Cow Island

'And if you tie books to your horns overnight the words fall into your head.' 'Really?' asked Cyril. 'Really,' replied Annie, 'but you have to get up very slowly in the morning otherwise the words get all jumblified.' 'Well that's fine with me,' said Cyril, 'I've never been in favour of rushing to get up.' 'I wouldn't be surprised if you could become a professor by the end of the year,' added Annie. 'I think I might be already,' replied Cyril, 'I forget which certificates I've printed off.' 'Ooooooh!' mooed Annie. 'Look! Tulips!' 'Very nice,' said Cyril, 'it makes you feel as if winter really is coming to an end and that brighter, warmer, longer days are just around the corner...let's eat them.' 'Yippee!' said Annie.

'Oh! Well done!' mooed Norma. 'You've got the top open.' Captain Bill looked at Norma. 'I'm managing perfectly well on my own, thank you very much.' 'So I can see,' replied Norma, 'I mean, just a week to get an envelope open!' 'Sarcasm does not become you,' said Captain Bill. 'Anyway I'm sure you've got something better to do?' 'Not really,' said Norma. 'Walking with Horace?' suggested Captain Bill. 'He wants to wait until the weather is a bit more miserable,' replied Norma, '...it's a poet thing.' 'Annie then?' 'I was going to go to the library with her but Cyril's volunteered to do that.' 'Library,' asked Captain Bill. 'She wants to see if Bertha's got any books that might help with her teacher training,' replied Norma. 'She's still pursuing that then?' 'It would seem so,' replied Norma. 'So are you going to look i...

'Right,' said Flossie, 'Dave?' 'Passed,' replied Lefty. 'Thought he would,' said Flossie. 'Never really in doubt,' replied Lefty, 'and his hat stayed on.' 'Top pirate!' said Flossie. 'Now.....I notice there's a tick against Harriet's name?' 'Knew you'd spot that,' replied Lefty, 'strictly speaking we have to pass her as we failed to supply all the required safety equipment.' 'It used to be so much easier,' bleated Flossie. 'And....if it's OK with you,' said Lefty, 'I've passed Mum as well.' 'Hmm,' replied Flossie. Ticks the demographics box,' pointed out Lefty, 'doing our bit for the older pirates...and we'll get a grant to put a ramp in on the ship.' Winning all around!' said Flossie. 'Is that all then?' 'That's us done,' replied Lefty. 'Only a week this time.' 'Fine!' said Flossie. 'Fancy just r...

'No....no it's just not working!' bleated Flossie. 'She did get a bit further that time,' replied Lefty. 'Indeed,' agreed Flossie, 'but still, got to be realistic.' 'She'd be keen to have one more go,' suggested Lefty. 'Her decision,' replied Flossie, 'wouldn't want to deny her the opportunity....but still.' 'The thing is,' said Lefty, 'she's a little sensitive...about the whole age thing.' 'Understandable,' replied Flossie, 'we're none of us getting any younger.' 'I did wonder, if we could attach the frame to the rope, if it would give her more to hang onto?' 'Hmm,' said Flossie, 'nice idea, see where you're coming from, not sure I'd want to risk it.' 'OK!' replied Lefty, 'could you, could you lend a hoof to dig her out?' 'Be a privilege,' said Flossie.

Flossie looked at Lefty. 'Can't be helped,' said Lefty. 'It's just.....not very piratey,' replied Flossie. Lefty shrugged his shoulders. OK!' said Flossie. 'In your own time,' bleated Lefty. 'Shouldn't there be some sort of safety harness?' asked Harriet. 'Actually, there probably should be,' said Lefty. 'Oh!' said Harriet. 'Well,' began Flossie, 'the point is, and go with me on this, what you have to imagine is, we're at sea engaged in mortal combat with an enemy ship.' 'Cannon firing,' suggested Lefty. 'Cannon firing,' agreed Flossie. 'Somebody running with a pointy sword,' suggested Lefty. 'Could easily happen,' conceded Flossie, 'blood's up, heat of the moment and all, and then I give the order, 'Board the enemy ship!'. Now what you have to ask yourself is, could we expect them to hang on for half an hour while we rig you up a safety harness?' ...

