Cow Island

Evening all, Right, hope you can hear me above the noise. I have asked Annie to turn it down, it's well past 10pm. I don't know about you but while I don't mind a party I can't help thinking that everyone tends to go rather over the top. So anyway, I just thought we could have a quick moment together after all the recent excitement. Of course it all turned out pretty much as I was expecting...apart from the whole Penguin of the Year business but I don't see how anyone could have predicted that! I suppose the others will have a new found respect for young Geraldine but I must say, on my own behalf, that it was already there. A major part of top captaincy is spotting both the strengths and weaknesses in your squad and always felt that Geraldine was being rather overlooked..what with her being so small. But things will be different from now on, I may even promote her above Bertha, who let's face it could do with coming down a peg or two. Right I'm off to have a...

'Oh! No! No!' mooed Annie. 'It sounds as if you were asking a larch, they're never good with directions, they don't get around much. For up to the minute navigational guidance you need to talk to an oak or a horse chestnut.' Norma tried to take this in. 'Still you got here in the end,' added Annie. 'It seemed to take for ever though,' replied Norma, 'which I concede may have proved quite useful.' 'You do appear to be non squiffified,' remarked Annie. 'I probably only had one glass,' replied Norma, 'but it must have gone straight to my horns.' 'Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss,' said Annie, '......Anyway, the big question is, do you still have your dancing hooves with you?' Very gingerly Norma waved each hoof in turn. 'Yippee!' said Annie. 'Now do you have a request?' 'Something slow and quiet,' replied Norma. Annie shook her head. 'Something incredibly loud and r...

'You'll have to speak up a bit,' said Cyril. 'I said I'm concerned,' mooed Horace. 'She'll turn up,' said Cyril. 'But it's not like her to miss a party,' replied Horace. 'True,' said Cyril, 'but Bertha's with her.' 'Hmm,' replied Horace, 'I just thought, if you could spare Annie?' 'Sorry old chum,' said Cyril, 'there are quite a few people who've come along just because they know that Annie's running the music. I just can't spare her.' 'Right,' replied Horace. 'I'll tell you what,' said Cyril, 'I'll have a word with her Queenship, she'll have a few flunkies hanging around doing nothing.' 'If you could,' replied Horace, 'just for a quick look around.' 'The thing is,' said Cyril, 'knowing Norma and Bertha, they'll just home in on the sound of the music anyway. If we open a couple of bottles of bubbles and waft ...

'And so,' continued Norma, 'myself and my very good friend, Ms Bertha.' 'Hello!' said Bertha. 'We were wondering if you might be so kind as to direct us towards the Ms Geraldine, Penguin of the Year After Show Party.' 'If you don't mind me saying so,' said Bertha, 'that wasn't the most helpful of answers.' 'I didn't think it was an answer at all!' mooed Norma. 'You don't think,' said Bertha, 'you don't think it was because you were asking a tree?' Norma shook her head and her hat fell off. 'Annie's always talking to trees,' she replied, 'and they always talk back to her.' 'We do...we do only have her word on that,' pointed out Bertha. 'Very true, 'said Norma. 'Perhaps,' suggested Bertha, '...perhaps we need to ask her to ask the tree?' Norma thought about this. 'Annie!' she called out. 'Annie!' called Bertha. 'ANNIE!' sc...

'Honestly,' said Captain Bill, 'it's been a real eye opener.' 'I couldn't agree more,' replied Horace, 'and I'm pretty sure I can get several poems out of it.' 'Any limericks?' asked Captain Bill. 'Er?' said Horace. 'Well not to worry,' said Captain Bill, 'just try and get a few laughs into the poetry.' 'You know I'm sometimes not at all sure that you understand poetry,' replied Horace. 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill, 'not sure anyone does really, but what I do understand is just how hard it is waiting on tables.' 'I think my hooves fell off about 2 hours ago,' replied Horace. 'They'll be in a pile somewhere with mine,' said Captain Bill, 'still it's all over now.' 'Err?' said Horace. 'Which means we should be able to look forward to a little peace and quiet.' 'Except,' said Horace. 'And there'll be no chance of Norma and Bert...

