Cow Island

'And you're seriously asking me to stop?' asked Cyril. 'Yes!' said Captain Bill. 'Even though I'm barely half way through my assessment?' 'Still,' replied Captain Bill, 'as your captain, I am asking you to cease.' 'Hmm?' pondered Cyril. 'As your captain,' repeated Captain Bill. 'Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll,' said Cyril. 'If you're sure?' 'Oh, yes!' replied Captain Bill. 'I suppose you have the authority?' 'I do!' 'And you must have your reasons?' 'It is at Ms Camille's request.' 'Ah!' said Cyril. 'I see.' 'So if you'd oblige?' 'Of course,' replied Cyril. 'Your wish is my......' 'Thank you!' mooed Captain Bill and he turned to go. 'She'll be very grateful,' said Cyril. 'Mmm?' 'I was just thinking, she'll be very grateful...Ms Cami...

'Ooooh!' said Norma. 'Ooooh!........................Ooooooh!......Oooh!' 'Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!' mooed Annie. 'What are you doing?' asked Norma. 'Joining in!' replied Annie. 'Although I don't recognise the tune.' 'There isn't one,' said Norma. '..........Oooooh!' 'If you run out of 'O's I'll lend you some.' 'I'll try not to.' 'Are you OK for 'H's?' 'Fine!' replied Norma. 'Why?......Oh why?........Oh why?' 'Hmmm?' said Annie. 'Tricky! Is it something to do with hippopotomouses on bicycles?' 'No, not really,' replied Norma. 'How about making trifles up mountains?' Norma gave just the tiniest shake of her head. 'The failure of foreign policy? The number of trees around rings? Baldness in bricks?' 'No!' said Norma. 'Perhaps,' Annie speculated, 'th...

'So! At last you are 'ere,' mooed Camille. 'Indeed!' replied Captain Bill. 'Covered in scratches?' 'Indeed!' replied Captain Bill. 'And smelling of stagnant water?' 'Indeed!' replied Captain Bill. '..................................Waiting?' '...................I was fighting dragons.' 'There is like....no....such....thing!' 'That's what I'd always thought,' replied Captain Bill. 'And then, there I was, herding along, thinking about how nice it would be to see you again and I just encountered them.' 'I am suspecting, based on previous situations, that you 'ave encountered nothing more than a fifty hoof high pile of, fire breathing, numptiness!' 'Nice washing!' 'Nice washing?' 'All clean.' 'Washing usually is.' 'I love the smell of clean washing in the morning, don't you?' 'OK! I am, in ma ...

'That really is some list!' said Flossie. 'I've ticked the essentials,' replied Lefty. 'We don't have to get the other stuff, but it would be nice.' 'Not sure we'll be able to carry it all anyway?' said Flossie. 'Aha!' bleated Lefty. 'Item number one on the list!' And he held up the list for Flossie to see. 'If we start by stealing that we can put everything else in it.' 'Genius!' replied Flossie. 'I aim to please,' said Lefty. 'So we can get everything?' 'Hoping so,' replied Lefty. 'Top pirating!' said Flossie. 'Well, as far as I can see, it's full sail ahead.' 'Lads are very much up for it,' replied Lefty. 'But they were wondering, no pressure here,  if you'd decided how we're going to get in?' 'Had a think about it,' explained Flossie. 'And there's a big main entrance. Thought we might just walk th...

'And...and...and another thing......if....if he likes me, why doesn't he just say so? Why doesn't, why doesn't......................where've you gone?                  There you are!!! You're tiny! You're tiny, tiny...tiny..............tiny person!                                           And and another thing...if, if he likes me. Have I already said this? Wellitdoesn'tmatter...if, if he likes me.       Have you always been this small? Cus when, when, when..........................What was I saying? It was, it was, no, no, it was...or was it? Anyhow, why doesn't he...You're tiny! I was tiny once, ages and ages ago, I was, I was about this big. Oooh! Everything moved! Everything went movey, movey. Do try to stand still when you're moving, please. Pleased to be sitting, standing, still because otherwise............otherw...

