Cow Island

'But I distinctly said hard a starboliarboliboard!' mooed Captain Bill. 'I know, I heard you!' replied Norma. 'But you turned to Port!' No,' replied Norma. 'Look we're not starting all of this again,' continued Captain Bill,'I'll think you'll find that I know what I'm talking about. I am, after all, a fully qualified, heroic, duel fighting Captain!' 'Has anyone seen my lipstick?' asked Bertha. 'Shut up!' mooed Captain Bill. And so for a while the crew sailed on in silence. 'Still,' said Norma eventually,'it was a very good adventure.' 'Oh yes!' agreed Bertha, 'but I can't help wondering what became of the pirate sheep?' 'Yes,' replied Norma, 'I've been thinking about them as well.' 'And me!' added Horace. Norma nudged Cyril. 'Hmmm? Oh, whatever!' said Cyril. 'I like Pengimings!' said Annie. And Norma sighed and wondered if she co...

'So you must all take care and wrap up warm and try to avoid too much numptyness,' said Camille. 'I think I can speak for all of us when I say I'm sure we can manage the first two,' replied Captain Bill. 'And once again ma self and ma little students and Monsieur Former Mayor wish to thank you for saving us from the tiny 'ooves of the wicked pirate sheep,' continued Camille. 'Former Mayor?' asked Norma. ' 'e's like retired already,' explained Camille. 'Oh, I see!' said Norma. 'And you must all come back and pay us a proper visit,' said Camille. 'We will,' replied Bertha. 'And Annie dear,' said Camille, 'you will be just perfect I am sure!' And Annie did a quick dance, which isn't easy on a small boat. And with that Camille gave the Mootilus a push and all the minimoos waved their tails. On the Mootilus everyone waved and cheered and then waved and cheered again...and then did a bit ...

Morning all! Right, let's have no more time wasted with chat about hats. There's simply no point at all in a few men* getting in a tizz because Norma and myself took it upon ourselves to purchase a few. If a lady can't treat herself from time to time etc, etc. Anyway there's far more important things to be getting on with. As has already been mentioned we'll be setting off for home soon. We're just loading the Mootilus and rounding up the bodies. Annie seems to have acquired a small library of books from who knows where and Cyril's wine purchases will need to be stowed away. Our departure will also mean that Ms Camille will be able to get on with educating her little students. School trips are all well and good but they've been out of the classroom for far too long. I've suggested extra homework for the next couple of months so they can catch up. Right, must be getting on Bertha * term used with caution.

'You take my word,' said Captain Bill, 'they'll do it to you every time!' 'I don't mind in principal,' replied Horace, 'but I just don't have the money...I'm a poet.' 'Beats me why they have to have so many anyway,' continued Captain Bill, 'I mean you've only got one head which in my book applies clear limitations to the number of hats a person needs.' 'I'm just a poet!' repeated Horace. 'Which while an honorable profession is not renowned for it's income providing properties,' replied Captain Bill. Horace nodded in agreement. 'It's a calling...you don't go into it for the money.' 'A noble attitude,' said Captain Bill, 'and considering your publishing record a highly necessary one.' 'I just don't know what to do!' mooed Horace. 'Have you considered limericks?' asked Captain Bill. 'No, I meant about Norma's hats,' replied Horace. ...

'But I don't mind, I don't mind at all,' said Horace. 'I just thought it would be a nice souvenir,' replied Norma, 'and it'll keep my horns toasty warm.' 'I think it's very nice,' said Horace. 'Not too touristy?' asked Norma. 'No, no!' replied Horace. 'It was quite reasonable,' assured Norma. 'It doesn't matter,' replied Horace, 'I mean it's only 1 hat. It's not as if you broke and went mad and bought every single hat in the shop in some sort of manic frenzied buying stampede.' 'Oh look!' mooed Norma, 'that's a nice tree!' 'Sorry?' said Horace. 'That tree over there in the distance...in that direction....it's....very...............nice....pleasedon'tturnaroundthankyoumustbegoing!' And Norma hurried away. 'Bertha bought some as well!' she called back over her tail. as Horace looked at, what appeared to be, a very ordinary tree.