'It's rather a small trophy,' mooed Annie. 'Mmm,' agreed Cyril. 'I like the iceberg though.' 'That was my idea,' replied Cyril. 'I suspect that from now on all trophies will have to have icebergs in them,' said Annie. 'I suspect they will,' said Cyril. And at this point Geraldine waved at the gathering crowd and dived off of the iceberg and swam around in her trophy. 'Star material,' observed Cyril, 'she knows exactly what her fans want.' 'I don't suppose they'd be wanting me to dive in with her?' asked Annie. 'Maybe later,' said Cyril. 'Well if you're not going to,' interrupted Norman and he lowered Annie gently to the ground. 'Thanks,' said Annie. 'My pleasure,' replied Norman. 'Now,' said Cyril, 'I think there's only one way to properly celebrate Geraldine's triumph....more champagne anyone?' And everyone said they would have a glass...excep...

'Although of course there is much more to an elephant than just a trunk,' said Norman. Annie nodded in agreement. 'But people just don't seem to see past it,' continued Norman. Annie nodded again and gave Norman a hug. 'So whatcha been doing?' she asked. 'Er well,' replied Norman, 'you know, keeping busy, mostly washing windows, lifting heavy objects...it's been primarily trunk based employment.' Annie gave Norman another hug. 'Bow tie looks good,' she said. 'Thanks,' replied Norman, 'tricky business the old security game. You want to try to blend in a bit with the clientele.' 'From a distance I'd have thought you were just another pengiming,' said Annie. 'That's good,' replied Norman, 'it sort of makes all the extra effort seem worthwhile.' 'So would there be any chance?' asked Annie. 'Of course,' replied Norman and he lifted Annie onto his back. 'Where to?'...

'That's 1st Time Author as well!' mooed Bertha. 'GO GERALDINE!' screamed Norma. 'Oooooooooooooooooooh!' said Bertha. 'She's seen us.' 'Wave for me,' said Norma. So Bertha waved and Geraldine waved back. 'We know her,' said Norma to no-one in particular. 'She is a close personal friend,' added Bertha. 'Are there....are there any nibbles?' asked Norma. 'Hang on,' replied Bertha, 'I'll have a look.........Yes! On the table.' 'Most excellent,' mooed Norma. 'Now where is the table?' 'It's here,' replied Bertha and she banged her head on the table to indicate it's location. 'Oh goodie!' said Norma, 'and is there just a drop more wine?' 'Er?' replied Bertha, '....er.....no!' 'Bleh!' said Norma. 'I agree,' replied Bertha. 'Waiter......Waiter..........WAITER!' 'Right,' said Captain Bill, 'that's it! I...

'But One wanted the '05!' said Queen Phoebe. 'Well '07 isn't far out,' replied Captain Bill, '.....it's still got an 0 in it.' 'I'll drink it,' offered Cyril. 'You would!' replied Captain Bill. 'I say!' said Queen Phoebe, 'One would ask the staff to treat the guests with a little more respect. Lord Sir Cyril of Promotionshire is a valuable member of the awards community.' 'Is he?' replied Captain Bill. 'Indeed he is,' continued Queen Phoebe, 'and what is more if he's willing to cut One's hubby in on a slice of the film rights to Hippo Island, One would allow him to guzzle whatever takes his fancy.' 'Film rights!' mooed Captain Bill. 'He's even hinted that there might be a part for myself and his royal regalness,' said Queen Phoebe. At this point Geraldine waved her wings around and chattered away for a while. 'Yes,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'I agree, ...

'I'm just asking you not to,' said Horace. 'Believe me,' replied Captain Bill, 'I don't want to be serving anybody at all.' 'Well, I'm not really bothered about the others,' said Horace, '....just Norma.' 'I'll try to avoid her,' replied Captain Bill, 'given how busy I am it shouldn't be difficult.' 'Thank you,' said Horace. 'And in return,' said Captain Bill, '3 bottles of house white and 4 glasses to table 17.' 'Sorry?' replied Horace. 'Won't take you 2 minutes,' said Captain Bill. 'But I'm a poet!' said Horace. 'Fine!' replied Captain Bill. 'you can recite something as you go if you want, doesn't bother me...probably won't bother them either....and there's a selection of nibbles to go to table 12...but no anchovies.' 'Anchovies?' mooed Horace. 'One of them has some sort of allergy,' replied Captain Bill, '...

