Cow Island

Captain Bill fell through the cool night air. He spent so long falling that in the end he got bored with screaming and simply passed the time thinking of ways in which he would have got his own back on Cyril..if he'd lived to do so. He managed to come up with 37 different ideas before he hit the hayrick. He went quite a long way into it before it's springiness lifted him back into the air and for a brief moment he was airborne again. But then he fell for a 2nd time and landed on some bales of hay...and then bounced once more before finally landing with a thud on the damp grass. For a while he lay doing nothing. He'd never quite seen the point before in why Annie bothered to count her legs but now he gave it a go and found he still had 4...and 2 horns and a tail. This he found pleasing. He was just about to try standing when he became aware of the sound of the rumble of hooves which were moving in his direction. They stopped in the dark a little way from him an...

In the still of the night the pirate balloon floated on. 'Right lads,' bleated Lefty,'careful now!' And another sheep pushed a small lever and the balloon sank lower. 'Island approaching! called out a 3rd sheep. 'Excellent!' muttered Lefty,'soon be home!' 'Erm! Excuse me!' said a sheep in a captain's hat. 'Excuse me, could I just come past, thank you.' And now he stood before Lefty. 'I was just wondering, would there be any chance that you could drop me off first?' 'Drop you off?' replied Lefty. 'Indeed,' said Captain Bill,'before you all get too involved with the whole arriving at your evil pirate lair thing...if you could just...divert a bit?' Lefty looked at Captain Bill. 'Have we met before?' he asked. 'No!' replied Captain Bill. 'No, no, not been aboard long really.' 'And now...you want to leave?' said Lefty. 'Well you know what it's like,' replie...

Ello subjects! Your Queen speaking! You'll be glad to hear (you will, remember we have plenty of dungeons) that I've collected his little Crownness (isn't he adorable, One don't know how One survived without 'im) and we've switched to his biggest ship. All of which means it's pirate sheep stomping time! 'Brave King rescues grateful poor people.' I think that's the sort of headline we're looking for...and perhaps a few pages of photos in the Sunday's...although experience would suggest that we should settle for anything what don't call for a revolution. The problem is they don't realise what his little Kingshipfulness has to deal with! He's had to cancel 3 garden parties and a brace of banquets just to be 'ere! (cue 'King don't bother turning up' editorial). They seem to think all he has to do is wander around in a big robe wearing a crown. They don't get to see the behind the scenes stuff. I mean, h...

'And so,'said Norma, while nibbling on a bit of cake,'Bertha and I thought it might be a good idea not to get too close for the moment.' 'To give me more time to write poetry?' asked Horace. 'Er...possibly!' replied Norma. 'We just thought you aught to know what we'd decided,' said Bertha, 'Norma has persuaded me that we shouldn't just go rushing in and I can see her point. After all we need to work together even more than usual, seeing as there are only the four of us at the moment.' 'And Geraldine!' mooed Annie. 'Indeed!' said Norma. And here Geraldine stood up and did a little dance before laying down again. 'And it'll be safer for Captain Bill and Cyril if we keep our distance,' said Norma. 'I miss Mr Sir Cyril,' said Annie,' and Captain......Thingy.' 'We all do,' said Norma,'it can't be much fun being on a balloon full of pirate sheep.' 'Unless they...

'But what are we going to do?' pleaded Captain Bill. 'Well,' replied Cyril,'the first thing I'm going to do....is have another one of these grass sandwiches.' 'How can you possibly think of food at a time like this?' hissed Captain Bill. Cyril stared at Captain Bill. 'OK!' conceded Captain Bill,'silly question!' 'Pirate sheep they maybe,' replied Cyril,'but you've got to give them credit, they still make a very fine grass sandwich. I particularly admire the way they've replaced the outer bread layers with yet more grass.' 'So it's just grass then?' said Captain Bill. 'Hmm?' munched Cyril. 'Well,' continued Captain Bill,'if they've replaced the bread with more grass it's just grass...it's not a sandwich at all!' 'Possibly to the untrained eye it might appear that way,' said Cyril,'but at a deeper level it still retains much of it's sandwichness...