'Hmm,' said Cyril, 'I think I begin to see where you're going wrong.' 'By feeding you an endless supply of ma best wine?' replied Camille. 'You'll be thanking me soon enough,' said Cyril. 'I think you'll find it very educational.' 'Well, it's certainly a lesson that neither maself or ma little students will ever forget,' replied Camille. Cyril took a long draw through both straws and thought for a while. 'Could you open another bottle of the '04?' he asked. 'But you 'ave already 'ad 3 bottles!' mooed Camille. 'Really?' replied Cyril. 'Best open 2 then. It normally takes me at least 5 bottles to assess a vintage.' But Camille was saved from the dilemma of whether or not to open the bottles by the timely arrival of Norma. 'Just thought I'd pop by and see how things are going?' she said. 'Fine from where I'm standing,' replied Cyril. ...

'I want to make it quite clear that I'm only here because Norma asked me to be.' said Bertha. 'Fine,' replied Captain Bill. 'Just make sure nobody goes off with me hat.' 'I can't imagine anyone wanting it.' 'Well, you'd be surprised then,' continued Captain Bill. 'They're very sought after.' 'In that case, perhaps we could sell it?' replied Bertha. 'For sale, one hat, size 64, would suit idiot.' 'If I wasn't down here!' 'But you are,' mooed Bertha. 'At least you are until we get you out.' 'I can get myself out whenever I want to!' 'No point in us being here then,' said Bertha. 'You are quite a long way down,' trumpeted Norman. 'It's intentional,' replied Captain Bill. 'I thought, while I'm in here, I could see how safe it is.' 'And how safe is it?' asked Norman. '.................................

'They still didn't have any of those vanilla wafers,' bleated Lefty. 'That's poor,' replied Flossie. 'In this day and age there's really no excuse for not maintaining a reasonable stock level.' 'Apparently they were expecting a new consignment but the ship was attacked by pirates.' 'The irony of the situation is not lost upon me,' sighed Flossie. 'But anyway,' continued Lefty, 'while we were on the way back, Dave spotted the catalogues, in one of those weatherproof plastic things outside the factory.' 'Nicely explained,' said Flossie. 'I tried to do it as naturally as possible,' replied Lefty. 'Mission accomplished!' said Flossie. 'So, on with the brochure perusal?' 'At first glance it's even better than we'd hoped.' 'Indeed!' replied Flossie. 'I don't think I've been this excited since the last time I was this excited.' Hoo...

'I'm just looking after them while Camille's busy,' said Norma. Oh!..............OK!' replied Horace. 'I just need to keep them entertained.' 'Perhaps I could read them some poetry?' suggested Horace. 'That would be nice,' replied Norma.  'I've written quite a lot since we've been away. How about 'The Darkening Gloom of My Soul?' 'Erm?'  'The there's 'Let Me Not Live Another Day,' or 'Hope, My Only Friend is Lost' or 'Crushed I Lie, Distrou...' 'Or we could just sit in the sun?' mooed Norma. 'Would it be alright if I continued writing?' 'You don't think it might be healthy to take a break?' 'Then what would I do?' 'Well, just sit with me,' replied Norma. 'We could show Camille's little students how to make daisy chains.' 'I think I'd rather write.' 'But making daisy chains is somet...

'But 'ow does me buying 150 clockwork chickens 'elp me run a vineyard?' asked Camille. 'Many, badly informed, people would ask exactly the same question,' replied Cyril. 'Maybe I could meet them?' suggested Camille. 'We would 'ave something in common.' 'They cost almost nothing to run,' continued Cyril. 'I am still thinking a great big, ten hoof high, non!' replied Camille. 'Which is where you'd be making a serious error,' said Cyril. 'I've invested everything I have into steam driven quail,' mooed Annie. 'And have you regretted it?' asked Cyril. 'I am a happier, calmer, person and may run for election,' read Annie from a printed card. 'See!' said Cyril. 'What better recommendation could you ask for?' 'And my horns are shinier after just 3 treatments,' added Annie. 'It just keeps getting better!' said Cyril. 'But ma 'orn...

