Cow Island

Just for a moment, Norma, Bertha, Horace, Captain Bill and Annie said nothing. They simply stood and gazed at the sight before them. There waiting under a tree, standing next to an elephant, was a bald headed man with a large walrus moustache. 'NORMAN!!!!' screamed Annie rather hysterically. 'Hello,'..........said the elephant in a rather forlorn voice. As one, the Cows and Geraldine herded forward and hugged Norman. And Annie started to slightly vibrate. 'This is my chum Dave by the way,' said Norman and the man next to him gave a little wave. 'But what are you doing staying here?' asked Bertha. 'I'm not staying here,' replied Norman, 'I'm working! I've got a job as a masseur.' 'E's brilliant!' said Dave, 'I never seen trunk work like it! E's a genius!' 'Although of course,' added Norman , 'there is more to an elephant than just a trunk.' And everyone agreed that there was and Annie vib...

'Well I think I just look silly!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' replied Norma, 'but Cyril made things very clear, keep a low profile and try not to attract anyones attention he said. So I just automatically thought of sun glasses.' 'But who ever heard of a sun monocle?' said Captain Bill. 'Not the man at the kiosk,' said Bertha, 'he had to go to a lot of trouble to find that!' 'And we're definitely in the right place?' asked Captain Bill. 'I think so,' replied Norma, 'Cyril said we were to be round the back of the tennis courts at half past two..so that should be just around the next corner. Now let's just try to keep quiet until we get there.' 'Of course you realise this'll be something dodgy,' said Captain Bill. And everybody stopped and said they new perfectly well that it would be. 'Well I'm just saying!' whispered Captain Bill. And with that they turned the last corn...

You've missed him! You've wondered where he was! You've probably not felt complete without him! But now he's back! Iiiiiiiiiiittttttt'ssssssssssssss CYRILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!! Bonjour, mon petite truffles! How are you? Is that a new top you're wearing? Cyril notices these things you know! But now more about me... Am I now even better looking? Silly question! I have, by a process of no work and extra eating, added yet more cuddles to my magnificent form. It's the hotel life you know, some of us (and given my size I'm often mistaken for an 'us') are just born to be pampered. By the way for those of you staying in a hotel here are a few Cyril tips. 1. Always get a room close to the kitchen or preferably in it! 2. Make sure you get a very large bed..by the pool! 3. After arriving contact the hotels food suppliers and order twice what they normally have. To save confusion this is best done using hotel note paper and the manager's signature. Well tha...

'Oh, I really thought you had it that time!' said Norma. 'If it hadn't been for that big wave!' replied Captain Bill. 'Mmmm,' said Norma, 'they can be quite large towards this end of the pool, but I definitely think the salt is helping.' 'Was that all you could get?' asked Captain Bill. 'I'm afraid so,' replied Norma, 'he's only got dry roast left now......would you like a peanut by the way?' 'No I'm OK thanks,' replied Captain Bill, 'is Bertha here yet?' 'She's just coming,' said Norma. 'By the way I've put one of the little boats on top of your hat so it looks a bit like the Pickled Heifer. I thought it might help us all to visualize the situation.' 'Good idea!' said Captain Bill. And at that moment Bertha arrived and Norma asked her for her opinion. 'Well,' said Bertha, 'at the moment it's just a completely useless object floundering about in the wa...

'Are you sure you don't want to have one more try?' asked Norma. 'No I'm fine!' replied Captain Bill, who was talking out of one corner of his mouth. 'But you're hat's going to get all soggy!' said Norma. 'Really,' replied Captain Bill, 'it's not worth worrying about and on the subject of things worth worrying about, I think we aught to have a meeting about what to do next.' 'Well I've already spoken to Bertha,' said Norma, 'she's going to join us in a bit...we could have one last go before she arrives. I'm sure if we just got you up straight you could stay there!' 'Honestly,' replied Captain Bill, 'I'll wait here, it's only because it's not salt water, if it was salt water I'd be fine, it's just without it I slide to one side.' 'I could ask the man at the bar if he has any?' suggested Norma, 'you could play with your boats then.' 'OK,' sai...

Helllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!* Annie here! How are you all? I am mostly fine with extra squidgyness...now what was I going to talk about? Oh, yes! As regular readers will know, we have arrived at a somewhere and Norma (my best friend) says that we will be staying here a while for a little TLC (tea, lounging and cake) after getting down from the very tall thing. It's quite nice here, they have a little inland sea that you can play in and people who do things for you. Also, I am most pleased because we have met up with my chum, El Presidente Sir Cyril of Somewhereimportantshire (this seems to be what the waiter people are calling him) and he has ordered 15 plates of trifle sandwiches on the hour, every hour....even at night!!!!!! So I am now officially 'a happy person'. Perhaps you would like to tell me how you are...unless your life is boring...in which case feel free to make something up!. Thank you Annie *dry roast or salted 'o's now available fro...

'Afternoon!' said Cyril. 'AFTERNOON!' spluttered Captain Bill. 'Well unless I've got the time of day seriously wrong,' replied Cyril,' always possible I suppose?' 'Cyril,' said Norma, 'what are you doing here?' 'Wellllllllll,' replied Cyril, 'relaxing mostly, the occasional dip in the pool, nibbling a fondant fancy or two, moving gracefully through the hotel wine list....that sort of thing.' 'But we've just spent 2 weeks risking life and horn climbing over a very tall thing!' mooed Captain Bill. 'I was practically thrown down a cliff!' 'Oh, did anybody get that on film,' asked Cyril, but everybody else said they didn't. 'Pity!' said Cyril and he took another nibble on a nearby cake. 'But how did you get here?' asked Norma. 'Pleasure boat,' replied Cyril, 'round the island, twice a day, including a very good cup of tea...did you not see the sign?' 'OFC...

'Hopeless! Absolutely hopeless!' mooed Captain Bill as he jogged along. 'Oh I wouldn't be so hard on yourself!' called out Bertha who was just ahead of him. Captain Bill came to an abrupt halt. 'I wasn't talking talking about myself!' he said indignantly,' and the only thing that's been hard on me lately was that cliff wall. 237 bruises! I know, I counted them! And that's just the seperate ones, I didn't bother including the bruises that are actually on top of other bruises!' 'Well you were supposed to push away with your tail!' shouted Bertha, who hadn't stopped jogging and was rapidly disappearing out of sight. 'How could I?' shouted Captain Bill after her,'that was the first thing to get flattened! Look at it! Looks more like a clover leaf than a tail!' 'Oh really!,' said Norma, who had caught up with Captain Bill and was about to pass him,'what's happened has happened, can't we all j...

'Ow!' said Captain Bill. 'Ow!' 'Ow!' 'Ow!' 'Ow!' 'Ow!' 'Ow!' 'Ow!' 'Ow!' 'Ow!'

Hello everybody, Norma here...I'm just having a little break. I think I deserved it! I mean, I don't want to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself but I try so hard to get everybody to work together and I'm sure we could if we tried. Everybody is different and that's a good thing, but we all live together and we should be prepared to make allowances and just try a bit harder to be nice to each other. I'm not sure that all makes sense but you know what I mean. Anyway it's a very pleasent view from up here and the island looks much more inviting, so I'm just going to sit still for a while. I've got a thermos of mint tea and I've opened an emergency 'cake in a can'. So I hope you all have a jolly good day and get to do all the things that you want to. Bye Norma PS Bertha says there's a steep bit coming up so wish us luck!

'Well if he'd just let me get to the end of what I was saying!' said Bertha. 'I know you didn't mean it,' replied Norma, 'I think he was just having one of his down moments and....well sometimes, perhaps you could give a bit more thought to what you're going to say? But 'Hmm!' was all the reply that Bertha made and so for a while they walked on in silence until finally, with one last twist in the path, they found themselves standing at the top of the very tall thing, looking down at the other side. 'There!' said Bertha and she pointed off into the distance. 'It's a town!' mooed Norma excitedly and indeed it was. A town with houses and shops and a harbour and off towards one edge of it, lots and lots of brightly coloured flags which fluttered in the breeze. 'It looks lovely!' added Norma and she waved her tail hat in celebration. It wasn't long before Annie and Horace and Captain Bill joined them and everyone agreed...