'Oooooooooooh! Well done!' mooed Norma. 'That's Most Orange Feet and Best Penguin in a Non Penguin Environment,' said Bertha. 'Go Geraldine!' shouted Norma. 'Errrrr?' said Horace. 'What?' said Norma. 'People looking,' said Horace. Norma turned and waved at a few penguins....who waved back. 'What's next?' asked Norma. 'Most Black and White Penguin,' replied Bertha. 'Go Geraldine!' shouted Norma. 'She not actually nominated for this one,' pointed out Bertha. 'Well she should be,' replied Norma. 'Pengimings!' mooed Annie. 'Oh! There's Cyril,' said Bertha. 'Where?' said Norma. 'Over there with Geraldine,' said Bertha. 'You have to say he looks good all dressed up,' said Norma. 'Go Cyril!' 'I agree,' replied Bertha. 'Go Cyril!' 'Pengimings!' mooed Annie. 'This bottle's empty,' said Norma. 'Waiter!' cal...

'Psst!' said Norma. 'What?' said Captain Bill. 'I just thought you'd like to know,' said Norma, 'Bertha and I think you're doing a grand job.' 'Wonderful!' exclaimed Captain Bill, 'a real comfort!' 'I don't think there's any need for that tone,' mooed Bertha. 'And Geraldine's just won Most Orange Feet,' added Norma. 'Fine!' said Captain Bill. 'Look!' said Norma. 'I did try to warn you about this. I said you were making a rod for your own back.' 'Well I thought if I just served that first one,' replied Captain Bill. 'But now they're all convinced you're a waiter,' said Norma. 'Did you mention table 3?' asked Bertha. 'Oh no!' replied Norma, 'and table 3 need more nibbles.' 'Well they'll have to wait!' hissed Captain Bill. 'Bit rude!' replied Norma, 'by the way, Bertha and I were wondering....any tips?' ...

'They're very good seats,' said Bertha. 'I think Geraldine got them for us,' replied Norma. 'Well now she's a published author!' mooed Horace. 'Don't start!' said Norma. 'Pengimings!' screamed Annie. 'Will you please stop doing that!' said Captain Bill. '...........................................No,' replied Annie, '.............Pengimings!' 'Could we swap?' asked Captain Bill. 'I'm fine where I am,' replied Bertha. 'Norma?' 'I'm settled now,' replied Norma. 'Pengimings!' screamed Annie. 'We'll get thrown out,' said Captain Bill. 'I doubt it,' replied Norma. 'So where's Cyril?' asked Captain Bill. 'Perhaps there's a special publishers table,' suggested Horace. 'Please!' snapped Norma. 'Pengimings!' screamed Annie. 'Right, I'm leaving,' said Captain Bill. But before he could move a penguin wad...

'Feel silly,' said Captain Bill. 'But you look fine,' replied Norma. 'Do we....' asked Captain Bill. 'Yes,' replied Norma. 'But couldn't I...' 'No,' replied Norma. 'I'm fine with the hat,' said Captain Bill. 'It'll only be for a few hours,' replied Norma, 'and if it's any comfort you look extra captainy.' 'Really?' asked Captain Bill. 'Really,' said Norma, 'and everyone else will be dressed up as well, so it'll all be fine.' 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill. 'Trust me,' said Norma. 'And I do seem to be the centre of attention,' said Captain Bill and he indicated a growing number of penguins who were gathering around him. 'That's very true,' replied Norma and she watched as one of the penguins tapped Captain Bill and squawked at him. 'Odd!' said Captain Bill. 'Perhaps he wants an autograph?' 'Possibly,' replied Norma, as ...

