Cow Island

'One across is rope,' said Flossie. 'So it is!' bleated Lefty. 'And seventeen down.' 'So it is!' bleated Lefty. 'Where did this come from anyway?' 'It came through with mum's puzzle magazines,' replied Lefty. 'I think she was trying to order something else and ticked the wrong box.' 'Eight across is rope.' 'So it is!' 'How is she today?' 'She's fine aren't you mum? Mum! MUM!' 'Has she got them turned on?' 'I thought she had. MUM! MUM! I think she's nodded off.' 'Best not disturb her...Ten down's rope.' 'So it is!' 'Is there a sports section?' 'I don't think so,' replied Lefty. 'I've not seen one. To be honest I'm not very impressed. There's an article on the buntline hitch that clearly shows a picture of a sheet bend and some of the typos are shocking.' 'That always de...

'No it's still not quite straight,' said Norma. 'It'll do for the time being,' replied Captain Bill. 'I make it we're doing around three knots.' 'Quite fast for us,' said Norma. 'Mmm,' replied Captain Bill. 'I have to say it feels good to be all at sea again.' 'Couldn't have put it better myself,' mooed Norma. 'Now just so that you know, Bertha has gone up to the cows nest and Geraldine is steering...if that's alright with you?' 'I suppose so,' said Captain Bill, 'and who's looking after the turny wheel thing?' 'Well........................................Geraldine is!' replied Norma. 'Multitasking!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'I shall have to keep an eye on her.' 'OK!' said Norma. 'And Annie is helping Cyril with the breakfasts.' 'INCOMING!!!' called out Annie as a sausage shot through the air and hit Captain Bill...

'I was that close!' mooed Captain Bill. 'That close!' 'Bertha said five hours was long enough for anyone,' replied Horace. 'That's the trouble these days,' said Captain Bill. 'Rush, rush, rush! Nobody cares about doing anything properly any more. There was a time when people would have thought nothing of spending a day or two getting out of a harbour.' 'It's not something I have any real personal experience of,' replied Horace. 'It's a skill,' said Captain Bill. 'You can't teach it to just anybody. It can take years to master. In my opinion the trick is get the front end...' 'The bow?' asked Horace. 'Quite possibly,' replied Captain Bill. 'Try to get that out first and then even if you do clip a wall or two it won't do too much damage.' 'I'll try to remember,' said Horace. 'And here's a tip,' continued Captain Bill. 'When you look a...

'Can't look! Can't look! Can't look! Can't look!' mooed Norma. 'I find,' said Cyril, 'in times like these, when it all gets a bit stressy, nothing helps more than a big spoonful of strawberry trifle.' 'Not for me thanks!' replied Norma. 'I'll finish it off then,' said Cyril. 'Seems a shame to waste it. So Cyril ate the last spoonful and then the spoon and then the bowl. 'How many hours has he been at it now?' asked Norma. 'Dunno,' mused Cyril. 'Four, four and a half?' 'HARD A STARBOLIABOLIBOARD!' shouted Captain Bill. 'YOU MEAN PORT!' shouted back Bertha. 'And I really don't know why he keeps doing that?' 'What?' asked Norma. 'Shouting out the course corrections,' replied Bertha. 'He's the one doing the steering!' 'I don't think he's ever really understood the connection between the wheel and the rudder,...

'I just thought it would be a conciliatory gesture,' said Norma. 'Which would be more than the sort of gesture that I'm regularly used to receiving,' replied Captain Bill. 'Did you know there was list?' 'I had heard mention of it,' conceded Norma. 'Apparently number 47 is rather unfair.' 'And that makes it OK then I suppose.' 'None of this is her fault,' continued Norma, 'and she has steered before.' 'Possible she has,' replied Captain Bill, 'but I, as the recognised captain, will make the decisions...If I'm still allowed?' Norma came up the last stair and stood by Captain Bill. 'I think I might stay,' she said. 'Stay?' 'Stay here,' replied Norma. 'Stay here and let you all sail away and look after yourselves. Bertha is 1st Mate you know. You should be talking to her about this. I could sit on the beach and get some knitting done.' '..........

