Cow Island

'........................Sorry!' muttered Flossie. 'We were all behind you,' replied Lefty. 'Still my fault,' said Flossie.  'Lads'll stay loyal' replied Lefty. 'Kind of you!' said Flossie. 'And I should have listened more to Hooky,' continued Flossie. Hooky tapped lightly on the window sill. 'No I should have!' replied Flossie. 'It's just................it's just for a moment it felt like the old days. Proper pirating...like it used to be.' 'And how it will be again,' said Lefty. And the flock all bleated in agreement. Don't suppose there's much point in asking for a bit of space?' said Flossie. 'Not really!' replied Lefty. 'So this is it then!' continued Flossie. 'Another spell behind bars to look forward to.' 'Should never give up hope,' said Lefty. 'I know,' replied Flossie, 'but you have to admit there's not ...

'I never want to be rescued from the dastardly hooves of ruthless pirate sheep by being pulled through an 'ole in the ceiling by the trunk of an elephant ever again!' sighed Queen Phoebe. 'Are you traumamaurmeratasised?' asked Annie. 'I think I am!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Would a bun help? I made them for Mr Norman but I'm sure he wouldn't mind sharing.' 'Erm?' said Queen Phoebe and Norman. 'Or perhaps my chum Horace could read you some soothing poetry?' 'Is it really necessary?' asked Queen Phoebe. 'I doubt it!' replied Annie. '..........but he's not had a lot of lines recently.' 'I'll manage without,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Also,' continued Annie, 'I'm to tell you that the ruthless pirate fluffies....' 'Sheep!' said Queen Phoebe. 'Possibly those as well!' replied Annie. 'That they are all now safely contained in what was ...

'Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Etcetera, etcetera,' said Flossie. 'And revenge and death?' asked Lefty. 'Indeed! Indeed!' replied Flossie. 'Definately revenge and death. Basically very much the same speech as last time but in a more appropriate setting as we now seem to have found someone to take revenge upon.' 'Think we all get the picture,' said Lefty. And the flock bleated in agreement. 'One is not afraid!' said Queen Phoebe. 'Your choice!' replied Flossie. 'Fear, no fear, doesn't make much difference to us.' 'And Dave still gets first go with the pointy sword?' asked Lefty. 'Seems only fair,' replied Flossie. 'Now before we go on, any questions?' Hooky tapped several times, then stopped, then tapped some more.. 'Well,' replied Flossie, 'glad you raised that, there's no getting away from it, two white gates to go through, freshly laid grass, big arrow sign on the wall...

'You're quite sure?' asked Annie. 'Only you were running very fast!' 'Just the two!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Perhaps if they're invisible even you don't know you've got them?' 'One is fairly confident.' 'Maybe after all this is over we could double check?' 'Is there someone up there more sensible that I could speak to?' said Queen Phoebe. 'Mr Norman's here,' replied Annie. 'Norman!' said Queen Phoebe.  'Hello!' said Norman. 'You know what you've got to do?' 'I do!' replied Norman. 'And you'll be careful?' asked Queen Phoebe. 'I'll try my best!' replied Norman. 'And you won't forget?' 'I'm an elephant!' replied Norman and he waved his trunk about. 'So you are!' said Queen Phoebe. And Annie was just about to ask a supplementary question about invisible legs...when Norma arrived. ...

'Ha! Ha! Go at them me lucky lads! Care not for health and safety! Run 'em through! Death! Death, slaughter and a bit more death! Kill 'em...Kill 'em a.....' 'There's nobody here,' said Lefty. '.....Oh! So there isn't!' bleated Flossie. 'Sorry, got carried away! Didn't notice.' 'Good speech though.' 'Did you like it? I didn't have time to write anything down. I was trying to keep it inspirational but short. I didn't want to get bogged down in the whole, we've only got one pointy sword, form a queue, take it turns, Dave gets first go because it's his, thing. Sometimes in leadership you have to take a back seat and show confidence in others abilities to problem solve.' 'I think you got it just right,' replied Lefty, 'and the 'care not for health and safety' quip went down very well.' 'I confess I had thought of that a while ago,' said Flossie. 'Just b...

