Cow Island

'I really am very sorry about this,' said Norma, 'but if we don't start now...' 'That's OK,' replied Annie. 'It's just, you know I've never been any good at this,' continued Norma. 'You need to have the right ears,' replied Annie, 'if you don't have the right ears you don't stand much chance at all.' And so for a while Norma and Annie herded along. Until eventually they reached, what seemed to be, the right place. 'Right,' said Norma, 'well what about that one?' Annie went towards a particularly fine looking specimen. 'Hello Mr Tree,' she mooed, 'can we borrow you for Christmas?' 'Well?' asked Norma. 'No!' replied Annie, 'it's going to be busy.' 'Really?' said Norma. 'Family commitments,' replied Annie. 'Pity,' said Norma and they moved on a little way. 'Hello Mr Tree,' said Annie, 'can we borrow you for Christmas?'...

'And so,' began Annie, 'if we have one very large cake and we add another very large cake, what do we have?' Cyril waved his tail. 'Not enough cake?' Annie herded towards him. 'Have you been looking in my answer book?' she asked. Cyril shook his head. 'Hmm,' said Annie, 'well it's the right answer. I may have to make you cake monitor.' And Cyril reluctantly agreed to take on the extra responsibility. Annie was just about to ask a follow up question about sticky toffee pudding when Norma arrived. 'How's it going?' she asked. 'Very well thank you,' replied Annie, 'I thought a trial lesson might help me to get a better idea of what's involved.' 'Excellent!' said Norma,'although this might not be quite how it would actually be in reality.' 'Reality?' asked Annie. 'Another day,' replied Norma, 'the point is and I don't want to take you away from this but it's th...

I'm just a bit worried about her,' said Norma. 'I'd be more worried for her students,' replied Captain Bill. 'Imagine your first day at school and finding that you've got her as a teacher!' 'I mean I know she means well,' continued Norma. Captain Bill stopped walking and looked out over the sea. 'It's just a passing thing,' he said. 'Give it a couple of weeks and she'll be building fridges out of dandelions.....again!' 'Perhaps,' replied Norma, 'but I have a feeling she's serious about it.' Captain Bill thought for a while. 'I'm not sure I could cope with that.' 'Well you might have to.' said Norma. 'Still I'll try and divert her for a bit...we'll need to pick out a Christmas tree soon.' 'Really?' asked Captain Bill. 'It's only a few weeks away now,' said Norma, 'I'll have to start wrapping presents soon.' 'Yesssssss,' replied...

I HAVE TRAVELLED I have travelled I have travelled to meet friends So that I might see them And talk a while And enjoy the pleasure Of their company I have travelled I have travelled to see And at times The things that I have seen Have been so beautiful That tears of joy Have run freely down my face For I could never have imagined Such things could exist I have travelled I have travelled to learn And in so doing Have grown and changed And lost a little of the ignorance That holds me so close I have travelled But sometimes Sometimes I think I have travelled For the sole purpose of returning home My home is small and plain And what little happens there Would interest but a few But it is my home And I love it so Thank you Horace

'No I wasn't saying it was a bad idea,' mooed Norma, 'I was just saying that the commercial openings for an emergency penguin rescue ladder might be a bit limited.' 'A 'biodegradable' emergency penguin rescue ladder,' corrected Annie. 'Of course,' replied Norma, 'but I still think it might be best to hold off from full scale production until you've more thoroughly tested the market.' 'Hmm,' said Annie, 'perhaps you're right. Anyway, I probably wouldn't have enough time to run a large multinational and be a teacher at the same time.' 'I suspect it would have to be one or the other,' replied Norma. 'Unless I taught the minimoos how to make them. Ms Camille said that you can do that sort of thing and pass it off as some kind of after school club.' 'I'm not sure that would be legal,' replied Norma. 'Perhaps I should ask my lawyer?' said Annie. 'You do know Cyril ...

