Cow Island

'Just another dozen and I'll be fine,' Norman trumpeted. 'Are you sure?' Annie asked. 'Mr Lord Sir Cyril made himself ill by under eating.' 'Did he?' 'I think he did,' Annie replied. 'I have a memory of him doing so which means it may have actually happened.' 'I can remember that 673 days ago he ate 15 Dundee cakes in 5 minutes and 32 seconds and I'm sure that happened.' 'That's because you are an elephant!!!!!' Annie mooed and she put down her bun shovel and gave Norman yet another huge hug. 'Thanks,' said Norman. Mon pleasureables,' Annie replied. 'And now, while the next munch of buns are baking, I shall listen to tales of your most recent times.' 'There's not much to tell really,' Norman began. 'Her Queenshipfulness tends to keep me busy. 'Norman, lift this with your trunk.' 'Norman, move that with your trunk.' It's almost entirely t...

Captain Bill wandered up to the top of the slope so that he could be with the others. 'And so, if you were one of ma little students,' he heard Camille saying, 'I would be giving you a big gold star for your touristic disguise.' 'I was confident that it worked but it's always good to have a second opinion,' Bertha replied. 'And yourself, I notice that you've changed from a sophisticated Coral Candy to a cheap, trashy, Candy Coral.' 'So nice of you to notice,' Camille said, 'UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE!!!! Who shall remain nameless, CAPITAINE BILE!!' Capitaine Bile wandered back down the slope so that he could be alone. 'And I notice that you 'ave with you.....?' 'Horace,' Bertha prompted. 'Yes, 'orace!' 'No, Horace!' Horace mooed. 'Which means that we are almost all back together,' Camille continued. 'Yes,' Bertha replied, 'I've not seen Norma for a whil...

'Har! Har! Har! Wooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooo!' Flossie bleated. 'Having fun?' Lefty called up to him. 'Hhhhaven't hhhhhad ssssoooo mmmmuccchhhh ffffuunnnnnn innnnnnn yyyearrrrssssss!' Flossie called back. 'Lloooooookkkk ooutttttt, ssssppinnn ccccyyycccclllleeee cccoooomminnnnngggg uuuppppp! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Aaaccctttuaaalllyyyy ccoouuulldddd yyyooouuuuu tttuuuurrrnnn iiiitttt offfffff ffffoorrrr aaaa mmmmmooooooo!!!!' Lefty lent over and tapped the pause button. 'Phew! That's better!' Flossie gasped. 'So, plenty of filthy loot still rolling in?' 'I'm getting it washed as quickly as I can,' Lefty replied. 'Excellent! To be honest I've always been slightly annoyed that people get their loot so dirty. There's no need for it.' 'Most of the marks are washing out and once they're ironed they're perfectly usable.' 'Brilliant!' 'Th...

'Really,' Queen Phoebe began, 'One don't mind hiding if One has too but to be separated from One's hubby for so long....' 'It must be a great trial for you,' Norma sympathised. 'One gets the right hump about it and his Kingshipfulness will be out of his mind with worry about me.' 'Have you had no communication with him at all?' 'Not a peep! One had only popped orf for a few hours to check a few things. One don't think to take along an emergency homing haddock just in case the island One goes to visit gets stolen while you're on it.' 'I suppose not,' Norma replied. 'If it hadn't been for having Norman with me, One don't know what One would have done.' 'He must have been a great comfort to you.' 'True!' Queen Phoebe said. 'Although he has got a bit moany since the buns ran out.' 'Hardly surprising.' 'I suppose not and he spoke very wisely, ...