'I just thought it was an entry form for a poetry competition,' said Horace. 'Oh look really,' replied Captain Bill, 'don't worry about it.' 'And I suppose once Geraldine was on the course she must have worked very hard.' 'Mmm,' replied Captain Bill, 'I suppose so. Although I dare say they've simplified it a lot since my day. It happens all the time, dumbing things down. It's all course work now that's the problem. You probably get half the marks just for staying awake during lessons.' 'Did you have to study for long?' 'Weeks!' replied Captain Bill. 'Three in fact, including weekends.' 'I sometimes take months to write a poem.' said Horace. 'Right,' replied Captain Bill. '......................and there were exams as well.' 'Did you pass them?' 'Eventually! Although they let me off the last couple. I think they knew I wanted to get back.'...

'Well I think it was a rotten thing to have done without warning him,' mooed Norma. 'I was only trying to help Geraldine,' replied Bertha.  'Which was kind,' accepted Norma, 'and I don't blame her for any of this and I would always support anyone who wanted to better themselves...but you must have known the effect it would have.' 'He'll get over it,' replied Bertha, 'but should he decide he doesn't want to be captain anymore.' 'Well he still has my support,' said Norma. 'Despite his...his.' 'Incompetence?' suggested Bertha. 'I wasn't going to put it in quite that way,' replied Norma, 'and in future I think these sort of things should be done in the open so everyone knows what's going on.' 'We weren't the only ones to sign,' said Bertha. 'Geraldine was kind enough to show me a copy of her application form,' replied Norma. 'Annie's si...

'It's genuine,' mooed Norma, 'apparently she's been studying for a while now.' 'But!' said Captain Bill. 'And she finished top of her class.' 'But!' said Captain Bill. 'Very straight hat!' observed Bertha. 'I thought that,' replied Norma. 'I think it's so nice when someone achieves something.' 'But!' said Captain Bill. 'And she got special mentions for navigation, deck ironing and hornpipe dancing.'  added Norma. And on cue Geraldine performed a particularly fine hornpipe. 'Didn't you fail hornpipe?' asked Bertha. 'It wasn't an essential!' replied Captain Bill. 'There were far more important things. Anyway, I dare say it's a heck of a lot easier when you've only got two legs. You try doing it with four hooves in a Force Eight. They should never have gone ahead with it under those conditions. I could easily have lost a horn.' '...

'So she spends something like eleventy billion years telling me that the green bits are land and the blue bits are sea and then all of a sudden, without any sort of warning, I'm supposed to accept that the green bits are now the sea! I mean how on earth is anyone to be expected to get their horns around that! If you ask me it's that sort of arbitrary unannounced change that has led to so much of the havoc that we've so frequently encountered in the past during so many of our voyages. It's no wonder that she's steered the ship into the harbour wall on numerous occasions. I try my best to take these changes on board but I can't be expected to remember everything and people will blame me if anything goes wrong. Oh you're the captain, you should have known. I wouldn't be surprised if this resulted in us sinking again I really wouldn't. I can see it now, sailing along on a flat calm 'blue' sea, you spot some green, possibly not, land, I be...

'I just thought it would make a nice break from looking at the maps and, while certain people are otherwise engaged with loading, we could have a chat about...getting out of the harbour,' explained Norma. Fine!' replied Captain Bill. 'If you think it's worth it?' 'Well, let's be honest,' continued Norma, 'we have had...well...problems in the past.' 'You mean when Annie fell overboard?' asked Captain Bill. 'That was one,' replied Norma, 'but I was thinking more about those occasions when we've...hit the harbour wall.' 'Remind me,' said Captain Bill. 'Well there was last time for instance and the time before that and the time before that and I recall once when we hit it despite us starting the voyage with the Pickled Heifer already moored on the other side of the island.' 'Point made!' said Captain Bill. 'Which is why I've prepared this little model for us to look a...

'I  accept what you're saying,' said Bertha, 'but for me the physicality of sculpture will always mean that the three dimensional will triumph over the two dimensional art form.' Geraldine thought very carefully for some time about Bertha's response before nibbling a herring and sliding about on her stomach. 'Anyway,' continued Bertha, 'while I'd be very happy to continue the debate I think we'd better get on don't you?' Geraldine stood up, flapped her wings and then stared off in a random direction. 'Right,' said Bertha, 'now where were we? Ah yes! Four thousand emergency breakfasts.' So Bertha finished loading the last of the four thousand emergency breakfasts onto the Pickled Heifer and Geraldine ticket them off of the ship's manifest. 'That's Cyril taken care of,' said Bertha. 'What's next?' 'Afternoonables!' mooed Annie. 'Afternoon,' replied Bertha. ...