'How an earth did you get in there?' asked Norma. 'It wasn't easy,' replied Captain Bill. 'Well you'll be getting yourself out. I don't have time to help you.' 'Perhaps we could just leave him there?' suggested Bertha. 'But you can't hide from her forever,' continued Norma. 'You know that don't you?  'I have absolutely no intention of meeting her,' mooed Captain Bill. 'She's already been asking after you,' replied Norma. ' 'ow is ma brave Capitaine Bile?' mimicked Bertha. Give her some sort of excuse,' said Captain Bill. 'Such as?' asked Norma. '............................................................I'm dead!' 'Could be arranged,' said Bertha. 'Tell her I died fighting dragons!' 'I doubt she'll believe me,' replied Norma. 'Ill then,' continued Captain Bill. '....................with something...

'I just don't want you taking advantage of the situation,' explained Norma. 'ME?' exclaimed Cyril. 'You!' replied Norma. 'Never even crossed my mind,' said Cyril. 'Mr Lord Sir Cyril of Cashupfrontshire would never do anything like that,' mooed Annie. 'See!' said Cyril. 'An unsolicited testimonial!' 'Best put an ice pack on it,' said Annie. 'If we could concentrate?' continued Norma. 'Camille's a lady of...reasonable standards and I don't want you doing anything to lower them...any further than they already gone.' 'I give you my word,' said Cyril. 'I could give you lots of words,' added Annie. 'Saucepan, Friday, effervescent, bum, spinach...' 'Probably enough,' said Norma. 'You're the boss!' replied Annie. 'but do say if you want any more. I've got a bunch starting with 'w' that are going out of date. I could do...

'And so I found myself thinking, would it really be so wrong to invest all the school funds into buying ma own vineyard?' explained Camille. 'Well?' mooed Norma. 'After all it would still be an 'ighly educational, hooves on, experience for ma little students.' 'True!' said Norma. 'And I certainly, never for a moment, considered them as a source of cheap, 14 hours a day, every 4th weekend off, type labour.' 'Errrrrr?' said Norma. 'And they still get all the usual lessons,' continued Camille. 'Writing? Those bottle labels don't do themselves! Maths? 'ow many bottles can we squeeze out of that barrel? Chemistry? If we add that will we kill anyone? Religion? Let's all pray that their parents don't find out! And all in the 'ealthy outdoors.' 'Right,' said Norma. 'And the physical exercise is a 'no brainer'!' 'You don't think some people might see it a...

'Ooooooooh? It was a long time ago,' said Flossie. 'I suppose, history, geography, blowing enemy vessels out of the water...and needlework.' 'Needlework?' bleated Lefty. 'Wouldn't have been putting my last doubloon on that!' 'Just had a knack for it,' replied Flossie, 'and did consider it as a career option but then my Pirate teacher persuaded me that I'd be better off doing evil laugh lessons so I never pursued it.' 'Good skill to have though.' 'Still mend my own eye patches,' replied Flossie. 'But to go back to your original question, I never bother with languages. Just wasn't my thing.' 'Not really my cup of tea either,' bleated Lefty, 'I can remember odd bits and pieces and for some reason I've always hung onto one of those translating dictionaries.' 'Glad you did!' replied Flossie. 'Who'd have thought we'd end up somewhere foreign? So what hav...

'It's sooo lovely to see you again!' mooed Norma. 'Likewise, ma bizarre foreign friends,' replied Camille. 'Myself and my, strangely still small, never getting any bigger despite the passage of time, little students are most pleased to be re-acquainting ourselves with you.' 'Are you well?' asked Bertha. 'Indeed!' confirmed Camille. 'In a 'let's bulk things out with trivial chit chat before getting on with the story line type conversation', I can report that we are all 'up and doing' 'ere! And yourselves?' 'We're fine,' replied Norma. 'Bravo!' mooed Camille. 'And no doubt yourselves and your glorious leader Capitaine Bile are on some sort of preposterous and thinly plotted, readership trailing off, type adventure?' 'You could say so,' replied Bertha. 'And I 'ave!' said Camille. 'And your reason for being here?' asked Norma. 'Well, ...