'Gosh! It's just so good to see you,' Norma mooed. 'Likewise,' Norman replied. 'I would never have know it was you if you hadn't moved.' 'My trunk got itchy. The leaves tickle it and then, if I don't move, I end up sneezing and then the branches fall off.' 'You need to talk to Annie about being a tree, she's around here somewhere.' 'How is my old chum?' 'Hmm, she's still Annie.' 'Enough said,' Norman trumpeted. 'So, how do you come to be here?' Norma asked. 'And where is 'here'?' 'This is one of King Otto's minor islands. We were on it when it was stolen so we went into hiding. We've just been watching developments since then.' 'Is it Flossie?' 'I'm afraid so,' Norman replied. 'I didn't think we could tackle them on our own and we couldn't send for help.' 'A tricky situation.' 'And we...

'A pair of sunglasses?' Horace mooed. Norma shifted slightly uneasily. 'As I explained to the others, I think they make me look very touristy.' 'You made me wear this hat!' 'Only because it was right for you.' 'It's hardly the same as a pair of sunglasses!' 'Honestly,' Norma said, 'it wasn't my intention to cause you any embarrassment..it's just a hat.' Horace huffed to himself. 'So, what are we doing now?' he asked. 'Hiding,' Norma replied. 'I just need you to stay out of sight while we make sure of what's going on.' 'Hide!..In this hat?' 'If you could try?' 'I don't see how I can.' 'Well, it might be easier than you think.' 'People will be able to see me for miles.' 'Not necessarily,' Norma replied. 'You just need to find something tall to hide behind.' 'Such as?' 'I don't know....

'Ah! There you are!' 'Indeed!' Camille replied. 'Myself and ma little students are all ashore and land shaped.' 'Wonderful!' 'In just a few moments I shall be finished and we will be ready to rejoin the adventure.' 'And you are?' ' 'Doing ma face' is 'ow it is commonly referred to.' 'Right.............clearly important.' 'Of course! A lady must look 'er best at all times. And ma brave Capitaine Bile, 'ow is 'e? No doubt 'e 'as been scouting ahead for an opportunity to find wrongdoers and fight with them a duel to the death to defend the 'onour of the one 'e secretly desires?' 'Erm, not quite got that far yet,' Captain Bill replied. 'It's been more scouting in the rear areas up to now. Secure the base camp, that type of thing. You know I'm not entirely convinced about this whole pirate, stolen island, idea and I'm glad to see that yo...

Captain Bill wondered whether he would regret having the conversation. He looked at Annie. He began to speak but hesitated. He began to speak for a second time but again he hesitated. 'That....that is a roll of wallpaper that you've got wrapped around you?' Annie did a little dance which Captain Bill took to be a confirmation. 'And that....thing on your head....is it real?' 'If you think it is,' Annie replied. 'And the whole ensemble is because?' 'Norma Nice Person asked me to dress like a rich tourist and then hide myself in a bush.' 'Even when you know!' Captain Bill muttered. 'Is there a problem?' Annie asked. 'Your call is important to us.' 'There are so many things,' Captain Bill replied. 'And the other half of the double act? Norma dropped you off together I believe?' 'If you mean Sir Lord Cyril VC and Snack Bar?' 'Yes,' Captain Bill interrupted, 'him. ...

'But I never felt that I had the parental support that I needed so I gave it up in the end and went in to full time evilness,' Flossie concluded. 'Well,' Lefty replied, 'sad if you had your heart set upon it but the world of competitive crocheting's loss was our gain.' 'I'd like to think that I've repaid the flock for the faith it's shown in me. Anyway, enough of my life story. How's everything going with the plan? I see Harriet's back with us.' 'Thought it was the perfect role for her. Meet and greet is always a tricky one to nail but she's a natural.' 'We all have our strengths and weaknesses,' Flossie bleated. 'Although I'd be reluctant to see us pushing her down a stereotypical career path when she's capable of doing so much more.' 'I've assured her that we'll have a review after 3 months and if she wants to explore wider horizons we'll discuss available courses ...