Helloo* Annie here! Now I am sometimes accused (by Bertha.......and Captain Bill) of not knowing what's going on. Could I just say, that at the moment, I'm willing to plead guilty! It seems to me that so far, we've parked Mr Ship, gone for a walk and then decided to climb a tall thing....so what's that all about then? I mean Mr Ship is probably quite happy having a paddle but what about the rest of us? Also, to make matters even more confusamable, my chum and legal advisor Mr Sir Cyril of Coolness has gone somewhere else!!! This is a bad thing because, 1. He gives me the giggles. 2. He always has at least 3 large cakes about his person and right now I could do with at least half a sponge. Please supply answers to my questions and cake if you have any. Thank you Annie *regular readers will note the distinct lack of 'o's. I think this is because being on a tall thing they have all rolled to the bottom.

'Oh look! Here she comes now!' mooed Norma and she pointed with her tail at the figure of Bertha who was herding down the last gentle slopes towards them. 'Hum!' said Captain Bill unenthusiastically. 'Oh, I think you could be a bit more welcoming than that!' replied Norma, 'after all we haven't seen her all week.' 'Well,' said Captain Bill, 'it's just that she's so critical of everything!' 'But that's just her way,' said Norma, 'she just likes things done properly and anyway I'm sure she's not always critical.' 'She is!' replied Captain Bill, 'and it's personal. As far as she's concerned I can't do anything right. I try my best to keep everyone up to the same standards as myself and all she does is make remarks!' 'Oh, I think that's being a bit harsh,' said Norma,'I'm sure she'll have missed you. She'll probably have something really nice to s...

Morning all, Captain Bill here, everything under control! Now as you know I like to give the crew a reasonable degree of freedom...builds morale, creates a team, the glue that binds them together, etc, etc! Has anybody seen Cyril? He'll be easy to spot, large, eating, always eating, possibly being chased by people in uniform? If he's trying to sell you something, best to say no! I would appreciate any information. And Bertha! Smaller, agressive, probably having an arguement...I'd advise just going along with whatever she's suggesting. You can always change your mind again afterwards...that's what I do! Apart from that everything is fine...about to make base camp...does anyone know how to make a fire or put one out? Enjoy! Captain Bill

'So what's that then?' asked Captain Bill. 'It's just a branch moving in the tree!' replied Norma. 'Oh!' said Captain Bill, 'well what about that over there?' 'That's just the grass swaying in the breeze,' said Norma. 'Really I don't think there actually are any hostile savages...and the grass is quite tasty, I may make some sandwiches with it when we stop for a break.' 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill. 'Anyway,' added Norma, 'you should be up here at the front, you are captain after all!' 'Yes,' replied Captain Bill, 'that's a common misconception...about being up in front. A leader needs to be able to have time to view the bigger picture, make the critical judgement and ensure that everything is going according to plan!' 'Like making sure that we all stay together and nobody wanders off?' suggested Norma. And for a while they walked on in silence. 'Of course you realise,...

Morning all, Bertha here, I'm having a little climb. I rather like being up above everything, it feels rather like my natural environment, the sort of place that I should always be.....like being allowed to get on with my JOB IN THE COWS NEST!!!!! SO THAT THE SHIP DOESN'T CRASH!!!! There, that's better! I have to say it's a very good view that you get from up here and of course I want to know what's on the other side of the hill. Now if any of you are thinking of having a climb do take care. You'll need a rope...or two and perhaps a couple of chums to take with you and don't forget that it can get cold so remember to pack some hoof mittens. Well I hope you have a nice day and do keep an eye out for me, it might be your island that I'm climbing on! Bye for now Bertha

