,'  replied Lefty, 'being all together.' '...........................................OK!' bleated Flossie. 'All together it is!' And as one the pirate flock cheered. 'Is it...is it me,' continued Flossie, 'or is it more corporate this year?' 'Suppose it's only to be expected,' replied Lefty, 'must cost a lot to put something like this on. 'Makes it less piratey though,' said Flossie. 'So where do you want to start then?' asked Lefty. 'Du...

'I was managing perfectly well until she interfered!' said Captain Bill. '.....................................................Yes!' replied Norma. 'And I could have got us into that harbour, there were clearly several entrances!' 'I just thought given all the attention we were attracting that it was better to sail past it,' said Norma. 'We would have attracted less attention if we hadn't hit anyone else!' mooed Bertha. 'That wasn't my fault!' replied Captain Bill. 'Some of that parking was rubbish!' 'Perhaps we should just move on?' suggested Norma. 'It's a lovely nice little bay that we've anchored in.' 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill, 'so what next? I can't imagine us keeping a low profile for very long with her Queenship trollying around.' 'I've managed to persuade her to stay onboard the Pickled Hiefer,' replied Norma, 'or at least I think I have?...

'For the last time madame unhoof me!' 'And for the last time they are hands!' 'Then unhoofhand me...I need to steer me ship! 'A bit to port I think!' suggested Queen Phoebe. 'Which just goes to show how little you know madame,' replied Captain Bill, 'you are clearly indicating towards starboliarboliboard! Now who put that ship there? There's a lot of them isn't there! Hey you! Move it! If I hit him it'll be all his fault! 'You just need to turn a little to port,' said Queen Phoebe. 'I think you'll find there's only one captain on this ship!' replied Captain Bill. 'Right!' exclaimed Queen Phoebe. 'That's it!' 'Ah! No! No you don't! Give me back my hat!' 'Queenie's in charge!' replied Queen Phoebe.  'Perhaps everywhere else but not here!' said Captain Bill. 'Now give it back! I could have you thrown in the brig for this!' 'SI...

'I'm trying not to honestly I am!' said Captain Bill. 'They are very sensitive about it,' replied Norma. 'But it's just....' 'I know!' mooed Norma. 'They are very twitchy noses!' 'I keep wanting to beep them!' 'No!' said Norma. 'You mustn't! And they've been sooooo helpful. Bertha spotted the island a couple of hours ago.' 'Do we really need to?' asked Captain Bill. 'Yes we do!' replied Norma. 'We gave our word to get that crown back.' 'I didn't!' said Captain Bill. 'I gave it for you,' replied Norma. 'So kind!' said Captain Bill. 'That's me!' replied Norma. 'Now we'd better be getting on.' 'Yes!' said Captain Bill. 'Of course there will be a harbour to get the Pickled Heifer into.' 'Indeed,' replied Norma. 'Actually I was going to have a word with you about that.' '...

'It's called a coffee table book,' mooed Annie, 'because if you don't like reading it you can use it as a coffee table.' 'Top information!' said Cyril. 'Also,' continued Annie, 'if you took all the pages out and laid them end to end you'd end up with a long line of pages and a completely ruined book...so don't try it!' 'Pearls of wisdom!' replied Cyril. 'I don't remember anything about pearls?' said Annie. 'Perhaps I need to read it again?' 'So what do you remember?' asked Cyril. 'Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr?' said Annie. 'Hedgehogs can't fly, you can fit wheels to them and they make for great pirates except in the autumn when they just want to curl up under a bunch of leaves.' 'I feel I should be taking notes,' replied Cyril. 'You could always borrow the book?' suggested Annie. 'Maybe not this min...