'I'm just not sure that it's me!' mooed Norma. 'But it's soooo this season,' replied Camille. Norma had another look in the mirror. 'I was really just after something to keep my horns warm,' she said. Camille raised her eyes. 'Ma dear Norma, I'm like wondering 'ow you ever get to buying anything with that sort of attitude!' 'It's just,' said Norma, 'well I've had trouble in the past, so I'm trying to be sensible and it does seem rather expensive.' 'Well it can only be expensive if it is for someone who is not worth it!' pointed out Camille, 'and you Norma are more worth it than just about anyone else I know! So if you want my advice, which I'm like giving for free anyway, that Captain Bill can just jolly well pay up and be grateful 'e's got you on the team!' 'Oh, I couldn't ask Captain Bill to pay,' replied Norma. ' 'orace then,' said Camille, 'le...

Hello everyone! It's been a while and I do miss our little chats. Well who would ever have thought that we'd get to 1,000 blogs! I can't remember half the things we've done. Even when I haven't had a glass of wine! I promise I'll be a bit more careful about that sort of thing. I sometimes think that I get a bit worked up with trying too hard to organise everything and then it all gets a bit much and then I have a little drink...etc, etc. Anyway, back to now. It would be wonderful if we could stay for longer with Camille but it'll take a while to get home and Captain Bill wants to be back for Christmas (is it really that close already???). So hopefully we can be underway by the end of next week. Which means there's just time for a quick trip around the shops. Given the way the weather is going I suspect a new winter hat might be a good idea. Anyway, do have a great weekend and keep warm. Bye Norma PS There really is no need to send us extra cake...

Well I suppose it will take a while,' said Norma, 'I mean people don't just have them laying around and then there's the packing them up and posting them ...there's quite a bit involved.' 'But they promised!' mooed Annie. 'Not strictly true,' replied Norma. 'Tis!' said Annie. 'No,' replied Norma,'what happened was that Cyril asked, which he shouldn't really have done and anyway you did have a two large slices yesterday and extra icing.' 'But I like cake!' said Annie. 'We all do,' replied Norma,'and when we get home I promise that we'll make some and you can help.' 'And Geraldine?' asked Annie. 'And Geraldine,' confirmed Norma,'but right now, speaking of home, that's where we need to be heading. Captain Bill wants us to be off soon.' Annie stood for a while. 'I'll be back,' she said at last and then headed off inland. Norma watched her go and th...

'Oh!' said Norma, 'this is soooo kind of you!' 'Well ma little students made the banner,' replied Camille, 'so now if you arrange yourselves I will take a photograph.' So Norma, Bertha, Annie, Captain Bill, Horace and Cyril arranged themselves and Geraldine picked up a pointy stick. 'And also there is a cake,' added Camille. 'Shall I look after it?' suggested Cyril. 'I think we'll keep it down here,' replied Bertha. 'Can I come down there then?' asked Annie. 'Soon,' replied Norma. 'I could write a poem about it,' added Horace. 'Not just now!' mooed Bertha. 'So what next?' asked Captain Bill. 'You really aught to say something,' said Norma. So Captain Bill thought very deeply. 'Well,' he said at last, 'to all our readers, whether you've read 1 blog or 1,000, thank you. Without you....well we'd still be here but it wouldn't be the same. We hope you've...

'So I think it's really just a question of us having different customs and things,' suggested Captain Bill. Camille thought about it. 'I suppose so,' she said at last, 'anyway I 'ave apologised to the owner.' 'Actually we used to carry a sort of form letter,' remembered Captain Bill. 'I need to get some more printed,' mooed Bertha. 'Sorry!' added Norma. 'Accepted,' replied Camille, 'and to be honest the owner said it was worth it for the sales.' 'So no harm done!' said Captain Bill. 'Well I wouldn't go that far,' replied Camille, 'but now I 'ave to ask you please to follow me.' 'To where?' asked Captain Bill. 'Not far,' replied Camille. 'What for?' asked Bertha. 'It's a surprise,' replied Camille, 'but it is most important that you are all there, so you 'ad better go get Cyril and 'orace and Annie and little Geraldine.' So Bertha...