'A pair of sunglasses perched on top of your hat?' Bertha mooed. 'I thought they made me look much more like a holiday maker,' Norma replied. 'But still,' Bertha continued, 'it's not a disguise of the greatest depth.' 'Perhaps we could have another look together?' 'Then you will 'ave to be tres prompt about it!' Camille interrupted. 'Ma vessel is already surrounded by ships and balloons of all shapes and sizes and young Pierre 'ere 'as just given two toots on, what I 'ave to say is, a rather poorly drawn bosun's whistle, which means that land will be ahoy at any moment.' 'Cripes!' Norma replied. 'Have we arrived already?.......................I didn't think it was that bad. You can tell it's a whistle.' 'We'll need to get organised then,' Bertha added. 'Are we agreed that we head to one of the smaller islands and try to land there and stay hidden for a ...

'It makes you look very poety,' Norma said. Horace glanced towards Norma. 'No, honestly,' Norma added. 'I thought we were supposed to be looking for costumes to make us appear to be rich holiday makers?' Horace replied. 'Well.....................yes,' Norma said, 'but it just seemed a shame not to try on some of the other costumes while we had the chance.' 'Can I take it off now?' 'You could always just borrow the hat. The hat is particularly you.' 'I'd rather not,' Horace mooed. 'Not even just for fun?' 'I'm a ......' 'Poet?' Norma finished. 'I can't help being who I am.'  'True of all of us,' Norma replied. 'You're sure about the hat though?' '..............................Would you like me to wear it?' 'Perhaps you could try it for a while..but if you really don't like it.' '.............................

'PUT ME DOWN!' Captain Bill shouted. Bertha thought for a moment. 'You're a terrible navigator,' she calmly replied. 'That is not what I meant!' Captain Bill continued, 'THIS IS MUTINY!' 'No need to shout,' Bertha said. 'You must be used to it by now and I'm not sure it is mutiny as this isn't our ship. I think it's more that you've had your turn to steer...and now it's mine!' 'You have tied me up in a net!' 'Again,' Bertha replied, 'it depends on how you view things. How are you viewing things from down there by the way? Perhaps I've just presented you with a leisure opportunity? A chance to relax from the tedium of command.' 'I am fine with being tedious!' 'Now,' Bertha pondered, 'which way to steer?' 'Do NOT change our course!' 'Shouting again! I'm going to take a wild guess that we may be heading...Not North?' ...

'I suppose we need to work out what we're going to do when we arrive,' Norma said. 'We could stampede straight towards them,' Bertha suggested. 'Tackle them head on.' 'Or we could take a more measured and considered approach,' Norma replied. 'Or you could put on some ludicrous disguises and blunder your way to success,' Camille mooed. Bertha and Norma looked at Camille. 'Ma reply was based only on ma previous experiences of working along side you.'  'Fair point!' Bertha replied. 'But disguises are out of the question this time,' Norma continued. 'We've run into them too many times before for that to work. They'd see straight through us. We'd have to be wearing something truly exceptional for us to stand a chance of getting away with it and we just don't have access to really good costumes.' 'Unless I put at your disposal the wardrobe which is a part of ma cruise ship's...

'I've not completed my diagnosis yet but Mr Sir Cyril of Itwasn'tmeguvshire may be suffering from the worst case of lackofcakeandoverexerciseitis that I've ever seen and I've seen no cases before.' 'Really?' Norma asked. 'He needs complete rest....and cake....and more rest...and then more cake, then probably some more cake followed by rest.' 'Don't forget the cake,' Cyril interjected. 'Had I?' Annie mooed. 'I must have been distracted by all this talk of......................something else.' 'Could I,' Norma began, 'just for a moment drag you back to reality and ask whether either of you are aware of our current situation?' 'I'm ill,' Cyril replied. 'And we're on holiday!' Annie added and she did a little dance. Norma sighed one of her very deep sighs. 'As I suspect you both know all too well, Cow Island has gone missing and there's a strong suspicion...