'It's their little noses!' continued Captain Bill. 'I just love they way they twitch them!' 'Actually I think they're a bit sensitive about that,' replied Norma. 'I'd avoid the whole general cuteness thing if I were you.' 'But they are cute!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Really I don't know why you were so worried about meeting them!' 'ME!' mooed Norma. 'You get this pirate thing out of proportion sometimes,' added Captain Bill. 'Really?' replied Norma. 'I have to say I never imagined that they'd be into pirating.' 'If I'm understanding Geraldine properly they're mostly into sub-contracting these days. They tend to take on the...well...small jobs, watching harbours, mending sails, deep penetration nocturnal covert surveillance...that sort of thing.' 'Interesting!' said Captain Bill. 'And apparently running with pointy spines is still OK with t...

'I thought you said we'd keep them a long way away!' mooed Captain Bill. 'That was the intention!' replied Norma. 'They seem to have had different ideas!' 'Muo mont me mu mo mer mope met?' asked Horace. 'Not yet!' replied Norma. 'And how come they suddenly got so close so quickly?' asked Captain Bill. 'I suppose it's just a pirate thing!' replied Norma. 'I guess they must get quite good at sailing up to you.' 'Well they shouldn't be!' said Captain Bill. 'Too late to do anything about it now!' replied Norma. 'We'll just have to play along with them. At least it must mean that our disguises are good enough.' 'Mow?' said Horace. 'Not yet!' replied Norma. '...................Couldn't we just go home?' asked Captain Bill. 'Sorry!' replied Norma. 'Just try to think piratey thoughts!' 'I'm not sure what they are...

'Now let me begin,' began Captain Bill, 'by saying that this has got nothing to do with the fact that you've got wonky horns.' 'You're only saying that because I've got wonky horns!' mooed Annie. Captain Bill looked skyward. 'Strictly speaking that is correct,' observed Norma, 'if Annie didn't have wonky horns there'd be no need for you to point out that what you're about to say has nothing to do with them.' Captain Bill looked skyward and then deckward. 'I don't know why I bother sometimes?' he continued. And Annie fell over sideways and waggled her legs. Captain Bill herded closer to Annie. 'I if,' he said, 'was ever convinced that you behave like this purely to annoy!' And Annie stood up did a little dance and then fell over again. 'The point,' persisted Captain Bill, 'the point is that while none of our costumes are what you might call authentically pirate ...

'To be honest I just don't think it's me!' said Horace. 'Nooooooooooooooo.............,' replied Norma, 'possibly not!' 'I just don't see how it's going to help me write poetry?' '...............................................................................................Actually that's not the reason behind it,' replied Norma. 'Then why wear it then?' asked Horace. 'He's got you there!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Thank you for your input!' replied Norma. 'The bag's quite useful though,' continued Horace. 'Well if you could just wear the patch for a while?' asked Norma. 'If you really want me to?' said Horace. And Norma said that she did. 'And you want me to wear my bathing costume?' asked Captain Bill. 'That would be kind,' said Norma. 'Not sure it'll help me to write any poetry,' said Captain Bill. 'Were you in...

'No!' mooed Norma, 'That's the bits box. I want the big bits box.' 'But I thought that was the big bits box?' said Horace. 'No it's just the bits box,' replied Norma. 'So where's the big bits box?' asked Horace. 'It's by the bits box,' replied Norma. 'But I thought this was the bigger one?' said Horace. 'No,' replied Norma., 'the big bits box is bigger than that that's why it's called the big bits box!' But?' began Horace. 'In my berth by the bunting but before the baskets is the big bits box which was next to the bits box...before you brought it up here,' replied Norma. 'Baskets?' said Horace. 'The baskets!' replied Norma.  'And what's in those?' asked Horace. 'Ooooooh!' replied Norma. 'Buttons mostly!' 'So do you want me to take this back then?' said Horace. 'Yes please,' replied Norma, ...