'But you gave the sign,' said Bertha. 'We hadn't agreed on a sign!' gasped Captain Bill. 'Cyril and I had,' replied Bertha. 'You could have told me!' said Captain Bill. Bertha thought about this. 'That would have taken a lot of the fun out of it,' she replied. Cyril nodded in agreement. 'And that was the reason for sending me out there was it?' asked Captain Bill, 'so you two could have fun!' 'Well it was mostly so we could get the Mootilus back,' replied Bertha, 'but it was nice to have a bit of fun at the same time.' 'Speaking for myself,' said Cyril, 'I'd say it was more about the fun.' 'Really?' said Bertha. 'Mmm,' replied Cyril, 'I'd say, roughly speaking, 85-90% fun, 10% general helping.' 'It's interesting isn't it,' said Bertha, 'how people can work side by side on the same project and yet have totally different motives.' 'I co...

'A TEACHER!' mooed Norma. Annie nodded. 'I think there's quite a bit involved.' continued Norma. 'You have to take things from your head and put them into other people's heads,' said Annie. 'Well....yes,' replied Norma, 'but I think you have to be very careful as to which things.' 'Camille said she'd never met anyone with more things in their head than me,' said Annie. 'Quite possibly true,' replied Norma, 'it's just....well.' 'I know what you're thinking,' said Annie, 'you're thinking that if I take all the things in my head and put them into other people's heads then my head will be empty.' 'It would be a concern,' agreed Norma. 'But if I make a copy of what I'm teaching and then eat it at the end of the day I'll still have it!' mooed Annie and she did a little dance. 'Erm,' replied Norma, 'possibly....anyway perhaps you could have a go...

'But,' began Captain Bill, 'would we be better off just pausing for a while and asking ourselves, do we really need to do this? 'Yes we do,' replied Bertha. 'Off you go!' Captain Bill hesitated. 'It might just ...wash ashore?' he suggested. 'No,' replied Bertha, 'it's the Mootilus, it's sunk, it needs a rope attaching to it...off you go!' 'Why me?' asked Captain Bill. 'Because you're a brave, heroic, duel fighting captain,' replied Bertha. 'Off you go!' 'Cyril would have more buoyancy.' 'But I need Cyril to help to pull it ashore,' replied Bertha. 'Off you go!' 'And why have you tied the rope around my neck?' asked Captain Bill. 'You wouldn't want to drop it halfway,' replied Bertha, 'that would be a waste of everyones time...off you go!' 'But?' began Captain Bill. 'It's getting very close to pointy stick time,...

Hello everyone It's just me today. I thought it might be nice to have a little chat. So how are you all? I have to say it's nice to be home at last, although suddenly it appears to be winter and christmas is only just around the corner...a very small corner. So I hope you're all wrapping up nice and warm and having lots of hot drinks. And what about the weekend? Are you doing anything nice? I need to find Annie and Geraldine but after that I hope to find time to put my hooves up and relax. Perhaps I'll try and find somewhere quite and have a little 'me time'. Well take care and hugs to you all. Norma PS We'll be back on Monday

Helloooooooooooooooo! Norma (my best friend) once told me that pengimings can't fly. Sometimes Norma knows nothing! This is clearly being proven at the moment because Geraldine (top pengiming) is quite clearly having a good old fly right this very minute! Which means I'm having to have a good old run. Hopefully she'll decide to come down soon because my legs are getting shorter and shorter and are now in danger of being worn completely away. I wouldn't like that. Anyway, I'd best get going, who knows where it will all end. Clearly I mean that in a rescuing Geraldine type context and not in a wider, philosophical, deep thinking type sense. That sort of thinking can cause no end of problems and ruin several good breakfasts. Laters Annie PS I have decided to do something new and important...but you'll have to wait to find out what it is! : )

250 crates!' exclaimed Captain Bill. '250 crates!' 'Cases,' corrected Cyril, '250 cases. Wine is sold in cases.' 'I don't care!' replied Captain Bill, 'what I really care about is the fact that they're all in my name!' 'Well they have to have a name,' said Cyril, 'people won't deliver them without a name. The chap at the chateau was quite clear about that.' 'But it's MY name!' 'Just looks better on paper,' replied Cyril, 'has a sort of calm aire of authority about it. You should be proud of it. If I had a name that looked that good I'd be using it all the time.' 'But you are using it all the time!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Just proves how good a name it is,' replied Cyril. 'And just how did you, we, I pay for all of it?' Cyril looked puzzled. 'You know,' he replied, 'now you come to mention it...I'm not entirely sure I can recall.'