Hello everyone, Norma here! As you might already have seen yesterday, the good news is that we're up and away. The bad news is that the sheep, together with Cyril and Captain bill, are just a speck on the horizon. We're doing everything we can to put on some speed but it's not going to be easy. In further news, Queen Phoebe has set sail. Her Queenladyship is going via home to pick up her hubbie (isn't he lovely) and will then catch us up. She did offer to leave Norman with us but we need to stay as light as possible. So anyway, I do hope you all have a nice weekend. Maybe you could go out for a walk or perhaps a picnic? Whatever you do please don't worry yourselves too much about Ms Camille and her little students......or Captain Bill.....or Cyril...or the life or death situation that they all find themselves in. I'm sure it'll all turn out well in the end. Bye, hugs, bye Norma PS If you do spot a large pirate sheep laden balloon passing overhead do...

PUPPETS So gather round Young Annie dear And listen to A tale of fear A story told Of pirate sheep That could deprive you Of your sleep Of cutlasses And daggers too Of captains And some minimoos A story that's So awful scary It could make Your tail curly A plot packed full Of thrills and chases And one or two Exotic places On luck and courage We shall depend If we're to have A happy end! Thank you Horace

'Arggghhhh! Har......har, har....har, har har...etc, etc. Right lads,' began Lefty,'tis no point in avoiding the issue, we failed in our underhoof but otherwise highly original caper!' And a general murmuring and bleating ensued. 'I know, 'continued lefty,'tis not easy to accept but we must be realistic, it was a right fleece up!' And from in amongst the throng a strong metallic tapping was heard. 'No Hooky!' bleated Lefty,'you mustn't blame yourself, for even by our ruthless pirate standards your injury is a most sever one and to have asked you to impersonate a human was, in my opinion, a step too far!' And here there were cries of 'shame', 'pardon' and 'speak up.' 'But my point is lads,' continued Lefty,'it's a pretty good bet that when we get home our boss will not be best pleased with the news.' And again cries of 'shame', 'rubbish' and 'what did he say,...

'This really is so very kind of you,' said Horace. 'Not at all!' replied Queen Phoebe,'we're just glad to be able to help.' 'WE?' gasped Norman. 'Only the sooner we get the balloon inflated...' continued Horace. 'Our pleasure!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'OUR?' panted Norman. 'It would have taken us forever otherwise,' added Horace. 'Well you can always rely on us,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'US?' trumpeted Norman. 'So the 2 sensible ones?' queried Queen Phoebe. 'Norma and Bertha?' replied Horace. 'Yes,' replied Queen Phoebe,'they would be?' 'A bit busy at the moment,' replied Horace. 'Right!' said Queen Phoebe. 'So they asked me if I could just make sure you were OK,' continued Horace. 'Fine! said Queen Phoebe. 'So have you read much poetry lately?' asked Horace. And for Queen Phoebe the next couple of hours went very, very slowly.

HEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP!!!! I know you've come to expect a blog to be longer than that but right now I think that says all that I want it to say. I mean it wasn't so bad when they were disguised as humans but now they're out of costume....well, they're just so ruthlessly sheepy! It's OK for Cyril, he's used to a life based around risking life and hoof. It didn't take him 5 minutes to find a couple of bits of fleece for both of us. And the pointy things! I've never seen so many cutlasses and daggers! Although there is at least a strict no running policy. So basically, to sum up, send help. I'm not bothered how it manifests itself...just get it here quickly!!!! Captain Bill

'You know,'reflected Norma,'the next time we suspect the involvement of pirate sheep, we might do no worse than take a quick tour around the nearest balloonidrome!' 'I feel such a fool!' said Bertha. 'You and me both!' replied Norma,'still on the plus side they should be easy to follow.' 'And at least it looks like Cyril and Captain Bill managed to stow themselves away,' said Bertha. 'Are you sure?' asked Norma. 'Well I can clearly see somebody wearing a Captain's hat,' replied Bertha. 'What's he doing?' asked Norma. 'He's trying to climb out!' replied Bertha. 'That'll be our Bill then,' said Norma And with that the 2 girls moved off. 'So hot pursuit it is then!' said Bertha as they both hurried towards the balloonidrome. 'Well, I suspect it'll be more of a 'winds light to variable' pursuit,' replied Norma,'but it should be fun while it l...