'Here they come!' mooed Norma. 'Are there many of them?' asked Captain Bill. 'Well if you stood up you'd see!' replied Norma. 'I'd rather not!' said Captain Bill. 'It might scare them off.' 'HA!' called out Bertha from the cows nest. 'Thank you!' replied Captain Bill. 'It really would be nice if you'd show a little more leadership,' said Norma. 'I am leading!' replied Captain Bill. 'I just thought I'd keep a low profile.' 'Any lower and you'd be below deck!' observed Norma. 'Now there's a thought!' 'Don't you dare!' said Norma. 'And anyway it's up to us to hold them here until Cyril gives us the signal.' 'And if you go before then I'll jump on you from here!' called out Bertha from the cows nest. 'It's all aggression with her!' said Captain Bill. 'She means well,' replied Norma. '...

'No really,' said Flossie, 'I'm quite happy to wait, I'm sure we all are!' And the flock bleated in unison. 'No! No!' replied Lefty. 'I wouldn't here of it.' 'But it doesn't seem right,' said Flossie, 'not without her.' 'I should have gone after her straight away,' conceded Lefty. 'Perhaps we should all go and look?' said Flossie. 'She won't have gone far, I'm sure of it,' replied Lefty. 'Does she ever use the old... you know?' asked Flossie. 'The frame?' said Lefty. 'Mmm.' 'She didn't take to it,' replied Lefty. 'She hates anything like that. Reminds her that she's getting old I suppose.' 'Honestly, this can wait,' said Flossie. 'We can split up...' Hooky tapped furiously. 'We can stay together,' corrected Flossie, 'and have ten minutes looking for her and then get on with the vicious po...

'And Mr Norman says he can do as you asked and Queen Thingymeboggle has agreed and Geraldine is going to cut the hole where you requested,' mooed Annie as she ran alongside Cyril. Cyril slowed down. 'I can take things easily then!' he said. 'I think it suits you,' replied Annie. 'It's much more me,' said Cyril. 'But you did run all of,' and at this point Annie got out a tape measure, 'about 4 inches.' 'I've not done that in years!' said Cyril. 'You look better for it,' replied Annie. 'Toned?' asked Cyril. Annie shrugged her horns. 'Whatever!' she replied. 'Also I need to inform you that I'm going to marry a King and have fifteen tiny invisible legs fitted.' 'Do I get to be best man?' asked Cyril. 'If you want to,' replied Annie. 'You'd probably have to make me an Earl before I could do it.' 'I'd rather make you ten breakfas...

'Why?' gasped Captain Bill. 'What does he want with them?' 'I don't know,' replied Norma. 'But he says he's got a plan.' 'Eleventy billion squillion miles he made me carry them!' 'I think he helped?' said Norma. 'My hooves have worn away!' continued Captain Bill. 'Perhaps you would benefit from having fifteen tiny invisible legs?'  'What?' said Captain Bill. 'Nothing,' replied Norma. 'I could have been attacked with a pointy sword at any moment!'  'Were you?' asked Norma. 'Who knows!' continued Captain Bill. 'I'm too tired to care!' 'So shall I leave you there?' asked Norma. 'NO!' mooed Captain Bill. 'You'll have to move yourself then,' replied Norma. 'The utterly ruthless pirate sheep can't be far behind.' 'You'll have to carry me.' 'I can't!' replied Norma. 'So...