'It was a very valid point,' said Norma. 'Oh, I know that!' replied Captain Bill. 'I recognise the point. I fully concede that it was valid.......I just wish that someone else had made it!' 'I should have thought of it I suppose,' sighed Norma. 'I think I just got carried away with the idea of going on an adventure.' 'Still, no need to give up,' replied Captain Bill. 'But if we don't know who to return the chest to or where they live?' 'Ah, but you're forgetting,' said Captain Bill. 'Maps! If you don't know where you're going you use a map!  That was the second thing they taught us at captain school.' 'What was the first?' asked Norma. 'How to keep your hat on straight,' replied Captain Bill. 'So....maps!' 'But,' said Norma, quite slowly, 'we don't know where to take it to.' '..........................Maps!' said Captain Bill....

'I'm sure I've got some thread here that's the right colour,' said Norma, 'and you think you've got a problem with one of the 'n's as well?' 'Yes,' replied Captain Bill and he held up his knitted compass and pointed at an N that had come loose. 'I really aught to knit you another one some time,' said Norma. 'I'm fine with this one,' replied Captain Bill. 'But at least then you'd have a spare,' said Norma. 'I've seen some lovely designs. More modern.' Captain Bill looked slightly uneasy. 'I've still got the old pattern,' added Norma. Captain Bill looked relieved. 'Found it!' mooed Norma and she held up a reel of deep rose coloured thread. 'Now which needle?' Captain Bill was about to feel faint at the mention of the word 'needle' when he was distracted by the arrival of Bertha. 'Right,' she began, 'I've drawn up a manifes...

'Chickens.......Turkeys........Ducks, they can all be connected up to some sort of external power source,' explained Cyril. 'Oh, I never knew,' replied Horace. 'So when Geraldine's finished reading through the brochure have a look yourself and let me know how much you want to invest.' 'I don't really have much spare at the moment. I was thinking about buying some new poetry writing paper.' 'But it would be foolish to miss out,' said Cyril. 'Perhaps I'll think about it after I've recovered.' 'Well,' replied Cyril, 'limited places! I suppose I could make an exception?' 'That's kind,' said Horace, 'and thank you for this as well. Falling off the cliff hurt me more than I first thought.' 'I always seem to survive quite easily,' mooed Annie. 'You're used to it!' said Cyril. 'The trick is to try to avoid the big pointy rocks at the bottom,' a...

'No, no not excited yet,' mooed Captain Bill. 'It is very badly damaged,' replied Norma. 'We think it may have been there some time.' 'Well you can tell that from the fact that it's all brown and worn,' said Captain Bill. 'To be honest a lot of the staining came from a cup of hot chocolate that got spilled over it,' replied Norma. 'And it's so worn because?' 'Annie tried to lick the chocolate back off,' admitted Norma. 'I suppose we should be grateful Cyril wasn't helping,' said Captain Bill. 'That was my thought,' replied Norma. 'But Annie did eventually manage to decipher the last few lines at the bottom.' Captain Bill stared at the lines at the bottom. 'If....if bound toast???'  'If found lost,' corrected Norma. 'If found lost and returned unopened a substantial reward will be paid.' Captain Bill thought for a while. 'Are we sure?' h...

'Go away!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Shoo! Shoo!' 'I assume you're not talking to me?' said Norma. 'Mmm? No! No!' replied Captain Bill. 'So do you really only have a few copies left?' Captain Bill put down his broom and looked forlornly at the small pile of magazines on the table. 'I only had a few copies to start with,' he replied. 'I suppose launching a magazine on an island that only has 6 people living on it was always going to be a gamble,' said Norma. 'Don't forget Geraldine,' reminded Captain Bill. 'She's a very avid reader so I'm told.' 'So has she bought a copy?' asked Norma. '......................No!' said Captain Bill. 'It might be that I have to rely more on the overseas market. I may need to give the next issue more of an international flavour. Ropes around the World, Hemp across the Hemisphere.' 'Global knots you may not know.' 'Y...