'Afternoon,' mooed Bertha. 'Er!' said Cyril. 'I'm tempted to say caught red handed,' said Bertha, 'but perhaps orange footed would be more appropriate?' 'It's not what it seems,' said Cyril. 'Yes it is!' replied Bertha, 'it's exactly what it seems....that's why Norma asked me to keep an eye on you.' 'But they're all up to it,' said Cyril. 'Really?' said Bertha. 'Foot painting, beak varnishing....I saw one yesterday that had four wings!' 'Why do I doubt that?' said Bertha. 'No idea,' replied Cyril. 'I think,' continued Bertha, 'it might be connected with your basic inability to tell the truth about anything.' 'Harsh!' said Cyril. 'Well,' said Bertha, 'just so we understand each other, Geraldine's feet are already easily orange enough to win, and she's good enough to win the other prizes, including Penguin of the Year and if you d...

'Look feel free to come in if you want to,' said Norma. 'Rather not,' replied Captain Bill. 'It's only a hat room,' said Norma. 'Still,' replied Captain Bill, 'it is a ladies hat room.' 'Well I may still need to ask you to hold the ladder,' said Norma, 'I think the one Bertha wants is on the top shelf.' 'Would have been nice if she'd made more of an effort herself,' said Captain Bill. 'She's already doing a favour for me,' replied Norma. 'So you can do one in turn for her.' 'But do we really need to be doing this at all?' asked Captain Bill. 'Oh, we must!' replied Norma. 'After all how often do we get asked to an awards ceremony? We've got to get dressed up....and it is for Geraldine as well.' 'I'll probably just go as I am,' said Captain Bill. 'No you won't!' mooed Norma. 'You of all people need to make an effort.' 'Hmm,' said ...

'Anyway, I thought you had someone helping you?' said Norma. 'I had to let them go,' replied Horace, 'I couldn't afford the sardines, but please don't change the subject.' 'I'm not trying to change it,' replied Norma, 'and as I've said I had no more of an idea what was happening than anyone else did...other than Cyril....or Annie....or Geraldine.' 'So a penguin can get published but not me!' mooed Horace. 'I think that's a bit unfair,' replied Norma, 'I suppose Cyril just thought he could sell it. Geraldine's penguiness didn't have anything to do with it.' 'Well they should at least have talked to me about it,' said Horace, 'I could have written the forward to it...or a couple of poems for it....or something.' That would have been nice,' replied Norma, 'but there's nothing we can do about it now...but perhaps you could ask them if you could contribute something to the...

Good morning / evening / just around nommage time (delete as required). Are you a Pengiming? If you're not sure go and have a quick look in a mirror. If you find you're staring at someone who is small, dressed entirely in black and white and have a half eaten sardine hanging out the side of your beak then there's a very high chance* that you are. If so then I'd like to crave a few moments of your time. As you are no doubt aware the first annual Pengiming of the Year Awards are now taking place.....and your vote counts! Now all pengimings are special and need to be hugged on a regular basis but I'd like to put in a word for one in particular....Geraldine....she's my chum. She's always helpful and often just wanders around with a plate full of cake just in case I feel like I need a slice...and I often do! Also she is veryyyyyyyyyyy cute and has the most orange feet (official). So I'm asking you to vote for her...NOW! Thank you Annie * 97.3% on the Am I a P...

'And the other night, his little gorgeous regalness went for a bath and there were 15 of them down the shallow end alone!' 'Oh dear!' replied Horace. 'Indeed,' said Queen Phoebe, 'and One can't open a fridge without finding a dozen of them on each shelf.' 'It can't be easy,' sympathised Horace. 'Well it isn't,' continued Queen Phoebe. 'But I have to say,' said Horace, 'I'm not quite sure why all of that should be a barrier to my suggestion.' 'As I've explained,' said Queen Phoebe, 'there is a limit to what even his crownliness can do and bunging in extra categories willy nilly is a step too far.' 'Well then could you just let me read a few out?' They'd all be about Penguins and my assistant, Gilbert, with whom I have never worked before, would be onstage with me so there'd be a real penguin aspect to the whole thing.' 'Hmm,' said Queen Phoebe, 'I'll th...