'Just....just let go! Cyril! CYRIL! Let go! LET GO!' 'You panic, you know that don't you!' replied Cyril. Captain Bill turned and faced Cyril. 'Panicking is there for a reason!' he mooed. 'It's a perfectly justifiable response to being chased with pointy swords!' 'It's a lovely day!' said Cyril. 'What?' replied Captain Bill. 'It's a lovely day,' repeated Cyril. 'If you didn't panic so much you'd be more aware of these sort of things.' 'If I get run through with a pointy sword I shall be aware of very little!' replied Captain Bill. 'Wonderful autumn colours,' continued Cyril. 'Raw siennas, oranges, soft lemon yellows.' 'Have you been drinking?' asked Captain Bill. 'A nip of sedge brandy nothing more,' replied Cyril. 'Look!' said Captain Bill. 'If you want to muse lyrically about the time of year that's up to you but...

'Well,' said Norma, 'I suppose it is a bit like kiss chase but you'd have to replace the word 'kiss' with the words 'horrible pointy sword death'.' 'Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!' mooed Annie. 'That doesn't sound like anywhere near as much fun.' 'Indeed!' replied Norma. 'Which is why I'm suggesting to you that you don't go back for your hat and we simply knit you another one once we're safely home.' 'Perhaps I could get the shrimps to knit if for me?' said Annie. 'I'm sure they've been missing you,' replied Norma. 'Now maybe we should concentrate on catching up with the others?' 'Queen Whateverhernameis can run very quickly considering that she's only got two legs!' said Annie. 'It's come as a surprise to me as well!' replied Norma.  'Perhaps she's got fifteen tiny invisible legs that she only uses for special occasions?...

'Ha! Ha! Ha! Shiver me tail and run 'em off the gang plank!.............You're right you know!' bleated Flossie. 'I seem to have got more enthusiasm back into it.' 'There's more gravitas in your voice,' replied Lefty. 'I think this whole seeking bloody revenge after selling a solid gold crown for a pile of useless rubbish fiasco might have been just the sort of motivational factor that you've been looking for.' 'It's true!' agreed Flossie. 'I think it's really helped focus my mind, taken me back towards the sort of core pirating activities that I always used to enjoy so much!' 'So do you think you'll stick with it?' asked Lefty. 'Have to wait and see,' replied Flossie. 'But if this new mood continues I don't see why not.' 'Flock'll be very pleased to hear it!' said Lefty. And with that they both turned to look back up the hill. 'We really are going to...

'And so on behalf of all of us,' continued Norma, 'I would just like to say how pleased we are to be able to return your crown to you.' 'Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'And of course, at this important moment, I'd like to say a special thank you to my hubby, King Otto, don't we all love 'im, without whom none of this would have been possible!'  'Er?' mooed Norma. 'It has been his truly inspirational leadership what has seen you all through this difficult time.' 'Possibly?' said Norma. 'There were others...Norman for instance.' 'Norman!' exclaimed Queen Phoebe. 'He's...he's like a son to me. A great big elephant son wh at eats buns and is cheap to employ!' 'Although you did sack him,' pointed out Norma. 'I gave him his freedom!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Go out! I said, go out into the world and make your fortune!' But you...

'No!...........No! It's...........it's not gone at all well!' bleated Flossie. 'Seemed to at the time!' replied Lefty. 'Oh!.....I couldn't agree more,' said Flossie, 'but on reflection...........we seem to have been tucked up like a kipper!' 'I actually felt sorry for him at one point,' added Lefty. 'Me too!' replied Flossie. 'But...at the end of the day......well...........well we seem to have sold a solid gold crown for a piece of carpet that's held together with bits of rope that look like they should be in a museum, one of those things that makes your cabin smell nice and a painting.' '.................................Yer!' said Lefty. 'I'm not even sure what it's supposed to be?' 'Orange, cedarwood and clove I think?' replied Lefty. 'No I meant the painting,' said Flossie. 'It's a landscape,' replied Lefty. 'Right!' muttered Flo...