'And so as a result of careful consideration,' continued Annie, 'combined with recently enhanced engineering techniques, coupled with scientific insight and Geraldine's help...' At this point Geraldine ran forward, curtsied and then ran back. 'Lovely!' mooed Norma. 'Thank you!' said Annie, 'and with Geraldine's help...I managed to attach this big white arrow to my hat!' And Annie waggled her hats and the big white arrow fell off and landed in the snow. 'Bum!' said Annie. Captain Bill sighed deeply. 'Am I likely to still be below pensionable age when this finishes?' he asked. Annie shrugged her horns. 'Perhaps we should get on?' suggested Norma. 'In which case,' said Annie, 'I shall leave out my sponsor's request to mention wave powered turkeys.' 'Where is the fat one anyway?' asked Captain Bill. 'He said he had better things to do,' replied Norma. ...

'I know you don't always get on with her but she is our top forensics expert,' said Norma. Captain Bill glanced up towards Annie and shuffled forward to get a closer look at the chest. 'We're concentrating on the label on the top of it,' said Norma. 'Right,' replied Captain Bill, 'and you don't think it's likely to explode?' 'The label?' asked Norma. 'No, no the whole thing,' said Captain Bill. 'I doubt it,' replied Norma. 'And it's not booby trapped at all? No concealed knives that pop out or mallets on springs or guns on elastic bands?' 'Guns on elastic bands?' queried Norma. 'Well that sort of thing,' replied Captain Bill. 'We've no reason to think so,' said Norma. 'Fine!' said Captain Bill and he moved a bit closer. 'So what do we know about it?' 'Annie dear!' mooed Norma. Annie scrambled down from her chair, ran aroun...

'Do you think he'll be OK?' asked Captain Bill. 'He's big enough to take care of himself,' replied Bertha. 'Must have been a shock though,' said Captain Bill. 'You can see he's upset.' 'It's very kind of you,' gasped Horace, 'but I'll be fine.' 'Actually we were talking about Cyril,' replied Bertha. 'Annie beat him to the cupcake!' 'Oh my!' muttered Horace and he turned a little pale. 'You know...I think he might have let her,' suggested Norma. Everyone looked at Norma. 'Well it's possible!' she mooed. 'Anyway if we could return to things closer to hoof. I think we've got more important things to concentrate on.' 'True,' said Bertha. 'Indeed,' agreed Captain Bill, 'we aught to get our priorities right...........where did you find it?' 'I meant about Horace!' said Norma. 'Oh right,' replied Captain...

'Steady!' said Norma. 'Steady!' called out Bertha. Annie nodded and gave two waves on her flag. 'He'll need help when he gets to the top,' said Norma. Bertha looked at Captain Bill. 'What?' asked Captain Bill. 'You'll have to help him when he gets to the top.' 'ME!' said Captain Bill. 'Yes you,' replied Bertha. '........................................Err?' said Captain Bill. 'So you'll have to get closer to the edge.' '............How about...' said Captain Bill. 'No!' mooed Bertha. '...we give the whole hauling him up on a rope thing a miss...' 'No!' mooed Bertha. '...and I go down to the harbour. Nothing to do with getting away from the horrible, near certain death, cliff edge and sail the Pickled Heifer around and pick him up from the beach?' 'No!' said Bertha and Norma. 'Shouldn't take more than a day or t...

'So what's the hold up?' asked Bertha. 'He's just finishing a sonnet,' replied Norma. 'Now?' asked Bertha. 'It just came to him,' replied Norma. 'He won't be a minute.' 'Well actually!' called up Horace. 'He won't be long,' repeated Norma. Bertha ran up to the top of the rise and back again. 'Geraldine can't hold him much longer. He can smell the icing already,' she pointed out. 'A minute, two at the most,' said Norma with a smile. 'Perhaps I could be of more use back there?' suggested Captain Bill. 'You stay just where you are!' mooed Bertha. 'Can I remind you who's captain,' said Captain Bill. 'I could soon make some more confetti,' replied Bertha. 'Oooooooooooooh!' said Annie. 'Is there going to be another wedding? Could I be best man? Does Captain Eyepatch have to divorce the tree first? Only they've not been t...

'Are you sure?' asked Cyril. 'Sorry?' said Norma. 'It's just he looks fairly happy down there. Bottom of a cliff, dashed by wind and wave, exposed to all of natures rawest elements. Must be close on perfect for poetry! We could just throw some fresh pens and paper down to him every once on a while.' Norma hit Cyril. 'We are not going to leave him down there!' she mooed. 'Well actually!' called up Horace. 'He needs rescuing!' continued Norma. 'Well actually!' called up Horace. 'Hmm, I suppose if you say so,' said Cyril. 'Your call! If we must!' 'We'll just wait for Bertha to come back with a longer rope.' said Norma. 'Fine! Fine!' sighed Cyril. 'So...while we're waiting...anyone fancy a cake?' Annie put up three hooves and fell over. 'Tuck in then,' said Cyril. So she did. 'Perhaps Horace would like one?' suggested Norma. 'Best...