'I think they're lovely!' said Norma. 'I found them at the edge of the field,' replied Bertha. 'I wish I could wear multiple hats.' You do need a certain length of horn,' replied Bertha, 'and I'll add more ribbon if I can find some.' And Norma was just about to look into her bag for some more ribbon when Norman arrived. 'Nice hats!' he said. 'Thanks,' replied Bertha. 'Could do with some more ribbon though.'  And the ladies nodded their heads and no hats fell off. 'So,' continued Norman, 'any more clues?' 'No,' said Norma. 'I suppose it was rather a long shot to hope that they'd keep dropping things. I fear the trail has gone cold.' 'I suppose so,' replied Norman. 'Pirate sheep have never been known for making unforced litter related errors.' 'Have you spotted anything from up there?' asked Bertha. 'Nothing,' replied Norman...

'You did say we'd stay together,' bleated Lefty. 'We are!' replied Flossie. 'He's only just over there.' It's quite a distance.' 'Never!' cried Flossie. 'Look! You can see him from here, sitting on the wall. He could turn around now and give us a wave. Strange how he's still slightly threatening and Hooky's gone halfway. It's no distance at all.' 'Lads still get nervous about that sort of thing,' said Lefty. 'Well we couldn't all go! It'd defeat the whole object. How could we all go on a recce and then come back and tell ourselves what we'd just seen? Be silly!' 'I suppose you're right,' replied Lefty. 'Good! Now, while he's gone, we can all relax and wait................................Did you have sugar in yours?' 'Two!' 'I think I must have it then.' 'They normally put a little mark on the top.' 'Can't see o...

'Ah!' said Captain Bill. 'I didn't think it would take you long to put in an appearance.' 'I was worried about you,' replied Cyril. 'I said as much to Horace. I must go and see how they are, I said, you follow on when you're ready.' 'And what aspect of us being in a vineyard was causing you particular concern?' asked Captain Bill. 'So many potential hazards,' replied Cyril. 'You could easily catch your hat on a twig.' 'Or slip on a slightly larger than usual grape?' suggested Captain Bill. 'Could happen,' said Cyril. 'Well it'll come as some relief to you then to find that we're all OK.' 'Indeed!' said Cyril. 'Might as well stick around though, now that I'm here. Introduce myself to the locals, whoever they might be?' 'Vinelandianians!' mooed Annie. 'Quite possibly,' agreed Cyril. 'Captain Thingimy has already made friends with ...

'We should have left sooner,' mooed Horace. 'Possibly,' replied Cyril. 'And I shouldn't have had that last lemon drizzle cake,' 'No you shouldn't,' agreed Cyril. 'I should have.' Do you think they're very far ahead of us?' 'Does it matter?' 'I worry about them, well, Norma mostly.' 'They'll be fine,' replied Cyril. 'They've got Norman with them. There's no need to rush. Actually, I could do with  a nap.' But we've only just got going!' 'In my experience, it's best to have a nap as soon into a journey as you can, or better still, forget the journey and stay at home, put your hooves up and eat something substantial.' 'They might be just over that next rise?' suggested Horace. Well, why don't you run ahead and have a look and I'll make a thorough investigation of the grass under this tree.' 'I'm not sure I want to g...