'Well they do look very piraty!' said Norma. 'Right!' said Captain Bill. 'We'll have to get closer to them to be sure though,' continued Norma. 'I THINK I CAN SEE A DEPRESSED ROGER!' called out Bertha. 'A depressed roger?' mooed Captain Bill. 'It's what pirates fly when they're feeling a bit down,' replied Norma. 'It almost certainly makes them pirates though.' 'So if you're sure they're pirates there's no need to get any closer,' said Captain Bill. 'Well we don't want to run the risk of losing sight of them,' replied Norma. 'Don't we?' asked Captain Bill. 'We can follow them,' replied Norma, 'and they can lead us to the jamboree.' 'So you still want to go to that then?' asked Captain Bill. 'Of course we do!' said Norma. 'We couldn't just...have a holiday or something?' 'But we have to get the crown ...

'And the green bits again?' 'Islands!' mooed Norma. 'OK!' replied Captain Bill. 'Of course we didn't do much of this at captain school.' 'Which has always surprised me,' said Norma. 'Shouldn't need to,' replied Captain Bill. 'If you trust in your knitted compass and use your instincts a good captain should be able to work out where he is.' 'So where are we?' asked Norma. 'Anyway,' continued Norma, 'perhaps trying to use the maps isn't such a bad idea.' 'Hmm,' replied Captain Bill, 'so what's that!' Norma peered at a mark on the map. 'I think it's a dead fly?' 'But it's enormous!' said Captain Bill. 'It's almost the size of that island!' 'No!' replied Norma, 'no, it's not actually a part of the map, it just happens to be on it.' 'Still,' said Captain Bill, 'best if we try to s...

'I suppose it's just one of those things that forever changes the world we live in,' said Cyril. 'Should we expect massive overwhelming press attention?' asked Annie. 'I'd be most surprised if it didn't happen!' replied Cyril. 'I'm often surprised,' said Annie, 'this morning I was quite surprised to find out it was this morning!' 'Life can be like that,' replied Cyril, 'I find it easiest to just accept these things and then eat something.' 'Like a very large sandwich?' suggested Annie. 'That would certainly be high on my list,' replied Cyril, 'unless there was a very, very large sandwich to be had.' 'I'd happily make you one,' said Annie. 'I think you already have!' replied Cyril. 'I was surprised, for a second time today, that nobody else wanted to come and have a look at it,' continued Annie. 'Mmm,' replied Cyril, 'it's alm...

'Are you sure?' asked Horace. 'I'm fine thank you!' replied Captain Bill. 'It doesn't look very comfortable...or safe,' added Horace. 'Really I'm fine,' replied Captain Bill. 'Don't you even have a hammock?' asked Horace. 'I've given it away,' replied Captain Bill. 'It just doesn't seem right for you to be sleeping there,' said Horace. 'Your concern is duly noted,' replied Captain Bill, 'but if we could please get on.' 'Norma wants to know if you'd like to help her?' said Horace. 'I wondered when this would happen,' replied Captain Bill. 'She's trying to work out where we are.' 'I thought she might be,' replied Captain Bill. 'Are you sure your alright there? It's not very wide!' 'I've wedged myself in, there's no risk of me falling.' 'Still!' 'I'M FINE!' 'So shall I ...

'So me and Mr Sir Lord Cyril of Tenbreakfastsaren'tenoughshire are convinced we can get them even higher still!' said Annie. 'Glad to see you haven't just been wasting your time on something frivolous!' replied Norma. 'We wouldn't dream of it,' mooed Annie. 'It's the base width that matters most and you mustn't put too much grass in early on or the pressure from the upper layers squeezes all the juice out and makes them go soggy which results in instability.' Norma nodded her head. 'You seem to have taken sandwich design to a whole new level...in a quite literal sense!' 'Well we just like a challenge,' mooed Annie. 'Indeed!' replied Norma. 'And speaking of challenges I must be getting on.' 'Only after you've finished your sandwiches,' suggested Annie, 'or you may fall over due to lack of sandwicheness.' 'True,' replied Norma, 'but I really do need to get ...