'The thing about your top stars,' explained Cyril, 'you need to limit their public appearances...helps to create a bit of mystic about them.' 'Hmm,' said Norma, 'just so long as it's in her best interest.' 'Would I consider anything else?' asked Cyril. Norma looked at Cyril. 'You know,' she said, 'a thought just occurred to me.' 'And?' asked Cyril. 'Geraldine did actually write this didn't she?' 'On that matter you may rest easy,' replied Cyril. 'She and Annie came to me with the first four chapters already written.' 'Annie as well!' mooed Norma. 'Well someone had to do the translation,' replied Cyril. 'But she never said anything to me,' said Norma. 'Annie can keep a secret if she needs to,' replied Cyril, 'she's far cleverer than anyone gives her credit for.' 'Well I know that,' agreed Norma, '...but still....' 'She's fine...

'He'll work it out eventually,' said Norma. 'I doubt it!' replied Cyril. 'But I spotted it in seconds,' said Norma. 'That doesn't mean he will,' replied Cyril. 'And Bertha was a bit peeved at first,' added Norma, 'so she'll have something to say.' 'Her type always does,' replied Cyril. 'Well I just think you might have been a little more subtle,' continued Norma. 'Surely you could have come up with a better name than Cuddly Bovine Publishing?' 'I don't see why I should have to hide away,' replied Cyril, 'I'm proud of my involvement in the arts.' 'And just what sort of contract did you get Geraldine to sign?' 'She'll be well catered for,' replied Cyril, 'actually in a quite literal sense, seeing as she wanted to be paid in fish.' 'Well I'll be keeping a close eye on your dealings with young Geraldine,' warned Norma, '...although now I co...

'It's quite sympathetically written really,' said Norma. 'I still think it would have been nice if Geraldine had asked first,' replied Bertha. 'I suppose so,' said Norma. 'Well I just don't see it,' mooed Captain Bill, 'you're honestly saying this is based on us?' 'Of course it is!' replied Bertha. 'But I don't see how it can be,' said Captain Bill, 'I mean take this Captain Bert, the man's a complete buffoon!' 'Errrr?' said Norma. 'Look here,' continued Captain Bill, 'on page 47, he manages to sink his ship before he even gets aboard it!' 'Oh, don't give the plot away,' mooed Bertha, 'I haven't got that far yet!' 'Actually I'd forgotten that had happened,' added Norma. 'And he doesn't know his Port from his Starboliarboliboard,' added Captain Bill. 'Well I have to say I'm rather enjoying it,' said Norma. 'It's n...

'And that one is a pengiming and that one is a pengiming and that one is a pengiming and you see that one over there?' 'Yes,' said Cyril. 'It's a pengiming!' mooed Annie and she smiled a very large smile. 'You seem to know a lot about them,' said Cyril. Annie nodded. 'I like pengimings,' she said. 'And what about that one?' asked Cyril and he pointed at a penguin that was wearing a crown. 'That's a king pengiming,' replied Annie, 'and you see that one?' And here Annie pointed out a particularly fat penguin. 'Yes,' said Cyril. 'That's a Cyril pengiming,' said Annie and she giggled until she fell over. 'I could take offence at that!' said Cyril. 'Would you take it with cream or custard?' asked Annie. Cyril thought for a while. 'Both,' he said at last. 'I thought you might,' replied Annie. 'Now if you don't mind I would like to go and look at some pengimings....

'Errrm?' said Norma. 'Wellllllll?' said Bertha. 'Extraordinary!!!' said Captain Bill. Norma herded a little closer so she could read the back cover. 'The hilarious misadventures of six comic hippos,' she quoted, 'you'll laugh until you feel like eating a few sardines.' 'Hmm,' said Bertha. 'And.....and Geraldine's actually written this?' queried Captain Bill. 'It would appear so,' replied Norma. 'Incredible!!' said Captain Bill. '500 pages of hilarious mishaps and silliness complete with illustrations,' continued Norma, as she read more of the publicity. 'I rather think I'd like to have a word with young Geraldine,' mooed Bertha. 'You're not the only one,' added Norma. 'I just find it difficult to believe,' said Captain Bill, 'I mean...she doesn't know any hippos!'