'But did we really need to bring them all ashore?' asked a rather puzzled Captain Bill who seemed to be surrounded by boxes. 'Oh I think so!' replied Norma. 'But at any moment we could, as you pointed out, be facing a hoard of hostile natives!' said Captain Bill. 'All the more reason to be wearing a nice hat!' replied Norma, 'a nice hat can have a very calming effect. 'Hmmm?' said Captain Bill, who was not entirely convinced. 'Anyway,' he continued, 'we should be concentrating on more important things. Thrown up onto an unexplored island, not knowing what we might encounter! We shall need to have absolute discipline, stay together, work as a team!' 'Where Cyril?' asked Norma. 'Who cares?' replied Captain Bill, 'soon as we hit the beach he was gone, he's probably seeing if he can sell us to anybody!' 'And Bertha?' asked Norma. 'Went ahead,' said Captain Bill, 'I didn...

'Well we didn't sink! said Captain Bill rather positively. Everyone looked over the side of the ship at the rather large rocks that the Pickled Heifer had come to rest upon. 'If you'd left me on duty where I belong!' began Bertha, but Norma quickly suggested that they gave the whole blame thing a miss and concentrated on what to do next. 'So what shall we do next?' she said. And by a show of tails, everyone agreed that they might as well go and have a look around the rather large island who's reef they were now stranded on. So Bertha and Horace and Norma started to gather a few things together, while the others put them into the Jolly boat. 'Of course, once we get there, we'll need to keep a sharp lookout!' suggested Norma. 'What for?' asked Captain Bill. 'All sorts,' replied Norma, 'giant creatures, savages....those sort of things!' And Captain Bill said he thought it might be a good idea if somebody stayed onboard......

'Well,' said Horace,'I had a little bit of trouble with the second stanza because I couldn't find anything to rhyme with thermometer, but it worked out rather well in the end.' 'Excellent!' replied Captain Bill. 'I think,' continued Horace rather shyly, 'I think Norma liked it...she said it made her feel much better.' 'Wonderful!' said Captain Bill, 'It's just...and don't take this the wrong way...it's just, when I asked you if you had anything to report I was expecting something a bit more...well...nautical!' 'Nautical?' asked Horace. 'Mmm,' replied Captain Bill, 'you know, ships spotted from the top of the mast, vast new islands on the horizon, a big sign saying 'This Way', that sort of thing.' 'But the poem was about Norma!' explained Horace. 'Of course,' said Captain Bill, 'my mistake!' 'Is that all then?' asked Horace, who was keen to get along. ...

'But I don't know the first thing about writing poetry!' exclaimed Bertha. 'Mand uw sey Howice wis wup win der kwos mest?' asked Norma. 'Pardon?' replied Bertha. 'I said,' said Norma, who had taken the thermometer out of her mouth. 'And you say Horace is up in the cows nest?' 'Yes!' replied Bertha, 'I mean what's the point of that? I thought Captain Bill was swapping us around so that I could come down and look after you!' 'No Annie's doing that,' said Norma. 'It's only a bit of a chill anyway. I'll be fine in a day or two and Cyril made me some lovely grass soup with a touch of clover brandy in it!' 'Well I could have stayed where I was then!' said Bertha and Norma agreed that she could. 'So,' asked Norma after a moment or two, 'if you're down here and Horace is up there...and Annie's looking after me and Cyril's cooking soup....who's actually steering the s...

Right......hello.....and a very good morning to you all. I don't usually do these sort of blogs but Norma's not feeling very well and so Captain Bill has asked me to come up here while Bertha's looking after Norma. I'm not sure why anybody needs to be up here really? It's quite nice though....just a few birds flying around....I imagine it could be quite depressing in the rain. I thought I could write a poem for Norma while I'm up here...I write rather a lot of poems about Norma. Incidentally if any of you are poetry publishers and want to see any of my work I'd be happy to pop something into the post for you...it really wouldn't be a problem! Well I think that's about all...do have enjoyable days...whatever it is you do. Pip, pip! Horace