'He's looking good!' bleated Lefty. 'Can't fault him,' replied Flossie, 'either you've got it or you haven't...and he has.' 'If you ask me he's even more slightly threatening than he used to be.' 'Growing into the role,' replied Flossie, 'I've seen it before, sign of a good pirate that.' 'And of course the extra height helps,' added Lefty. 'True,' replied Flossie. 'Now, everything ready?' 'Think so,' said Lefty, 'rope's been tested, space in clear, just a wee bit concerned about the hat.' 'Hat?' asked Flossie. 'Just thought, if it blows off, would we lose the threat element?' 'Good point!' bleated Flossie. 'I mean seeing that we've taken him on because of that aspect...be a shame to lose it.' 'Length of string?' suggested Flossie. 'Top idea!' replied Lefty. 'That's why I'm here,' replied Flossie. So a len...

'Strange?' bleated Lefty. 'It was working.' 'MUM!' shouted Flossie. 'MUM!' shouted Lefty, 'Mum!....I only put them in yesterday.' 'Where did you?...' 'From a magazine,' replied Lefty, 'Mum!.....Maybe just press on.' 'If you're sure?' asked Flossie. 'I'll explain to her later, it's more of a refresher course for her anyway.' 'No probs,' said Flossie. 'So ...er....well I'd like to welcome you all, thanks for turning up, new pirates are highly valued members of staff and it's for that reason that we put you through our intensive training programme so that by the end of the course you will have acquired a high skill value that is 2nd to none within the pirate community.' 'Will there be a certificate?' asked Harriet. 'Er?' said Flossie. Lefty shook his head. 'No,' said Flossie, 'but rest assured, if we hear any news of a certificate laden ship passi...

'So I went to Mum's....it was OK I suppose...and you?' 'Stayed here,' replied Flossie, 'pretty quiet to be honest.' 'It's more for the lambs really anyway,' said Lefty. 'That's what I've always said,' agreed Flossie. 'Get anything much?' asked Lefty. 'No......got a new eye patch in the sales though.' 'Which one?' 'On the left.' 'Is that silk?' 'It's a silk, lycra mix,' replied Flossie, 'so it's got stretch but also a warmth that I've really appreciated during the later part of winter. I should have got a couple but when you're there you don't think about it.' 'I know what you mean,' said Lefty. 'Well....that's enough padding out....what are we doing here?' 'We've been asked to fill in for the week,' said Lefty. 'Great!' said Flossie. 'Any ideas?' 'I thought we could do some basic training?' suggested ...

'So......so what exactly do you think he's trying to do?' asked Bertha. 'I'm not certain,' replied Norma, 'but my best guess is that he's trying to worry it open.' 'Could take a while.' 'I don't think that's really going to bother him,' said Norma. 'No possibly not,' replied Bertha, '......and after that?' 'I doubt he's thought that far ahead,' said Norma. Bertha nodded in agreement and for a while they stood and watched Captain Bill. 'I've a good mind to go and open it for him,' said Bertha. 'Oh, I wouldn't,' replied Norma, 'it'll spoil the fun and besides he's doing quite well, I think there's almost a hole in one corner. After the last couple of weeks I could do with something like this.' 'True,' replied Bertha, 'it has been busy.' 'Mmmm,' said Norma, 'so I've arranged for us to have a week off so we can sort ourselves ou...

'It arrived on Monday,' said Norma. 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'But as you know I was rather busy.' 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'Sorry I forgot.' 'Fine,' said Captain Bill. 'It is addressed to you,' added Norma. 'Mmmmm,' said Captain Bill. 'I think it's rather sweet.' Captain Bill looked at Norma. 'I suppose there's any chance it's a tax demand?' 'Given that it's in a red envelope, perfumed and says 'To Ma Hero Capitaine Bill' on the front, I doubt it.' 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'You'll probably want to be opening it,' suggested Norma. The hero Capitaine Bill peered at the envelope. 'Might leave it a while....' 'Why?' asked Norma. '.....Just because.'