'But I didn't do it deliberately! mooed Norma. 'And the hat?' asked Captain Bill. 'It looks a bit damp that's all,' replied Norma, 'and anyway you said you just wanted help getting down, I didn't realise you expected me to carry you all the way ashore!' 'It wasn't far,' pointed out Captain Bill. 'Far enough,' replied Norma, 'and if you don't mind me saying, you're not as light as you once were.' 'Rubbish!' said Captain Bill, 'I've never been in better shape. Still, moving the conversation along, would you kindly get your hat boxes moved somewhere else.' 'Well, 'replied Norma, 'firstly, they're not hat boxes and secondly, they're not mine.' 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill, 'who's are they then?' 'According to the labels they're yours,' replied Norma. Captain Bill had a good long look at the labels on the boxes. 'Cyril!' he shouted...

'Hopeless!' muttered Captain Bill. 'Absolutely hopeless!' 'Well that was the general opinion,' agreed Norma, 'perhaps if you'd given the order to take down the sail?' 'Well I didn't see the island did I!' mooed Captain Bill. 'That's because you had your eyes closed,' replied Norma. 'Anyway are you going to get down from there?' Captain Bill looked about him. 'Might need someone to lend a hoof,' he said. 'Well it will have to be me,' replied Norma, 'everyone else is busy.' 'Doing?' 'Cyril said something about checking a delivery note,' replied Norma, 'and I've asked Annie to keep an eye on where Geraldine is going and Horace is writing a poem for you just in case Bertha does decide to kill you.' 'Hmm, I suppose she's blaming me for this?' said Captain Bill.' 'I think everyone is,'replied Norma, 'and it might be a good idea to avoid Bert...

'I could get her to do it later on,' suggested Lefty, 'she won't mind.' 'No, no,' replied Flossie, 'wouldn't want to bother her.' 'She has taken them in the past,' said Lefty,'only this time in the afternoon, you know, she likes her naps.' 'Seriously,' replied Flossie,'not a problem, glad to have her here. So if we move on and if Slightly Threatening Dave and Harriet could just raise their right hooves and repeat after me.' So Slightly Threatening Dave and Harriet swore an oath and became official members of what was quite possibly the most dangerous pirate flock on the high seas. 'Right!' said Flossie, 'well lads....and lasses, I think I can safely say we're there! Flock complete, speaking parts assigned, the world awaits. Let the word go out, no ship is safe, no plunder...is safe either...perhaps I should have rehearsed this? Never mind, onwards me hearties, onwards without fear, onwards...

'You're serious?' asked Flossie. 'Just want to do things properly,' replied Lefty. 'But it's a fish!' said Flossie. 'I know,' replied Lefty, 'but if it was a parrot?' 'But it isn't!' said Flossie. 'Principal of the thing,' replied Lefty. Flossie thought about it. 'OK!' he said, 'we'll score the goldfish separately. Now can we move on?' And so they did. 'Dave?' asked Lefty. 'Think we're all eating from the same meadow there,' replied Flossie and Hooky tapped in agreement. 'Harriet?' said Lefty. And again all hooves were raised. 'Mum?' said Lefty. Hooky tapped. 'No, 'replied Lefty, 'no sign of them yet.' 'Still,' said Flossie,' she's in as far as I'm concerned.' 'Just part time,' reminded Lefty. 'Just part time,' agreed Flossie. And so the meeting went on. And the goldfish was accepted....pending suitable refer...