'But you cannot steer with your hooves!' said Captain Bill. 'They're called feet!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Whatever they're called,' replied Captain Bill, 'you cannot steer with them!' 'But I am!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Look! Steer to the left! Steer to the right! Steer to the left! Steer to the right! It's easy!' 'Would you please refrain from doing that!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Sailing a ship is a serious business.' 'You should try running a kingdom!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'My hubby, I do miss 'im, my hubby has to take about eleventy billion decisions a day! Sometimes before breakfast.' 'No doubt he does,' replied Captain Bill, 'I also expect that he would understand how difficult it is to steer a ship.' 'No!' said Queen Phoebe. 'He would say, 'it's easy my little dove, 'ave a bash yourself if you like?' and then he'd lob a choc...

'Oh, that's nice,' mooed Norma, 'you've put an extra Not North on it!' 'I thought she deserved it,' replied Bertha. 'It'll annoy Captain Bill,' added Norma. 'I thought he deserved it,' replied Bertha. 'Mmm,' said Norma, 'well so much for my efforts to keep the peace.' 'I just like to give him something to keep him occupied,' explained Bertha. 'He'd get bored otherwise.' 'Really?' said Norma. 'I like to think so,' replied Bertha. 'Hmm,' said Norma. 'So do you think Queen Phoebe will understand how to use it?' 'About as well as our brave captain does,' replied Bertha. 'Norma was just about to make an observation about Captain Bill's bravery when she was distracted by the unexpected arrival of Horace. 'Hello!' he said. 'Afternoon,' said Norma and Bertha. 'Shouldn't you...shouldn't you be steering?...

'And then I turn the twirly whirly and the ship goes in a different direction,' said Horace. 'You see Captain Whatsisname made it out to be all so difficult,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'and yet from what you're saying it's as easy as easy could be!' 'Well there may be rather more to it than that,' said Horace, 'I'm not really all that interested in it to be honest.' 'No, I'm sure you've understood it completely,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'You know when you're not reading poetry you're actually not that boring to have around.' 'Er........thanks!' said Horace. 'Now I notice that ship over there is going faster than us so we'll need to speed up.' 'Erm...right,' said Horace, 'I'm not sure I can do that with the twirly whirly? It might be better to ask Norma or Bertha.' 'She's the shouty one?' asked Queen Phoebe. 'Indeed,' replied Horace...

'But it's for me!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Can't be helped,' replied Cyril, 'it's the last one, I've checked.' 'But I can't fit into that!' continued Captain Bill. 'Not my fault,' replied Cyril. 'Look I'm not sure why we're discussing this anyway, surely my replacement cabin will come with its own hammock?' 'Nobody said anything about a cabin,' replied Cyril. 'Well obviously there will be a cabin!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Not as far as I'm aware,' replied Cyril. 'But we've got loads of spare cabins!' said Captain Bill. Cyril shook his head. 'Nope!'  'But we must have! It's an enormous ship! There must be one spare cabin!' 'All fully booked,' replied Cyril. 'But there are only 6 of us!' said Captain Bill. '7!' corrected Cyril. '7?' said Captain Bill. 'Are you saying that Geraldine has her ...

'But she does know?' asked Captain Bill. 'She knows it wasn't my fault?' 'I think you made that perfectly clear to her,' replied Norma. 'Good, good!' said Captain Bill. 'I just didn't want there to be any doubts.' 'She's not mentioned it to be honest,' replied Norma, 'I think she's starting to miss King Otto.' 'Well I told her not to come!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Perhaps you did but she's here now and I think we should just do our best to look after her,' replied Norma. 'So I see,' said Captain Bill, '....are those...are those cushions from my cabin?' 'I didn't have enough of my own,' replied Norma. 'And that's my fan!' 'She's a bit hot.' 'So that makes it OK to just help yourself to my stuff?' asked Captain Bill. 'She is a Queen,' replied Norma, 'she's used to a certain standard of living, we may a...