'Well really!' mooed Captain Bill. 'You do have to wonder whether it was worth the effort?' 'Norma seems to think it was, 'replied Bertha. 'Hmm, well she's too easy going anyway.' ''I suppose if they're happy in each others company...' 'Possibly,' conceded Captain Bill, 'although I can't help feeling she could do better for herself. A fainting, unpublished poet isn't exactly top draw material.' 'I suspect that's part of the attraction for her,' replied Bertha, 'that and the fact that he's kind.' 'Wishy washy more like,' said Captain Bill. 'If you're going to get anywhere in life you've got to be decisive, even in affairs of the heart.' 'Really?' asked Bertha. 'Of yes!' replied Captain Bill. 'The trouble with Horace is he keeps backing away from things and no good ever came of that!'

'And Norma says they're going to go out for a walk...which means they've got to get married in six months time.' 'Is that so?' asked Cyril. 'I think so,' replied Annie, 'at least that's the rumour I've decided to spread.' 'Sounds fine to me,' said Cyril. 'I was wondering if I should contact all the major news organisations?' 'Hmm,' said Cyril, 'might be complicated, perhaps I could do it for you?' 'Oh yes please,' replied Annie, 'and ask them if they want any more jam while you're at it.' 'Are you still sending them jam then?' asked Cyril. 'I've always thought it helped to keep them on my side,' replied Annie. 'Now are there many more dishes to wash?' 'Only a few,' said Cyril. 'I've tried to reduce them to a minimum by eating most of the dessert bowls.' 'It's that sort of clear thinking that could revolutionise the whole catering in...

'It wasn't my idea,' said Horace. 'I didn't think it was!' replied Norma. 'And then...' 'I know,' said Norma, 'but they meant well.' 'Was the meal nice?' 'Mmm, I enjoyed it, Cyril's a very good cook.' 'What did you have for dessert?' '5 trifles,' replied Norma, 'there are still a couple left over if you'd like some?' 'I think I could manage a couple...and perhaps something to drink.' 'I'll go and get a selection and you can choose what you want.' 'Thank you,' said Horace. 'My pleasure,' said Norma and she slowly turned to go. 'Norma,' said Horace. 'Yes?' said Norma. 'Perhaps, when I'm feeling better, we could go for a walk sometime.' 'Yes,' said Norma, 'I'd like that, I'd like that a lot.'

'So what's happening?' asked Captain Bill. 'I'm eating this Kiev,' replied Cyril. 'As you very well know that is not what I meant,' said Captain Bill, '....where did you get it from anyway?' 'It's Horace's,' replied Cyril. 'HORACE'S!' said Captain Bill. 'Well he's not eating it,' replied Cyril. 'He's not eaten anything so far,' said Annie. 'Or said anything,' noted Bertha. 'Oh honestly!' said Captain Bill, 'just how hopeless can he get!' 'He's just sitting there,' said Annie. 'Apart from when he's fallen over,' added Bertha. 'FALLEN OVER!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Twice so far,' replied Cyril. 'Not easy to do when you're already sitting down but he's managed it.' 'I think he's just too nervousified,' said Annie. 'Hopeless,' said Captain Bill, 'absolutely hopeless! Well I don't suppose it c...

'Pleeeeeeeaaassssseeeee!' gasped Horace. 'It's for your own good,' mooed Bertha. 'I'm not convinced!' said Horace. 'Well Norma's then,' suggested Bertha. 'Errrr?' said Horace. Bertha stopped and put Horace down. 'So what's the alternative?' she asked. '....I could write a poem about her?' said Horace. 'And that would achieve?' 'Wellllllllll....' began Horace. 'Exactly!' said Bertha and she picked him up again. 'There's a thing called destiny,' she explained, 'and it's waiting for you to arrive!' 'Could you ask it to wait a little longer?' asked Horace. 'Sorry chum,' said Bertha, 'time's up!'