'Levers are overrated anyway,' said Captain Bill. 'You don't think you should try to fix it back on?' Horace asked. 'It's not necessary,' Captain Bill replied. 'They try to over complicate things these days. When I went to Captain's school all they gave you was a knitted compass, a bit of seaweed and one of these twiddly twirly things.' 'A steering wheel?' 'That's it! And we would be expected to find our way anywhere on the high oceans, day or night, in any weather. Navigation is more of an instinctive thing in the best sailors. I could do it blindfolded.' 'Bertha made a remark about you the other day that wasn't dissimilar to that,' Horace observed. 'See!' Captain Bill exclaimed. 'She pretends to be critical of me but she knows a top captain when she sees one. You're born to it really. I don't need a lever to tell me when I need to turn to port or starboliarboliboard.' ...

'Just a shed full of manky old bits of rope,' Lefty explained. 'Really?' Flossie replied. 'The flock doesn't scare easily but the general opinion is that it must have belonged to a complete nutter!' 'Shame!'  'It was only Slightly Threatening Dave who was prepared to go in there on his own.' 'Top pirate!' 'So, I've had it all cleared out and thrown away.' 'Well,' Flossie mused, 'at least it helps to explain who we sold all of that rope to.' 'Which reminds me,' Lefty said, 'been asked to say, everyone wanted to congratulate you on 'The Small Island Supply Company'. Possibly your most despicable idea yet.' 'It wasn't a bad one was it, although I couldn't have managed it without your administrative skills,' Flossie bleated. 'and how else where we going to find out the addresses of all those islands that we needed to steal.' 'And now we...

'But surely even you have to concede that it's a coincidence too far?' Norma said. 'I've given you my opinion,' Captain Bill replied. 'But honestly,' Norma continued, 'a brand new chain of holiday islands and one of them just happens to have a pier....with a helter skelter on it!' 'It's perfectly possible that they could have decided to build one of their own.' 'Well, everyone else thinks there must be a link.' Captain Bill pointed to his Captain's hat. '...........................Even Captains can be wrong sometimes,' Norma ventured. 'But not this time,' Captain Bill mooed, 'AND I have proof!' 'Really?' Norma asked. 'Your problem is you don't think things through, none of you do,' Captain Bill replied. 'You see an advert for some holiday islands with a pier and a helter skelter and you leap to conclusions. You just let your imaginations run away with you...

'And Neville George Spondulicks and Margarita Sybil Snipbeak.' 'Whoever would have thought the pretty birdies would have had such strange names?' Cyril said. 'And they all send their love,' Annie added. 'There's nothing more important,' Cyril replied. 'But they didn't send anything else. 'It matters not,' said Cyril. 'I shall love them back even more.' 'So, did I miss much while I was away in Upsville?' 'I don't think so,' Cyril replied. 'How long were you away for?' Annie thought VERY hard. 'About 3.77483829281727172737483828 seconds.' 'Then apart from me eating 17 cakes, I don't think you missed much at all,' said Cyril. 'Only 17!!!!!!!' Annie mooed. 'Now you mention it, that's not many. Perhaps I'm not well?' 'You may have been overworking,' Annie suggested. 'I did have to turn myself over in my hammock without...

'You don't find it at all suspicious?' Norma asked. Captain Bill peered towards the flyer that Norma had taped to the stick. 'Not really,' he said. 'Honestly?' Norma continued. 'Cow Island goes missing and shortly afterwards Camille receives an advert for and I quote, 'The High Seas newest chain of holiday islands'.' 'Could be coincidence,' Captain Bill suggested. 'Too much of one for me,' Bertha mooed. 'I too am sensing the sort of tres bizarre and rather awkwardly placed plot development for which your adventures 'ave become so renowned,' Camille added. 'And there's something about the font that they've used,' Bertha continued. 'It's called Spiffly Whiffly,' Horace called down. 'I thought it seemed quite positive,' said Norma. 'Sort of happy and upbeat.' 'I've never found much use for it,' Horace replied. 'And yet for some reason...