'But I didn't do anything wrong!' said Cyril. 'You told them you were a Count!' mooed Captain Bill. '...Slip of the tongue,' replied Cyril, 'besides...no harm done.' 'But you're always doing it!' continued Captain Bill. 'Why couldn't you just...not do it?' 'Just seems to add a certain something,' replied Cyril. 'Six months if you get found out!' suggested Captain Bill. 'Never!' replied Cyril. 'Anyway I made a few purchases, that's all they're bothered about.' 'Hmmm,' said Captain Bill, 'and how exactly did you pay for them?' Cyril looked hurt. 'If this causes Ms Camille any problems!' said Captain Bill. But Cyril promised him that it wouldn't. 'It's just a few bottles,' he added. Captain Bill glanced across at the case and then at Cyril and then turned and herded away. 'I'm having the rest delivered,' muttered Cyril after he'd left.

'So did I do anything really embarrassing?' asked Norma. Horace thought about it. 'Define embarrassing?' he said at last. 'Oooooooh!' replied Norma. And for a while she lay in the soft, soft grass. 'So did I sing?' 'For a bit,' replied Horace,'...but Camille didn't know how to translate some of the words.' 'Phew!' exclaimed Norma,'by the way,' she added, 'thanks for getting me out of there.' 'Actually,' replied Horace, 'you sort of got yourself out. It was when Camille suggested you might give the bottle back and you refused and then ran off with it. I just tagged along.' And for a while Norma closed her eyes and thought kind thoughts. 'Perhaps I should just stick to water for a while?' she suggested. Horace agreed. And for a while Norma thought about how she was going to apologise to Camille and Captain Bill. But luckily for Norma, Captain Bill was otherwise occupied.

'Ah! So 'ere you are!' mooed Camille. 'Just having a little look around,' replied Captain Bill. 'Excellent,' said Camille, 'only I was 'oping, if you could spare a moment?' 'Of course,' replied Captain Bill, 'just name the task.' 'Well,' began Camille, 'it's like this, now don't get me wrong because I really like Norma.' 'Don't we all!' said Captain Bill. 'Indeed,' continued Camille, 'but I have told 'er like eleventy billion times already, that when you are at a wine tasting you 'ave just a little glass and you 'ave to spit it out.' 'Really?' asked Captain Bill. 'Oh yes!' confirmed Camille. 'And just what part of that is Norma having trouble with?' said Captain Bill. 'Well mostly,' replied Camille,'...all of it!' 'So she's got a large glass?' suggested Captain Bill. 'Oh no!' replied Camille, 'by the t...

'OK, so 'e says that you are all very welcome and 'e's very 'appy because today 'e's already 'ad like a really important guest arrive,' explained Camille. Cyril?' suggested Captain Bill. 'Comte Cyril of Wineshire 'as indeed arrived,' confirmed Camille, 'and the owner 'ere says 'e was particularly impressed because Monsieur Comte was closely followed by 'is butler!' 'Geraldine!' mooed Bertha. 'I feel I may have been outwitted,' added Norma. 'It would be an easy mistake to make,' said Captain Bill. 'So I'm wondering what advice you might all 'ave for myself,' asked Camille, 'should I die of embarrassment now or 'ang on for a bit?' 'Tricky?' replied Captain Bill. But Bertha and Norma both said that they'd been embarrassed by Cyril on numerous occasions and they'd both survived and that the best thing to do was to press on regardless. So, ra...

Morning all, Captain Bill with you today. Now Norma suggested I might give you a brief vignette of my impressions so far of Ms Camille's home island. It's OKish. Grass tastes a bit odd and you can't get a nice cup of tea...but things can never be the same as at home. Luckily my reputation as a top captain seems to be smoothing the path somewhat and opening a door here or there. It's quite clear when we're walking around that people are stopping to have a look at us....possibly they're a little overawed. There seems to be a slight over indulgence in kissing people that you've never met before...not my sort of thing at all. Still I feel that we're bridging the cultural gap. Of course Ms Camille is prone to over reaction at any hint of something going wrong but I think that can be put down to her foreign nature. So far, so good, as far as I'm concerned. Right, must catch up with the others Happy sailing Captain Bill