'No really,'asked Flossie, 'what's the point in using an agency when they do this to you?' 'To be honest we didn't specify a species,' replied Lefty. 'I said flock!' bleated Flossie, 'I told them, pirate flock seeks new members, good speaking voice an advantage.' 'True!' replied Lefty. Hooky tapped on the table. 'Well I don't know!' replied Flossie. 'Swarm probably! My point is it's clearly not flock...who ever heard of a flock of Giraffes?' 'Could make a useful lookout?' suggested Lefty. 'Clutching at straws,' replied Flossie. 'If you ask me this whole 2nd week has been a complete fiasco!' 'It's not been the best,' conceded Lefty. 'I mean what would we do if he mutinied? We'd never be able to hang him!' Lefty looked up at the Giraffe. 'Sorry,' he said. 'How tiresome,' replied the Giraffe.

'4 hours!!' exclaimed Lefty. 'He just wouldn't shut up!' replied Flossie. 'He even asked me if I was planning to retire!' 'Sorry I fell asleep.' 'Can't blame you,' replied Flossie, 'Hooky feigned death towards the end...it didn't make any difference.' 'So what did happen in the end?' asked Lefty. 'Dave asked him to leave.' 'And did he?' 'Yes,' replied Flossie, 'I think he found him slightly threatening.' 'Good call on the nickname then,' said Lefty. 'My thoughts exactly!' bleated Flossie. 'So did you, did you want anything off the trolley?' asked Lefty. 'Oh right!' replied Flossie. 'Erm...any biscuits?' 'I think so,' said Lefty, 'Mum....mum...it's just the batteries.' 'No problem,' replied Flossie. 'MUM!' yelled Lefty,'...I have ordered them.....MUM!'

'And after that I personally lead the team that was responsible for overseeing the re-rigging of the Jolly Mutton which resulted in a 2.7563 knot per hour increase in the overall average weather cruising speed which was credited as the main reason for the successful capture of several high value vessels in the following six month period. After that I was promoted to first mate a position which I found to be both challenging and rewarding and within which I undertook a series of accredited courses where I acquitted myself with such distinction that I was awarded the first mate of the month cup a trophy which I have subsequently won on a further 4 occasions which has placed me well in lead for first mate of the year an annual prize which would normally only be considered for a first mate with at least 5 years 'in position' experience but which I have been put forward for after only 10 months which I feel does give a very clear indication of the calibre of the w...

'Well it's just a bit embarrassing,' bleated Flossie. 'Looked a very good candidate on paper,' said Lefty. 'Doesn't count for much if they don't show up though,' replied Flossie. 'Suppose so,' said Lefty. 'I mean what's the point of applying if you can't be bothered to turn up for the interview?' said Flossie, '.....and we're starting to lose the audience, they don't like that sort of thing.' 'Could get Mum back?' suggested Lefty. 'No, that's OK,' replied Flossie, '.......kind thought though.' 'So?' asked Lefty. Flossie scratched himself. 'Maybe we should wait a bit longer?' he replied. 'We...we could always keel haul them,' said Lefty,' for turning up late.' Flossie considered it. 'Bit self defeating,' he said at last, 'waiting for them all this time and then keel hauling them.' 'Crowd pleaser though,' pointed out Lefty. ...

'Well, you know, what can I say, so far, so good. I'm very pleased to have the young lad Dave onboard. He looks a bit special, very quick up front. I think he could be a real asset to the squad. As for Mrs Lefty senior, more of a defensive role I think, but very solid, one of those pirates who you know you can depend on in a tight situation. Perhaps her fitness isn't what it once was but the experience that she brings with her more than makes up for that. And then there's Harriet, bit of an unknown quantity really, not sure what her boarding skills will be like but the goldfish is clearly at home in an ocean going environment and that's always going to be a plus point. But we have to remember that we're only halfway through, there's still a long way to go but if the money's there and we can continue to invest I see no reason why we can't become the terror of the high seas and after that well who knows?'