'Afternoon!' said Flossie. 'Afternoon!' said Cyril. 'Busy?' asked Flossie. Cyril looked around him. 'Not really,' he replied. 'See you've got some crowns,' continued Flossie. 'Mmm,' said Cyril. 'Want to buy another?' asked Flossie. Cyril thought for a while. 'Not really,' he said. 'To tell you the truth...I should never have bought the others.' 'Oh!' said Flossie. 'I'm a fool to myself really,' replied Cyril. 'I went a bit...crown mad. I had this idea I could corner the market. I simply had no idea how many royal type personages there are out there.' 'One more wouldn't hurt though,' suggested Flossie. 'Make a nice collection.' 'True!' replied Cyril. 'And it's a good one!' added Flossie. 'Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll?' said Cyril. 'Go on!' said Flossie. 'Problem i...

'Errrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?' sighed Flossie. 'Not sure what to suggest really?' 'I blame myself!' replied Lefty. 'No! No! Not your fault!' said Flossie. 'But I'm the one who's got us lost!' bleated Lefty. 'Couldn't be helped,' replied Flossie. 'There must be something wrong with this plan.' 'It's easy enough to follow,' said Lefty. 'There are a heck of a lot of health and safety stalls!' '12!' replied Lefty. 'I counted them.' 'Strange thing is I can still hear the jamboree going on!' added Flossie. 'I know!' replied Lefty. 'But I can't see even a single tent or marquee!' 'We must be just on the edge of it,' said Flossie. Hooky tapped at a sign he was standing next to. 'Trouble is they don't seem to have helped,' replied Flossie. 'Made it worse if you ask me,' said Lefty. 'Well we have to find our way...

'Well pointy sword or no pointy sword, I'm not bothered!' bleated Flossie. 'If we have to run we have to run!' 'You'll hear no disagreement from me!' replied Lefty. 'We need to get this crown business over and done with!' 'The lads feel the same way!' replied Lefty. And the flock all gave a rather gasping running cheer. 'And you're certain that you saw her?' 'It was only for a moment,' replied Lefty, 'but it was her alright! A second sighting of her royal personage and no mistake! Although obviously she didn't have a crown on.' 'I wish I'd seen her myself!' continued Flossie, 'only I found myself momentarily distracted by what appeared to be a mad pirate doing a waltz.' Hooky tapped twice. 'I polka then!' corrected Flossie. 'The whole jamboree's been very strange!' replied Lefty. 'Maybe give it a miss next year?' suggested Flossie. ...

'And there's nothing left! mooed Captain Bill. 'Nothing! Nothing at all!' 'OK!' replied Horace. 'Not even the carpets!' continued Captain Bill. 'I don't think there's anything I can do about it!' said Horace. 'I'm not asking you to do anything about it!' said Captain Bill. 'I'm just telling you!' 'I've not been back to the ship for ages,' replied Horace. 'Well your cabin's fine! Everyone else's is fine! It's just mine! Even the porthole's gone...and the ceiling!' '................................Right!' said Horace. 'So what's happening here? Norma said I should come and help.' 'I've got to wave a flag.' said Horace. 'And you need help with that?' 'Norma seemed to think I might.' 'And what about this painting?' '..............................................................I may have knocked ...

'It won't be for long!' mooed Norma. 'Er?' said Horace. 'It's simple really,' continued Norma.  'But?' said Horace. 'Bertha needs to get Algernon...' 'Who?' asked Horace. 'Algernon!' replied Norma. '....The giraffe!' 'Oh!' said Horace. 'She needs to get Algernon into place and then arrange to move Norman to sector 3 while Geraldine co-ordinates with the hedgehogs over the turn left signs so that we can push the terribly hostile pirate sheep into zone alpha 6.' 'But couldn't you?' asked Horace. 'No!' replied Norma. 'As I've already explained I need to liaise with Queen Phoebe and then be on hoof to give her her cue when Annie does a polka so that she, that's Queen Phoebe, can briefly appear but it all hinges on you giving the right signal at the right time.' 'Er?' said Horace. 'You just have to wave a flag!' exclaimed Norm...