'But all 'e 'ad to do was ring the bell!' mooed Camille. 'I think you should just look on it as an expression of his keen interest in the subject,' replied Norma. 'But 'e 'as knocked bits of plaster off the wall!' exclaimed Camille, 'and anyway, where an earth did 'e get a step ladder from?' 'Hellloooooooooo!' said Annie and she did a little dance, wobbled her beret and pointed at herself. Camille watched Annie and then stepped back and whispered into Norma's ear. 'It's going to be like this for the entire time that you're 'ere isn't it?' she asked. 'Sorry!' replied Norma. 'Well that is me down the job centre,' said Camille. 'Oh, I don't know,' said Norma reassuringly, 'Anne'll be fine...and I've sent Geraldine on ahead to keep an eye on Cyril.' 'Right,' replied Camille, 'so you've sent like one tiny, tiny penguin to try to control a bo...

'What did he say?' asked Cyril. 'He didn't,' replied Horace. 'Right,' said Cyril. 'I did ask but he just shrugged his horns,' continued Horace. 'Right,' said Cyril. 'And then I asked him about the nearest publisher and he gave exactly the same response.' 'Can't say that bothers me quite so much,' replied Cyril. 'So what do we do now?' asked Horace. Cyril looked around him. 'Have you seen any pointy sticks?' he asked. 'Errrrrrrrm.....no!' replied Horace. 'Right,' said Cyril again,'well I'd suggest that you have a wander around and see if you can find a good restaurant.' 'Why does it have to be me?' asked Horace. Cyril was just about to explain that it was because Horace was closer when Norma herded up to them. 'Come on!' she said, 'Camille wants to show us around somewhere.' 'Is it a library?' asked Horace. 'No,' replied Norma,'...but I ...

Helllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Annie here! Today's blog is all about how to visit foreign people. So please make sure that you are sitting/standing/hanging out of your tree comfortably and have a nice slice of cake next to you. Now the 1st thing to do is to make sure that you blend in. This will make Mr Sir Foreign Person feel more at ease. Geraldine and I have already done this and are now completely indistinguisabubble from the locals. (nibble cake now) The next thing to tackle is the language barrier. I was quite surprised to find out that this is not an actual barrier, like a hedge or a trifle wall. I mean really! Geraldine and I spent virtually the whole morning wandering around trying to find it! This wasn't made any easier by the fact that we'd taken the precaution of taking a step ladder with us. So just to be clear about it. The language barrier is when Mr Sir or Madame Foreign Person talks to you and you don't understand anything that they...

'You know,' said Camille, 'it's very kind of Bertha to volunteer to look after ma little students for a while.' 'She's pretty used to telling people what to do,' replied Norma. 'And it means we get to 'ave a chat,' added Camille. 'Do 'elp yourself to another biscuit by the way and if you want a salad or some flowers there's plenty in the fridge.' 'It seems to be a very well equipped staff room,' replied Norma. 'Indeed!' agreed Camille,'I always think if you're going to dedicate your entire life to the education of little students you 'ave a duty to ensure that you look after yourself as well. Just so as to be in tip top teaching condition of course.' 'So that would be a new fridge then?' said Norma. 'I put it down as essential gym equipment,' replied Camille,'I got Etienne to vault over it when it arrived so strictly speaking, I'm well in the clear.' 'A...

Camille stood looking across a very overgrown classroom. 'Now I'm thinking that telling the caretaker not to bother too much until we got back was a bit of an administrative error!' she declared. 'I'm sure we can help to get things sorted out,' suggested Captain Bill. 'CYRIL!' called Bertha. 'Already onto it!' munched Cyril.'Has anyone got any salt?' But they didn't. 'Still it's clearly a lovely school,' suggested Norma. 'I like to think so,' mooed Camille,'and unless little Jean Claude has suddenly grown a lot, I think I can safely say that 'e 'as found ma desk!' And indeed he had. 'Right,' continued Camille,'all we need to do now is locate the books and pencils and ma register and everything will be, 'ow you say, all ship shape.' 'Burp!' burped Cyril. 'Hmm,' said Norma,'I fear we might have just lost the register!' 'Burp!' burped Cyril for...