'Sooooooooooooo,' began Flossie, 'why do you want to be a pirate?' 'I've just always wanted to be one,' replied Harriet. 'Right,' said Flossie and he made a note, 'and that would be a...' 'Goldfish,' said Harriet. 'Hmmm,' said Flossie, 'and the reaso...' 'I couldn't find a parrot.' explained Harriet. 'Right,' said Flossie. 'Shows initiative,' whispered Lefty. Flossie glanced at Hooky, who just shrugged his shoulders. meanwhile Lefty slipped a note across the table. Flossie read it. 'Oh, good question!' he said. 'Does it talk?' 'Not really,' replied Harriet. 'Pity,' said Flossie. 'We could teach him,' suggested Lefty, '...would help to give the flock a feeling of mystery.' 'I will keep looking for a parrot.' added Harriet. 'Well then,' said Flossie,' you're through to the next round!'

Flossie coughed. Then coughed a bit louder. 'Mum!' said Lefty,'...Mum!' Flossie busied himself with one of his eyepatches. 'Sorry about this,' said Lefty, 'it's the batteries.' Hooky tapped several times on the desktop. 'No, no' replied Flossie, 'I think he means in the hearing aid.' 'Mum!' shouted Lefty, '...she's not normally this bad,' he added. 'No problem,' replied Flossie, 'no rush.' 'It's just part time by the way,' said Lefty. 'Hmm?' said Flossie. 'Just part time for mum, that's all she's looking for.' 'Fine!' replied Flossie. 'She served under Black Bob you know,' continued Lefty. 'Never!' said Flossie. 'True,' said Lefty, 'course she wasn't much more than a lamb back then.' 'So was it true then?' asked Flossie, 'you know, what they said about Bob.' Lefty shook his head. 'She's never said...

'Well, yes I grant you,' bleated Flossie, 'I grant you it's factually accurate but will it inspire fear and trembling in the opposition?' 'I take your point,' replied Lefty and he took back the form from Flossie and crossed out 'Small Dave'. 'So what have we had so far?' asked Flossie. 'Erm,' said Lefty, 'Small Dave, Vicious Dave, Slightly Threatening Dave...' 'Quite like that last one,' said Flossie. 'Bit long though,' suggested Lefty and Hooky tapped in agreement. 'And I believe you've taken steps in the image department?' continued Flossie. 'Well I've given him a hat,' said Lefty. Flossie considered the hat. 'Bit big!' 'Smallest we've got,' replied Lefty, 'and I've given him a rapier.' 'Oh!' bleated Flossie, 'bit dangerous that! What if he runs with it?' 'Not sure he'll be able to,' replied Lefty. 'I can lift it!' s...

'No, no, you have to ask them all the same questions and you can't ask them their age,' confirmed Lefty. 'Go on?' said Flossie. 'Honest,' replied Lefty. 'Well,' said Flossie, 'good job we dropped the swimsuit section then.' 'Lads were mighty relieved,' said Lefty. 'Right,' continued Flossie, 'best if we press on. So if someone could please show in the first contestant.' 'Contestant?' asked Lefty. 'Thought it added a certain something,' replied Flossie, 'made it a bit more competitive.' 'He's here!' called out a sheep from the audience. Flossie looked out from across the desk. 'Ah!' he said. 'Can't have a minimum height either,' whispered Lefty. Flossie sighed. 'Morning,' he said. 'Morning,' said Dave.

'Which lads,' concluded Flossie, 'makes that just about the most comprehensive and frank explanation of what happened to us as any sheep could possibly hope to give or receive.' As one the flock bleated it's delight in agreement. 'And also,' continued Flossie, 'I think it goes a very long way to helping to justify why we've been given our own blogs over the next couple of weeks.' But at this point, instead of giving their agreement the flock remained surprisingly silent. 'Lads are a bit worried,' bleated Lefty. 'Worried?' asked Flossie. 'Lads feel it might be asking a bit much of them,' indicated Lefty. 'But lads!' cried Flossie, 'My lucky lads! We can't pass this up. It's our big chance, the world is watching. Think of it, blogs of our own and nobody to stop us. We can do what we like. There could be ships to board, plunder to gain, buckles to be swashed and all in a safety conscious, non ru...