'I really,' puffed Captain Bill,'I really struggle to see the point of some of these events!' 'Events?' questioned Cyril. 'Suitcase carrying,' replied Captain Bill,'I mean who ever thought of that as a sport?' Cyril stopped running. Captain Bill stopped running. 'It's like this,' said Cyril,'it's not an event.' 'It isn't?' said Captain Bill. 'No!' said Cyril. 'Then what is...,' said Captain Bill. '...They're leaving!' said Cyril. 'Leaving!' said Captain Bill. 'Leaving,' said Cyril.'They've realised it's all gone a bit pear shaped, they're not going to win....so they're leaving.' 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'And we're going with them,'added Cyril. 'WHA....' said Captain Bill. But he didn't get to finish what he was saying because Cyril picked him up and started to run with him. 'Wherever they'r...

'Disqualimafied!' exclaimed Queen Phoebe. 'That's right,' replied Bertha,'from the pole vault and the relay.' 'And the 3000m backwards pie carrying,' added Norma. 'It's because they can't do anything individually,' continued Bertha. 'So their plans are in tatters!' finished Norma. 'Well, I have to say One aint at all surprised,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'history has consistently shown that the diabolical machinations of fanatical pirate sheep are so often thwarted by an inability to operate on an individual basis!' 'Whatever!' said Norma and Bertha together. 'Which just leaves the thorny question of what One does with the little balls of fluffy criminalness?' added Queen Phoebe. 'And of course we still need to find out where they're holding Ms Camille,' said Norma. 'But we're hoping Cyril and Captain Bill will come up trumps on that,' said Bertha. So everyone d...

'Could you just? Look, no! Just let go! Let go! I said LET GO!' shouted Captain Bill. 'I thought this might happen!' called out Cyril. 'It's hopeless!' exclaimed Captain Bill,'37 of us all trying to hang onto 1 pole!' 'It's the flocking instinct!' replied Cyril,'they only just managed to suppress it in practice but once the pressure's on they just can't stop themselves from doing everything together!' 'But the whole idea is that 1 of us flies effortlessly through the air,' puffed Captain Bill,'we've been around the field 3 times already and so far the only 1 that's taken off wasn't actually attached to the pole!' 'Sorry about that!' replied Cyril,'but he was starting to annoy me!' 'I don't suppose they'll miss 1!' conceded Captain Bill,'and anyway he set a new record for the 100m!' 'They've even delayed the medal ceremony until they ge...

'And so I'm afraid, so far, Cyril and Captain Bill haven't really been able to find out very much!' said Norma. 'Well, I suppose One will just have to be patient,' replied Queen Phoebe,' only usually One employs a poor person to do that sort of thing for One. Norma said she was sorry for the hold up. 'It wouldn't be so bad if his little regalness were here,' sighed Queen Phoebe,'only One does miss 'im so.' Norma said she was sorry for a 2nd time. 'Horace has said he'd be happy to read some poetry to you while you're waiting,' she suggested. 'Is he the miserable one what's still trying to find a publisher?' asked Queen Phoebe. And Norma confirmed that he was. 'Maybe give it a miss then,' replied Queen Phoebe. And Norma said that she understood. 'So what next?' asked Queen Phoebe. 'Well,' replied Norma,' the competition proper starts tomorrow, the first event is the ju...