'Hopeless!' muttered Captain Bill. 'Absolutely hopeless!' 'It was an accident,' replied Norma. 'Well why does he need to stand that close to the edge anyway?' 'I think it's just a poet thing,' replied Norma. 'And falling off helps does it?' 'Actually!' called out Horace. 'He needs inspiration,' mooed Norma. 'Well can't he be inspired somewhere else?' asked Captain Bill. 'It is a very pretty view,' replied Norma. 'That's got nothing to do with it!' called out Horace. 'This would never have happened if he's stuck to limericks,' added Captain Bill. 'So,' asked Norma, 'are you actually going to come and help?' 'There's no point in all of us standing on the edge,' replied Captain Bill. 'As your Captain it's only right that I maintain some distance and act in a more...supervisory capacity.' 'And use the only ...

'Are you sure?' asked Annie. 'I'm sure,' replied Captain Bill. 'Sure?' asked Annie. 'Sure!' replied Captain Bill. 'Sure?' 'Sure!' 'Sure? 'Sure!' 'Sure?' 'Sure!' 'Only sometimes people get married without realising it.' 'I have not got married!' replied Captain Bill. 'I was married to a halibut for seven years without knowing about it and...hang on...I may have dreamt that!' said Annie. 'I am NOT married!'  'Then why are you covered in...' 'IT'S NOT CONFETTI!' shouted Captain Bill. '..........................................You're only shouting at me because I've got wonky horns aren't you?' asked Annie. 'I am shouting at you because you're the most annoying person that I've ever met!' replied Captain Bill. 'You need to meet more people,' said Annie. But before the convers...

'It does have a crossword puzzle.' 'That's not the same thing at all!' replied Horace. 'That's what I said,' agreed Norma. 'But he's so keen about it and I'd pay for it for you.' 'How can anyone be keen about something that isn't poetry?' said Horace. 'Well not everybody's life revolves around poetry,' replied Norma. And Horace was silent for a while. 'I think I might try to get a little closer to the edge,' he said eventually. 'If you must,' sighed Norma. 'And while I think of it what happened to the hat and scarf that I knitted for you for Christmas?' 'They made me feel all warm and snuggly,' relied Horace. 'That was the whole point of giving them to you!' mooed Norma. 'I know!' replied Horace. 'I couldn't possibly write anything while I was wearing them. By the way do you think there's a chance this edge could collapse?' ...

'I don't know,' said Norma, 'they seem to remind me of...' 'Confetti?' suggested Captain Bill. 'That's it!' mooed Norma. 'They're almost exactly the same size. It must have taken her ages to glue them all on.' 'Five hours,' replied Captain Bill. 'It would have been less but she insisted on finishing the crossword.' 'She can be very thorough when she wants to be,' said Norma. 'You know she'd had that pot of glue for three years just sitting there waiting?' 'I think I was with her when she bought it,' replied Norma. 'I mean what is wrong with her?' 'I guess she warned you?' asked Norma. '................She may have,' replied Captain Bill. 'I think I recall her muttering something. It's difficult to remember in the heat of the moment. I tend to zone out when she starts shouting...which let's be honest is most of the time.' 'Pe...

'No!' said Bertha. 'Hang on!' replied Captain Bill. 'I've not asked for anything yet!' 'All the same,' said Bertha, 'I'm not interested in stocking your magazine. I'm not going to become interested in stocking your magazine and if you take just one step closer I shall take it off of you, tear it into confetti sized pieces and glue them to you using this pot of glue that I've been saving for just such an occasion,'  Captain Bill looked carefully at the pot of glue on the desk. It said 'For gluing confetti sized pieces of magazine onto Captain Bill. Do not use for any other purpose' on the label in very small but neat hoof writing. 'People are supposed to mellow with age,' suggested Captain Bill. 'I'm not people,' replied Bertha, 'I'm Bertha.' 'It's got a crossword puzzle,' said Captain Bill and he pointed at it. 'No it hasn't,' replied Bertha, 'it...