Morning all, your Captain speaking! Now part of being a top captain is knowing how to deal with the occasional crisis and I'm happy to report that once again, I'm there when there is one! The key to solving this particular situation is down to my intimate knowledge of the crew. Knowing each persons strengths and weaknesses as I do, I'm swiftly able to make the changes that will keep this ship on course! Norma (reliable, clear headed) has gone sick! Now I blame this on the female need to try to lose weight and so I've issued orders, that from now on, nobody is to have less than 7 breakfasts. That'll soon build her back up and get her returned to duty. But in the meantime... I've made one or two changes to the duty roster. Remember, even if you're not in command of a 1st rate ship, these lessons can easily be applied to whatever workplace you happen to find yourself in. Think postive, think Captain Bill! Thank you!

Hellllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (I am using pickled 'o's as fresh ones are not available when at sea) It's Annie here. Now as you will all know, we are going off to collect our chum, Norman. This is EXCITING!!!! Actually on the official Annie scale of excitingness it scores a huge, great big 10! It's so exciting I have to stop myself from stampeding around my hammock (not easy). I'm sure that you'll all like Norman...I may even put a bet on it with my bookie, Mr Sir Cyril of the Turf. Some of you have been kind enough to ask who Norman actually is, so I thought I would draw you a picture. I like drawing pictures....sometimes when you draw pictures they can be of things that are real...like Norman or things that you've just had a dream about...like nose pixies (my best friend Norma said it was just a dream...that's Norma not Norman, I have no idea what Norman's view is on nose pixies, I shall ask him when I see him). So I have my pencils and c...

'Well left a bit then!' said Captain Bill. 'But that is Port!,' replied Norma. 'Is it?' asked Captain Bill. 'Have we not changed the clocks yet then?' And Norma said that they hadn't. 'Pirate ship ahead!' called out Bertha from the cows nest. 'Arrrggghhhh!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Just kidding!' called down Bertha. 'I do wish she wouldn't keep doing that!' said Captain Bill. But just then Annie arrived. 'Helllloooooooooooo!' she said, 'Cyril says to tell you that he's put the bits of the harbour wall in your cabin and does anyone want any a 5th breakfast?' 'Why does it always have to be my cabin?' asked Captain Bill. Annie didn't know, but everyone decided that they aught to have a 5th breakfast. Captain Bill took several deep breaths and paced the deck for a while....until. 'Excuse me,' said Horace. 'Yes?' said Captain Bill. 'We need to go back,' sai...

'I really don't see why we have to pay to get in?' said a disgruntled Captain Bill. 'Crowd control,' replied Cyril with a smile. 'Crowd control!' mooed Captain Bill. 'There are only 4 of us...and Horace fell asleep 10 minutes ago!' At this Annie herded into the audience and poked Horace with a pointy stick. 'It's important!' she said, before returning to her place. 'Get on with it!' called out Bertha. So that's what Cyril did! 'M'lud!' began Cyril, 'clearly I am innocent...' 'It's not a trial!' said Norma and Cyril apologised. 'Sorry,' he said, 'force of habit. Right before I begin again, can I give thanks to my team, who consist of little Annie and young Geraldine, from whom refreshments are available. And here Geraldine gave a quick dance and held up her tray of drinks and ices. 'Oh that's nice!' said Norma and everyone agreed. 'Now to continue,' continued Cy...

Hello everyone, Norma here! I say, it is getting a bit chilly here in the mornings. I shall have to look out my hat and scarf soon. The summer seems such a long time ago already! Anyway, I'm afraid that I do need to issue an apology for the content of yesterday's blog. It did contain scenes which were not of a suitable nature for people who don't like that sort of thing! I've had a little chat with both Bertha and Captain Bill and they've both promised to try not to shout at each other for a bit. I often think that if we all just herded back a little and made an effort to remain calm that the world would be a much nicer place. Finally, I can bring you the very good news that Cyril and Annie have been having a bit of a rummage around and think they might have found where Norman is. So that'll be something to look forward to won't it! Well I'd better let you get on, do have a wonderful day. Norma