'Sooooooooo......how are you?' 'Fine,' replied Norma. 'Excellent!' said Captain Bill. 'Excellent...........excellent.' 'So if you don't mind me asking.....why are we here?' 'Well,' replied Captain Bill, 'to be honest.....I suppose I'm not.' 'Really?' said Norma. 'Yes,' said Captain Bill. '.......So where are you?' 'Ermmmmmm, well I'm not really anywhere else either.' 'Hmm,' said Norma, 'would it be terribly amiss of me to say I'm not sure what's going on?' 'Oh, I'm way ahead of you there,' replied Captain Bill. 'Right.' 'The point is,' continued Captain Bill, 'I'm just keeping a seat warm.' 'There aren't any seats,' said Norma. 'A patch of grass then,' replied Captain Bill, 'a patch of grass that will hopefully soon be occupied by another.' 'And will they have a better idea about what's go...

'Gone!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Correct!' replied Cyril. 'On his hooves and away.' 'Bertha's gone to find him,' added Annie. 'Is that wise?' asked Captain Bill. 'She's promised the bruises won't show,' replied Cyril. 'Well that's better treatment than I get,' said Captain Bill, 'but in the meantime?' 'Someone will have to stand in for him,' said Cyril, 'and Norma's already on her way.' 'Ah!' replied Captain Bill. And he looked at Cyril. 'I'm doing the cooking,' said Cyril. 'Right,' said Captain Bill. And he looked at Annie...who smiled back and wiggled her hat. 'My assistant,' said Cyril. 'Oh really?' said Captain Bill. 'Absolutamente!' replied Cyril. '....So it's you.' 'I could help with the cooking as well you know!' suggested Captain Bill. 'We'll tell Bertha if you don't,' said Annie. 'Just do...

Morning all! Well I'm pleased to say that, thanks to some expert planning, things are running very smoothly indeed. I think it's reasonable to suggest that most of this is down to me....and so I will. After all it's one of the subtler points of good captaincy that you allow each member of the team to feel that they have contributed something while all the time knowing that without your own clear headed guidance things would have fallen apart long before. Annie's very basic notion had been built upon layer by layer until the end result is far beyond doubt. From where I stand I can see that Bertha has laid out the table and decorations while to my left the sounds of a busy kitchen greet my ears. And so I think I can say that the lucky couple can look forward to a Valentines day that will be second to none. I of course will maintain my position in the shadows, happy to play out my part with no expectation of thanks but secure in the knowledge of a job superbly done. Until ...

'Onions,' said Cyril. 'Onions,' said Annie. 'Tomatoes,' said Cyril. 'Tomatoes,' said Annie. '3 fried eggs,' said Cyril. '3 fried eggs,' said Annie. '12 sausages,' said Cyril. '12 sausages,' said Annie. 'Now that's what I call a sandwich!' said Cyril. 'Want one?' 'Yes please,' replied Annie. So Cyril made them 4 each. 'Do you think we should start cooking the meal yet?' asked Annie. 'All in good time,' replied Cyril. 'Have you seen the mustard?' And Annie passed the mustard. 'It's fun isn't it,' said Annie, 'this cooking business.' 'It's a lark,' agreed Cyril. 'I said there would be larks,' said Annie. 'So you did,' replied Cyril. 'Now who's for a family sized trifle?' And as it turned out...they both were.

'Perhaps,' suggested Captain Bill, 'if we could just move in a little?' 'But I like it close to the edge,' said Horace, 'it makes me feel alive.' 'I'm sure it does,' replied Captain Bill, 'it's just I'm afraid that if I fall off I'll end up feeling dead....which I'd rather like to avoid.' 'But it's perfectly safe,' said Horace. And he jumped up and down a few times. 'Please don't do that!' said Captain Bill. 'After all we wouldn't want you to come to any harm, not with only a week to go.' 'That's what I wanted to talk to you about,' said Horace. 'I thought it might be,' replied Captain Bill. Horace sighed and looked out across the sea. 'I....I was wondering if you had any advice?' 'ME?' mooed Captain Bill. 'Well you are my Captain,' said Horace. 'Yes,' replied Captain Bill, '....erm.....well....erm, I suppose it's a bit like...