Hooky tapped furiously. 'No, he's got it the right way up!' replied Flossie. Lefty held up the map so everyone could see. Hooky tapped once. 'Apology accepted!' replied Lefty. 'So where do you think we should be?' asked Flossie. 'Errrrrrrrr, there!' replied Lefty and he indicated a space between two tents. 'What are they?' 'That one's the Big Cannon Tea Tent and the other one's a health and safety advisory stall...although I must admit there are several of those.' Flossie glanced about him. 'Don't actually seem to be near anything!' 'That's the thing I can't explain,' replied Lefty. 'Could we turn back?' suggested Flossie. Slightly Threatening Dave pointed to the no entry sign. 'OK!' said Flossie. 'Good idea though,' replied Lefty. 'So where are we trying to get to?' asked Flossie. 'There!' replied Lefty. 'Diamond Doris...

'I really am so sorry,' trumpeted Norman. 'It's just one of those things,' replied Norma. 'It was an accident,' added Norman. 'I know,' replied Norma. 'We have to accept that there is more to an elephant than just a trunk and two of those mores are a pair of very pointy tusks!' 'I've not been in an art gallery for years!' said Norman. 'They won't let me in! I've tried tying cushions on the ends of them and everything' 'That's not fair,' mooed Annie. 'No it isn't,' agreed Norma. 'It's elephantist!' continued Annie. 'I couldn't have put it better myself,' said Norma, 'and anyway they're not big holes, well they are quite big but Annie will soon have them repaired.' 'I'm using a special running elephant proof stitch.' 'See!' said Norma. 'Then when she's finished she can give you a whole heap of hugs and every...

'And...and you're sure you've got it the right way up?' asked Flossie. 'Yer, yer!' replied Lefty.  'So what should we be looking at?' 'Well this should have taken us straight through to 'Crowns, Crowns, Crowns' the premier dealer for all your stolen crown needs.' replied Lefty. 'You were reading that weren't you?' asked Flossie. 'They've got little adverts on the map,' replied Lefty. 'Well it's not there!' said Flossie. Hooky tapped several times. 'I've got it the right way up!' bleated Lefty. 'He has!' agreed Flossie. 'And you're sure it should be here?' 'Between Jolly Jack's and Sinkem And Scarper, the pirate ship insurance firm you can trust.' And Lefty held up the map for Flossie to see. 'What's that you've written there in the corner?'  'It's just a note to remind me to get a birthday card for mum,'...

'I see them!' mooed Norma. ''Where?' asked Bertha. 'They're just moving up between Rob's Novelty Cutlass Marquee and The Eye Patch Emporium.' 'That's means they're keeping to their expected route,' replied Bertha. 'That's right!' said Norma. 'Get ready.........Now! Signal twice!' Bertha flicked her horn and the red duster waved above her head. 'Excellent!' said Norma. 'Horace has seen it! He's signalling to Annie and she's........fallen over sideways! No, she's back up and dancing!' 'Has Norman seen her?' 'He has!' replied Norma. 'He's moving into position.' 'Brilliant!'  'Ah! No!' 'What?' asked Bertha. 'They've stopped!' replied Norma. 'I thought we wanted them to?' 'But they've not got to Norman yet! They've stopped at the junction of The Gangplank Cafe and The Yardarm Tav...

'And I finally managed to get her to take out the armchair trees,' sighed Norma. 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill, 'I have to say for her they're very restrained.' 'They're perfect for what we want,' replied Norma. 'And this one would be?' 'Giraffe sized,' replied Norma. 'So he's in!' said Captain Bill. 'All down to Cyril,' replied Norma. 'Should I ask how?' said Captain Bill. 'Best not to,' replied Norma. '............You know wood flooring's all the rage.' 'Sorry?' said Captain Bill. 'Never mind!' replied Norma. 'Erm,' continued Captain Bill, 'if you don't mind me saying, slightly worried about the hedgehogs seeing all this.' 'Oh, don't worry,' replied Norma. 'They're helping us as well.' 'Really!' mooed Captain Bill. 'I can't help feeling that could be opening a giant can of worms?...