'OK!' said Camille,'so like this certificate is to say, thank you, for rescuing us and the other is so our island is now officially twinned with your island.' 'Twinned?' asked Captain Bill. 'It means we both get to put up a sign which nobody reads and you get 10% off in a couple of gift shops,' confirmed Camille. 'Wonderful!' said Captain Bill. 'Also Monsieur Mayor wishes me to say 'ow pleased 'e is to meet you all but don't go expecting any slap up banquet because frankly the money for that sort of thing flew south a long time ago.' 'Not a problem,' reassured Captain Bill. 'Speak for yourself!' called out Cyril. And with that Monsieur Mayor kissed everyone on both cheeks and wandered off towards the town. 'I must say,' said Norma,'that was a wonderful welcome.' 'Well to be honest,' replied Camille,'we don't get that many visitors. Also I told 'im that Captain Bill was...

'Ah!' said Camille,''ome at last!' 'Yes,' replied Captain Bill, 'well anyone can make a simple error.' 'Well honestly!' continued Camille, 'like 'ow can you get lost that close to shore?' 'Actually a lot of islands are on wheels these days,' explained Captain Bill, 'and in a strong wind...' 'But we were like only 5 minutes away and it took us 4 hours!' 'Aggressive waves?' suggested Captain Bill. 'Hmm,' replied Camille,'anyway I suppose we made it eventually.' 'I imagine you'll want to be contacting the parents of all your little students?' said Norma. Camille stopped and looked at Norma. 'Are you kidding? That sort of trouble I can well do without! I was thinking maybe I'll just carry on and 'ope they just don't notice that we're 3 months late getting back...it's worked in the past! But anyway, before anything else, I 'ave an important civi...

'Right, well thanks for...whatever?' said Queen Phoebe. 'Sorry we can't stop but his Regalness simply must be getting along!' And Queen Phoebe gave an order for several of her servants to wave goodbye for her. 'Why do I have the feeling we've outstayed our welcome?' said Captain Bill. 'I'm sure she means well,' said Norma,'it can't be very easy being a royal personage.' But at that moment Bertha asked if everyone could move up a bit. So everyone moved up a bit and Norman lowered away another little student. 'I'm afraid the Mootilus wasn't really built to hold this many,' explained Captain Bill. 'Still it won't be for long,' added Norma. And Norman lowered away yet another little student. 'I must say it's very lucky that Monsieur Norman is 'ere to 'elp,' said Camille. 'Although there is...' began Norman. '...more to an elephant...' continued Horace. '...than just...

'And that bit there, that is where we used to 'ave picnics,' said Camille and she indicated a small cliff above a beach. 'Used to?' asked Captain Bill. 'We 'ad to stop after Jean Claude fell off it,' replied Camille. 'Luckily the tide was in. I gave 'im an A* for 'is 'omework and we said no more about it.' 'It looks lovely!' said Norma. 'It is,' replied Camille,'and it 'as like the prettiest little 'arbour that you ever could 'ope for.' 'It's a pity we can't go into it,' said Bertha. 'Has the strike been going on for long?' asked Norma. 'I don't really know,' replied Camille,'I've only been living 'ere for 3 years.' 'Still we can row ashore,' suggested Bertha. 'I'll think we'll 'ave to!' mooed Camille. And for a while everyone just stood and watched as they sailed towards the island. Slowly they began to make out th...

'And there's bits of trifle all over his little kingshipfulnesses 3rd best guest bed!' continued Queen Phoebe. 'Well, I just don't know what to say,' replied Norma, 'I'm sure Cyril will be mortified when I tell him. Only usually he licks the bowl clean. He won't be at all happy about wasting any.' 'That's hardly the point!' pointed out Queen Phoebe. 'No,' conceded Norma. 'And Marie Clare is still stuck down one of the cannons and the contents of the dressing up room seems to have been scattered all over the ship and one of his regalnesses sculptures has had bits knocked off of it and...and...and you've only been here a week!' 'Indeed,' said Norma,'.......sorry!' 'Well it just isn't good enough!' continued Queen Phoebe. 'It's this sort of thing what makes the gossip pages and before you know it any sort of reputation one 'ad is completely up the chute!' And with ...