Norma stared at Bertha.......VERY, VERY HARD. 'Ha!' mooed Norma. 'You twitched!' 'Never,' said Bertha. 'You did!' replied Norma. 'Involuntary horn spasm,' said Bertha. 'Rubbish!' said Norma and she stared at Bertha again...VERY, VERY, VERY HARD. 'You did it again!' exclaimed Norma. 'That proves it! There is something going on!' 'No, no, no!' replied Bertha. 'There must be,' said Norma. 'You might think you're tough but you twitched....now what is it?' 'Nothing,' said Bertha. '.......what are you doing on the 14th?' 'Why?' 'Just asking,' said Bertha. 'Only you might want to leave it free.....around lunchtime.' Norma herded closer to Bertha. 'I know what day that is,' she said. 'Fine,' said Bertha, '.....maybe dress up a bit, nice shawl, smidge of lippy, catch you later.' And with that Bertha ran off. 'I thought you were a friend!...

'So I thought,' puffed Captain Bill. 'Well you thought wrong then,' replied Bertha. 'But,' gasped Captain Bill, '...actually could we just stop a second?' Bertha slowed down a tiny bit. 'After all, you are her friend,' said Captain Bill. 'And you're her Captain,' replied Bertha. 'Indeed,' agreed Captain Bill, 'and if it were something Captainy...but we both know this isn't.' 'So?' asked Bertha. 'Well just drop a general hint,' continued Captain Bill, 'just make sure she leaves the day free, there's no need to go into detail.' Bertha stopped at the top of the rise. 'And the table and all the arrangements?' 'I'll lend a hoof,' replied Captain Bill, 'get it done in half the time.' 'Hmm,' said Bertha. 'Brilliant!' said Captain Bill. 'You know it makes sense! But remember, only tell her the bare minimum.' 'That,' replied Bertha, ...

'And then,' said Captain Bill, 'there's the thorny problem of the menu.' 'Bertha's arranging the flowers,' replied Annie. 'So that's the starters taken care of,' continued Captain Bill. 'What about the main course?' 'Sedge Kiev,' said Cyril, 'in a dandelion sauce.' 'I like it!' mooed Captain Bill, 'I like it a lot!' 'So do I,' replied Cyril, 'that's why I made 50.' '50!' 'Not enough?' asked Cyril, 'I would happily make more.' 'Of course it's enough!' replied Captain Bill. 'Where are you going to keep them?' 'No problem,' said Cyril, 'I've eaten them.' Captain Bill looked at Cyril. 'You've set this whole thing up just so that you can scoff food!' 'Taste,' replied Cyril, 'I have tasted the food. You can't have an event of this importance and leave things to chance.' 'How many desserts?...

'But you do like her?' asked Captain Bill. 'Well...' began Horace. 'Look we all know very well that you do!' said Bertha. Horace glanced down at his hoofs. 'It's just.......difficult,' he said. 'Which is where we stampede in!' said Captain Bill. 'I'm not sure....' 'It'll be fine,' said Captain Bill. 'But...' 'It's going to be a meal for two,' continued Captain Bill. 'Cyril's doing the cooking, Annie to assist. Bertha's going to arrange the table, candles, cutlery, etc, etc and I'm in a sort of supervisory role. What could possibly go wrong?' 'Errrrr?' said Horace. 'And Geraldine's going to serve, 'added Cyril. 'It'll save on hiring a uniform.' 'Although we may still get her a hat,' added Captain Bill, 'depends on what the organising sub-committee think.' 'Organising sub-committee!' mooed Horace. And Annie did a little dance ...