Morning all! Now do try to sit up straight when working a s a secret agent. Just because you're involved with a life or death struggle against ruthless pirate sheep, that's no reason to forget good posture. Personally I think a more direct approach would be better. An effective, well organised stampede could see the whole thing over and done with pretty quickly! The problem these days is that people get too worried about the consequences. From what I remember about Camille's little students, I'm certain that they'll be able to take care of themselves. Anyway, on with the problem in hoof. What's this I see before me? It looks like a letter casually abandoned in a rubbish bin! Perhaps I should remove it and have a read? Who knows what it might contain? Onward Bertha

'So,' asked Cyril,'have you found anything out yet?' 'Yes,' replied Captain Bill,'this costume itches!' 'Could be crucial!' said Cyril. And so for a while Cyril and Captain Bill stood and watched the sheep moving around them. 'They're nippy little things aren't they?' conceded Captain Bill. 'Wouldn't surprise me if some of them were on wheels,' replied Cyril. 'Will they stop at nothing!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Careful!' bleated Cyril,'remember you need to blend in.' 'Blend in!' exclaimed Captain Bill,'I'm disguised as a sheep who's disguised as a human who just happens to have 3 arms...and I've still got me Captain's hat on!' 'I suppose they're too involved with their own plans to notice,' replied Cyril. 'So what do you suggest we do next?' asked Captain Bill. 'Hmm,' replied Cyril,'time to report back perhaps?' And so...

Morning everyone, Just thought I'd let you know, everything so far is going to plan. I can report that Cyril and Captain Bill have made 1st contact with the opposition. Luckily that 3rd arm makes it quite easy to pick out Captain Bill, so well done Annie! Cyril's also quite easy to spot but that's because he's several times larger than anyone else. With a bit of luck they'll be able to find out where Ms Camille and her little students are being held and then we can really get this show on the road! Until then we'll just have to sit tight and nibble a hedge. Take care, do have a nice weekend... Norma

'I feel a fool!' grumbled Captain Bill. Cyril stopped and turned towards him. 'That's because you look like one,' he replied. 'And why has my costume got 3 arms?' asked Captain Bill. 'How many did you ask for?' replied Cyril. 'Ask for?' questioned Captain Bill. 'Ask for!' replied Cyril. 'I didn't ask for any!' 'Well think yourself lucky to have got 3 then!' said Cyril,'I only got 2.' 'We'll never get away with this,' continued Captain Bill,'they'll spot us in seconds!' Cyril thought for moment. 'Let's do it anyway!' he mooed and headed off down the hill. 'We could emigrate!' called out Captain Bill as he followed him,'nobody would ever know...'

You've missed him! You've worried about him....really you have, don't try to deny it! But now he's back...and it is him...honest! Iiiiitttt'sssssssssssssss CYRILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!! Morning Chums or should I say, the cake of my friend has been eaten by the fat cow. Be honest if you'd seen me in the street you'd have just kept on walking. It's a disguise par excellent even if I do say so myself. My only concern is that my innate sexiness might just give me away? I guess it's just a risk I'll have to take. After all there's a damsel and her pupils to be rescued and fate insists I be there (no honestly I had a postcard). So if we never meet again remember.... There is some corner of a foreign field, well quite a big corner, probably closer to a whole field and a couple of hillsides, that is forever Cyril town. Hugs, snogs (you know it's what you want!) Cyril (secret agent and part time restaurant critic)

'Oh, do come out!' pleaded Norma. 'No!' hissed Captain Bill. 'You'll get cramp all scrunched up in there,' added Norma. 'I'll be fine!' replied Captain Bill. 'Now look,' continued Norma,'I want a peaceful resolution to this situation but I'm warning you, if all else fails, I'm willing to send in Geraldine.' And at this juncture Geraldine slipped off the safety catch and had a couple of practice snips. 'I never thought I'd see you stoop this low!' muttered Captain Bill. 'Well you've forced me into it,' replied Norma. 'I know I'm asking a lot of you but it's for Camille and her little students and I'm quite sure there's a hero inside you somewhere.' Captain Bill poked his head out of the hedge. 'Well he's very well hidden if there is,' he said. 'We'll find him,' replied Norma. And so slowly Captain Bill climbed out and, together with Norma a...