'Really!' Camille exclaimed. 'Is ma life to be forever plagued by pushy parents writing letters of unjustified complaint!' 'I don't know,' Captain Bill replied, '.................................is it?' 'Well, it appears so,' said Camille and she waved the offending epistle in his face. 'What's the problem?' Norma asked. Camille shrugged her horns. 'This 'as just reached me and once again I am asked to justify the costs of ma mostly reasonably priced school uniforms.' '.....................................Is there a uniform?' said Captain Bill. 'There are several versions,' Camille replied. 'Summer, autumn, a bit later in the autumn, early winter.' 'That would appear to be quite a few,' Norma suggested. 'But I 'ave already dropped the very late autumn and 23rd of August uniforms and what thanks do I get?' 'I,' Captain Bill began, 'I can't ...

'SHE LET THEM GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!' 'You came completely off the ground just then,' Norma remarked. 'Is it any wonder?' Captain Bill gasped. 'Couldn't you have broken the news to me in some other way?' 'I suppose I could have let Bertha tell you? She was quite keen to do so.' 'I retract my criticism,' said Captain Bill. 'But really! Camille let them go?' 'She said that she thought that even the most notorious pirates deserved a second chance. She also added that she needed to sell the vineyard and having a prison attached to it was affecting the price.' 'Hopeless!' Captain Bill mooed. 'Absolutely hopeless!.....Where are they now?' 'Well,  pirates don't tend to leave forwarding addresses,' Norma replied. 'I think the best we can say is that Flossie and his pirate flock are once again loose upon the high seas.' 'I knew something like this would happen. I said we shoul...

'Why yes, my petite chums,' Camille replied, 'in a deliberately overlong and complex exposition made for the benefit of newer readers I can confirm that when we last parted company myself and ma little students were about to embark on running a combined vineyard and prison for notorious pirates.' 'So what happened?' Bertha asked. 'We 'ad considerable success with the Pinot but I never felt we got the soil right for a truly world class Chablis.' '...................................................................And the prison?' said Norma. 'At first things went well, although there were fewer transferable skills from pirating into viticulture than I 'ad 'oped. But they applied themselves to the tasks I set them and exhibited a strong team spirit that was a credit to their evil brotherhood.' 'But I sense a 'but',' Bertha mooed. 'Indeed! For although they worked 'ard they also 'ighlight...

'Then I knocked it off again and jumped up and down on it,' Bertha replied. 'Hmm, hardly you at your most constructive,' said Norma. Bertha shrugged her horns. 'I'd like to think it had a certain educational value.' she mooed. 'We should still make the effort to show him some respect.' 'If I had some for him I would,' said Bertha. 'Well, I've apologised to Camille about the towels and I've had a word with Cyril and Annie about behaviour in general.' 'I doubt it'll make any difference,' Bertha replied. 'I'll keep hoping,' said Norma. 'It's a very nice ship. I'd like to believe that it still will be by the time we leave it. All we need to do is treat it with respect.' 'That would be a first,' Bertha replied. 'But you're right about it being a nice ship, it feels very well balanced. I doubt it's very old.' 'They've only had it for six mon...

'Which is why,' Captain Bill explained, 'the correct thing to do is always to steer 'Not North,' and he pointed to 'Not North' on his knitted compass so that Camille's little students could pick it out. 'No, it isn't!' said Bertha. 'Ignore her,' Captain Bill suggested. '...................It is!' 'No, it isn't!' said Bertha. 'It is!' Captain Bill replied. 'It isn't!' '..........................................................Is!' 'Isn't! 'Is!' 'ISN'T!' 'As a highly experienced and respected captain,' Captain Bill began. 'HA!' said Bertha. 'Really,' Camille interrupted, 'this is most educational. Not only are ma little students getting a lesson in navigation, they are also getting a thorough grounding in mindless petty squabbling. A vital skill which will be a reoccurring aspect of their adult lives if I am...