'Are we absolutely sure we want to...' 'Yes!' mooed Bertha. 'Yes!' agreed Norma. 'I can see my tail!' added Annie and then she fell over and nibbled at some grass that was in front of her. 'I think you could have at least let me finish,' said Captain Bill. 'Why?' asked Bertha. 'Because it would have shown some respect,' replied Captain Bill. 'I think you've answered your own question there,' said Bertha. 'And anyway,' continued Captain Bill, 'they'll be miles ahead of us.' 'But we can track them,' replied Norma and she indicated the magnifying glass that had been fixed to a small trolley (although she had to walk around Annie first). 'And you think that'll work?' asked Captain Bill. 'It already has,' replied Norma and this time it was Geraldine who did the pointing, which was towards a crumpled piece of paper that lay just out of Annie's nibb...

Flossie stood, stood quietly, the early morning sun caressing and warming his soft white fleece. He sighed, closed his one good eye and drew a long, deep breath. A tiny black and yellow body buzzed about him, landed on his ear and preened and worked the pollen that hung from its velvet legs. Time drifted. He opened his eye again and gazed around him. The grass, strewn with diamond droplets, twinkled and shone. All was peace. Life was good. 'At last!' he bleated. '................Pastures new! 'Where?' asked Lefty. 'Here,' said Flossie. 'I thought they looked rather old,' replied Lefty. 'No, no I was speaking metaphorically,' said Flossie. 'Oh right!' replied Lefty. And once more Flossie closed his eye and breathed deeply. But the moment had passed and he simply got pollen up his nose which made him sneeze and the bee stung his ear. 'Right,' said Flossie, 'suppose we'd better get on with something?...

'Fifteen...or was it sixteen? Sixteen! Sixteen of them it took to hold me down,' mooed Captain Bill. 'Really?' said Bertha. 'I was fine up to a dozen,' continued Captain Bill, 'but after that.' 'Sooooooooooooooo brave,' said Norma. 'He kept fainting!' called out Cyril. 'He's confused,' said Captain Bill. 'Post Pirate Sheep Disorder, it's a widely recognised condition.' 'Is it?' asked Bertha. 'I only gave up in the end because I was worried for the others.' 'So thoughtful,' said Norma. 'And after that?' 'I'd rather not say,' replied Captain Bill. 'It was all rather unpleasant. They tried to make me talk.' 'By rubbing cake crumbs into your hat?' said Norma. 'Really,' replied Captain Bill, 'there's nothing to be gained by going back over it. How about yourselves? It must have been difficult without me?' 'It ...

'Can you see anyone?' whispered Norma. 'No!' replied Bertha. 'Can you?' 'No!' said Norma. 'I can!' mooed Annie. '...............................................Are they real?' asked Norma. 'They are to me,' replied Annie. 'Do they look like pirate sheep?' asked Bertha. 'One's big and grey,' replied Annie. 'That's Norman,' said Norma. 'Can you see him as well then?' asked Annie. 'Yes!' Norma. 'We're standing on him,' added Bertha. 'Hello!' trumpeted Norman. 'I think we should try to concentrate on the mission,' continued Bertha. 'Of course,' replied Norma. 'What do you think we should do?' 'I'm not sure,' replied Bertha. 'It could be a trap.' But before anyone could say anything else, Geraldine hopped off of Norman and skipped up and down the deck of the Pickled Heifer. 'Or ma...

'Cushions!' said Cyril. 'Pardon?' said Horace. 'Cushions!' repeated Cyril. 'I need to get more cushions.' 'You seem to have plenty already,' said Horace. 'A gentleman,' replied Cyril, 'can never have too many cushions.' 'Gentleman?' mooed Captain Bill. 'Now as I've told you before,' replied Cyril, 'if you're not happy you can leave whenever you're ready.' 'And may I remind you,' said Captain Bill, 'that this is MY ship!' 'Perhaps you could pop upstairs and tell the woolly folk that?' replied Cyril. 'Now, as I'm not one to harbour a grudge and as you are my guests.............who's for cake? You can decline if you wish.' 'May I have a slice of lemon drizzle?' asked Horace. 'Slice!' exclaimed Cyril. 'We don't deal in slices! Slicing requires knives and knives get dirty and then they need washing. I can't be...