'Well,' said Queen Phoebe,'as soon as one read your telegram, one was straight down the docks to lend a hand in hoisting the sails!' 'It really is very kind of you to come so quickly,' replied Norma,'we're quite sure that they've kidnapped Ms Camille and her little students and are trying to illegally win large amounts of money in a betting scam.' 'Yes, but more to the point,' said Queen Phoebe, 'they wrote a letter pretending to be his little regalness. If that gets into the press it'll be pages 1 to 27 and a pull out colour supplement.' And all the Cows agreed that it very probably would. 'So I say let's haul them in and break out the mint sauce pronto like,' said Queen Phoebe. 'You mean direct action?' mooed Bertha,'sounds like an excellent idea to me!' 'But hang on!' said Norma,'aren't we all missing the elephant in the room?' 'Hello!' trumpeted Norman. ...

Hello! (I'm saving my 'o's for the next sentence) I'm soooooooooooooooooooo (told you) tired! There's just soooooooooo ( I still had a few left) much going on! Norma suggested that it might help if I gave all of us a detailed breakdown of the plot. I think we can all recognise when we're on a hiding to nothing! But from what I can work out, there are people pretending to be other people which they shouldn't be doing and the people that they are pretending to be just aren't here and we're here but the people doing the pretending tried to stop us otherewise we would notice that the people who aren't here aren't here. And there are minimoos mixed up in it somewhere as well. I like minimoos. Has anyone ever noticed that when you lay down your eyeballs are on top of each other? Strange that! Right, that's enough pointless rambling from me. Byeeeeeeeeeeee Annie PS I have no idea why Geraldine is dressed as she is but it's her ...

Well I'm still not sure about those Captain Inspectors! Morning all, Captain Bill here. It's always been quite clear to me that some sort of cheating went on...it's the only logical way of explaining why I failed. Now that we know that pirate sheep were involved it confirms all my suspicions. It wouldn't surprise me if they actually went so far as to switch port with starboliarboliboard! The point is I feel I can get back to being fully in command. I'm sure you can understand my temptation to rush in and play the hero. Swinging on a rope, cutlass clenched between my teeth, rescuing Ms Camille and her little students etc, etc. I shall just have to try to hold myself back! Until then...have nice weekends and remember if you need inspiration...think Captain Bill! Until next week, CAPTAIN Bill PS Did I mention it's CAPTAIN Bill!

Geraldine pointed at the 2nd telegram. 'Who's it from?' asked Captain Bill. 'Queen Phoebe,' replied Norma. 'And you expect me to read it?' asked Captain Bill. But before Norma could reply Bertha pushed past and read it out. 'Dear all STOP his little crowness STOP isn't he lovely STOP didn't send no letter complaining about you STOP coming as quick as I can STOP PS try to keep it out of the press STOP.' Captain Bill stared wide eyed at Norma. 'So King Otto didn't complain about us hitting his harbour wall!' said Bertha. 'Exactly!' replied Norma. 'I KNEW IT!' mooed Captain Bill,'I knew it! I knew that complaint was just made up! Those pirate sheep must have just hired a bunch of rubbish, no good actors to pretend to be Captain Inspectors so that they could try to keep me off the high seas. They never really had me fooled! Trying to create the impression that I didn't know what I was doing! I mus...

Norma had called a meeting. So far it had gone exactly as she had expected. Cyril had poked Horace with a large stick. Horace had complained. Cyril had poked Horace with a smaller stick. Annie had tried to order two pairs of curtains and a dinning room table. 'If we could all settle down!' mooed Bertha. 'Thank you,' said Norma,'I've had replies to all of the telegrams that I sent out. I'm afraid it's not good reading.' Geraldine used one of Cyril's sticks to point at the first one. 'Who's it from?' asked Captain Bill. 'George,' replied Norma. 'Weird George!' said Captain Bill. 'I prefer George,' replied Norma. And then Bertha read it out aloud. 'Yer well yer erm hello STOP I never saw them STOP it just kind of turned up STOP right well erm OK erm bye STOP.' 'I see what you mean about it not being good reading,' said Captain Bill. 'He was talking about the snow making machine,...